Vulnerable Who Wants To Be That?

1 Peter 2:4-5 this week and it seems like the clever distraction I need;  "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ". 

I have woke up to Aretha Franklin's "Rock Steady" each day this week in my head. The song is a personal fav and my jam this spring. It reminds me that even when I feel like I am unsteady and the world is coming in to smother me it won't happen. It allows me to feel life, dance around my art studio or kitchen, and lets me trust I can "rock steady" on the rock that is Christ Jesus. 

This spring I have began to write my testimony that I will share. I've been asking God to guide my words and give me the excerpts of my life that need to be shared. The word that I got was "scars". Visible scars like the one on my chin or my left arm. Then there invisible scars that only your heart and soul know. Those invisible ones ae what I am struggling to write about. 

The girl that loves words and is a nerd is at a loss for words, friends. I've told myself to just shut up about it all for so long that to bring it out into the light feels scary. I brings back old words like ; unworthy, sinner, slut, and murderer. The same words that I have worked 28 years to replace with worthy, forgiven, jewel, and beloved. Old words are like old scars hard to replace when you write let alone when you speak. 

This afternoon I had an email from the lawyer settling my mom's estate. It is almost done and there are some last minute details they need to talk to me about. The email excited me because I have been praying that the estate would get done this month. I have been praying that it would be done so I can afford to pay for my son's college class this summer. Done so I could afford the scans and appointments to specialists for my own health needs. Done so that I would have a beautiful blessing from my mom. The mom that God gave me. The mom with dementia that loved me enough to bless me. 

I'm pondering this afternoon the scar that is left from my mom. The scar of being without contact with her for almost 15 years. The scar that the words spoken by a woman with dementia 15 years ago were the truth. Most days I could navigate this one but for the past two months I have been writing about invisible scars and didn't even consider this one. 

I have to take heart and take a big breath that I am not the only one. I am not the only one that has put those invisible scars in a box and left them there. I started to proofread this and went to take out the part about my mom thinking it really isn't part of it...but friends it is. She is the reason that I'm alive. The reason that I know Jesus. The pain from 15 years without a mom because dementia took her is a lot. I don't know how to explain those emotions or that scar right now. 

I have been reflecting on 1 Peter 2:4-5 this week and it seems like the clever distraction I need;  "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ". 

It reminds me I am the new words; chosen, beloved, jewel, worthy. Read that scripture friends you are chosen and precious. You may have been at one point rejected by someone but never by our Heavenly Daddy. He created you and calls you chosen and precious. Our Heavenly Daddy is there when we are vulnerable. That feels remarkable. 

Five years ago when I I started the five year plan I knew that I was supposed to write and speak about my invisible scars with transparency. Year one, two, three, and four passed by and I said thanks but no thanks. Year five is here and to be complete and free I have to be not transparent as I once thought but vulnerable. 

If you would have asked me 5 years ago to be vulnerable I would have looked you in the eye and given you a small glimpse. Not enough of a glimpse to be vulnerable. This year I am having to trust our Heavenly Daddy with everything. It is total surrender, freefall, and taking a deep breath. It is doing a hard thing. My mom's death was a hard thing. Settling her estate is a hard thing. Writing about my past for two months has been a heartbreaking thing. 

If you are in a similar place or maybe you are telling God not this year I get it. Maybe you have lived a life of half truths in order to cover those scars. I understand because I have to. If transparency makes you want to throw up in your mouth you are not alone.  I believe that our Heavenly Daddy is calling me into the light. I believe is calling you into the light too. Come a little further in the life giving water of Jesus. Connect closer and see you are chosen and precious. 

May You Walk In Mercy & Peace & Rock Steady; Sherry

UPDATES; 

*I am heading to South Dakota at the end of this month. I feel God telling me to fund raise for the trip. In South Dakota I will be masking up and working with Native American kids out at Boys & Girls Club in Marty doing art. I will be meeting with friends and bearing God's light. I will be speaking and being vulnerable for the first time in 28 years...no half truths just vulnerability. After praying I hear from God all that is necessary is me. If you would like to help me financially with my mission trip please send me a message for my address, Venmo, or Paypal info. 

*We will find out the results from Emily's MRI next week. The other tests will take a bit longer but by May we will know those results too. Today she is 148 days seizure free...thank you Heavenly Daddy for the  miracle that is Emily & the one you gave her. 

*My son, Dale, is having a hard semester because of his class load. If you would pray mercy and grace over him that would be swell. He will be traveling for his major this summer in an apprenticeship geology camp. I would appreciate prayers over our ability to pay for the program, his safety, and that it would be a once in a lifetime experience. 

*Emily, my husband, and I have all been vaccinated. I am thinking of re-opening my art studio for classes or private appointments to use my studio & materials. It has been a year and three and half months since my studio was open to kids or adults. If you would pray on that I would appreciate it. If you would like to send you kiddo to art camp or classes please let me know. If you are an adult and would like to come to Genesis art class where we mix faith and creativity please let me know. 

 

The Butcher

2 Peter 3:9 "The Lord isn't slow to do what he promised, as some people think. Rather, he is patient for your sake. He doesn't want to destroy anyone but wants all people to have an opportunity to turn to him and change the way they think and act". 

I was born a hope-r. What's that? It means that I see the silver lining in tough situations. I give the benefit of the doubt to the end. I see the world with rose colored glasses. I remember as a kid my mom saying to me to "take off the rose colored glasses and get real"...I had no idea what she meant because I didn't wear glasses. 

This week has been tough for me physically. I was losing my battle with a Crohns flare up from last week and then the first migraine hit. The migraine hit so hard in fact that I wanted nothing more than to wrap the covers around me and cry in my bed all day. The migraines have been relentless. I think that they are gone and by the afternoon they are back. I actually had a great day Saturday and then by 11:00 pm the migraine was back in full force. 

Last night was too much. Too much pain physically. By 3:30 in the morning I was in tears and begging God to help me. I felt a wave of warmth overcome me. I felt like our Heavenly Daddy was saying "hey, kid, what's wrong, tell me so I can fix it". It made me stop crying to surrender my pain and tell Daddy that I need the pain to stop so I could sleep. Within minutes I was sound asleep and woke up 4 hours later without a migraine and the swelling in my body was manageable. 

I asked our Heavenly Daddy for a word. Just give me a word, Daddy. It is what I have done since I was a kid and it always soothes my spirit. The word I got was "butcher" and I broke into tears, got dressed, and decided I was going to run away from home. Have you been there, friends, when the pain you feel physically or soulfully is so much it makes you want to run away? 

My grace is that my husband backed my red VW bug out of the garage for me to take. I took my Bible, my journal, and my sketchbook and stopped for a tea. I drove down the familiar highway out of my small town and asked again for a word. "Butcher" came again and tears flowed. I noticed my hawk in the sky. I decided to follow my hawk. My hawk led me to a park about 30 minutes from home. 

I felt strangely at peace as I watched the water flow from the dam. I remembered how my friend in South Dakota told me that flowing water is a symbol to release yourself and situations to God. I sat there and surrendered my burdens. I asked for a word. "Butcher, baker, candlestick maker". 

Ok, friends, it was that simple nursery rhyme about the three men a tub. Butcher wasn't meant as a personal dig at me. Here is what Butcher means; there are tough things that each of us have been through. It could be mean words or actions. It could be a current situation or one from childhood. It could be something that we have done or something that was done to us. When we hold onto those things we become the "butcher" because we choose how the world defines us. 

We are the "butcher" when we choose to believe we are less than a beloved child of God. We are the "butcher" when we choose to solve all our problems by ourselves. I am a "butcher" when I forget to let God in on all the details; from the small to the big. I was reminded today sitting in my car that I am not alone anymore. That I have accepted Christ and I can never ever be alone again because it doesn't work that way.  I am the daughter of the King of Kings. I am beloved, worthy, smart, capable, and make impeccable decisions with my Heavenly Daddy. 

I began to once again recognize the truth of who I am. I get the choice to say that was my past, it happened, and I am still here. I made it through. You get that opportunity too, friends, you are not your circumstance. You are strong, capable, and a beloved miracle of the King of Kings. You have purpose and promise from our Heavenly Daddy. 

Here is my story from this past week; I am physically not a 16 year old and have some medical problems that make me move slow. I am going to trust the migraines will cease and that the scans I have later this week will show I am as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside. I bought a new car last month and now it has a sound that is coming from it occasionally. The hubs checked it out this morning and believes there is a cover to something that is flapping. That does not make my decision to buy my car dumb or wasteful. It means I am listening to God and asking for his blessing with the car before I bought it and now.  I am surrendering the flap problem to God and asking for his protection over Emily and I because we have to use the new car tomorrow to go to MU and trust his goodness for my life and Emily's life. I trust God will keep us safe in the "silver fox" and that we will make it home safely so I can take it to my mechanic. I trust that when I share my testimony later this month that it will be a blessing to another. I trust that I am qualified to speak because God designed me to speak this year and be open and transparent. I am aligned with my Heavenly Daddy and I am not alone and never will be again to make decisions, when I am hurt, or when its the very best day ever. He shares it all with me and there is no other way. 

Friends, I have no idea what your story is from last week, last year, or now. I do know that I want to speak in life into you. I don't want you to be a "butcher" I want for you to be free. I will be praying that this encourages you. I would love for you to share this with others. If you would like me to pray over you and your situation please message me. It is my honor and privilege.  

Walk in Mercy and Peace; 

Sherry

Waves

I am suffering from a migraine and I am having a hard time breathing as I begin to type. I feel like I can't rest until I put words on paper...or in blog. I hear the word waves. Could it be the waves of pain, nausea, or just lack of air flow? Or could waves be something larger like an ocean wave? 

In reality I feel a rocking motion with the migraine and waves of nausea. But I think our Heavenly Daddy is after something bigger and broader. It is about my circumstances feeling crippled mentally and physically in this moment. It is about not losing hope or wonder in whom God created me to be and whom my Heavenly Daddy is. 

It is in faith and confidence that I can rock and roll through this day and the ones to come. It is in faith and confidence the little girl who didn't like her face wet has become a woman who roars to the waters and waves bring it on because I am the beloved daughter of the king. 

I am no longer that little girl that is scared of the water and petrified that I will drown. I am strong, capable and when I can not roar with God's intensity and light He roars over me. I know that today and am hopeful that you know it too in your day, your circumstances, and when you are in the waves. 

May we choose to be in the waves with our creator, the maker of life, and the ultimate artist who has designed you and me to be there with him. Maybe the waves gently brush our ankles and we feel the warmth of the water. Maybe the waves are crashing into us and we feel like we are about to loose our footing. 

That is when I stand to remind you that in Psalm 40 our Heavenly Daddy picked us up, out of the muck and stood our feet on a rock. He didn't just leave us there on the rock in wonder. He went a step further and made our footsteps firm. Firm in the beautiful creation that is you and that is me. Firm that we will not topple in the waves but we are there to play, rejoice, and breathe the sweet destiny of us as God's beloved children.

Ok, my migraine feels like it is letting up which makes me want a cup a tea and to go to my art studio. Like the mouse from the children's book if you give this girl a word, Heavenly Daddy, she will serve you, write, and go create but she will want a cup of tea. 

May you walk in MERCY & PEACE; 

Sherry 

Lioness Among Tigers

Yes, this is the fifth blog in the series! Why is that so exciting? Well, I have done things creatively since I was a kid is 5's; 6 is too many and 4 too few but 5 is just right. As a grownup I learned that 5 is the symbol for God's grace. I like to think that God's grace has been flowing through me since I was a kid and now that I turned 51 it is getting a chance to flourish. 

When I write blogs I do them in a "series" and this is the last of the series of the Lioness Among Tigers. I've been exploring my journey as Emily's mom over the past 7 years as my daughter has struggled with uncontrolled violent seizures. The onset of the seizures came when she was 19 and in college. There has been no reason for them to have began they just did. Last year Emily had to brain surgeries; one to place a grid directly on her brain. The second took off the grid and took part of her brain. 

I wanted to document her journey. After praying about it I felt like Emily is the one that will do that. What God needed is me to come out from the darkness into the light as a mom. That perhaps I would strengthen other mamas and papas through my words. That being said let's get started. 

During my journey with cancer I felt like our Heavenly Daddy declared this over me "You are mine. Now listen to what they tell you to do and rest. You have no idea how I can use you now that you know you are mine". It felt good to have a Daddy again in all honesty. My earthly dad had passed away in my 20's and so knowing God called me his was welcoming. 

Within two weeks of that declaration I felt like I was breaking apart; physically, mentally, and my soul was becoming lost in radiation and chemo. It was then that I remembered this pondering "we don't retreat we roar" that I had years earlier. I was broken to say the least and went to pray over why when I felt so broke I kept hearing "we don't retreat we roar".  In my crazy chemo mind I saw the MGM lion from the movies who always roars. It hit me that when we are lost and broken it really irks our Heavenly Daddy and he like the MGM lion roars over us to break the darkness and bring us into the light. 

I actually have cried over the past 7 years over my daughter and screamed at God to "ROAR" over her and heal her. I have prayed over Emily with every seizure; Bring her into a dreamlike state with you Daddy that she feels no pain and gift her beauty. The seizures are so violent and grotesque that all I can do is pray beauty over her. Each seizure is over an hour. 5 to 10 minutes in I find myself screaming "ROAR" in my head and spirit over her because there is nothing we can do but I know the one that can, God. 

Emily and I were driving to Columbia to go to MU to meet her neurosurgeon last fall. She had her earbuds in. I was praying over Emily as I drove. As we got near Columbia I felt a change in the car. It was the temperature and there wasn't anything wrong with the car. It was a change in the atmosphere. I glanced over at Emily and saw her with her earbuds and in a blink of an eye saw the face of a lion. I looked back at the road shaking my head. 

I hadn't slept well the night before and thought I might be delusional and laughed. I looked back at Emily and what I saw freaked me out; the body was Emily's but in place of her head was a beautiful lion with long eyelashes and a delighted smile. Again, I looked back at the road and took a deep breath. I actually said "you are not losing it because God's got you and he has Emily too". I looked back at Emily and this time the lion smiled and winked and there was my beautiful Emily's face. 

It struck me that it wasn't random and it was divinely our Heavenly Daddy gifting me reassurance that he was with her. That Daddy was roaring over Emily and protecting her brain. When we went as a family to MU for Emily's first brain surgery I felt the lion was there when she went back and we sat in the waiting room. 

The lion was there in the waiting room as security came and told my husband and son that they had to leave. The lion was there when the security guard began yelling at me and telling me. The lion was there when all I could do was sob as security took my husband and son out of the waiting room and kicked them out of the hospital. The lion was there when security came back and told me I needed to stop crying and making a scene or I would have to leave. And, the lion was there when security asked me if they could help me. I told them I needed kleenex and they told me I would have to get them myself. 

The lion was roaring at the first surgery. About 30 minutes after the incident a nurse came out calling for Emily's mom. She asked if I would like to go back and be with Emily; absolutely I did. As we walked back she told me that because of Covid they didn't let anyone back but there was an emergency that came in and the team was needed there. She assured me that Emily would have surgery that day but it would be later than we thought. I spent almost two extra hours with Emily before the team began coming through to get her ready. I overheard the front desk clerk that had called security call me an "uppity bitch" and brag about how she got my husband and son kicked out. She told the nurses and techs that I was carrying on so much and crying that she had me kicked out too. 

As much as I wanted to confront her I knew that the "lion" was there and had roared so that I could be with Emily and that neither of us would be alone. I praised God that I was with Emily and not in the waiting room and hugged my daughter. I was there when the team made it back and began the pre-op procedures. I was there to hug my daughter and walk by her cart as they wheeled her back to the operating room. A nurse helped me find my way back to the waiting room. The only seat left was near the front desk clerk that had been bragging about our family and who called me "an uppity bitch". Instead of confronting her or leaving I sat down and looked at her. I began to pray over her because I didn't know what her circumstances were; who she was or what was going on in her life. I felt a wave of compassion over her which was from the "lion" that the waiting room was possibly the only place where she felt in control. I prayed over her for the next couple of hours that she would feel God's mercy and peace. That she would walk in God's mercy and peace as she worked and when she went home. I prayed that her broken spirit on that day would be mended. 

While I prayed over this woman my husband made calls to the hospital. He had arranged for me to go talk with someone. She told me that our family was not authorized to be at the hospital and they made an exception for me. That I was the only one that could be there and that my husband and son would not be allowed back. I shared with her that we got permission from the neuro team. I found out that you also had to have permission from the patient expertise office. I told her that I was taking some new chemo meds that were hard on me. I asked if it would be possible for my husband to go to the waiting room and stay so that I could go back and rest. She told me no that there were no exceptions. I took a deep breath and began to cry silently. She told me that the patient expertise office had reviewed Emily's file and that her surgery was elective. I shared with her that Emily suffers from uncontrolled violent seizures that last over an hour several times a month for the past 7 years. I told her that this surgery was to save Emily's life. She told me again that the team had reviewed Emily's file and considered it elective surgery. Then she told me to wait there and she would be right back. 

I prayed over her that she would walk in mercy and peace. I saw it for what it was. She was young and probably just out of college. The "team" had sent a kid in to do their dirty work. I prayed for her and asked the "lion" to roar. She came back and it was agreed my husband could sit in the waiting room. She told me once Emily was out of surgery it would have to be me there to see her and if it were my husband there then he would be the only one allowed in the hospital to see Emily. My husband came in and we agreed to the hospital's terms. The lion roared so that I could go rest. 

I woke up and it was dark out. I tried calling my husband thinking something had went wrong. I went and threw up and then laid back down. My son came in my room and woke me up saying "Dad is freaking out. Talk to him". Emily was out of surgery. The neuro team came to talk to my husband and took him to see Emily. He had walked up to the neuro ICU with Emily. They told him that would be back once they got her in her room and to wait in their waiting room. That is when it hit him that I should have been the one that was there. We both were freaking out. We prayed together that I could talk my way in or that he could simply just leave and I go in. I called my a couple of friends and begged them to pray and left for the hospital. 

I got to the hospital and called my husband. He came out and I went in. He sat and prayed for mercy. I went in and asked for mercy. I told the night clerk that the day had been a mess and I was sorry for any confusion. I told her that my daughter had brain surgery and was in the neuro ICU. She asked my name and said I heard what happened. She called the neuro ICU and they told her to tell me come see my daughter. I began to cry tears of release as I walked to the elevator. The "lion" had made a way. 

When I got to Emily's room I was met with her nurse at the door. She told me that the team had heard what had happened. She told me she knew my husband had been there and asked where he was. I told her I was so sorry thinking security was going to be called again. That is when she looked at me and took me to go see Emily. The room was filled with techs and neuro ICU team and precious Emily. I talked with her and went to hug her but couldn't because of all the wires. I kissed her cheek and it hurt her. I stepped back and told her that I was here and that she was a miracle. Emily reached out to hold my hand. Her nurse came over and asked me again "where is her dad?". I told her I was sorry about earlier today and she stopped me. She told me the team had heard what had happened. She told me that they couldn't do anything about that but they could do something now. She told me since my husband had been there the team wondered where he was and would he like to come see his daughter. I told her he was in the parking garage and we didn't want to cause anymore problems. She shared that we were not the problem. That the team would make an exception to the rules for tonight so he could see his daughter too. I called him and he refused to come in because he didn't want to jeopardize my ability to be Emily's one visitor. Finally, the nurse got on the phone and told him to get out of the car and come see his daughter which he did. The "lion" once again roared and made a way. 

The next day I went to visit Emily and felt like she was surrounded by beautiful light. It wasn't the sunshine or the lights in her room because her curtains were closed and lights off because her head hurt. It was a celestial light from Heaven I believe because I have never seen such vibrancy of colors. I prayed with Emily before I left and told her she was a miracle. I looked back at her before I closed the door and saw her body laying in the bed but in place of her head there was the lion's head. The same lion from the car ride with the beautiful long lashes surrounding my daughter in brilliant light. I praised God in the doorway for his mercy over me and over Emily. I looked back again and the lion was now wrapped around Emily in her bed. It gave me an overwhelming peace that the lion would be there to guard her and roar over her. 

The second day as I came in Emily's room I saw the lion still curled up with her as she slept. Watching over her and who was coming and going from her room. I sat in silence praying over her as she slept. Holding her hand while she was awake and speaking life into her and myself. When I looked back the lion was gone. When I went to leave I told Emily she was a miracle. I told her that I had seen this beautiful lion curled up with her when I came in. I told her the lion had the most gorgeous eyelashes. And, I shared that there was a beautiful light shimmering and shining all around her. I prayed for Jesus to be there to hold her hand and that the lion would stand watch over her before I left.  

Each day that I was able to visit Emily in her room I felt the lion was there by her side. When the hospital closed because of Covid I had to learn to trust that the lion was with her curled up and winking in delight over the miracle known as Emily. I learned to trust in those days far greater than I have. I began to walk in mercy and peace like it wasn't just an after thought but that it was the only way to walk. 

Friends, I do not tell you to walk in mercy and peace when all is falling apart to be saying something. I am telling you to walk in mercy and peace because it is the only way to navigate life without bitterness, pain, and hurt. I had the joy of getting to know the patient expertise gal and praying with her. I got to bump into the security guard that had been so cruel while he was haggling an older woman in a wheelchair. I began praying mercy and peace over the situation as I walked closer. I sat in a chair near them hoping to ask him if I could pray for him. Instead he saw me and yelled at me. He told me that he remembered me and that I needed to leave or he would escort me out. I looked at him and told him I would walk in mercy and peace to my car. He responded in words I won't write. The beauty was that I meant I would walk in mercy and peace and did. 

The first morning after Emily's surgery my son and husband left and went home. I was there at my home away from home alone. It hit me that I wasn't because the lion roars over me. I began to praise God for the day before and how so many of the hurts became miracles in themselves. As I praised God I had a pondering strike my heart. Do lions and tigers get along? That was a Google search. I found out that in the wild they do not get along. That they would fight one another to the death in the wild. I found out though that lions and tigers do get along in zoos if their habitats are near one another. I even found an article about lion and tiger cubs that were raised together in a zoo and still get along as adults in the same habitat. 

Here's the thing that God was after with do lions and tigers get along; Emily had surgery at the University of Missouri or MU. Mu's mascot is a tiger. I know God is the lion and because we are his kids and that makes us lions too. Emily and I were lioness' among tigers. Remember the part where lions and tigers get along at zoos not all the time but if the conditions are right they do. MU is sometimes referred to as Mizzou or the zoo. The day that Emily had surgery we just had not found the right tigers at the zoo to interact with. Once Emily was in the neuro ICU we found our tigers. They were the ones that took care of Emily, helped her navigate for 2 months, and had both the expertise and wisdom to navigate her case and help her. The lion, our Heavenly Daddy, had opened a zoo of sorts where his lions could roam with tigers together united in mercy and peace. 

 Mercy and peace is powerful. Mercy allows God to happen rather than our words and actions during confrontations. Peace lets that mercy flow like nobody's business....that would be in a way that the world does not comprehend. It is as wild as seeing a lion with beautiful long eyelashes wink at you. It is as warm as light from heavenly realms. I hope you experience both. 

Walk in Mercy and Peace - Sherry

Updates; 

*We head back to MU on March 26th for a 3 day EEG. The tech team made an exception to their rules and are hooking Emily up on a Friday and allowing her to go home with all the wires and pack aka fancy purse. It was vital that she have the EEG to verify that she is not having seizures occur in other parts of her brain. We would appreciate prayers for safe travels, for the wires to stay on because we are going to go home rather than stay, and for safe travels on Monday when we go back to have the wires taken off. 

*My son, Dale, has his 21st birthday this Sunday. He got sick a couple of weeks ago and is still working on getting his labs and coursework caught up. I would love for you to pray over him as he tries to complete assignments so that he can come home for Easter rather than stay in Maryville to finish his work.  And, if you know Dale, shoot him a Happy Birthday text...let me know if you need his number. 

Inexplicit

Psalm 40; 1-3 : I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He pulled me out the horrible pit, out of the mud and clay. He set my feet on a rock and made my steps secure. He placed a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see this praise to our God. Many will see this and worship. They will trust the Lord". 

Inexplicit; inherent in nature of something but not directly expressed ; an inexplicit response is the SAFEST

Inexplicit is how I felt as my daughter had uncontrolled violent seizures for the past 7 years. Inexplicit is what kept me going as we ventured to MU for Emily's brain surgeries. The inexplicitly that everything is good and will be well that comes from the Holy Spirit as you seek to anchor yourself as the tide is rising and the waves are crashing in at all sides. 

That is my artsy side explaining what happened to me as a mom as my daughter battled for her life the past 7 years. The reality is that I could have easily lost faith and complained daily. The beauty is that I took each day as a gift to be Emily's mom. 

A gift from our Heavenly Daddy that I was blessed with Emily. I took it in stride until we talked about brain surgery. As I realized that brain surgery was the only hope for Emily to have some sort of normalcy. Then knowing it was brain surgery that would save her life. Brain surgery not just once but twice. Having to rely not on being a mom but being a daughter of the King of Kings. 

A week after Emily's first surgery the hospital closed for all visitors. I wrote about it in the previous blog. The fourth blog is what happened after; 

The night after I was excluded from the hospital I went back to my home away from home and took a hot shower and cried. I prayed and asked God how could he do this to me? I begged for clarity. I begged for him to have mercy on Emily in the hospital. I told him Emily was his miracle. In tears I begged for him to give her a miracle. 

I continued praying into night.  I told him I was a miracle too and began to believe it.  I thanked him for the gift of my daughter.  I praised Him for being at MU. I thanked him for keeping her safe from Covid because there were no more visitors on her floor. I praised him for keeping me safe from Covid because I was no longer able to go to the hospital. I praised him because I had promise and perspective . I praised Him for the promise Emily holds as his daughter.  I praised him with worship music and sang not because I wanted to but because I had to. That night friends rallied with me in prayer via the internet. It made me realize that neither Emily or I were alone.  We were together with others believing our Heavenly Daddy is a miracle worker. 

The next morning I felt like our Heavenly Daddy told me to go for a walk. I got on my sweats, cute sneakers, and pulled my hair back. As I walked he reminded me that he told me that I would have to "run". He reminded me that I said yes to running with the provision of cute sneakers. He reminded me that running wasn't merely the act of running but it was going to difficult places and spaces that he would send me. He reminded me that through him I am never excluded but included.

 I walked each square of the very long driveway of the Mennonite Guest House declaring mercy and peace would not only live but thrive in this space and within me. I prayed a royal order of protection over my home away from home, the beautiful couple acting as caretakers and all who would enter. It was during my third lap that I felt a spark. A spark that said go write Emily a note and drop it off for her. I love to write I can do that! 

As I drove to the hospital I began talking to God and the tears rolled. I told him that I didn't know what to do. Everything was taken from me and I didn't know how to survive the latest blow of not being with Emily. I surrendered anything that I know to do and asked Daddy what should I do? 

In the silence of the drive I began to hear my friend singing "Waymaker". It wasn't on the radio or my phone. It was in my head. I remember thinking what is this all about Daddy? I can't go to South Dakota, where my friend lives, I need to be here in Columbia. I pulled over and listened closer. The lyrics :" waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God that is who you are" kept repeating. It was literally like listening to a broken record. I sensed what God was after. He simply wanted me to praise him, to have faith, and see promise. 

It began simply with those lyrics in a very small voice that was almost bitter for being excluded. My voice got a little louder and I wiped my tears. I got back on the road and by the time I turned the corner for the hospital my voice was bigger and bolder and the bitterness had left. As I parked in the parking garage I came to the lyric "even when I don't see you your working " and I felt His presence and knew he was with Emily too.   

I dropped off the care package I felt like God wanted me to do laps. Ok, but I am only walking on my level of the parking garage was my response. I walked the level and another and another. I prayed for mercy, peace, and grace to prevail. I did a couple of laps before it felt right to get back in my car. 

The following few days I did the same thing; wake up, walk, pray, drive to the hospital singing by myself Waymaker, drop off a note for Emily at the front desk, then walk the level of the parking garage and pray, and sit in my car all alone and pray. 

A week had passed. I was woke up wide awake at 3am and felt our Heavenly Daddy telling me to pray. I went to the windows where the world was still dark except for the stars. I looked out the window and prayed.  I sat in the recliner in my room and began praying over Emily and the neuro ICU team and hospital smothering and covering into God's capable hands. 

At 5 am I felt our Heavenly Daddy tell me to get on my knees. I remember telling him I don't think I can get back up. I am too chubby. I am too old for that. That's when our Heavenly Daddy reminded me that earlier in the year I had my knee replaced. I looked around and saw that if I moved the recliner I could slide onto the floor and then get back up using the sturdy footboard of my bed. With a deep breath I slide onto the floor. The memory of how I loved playground slides as a kid hit me and I was thankful to God for it. 

 I got on my chubby girl hands and knees and prayed, listened, and prayed some more. When I was done it was 8 in the morning and the sun was out.  I took a deep breath and got dressed for my walk. I walked and prayed for mercy and grace and that no disease or virus affect or pernitrate my home away from home nor the caretakers. After my walk I wrote a note for Emily and drove singing "Waymaker" to the hospital. 

I dropped the note off at the front desk and left like I had for the past week. I heard "climb". My response was ; "Are you kidding me, God? You woke me up, you made me get on my hands and knees, go for a walk, and now you want me to climb? I don't even have cute sneakers on! ". I went to walk the level like I had been each day but kept hearing climb. Exasperated, I went to go sit in my car to rest and pout. 

Sitting in my car looking at my leopard lounger shoes I took a deep breath and then another. I don't even have on shoes to climb I whined. I will not climb in my leopard loungers, Daddy, don't even try to make me. As I whined I could feel that our Daddy wasn't asking me to physically climb. He would accept me driving my car and climbing the parking garage. I laughed that I had been whiny and started my car to "climb"  to the top of the parking garage. I got out of my car I felt encouraged. 

I could see the vastness of the blue sky ; is that what you wanted God to remind me how big you are? Then I saw several hawks flying from a distance. Is that why I am here God to see the hawks and know I am protected and so is Emily. Then I saw the sunlight reflected off the glass of the 7th floor of the hospital and tears rolled. 

The 7th floor that I walked days before praying mercy and grace. The 7th floor where Emily's room was. I praised God for knowing the wonders of my heart ; a big blue sky, hawks, and the 7th floor of MU where my daughter laid in a hospital bed. I grabbed my Bible and began to read Psalm 40 and then listen to 40 by U2 and let my emotions flow. I praised him for his goodness and graciousness in my life and asked Him for a miracle for Emily and left. 

I went back and "climbed" again that afternoon. I began to pray outside on top of the roof of the parking garage. The team at MU wanted one more seizure to verify that they had the correct areas of Emily's brain. We had been waiting on the seizure for what felt like forever and praying for it to come. The team had left the grid on Emily's brain an extra week. We were ending that second week and they had talked with Emily that if they didn't have a seizure this week that they would take off the grid and send her home. 

Heavenly Daddy please allow Emily to have another seizure you are the waymaker began my prayers that afternoon. I prayed I submitted Emily back to the hands that made her. I gave my daughter back to the hands that could heal her the miracle worker that is our God.  I asked that God would heal her here or in heavenly realms. I accepted that heavenly realms was a possibility and told God I accepted it. I told him either was acceptable because he is the light in the darkness.  I prayed Psalm 40. I watched the hawks fly over and sun gleaning on the 7th floor of MU where Emily was. I heard "it is done". 

What is done, Daddy? What? I instantly thought it was my car. My car that had a lot of miles and wear and tear. I got it in and it started. Still thinking it was my car I drove it to the smoothie place. As I paid for my smoothie I felt guilty for leaving the top of the parking garage. I drove back and before I could get to the top of the garage my phone was ringing. I kept going but then it rang again and I saw it was Emily. I pulled over. She told me that she was going to have surgery tomorrow. I asked if she  had a seizure. She told me no. She told me Dr. Bandy and his team had looked through her previous brain mappings. They felt confidant that the seizures were coming from the same section of her brain. Confidant enough that they were going to head to surgery with her. I asked her to take out the device for the brain mapping or part of her brain. She didn't know. I told her I would call the nurses station for details once I got to the top of the parking garage but I was praising God. 

I hung up and began to climb the parking garage for the top and I got another call from Emily. I had to pull over again. The neurosurgeons had been in. They confirmed surgery was happening tomorrow and that they would be taking off the grid and taking part of her brain. I told her I was delighted and would call her as soon as I got to the top of the parking garage. I got to the top of the parking garage and got out. I could see the blue sky at dusk, the hawks flying in the distance, and the sun fading in the glass windows of the 7th floor where Emily was. I heard again "it is done". I began to sing quietly Waymaker with tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I praised our Heavenly Daddy from the top of the parking garage that he was a waymaker, miracle worker, and indeed the light in our darkness. I praised him as I read Psalm 40 fully awake to what the scripture meant in my life and the life of my daughter. I played U2's 40 a couple of times and then took a deep breath. I went to call the nurses station to confirm. I found there was a message from Dr. Bandy who was confirming they were going to do surgery on Emily within 24-48 hours depending on when the team could book an operating room. I praise danced at the top of the hospital parking garage and didn't even care who saw it. I was excited that Daddy had said "it is done" and he means it! 

It took 48 hours for the operating room to become available. The day before surgery I called the nurses station and thanked them for being my hands and feet. I explained to them that every time Emily has a seizure we have a celebration of life party that she is still alive and we have her. I told them I wanted to give Emily a celebration of life party but I couldn't be there and asked if they would celebrate with her that she was going to have surgery.  They were delighted to help me. 

I went to Wendys for Emily;s favorite chicken nuggets and bought 5 family packs. I waited patiently for them to be made praising Daddy that "it is done". The manager brought them to my car and apologized for the delay and looked at me. He asked if I was ok. I told him about Emily. He asked if he could pray and did over Emily. Then he looked at me again and began to pray over me. When he was done he told me to call him to let him know how surgery went. 

I delivered the nuggets, pop, and cookies to the hospital for Emily's celebration of life party. I went to the parking garage and "climbed" to the top of the parking garage. I listened to U2's 40, then Waymaker, and then got out of my car to praise our Heavenly Daddy that my daughter not only lives but she was going to live to praise him. I prayed for a while and then went back to my car. I sat breathing it all in. A friend called to check in on me. I told her about the parking garage and "it is done" and told her I believe Emily's surgery would be a miracle. She said " Sherry I love you. I love that you get the little things in life that God gifts. I have to tell you I think you are forgetting something". Geez, what could that be? My friend asked me this;

*How many years has Emily had seizures? ; almost 7 years 

*What floor is Emily on in the hospital? 7th floor

*The number 7 is a symbol for what? I don't know... hold on I do but I can't think of it. Her reply was priceless ; "Sherry, 7 is a symbol of completion, when God says it is done he means it. I think it is not coincidence that it has been 7 hard years and Emily lays in a bed at MU on the 7th floor that is all God's signs for you and Emily this journey will be complete and done ". 

Ohh, friends, that is the beauty of living in the inexplicit. We don't always see, know, or hear exactly what is God is doing we just know he is there. Daddy is working on it even when we don't see it. Daddy never gives up and is beyond our worldly tirelessness and restlessness and whining. He is solid! He wants us to see the beauty of our daily into the mighty of our trials. 

I believe there is a solidness of living inexplicit with our Heavenly Daddy. Psalm 40 declares; "I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He pulled me out of a horrible pit, out of the mud clay. He set my feet on a rock and my my steps secure". Psalm 40 has given me a sense of solace and solidarity with the Lord when I feel out of touch and ill prepared. When the world has came to seek me, destroy, and make me lose heart it is a Heavenly Daddy that sees my despair, your despair, and pulls you out. He seeks to put us not only back on our feet but on a rock of his son Christ Jesus that we would stand free and clear. Clear to see, hear, and know our Daddy is always with us. Clear to see, hear, and love others as He has done for us without judgement or delay. 

I feel a natural beauty in writing this 4th of the series of "Lioness Among Tigers". It is the inherent nature of a Daddy who loves us dearly that comes in our despair. For Emily it took 7 years to gain seizure freedom. Today she is 113 days seizure free. The team at MU tells us that we can celebrate in 2 years. Today we celebrate 113 and counting. Below is a picture of sweet Emily on top of the parking garage at MU praying with her mama. 

May you walk in mercy and peace, 

Sherry

Updates; 

*We traveled through the rain and my migraine and nausea on Sunday and made it safely to Columbia.  Emily had a series of tests and a consult with Dr. Bandy. We would appreciate prayers for safe travels while we are here and for when we go home on Tuesday. 

*Emily's challenge of the week is hearing things correctly as they are spoken. I find her puzzled at times when I say metaphors; she has to ponder those for a while. She asks me to explain the meanings and feels "overwhelmed" at time this week in her recovery. 

*Her neurologist is concerned with Emily's equilibrium. His concern is that the seizures have moved to another spot in her brain and what we are seeing when she stumbles and trips as she walks is a seizure. There were no appointments available for a scan or for a 3 days EEG this week. That means we will have to return or those in the future. Would you pray that the schedulers call soon and we could get an appointment for both. 

*I will be returning to Sough Dakota in late April. Prayers over my ability to be God's light in my travels there. Emily has been cleared today by Dr. Bandy so she can go with me. He told us to make it back by her appointments in June and be safe. 

*Dr. Bandy cleared Emily to ride her bike again! Well, only around the block but that is huge! This is something she hasn't done without us walking or riding with her in years. She has to wear a helmet which she has. He told me to make sure the helmet is tight on her head. I told him I would verify the fit of her unicorn helmet and he laughed and told us that his daughter loves unicorns too. 

 

Excluded VS Exclusive

Matthew 10:28-31 "And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are numbered. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value that the sparrows".

I've been pondering a while with each of the blogs about Emily. I know that I am supposed to write five and there are only two done. I know that God wants total transparency which petrifies me. How can I be eloquent with my words and the ordeal that we have experienced? I think it might take more than five blogs, God, geez. To which I hear "write". 

We bought a Ring for our front door. The past couple of weeks the Ring has been ringing but there is no one on the camera or at the front door. I can however here the wind blowing and birds chirping. Most people might find it annoying. I don't it reminds me that I am far more important to God than the birds. 

When I hear the birds chirp it reminds me that I am not bigger than my creator and that he is protective of me. He is protective over Emily. This week marks a milestone for Emily she has been seizure free 103 days as of today. I began to cry today because I can not remember a time where my daughter has been 103 days seizure free. There is something daunting about that. I have been taking a step back each day to try to comprehend that when God says "it is done" he means it. 

 I feel scared to write about Emily being seizure free because what if she isn't? What if I was wrong as I stood praying and rallying our Heavenly Daddy to heal my daughter? What if I look like a fool with my words. What if my words and actions let our Heavenly Daddy down? Here's a brief history and maybe it is why I hesitate. 

To catch you up it took 5.5 years to find a neuro team that would take Emily's case. Within those 5.5 years we had seen four neurologists. Each passing the case to another because they did not know how to help Emily. The local KC neurologist told me that he was good but it was going to take a team to look through her case and to help her. He sent her case to both KU and MU. Within a week we heard that KU said no. Our prayers were on MU to take her case. It took 1.5 months before we got a call from MU and they wanted to schedule a new patient appointment. 

Last year the MU team told us that Emily was a candidate for surgery to save her life. The neurosurgeon shared that Emily's seizures are so severe that people that have them usually die within the first year. He shared that if they live their memory is affected but yet Emily could remember organic chemistry calculations and do them correctly. Dr. Sadek asked me if I had faith? I said "yes, sure". Then he asked me again "Do you have faith?" because I guess he wasn't satisfied with the first response. I said boldly "YES". He told me to look at Emily because I am seeing a "miracle". He told me he could not wait to work on a miracle and she what she will do in her life. 

After the first brain surgery in late October I came to the hospital everyday. I told Emily she was a miracle at birth. I told her each day before I left that she was living breathing hope to me. I made her repeat after me "I AM A MIRACLE" each day before I left her room. There was something that settled my heart, mind, and spirit that my kid would know she was a miracle while I wasn't with her. I would pray as I left her room and going down the corridor of the hospital. I would walk in mercy aka my right foot and peace aka my left foot.  I went through the hospital muttering in pray for mercy and peace to prevail among the patients, families, and staff at MU. 

The first week I frequently felt compelled to go and ask people if I could pray for them. I had no idea why but I did it. No one ever said no. I have come to see it as the Holy Spirit guiding me to others that were as overwhelmed as I. I praised our Heavenly Daddy for each precious person that I was bold enough to pray with because it was changing me. It was building me stronger than I knew I could feel it with each prayer. 

Then came the day that I went to the hospital and there was a big dry erase board on a easel. It said that "Beginning 11/13 No Hospital Visitors for the Safety of our Patients and Staff". I began to weep and frantically texted my handful of friends with a picture of the sign and the message "pray".  As I got to near the check in desk I saw the gal that I had gotten to know. Even though I knew what the sign meant I asked her with tears "What does that mean?". She looked at me and began to cry too. She said "Sherry, I am so so sorry. You can't catch a break. I am so sorry but ...". The rest was about Covid rising at the hospital and the number of cases doubling in one day. I heard her that the Covid cases were rising. I took a deep breath with my mask on. I saw the long line of visitors behind me. I said "Can I pray with you quickly because I need to spend time with Emily today but I need you to know you are covered in mercy and peace of our Heavenly Daddy that no disease nor virus will effect you or your family. God has you and I will be praying over you today as you deal with people that mercy and grace prevail".  In tears together she asked if she could hug me. 

After the hug I felt better. I felt like God was protecting me and Emily from Covid. My friends had started to text back and I felt supported. I felt like this was going to be tough but God created me tough. I did what any other mom would have done. I went to the gift shop and bought all the Sprite and Milk Duds they had and took them to Emily. 

The last day I got to be with Emily I could feel that God needed to separate us. I couldn't understand why. It broke my heart that at this moment he would choose to exclude me. Before I left one of the neurologists from the team popped in before I had to leave to talk to me.  He shared that Emily is a miracle which is why she was there. He told me that the team was hopeful that they could help her and that I needed to be hopeful too. He told me "we must never lose hope" and shared the team remained hopeful. 

Emily's nurses came in to tell me they were sorry about the situation. They told me that they were only told 10 minutes before visiting hours. I told them that I felt like God was protecting both Emily and I from Covid. I shared that I didn't like it but I accepted it. I told them that I had been praying over them and the Neuro team. I asked if I could pray for them. Several of the nurses came in and I prayed over them and the rest of the team that no disease nor virus would affect them, their family, or pernitrate their cars or homes. That our Heavenly Daddy would bubble wrap each of them and keep them safe. I praised God that He had given Emily these nurses to be His hands and feet. 

Before I left I hugged my daughter taking a deep breath in that it would not be the last time I hugged her. I asked her "what are you? and she said loudly "I AM A MIRACLE".  I prayed over Emily as her door closed and wept in the hallway. I praised our Heavenly Daddy for her and told him to take her back because his love was better than mine. His protection and care more vast than anything I could do. I praised him and then walked down the hallway in mercy and peace. I left the hospital that afternoon feeling excluded. Excluded from my daughter in an unbearable way that I have never experienced. As I sat in my car I sobbed harder than I think I have my whole life. 

Excluded from the hospital and Emily.  It hit me sitting there in the car to pray it out. As I prayed I felt better and bolder. So bold that I prayed via social media before I left . I prayed over Emily, the neuro ICU team, and then over the floors of the hospital, staff, patients, and other families like me that were now excluded. 

I took a deep breath and I felt like our Heavenly Daddy was reminding me that Emily has been excluded by life. Excluded from college because the seizures were coming twice a week or more. Excluded from her own memory so much that she struggled the final semester she was in college. Excluded as friends have graduated from college, got married, and have kids. Excluded of the life she once dreamed of.  I have never felt that type of exclusion like Emily. It hit me that our Heavenly Daddy had me just where he wanted me excluded to him and only him. It hit me that I could not lay down defeated.  I was excluded from the hospital but with resolve I decided I would not leave Columbia without my daughter. It hit me that the blows I experienced this one day were nothing in comparison to what Emily had been facing for 6.5 years. 

As I wiped my tears and closed my prayers in the parking garage I felt like God told me to go buy a book. I was like really now? I am in a city that I do not know and I have just been excluded from my daughter. The request came again to go buy a book. I told him yes and asked him to guide me. He took me to a thrift shop and when I asked him what book he just told me "any book you choose". I went in and found a book, bought it, and as I went to get into my car there was a lady behind me. She asked "do you have anything you could give me?". I started to weep because if I were home I'd have water bottles, granola bars, and spare cash for people. But I wasn't home I was excluded from what I know and what I know to do. That broke my heart. 

My back was still turned to her when she asked again "Do you have anything?". I turned to look and her and through my tears I told her "I have nothing. My daughter had brain surgery and is waiting to have her second brain surgery. Today the hospital locked me out because of Covid. I have nothing to give" and then I wailed and cried harder. She came up to me and said "Child you are more broke than me" and began to pray over Emily and me. She said "God's got your girl but its you he needs" and she began to pray over me. I listened as she was praying and muttering to herself. After a while she said "God has got Emily and he has you now too. Your girl is gonna be just fine and so are you". And, then she walked away. I stood and cried. All of sudden it hit that I never told her Emily's name but she knew it. Then I thought you fool go find her and offer her a ride. I went the same direction that she was walking but couldn't find her. 

My problem at MU was that I got excluded from being a mom. I was excluded from being our Heavenly Daddy's hands and feet to Emily. Excluded from the some sort of life I was living while in Columbia. For you it might be being excluded from the life you want.  Or being excluded from bearing God's light brilliantly because you aren't sure how or when. Perhaps the noise from the world is so loud and you feel so very small.  Maybe you feel excluded because you believe you are unworthy or deserve nothing but the very least. 

As I look back I see that our Heavenly Daddy did not want me to feel excluded but to be "exclusive" with him. That is why he sent me to go buy a book in city that I didn't know and a place I had never been. He placed a complete stranger that knew him and would speak promise into me there. He knew that I would listen, that I love books, and love a good thrift shop find. He knew his precious daughter was hurting, felt broke, and felt excluded.  He used a lady at a thrift shop to remind me that when I am broken I am not forgotten or alone. 

My go to verse is ; Matthew 10:28-31 "And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are numbered. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value that the sparrows". This verse has served me well to remember that I am ; chosen, worthy, filled with grace, and valuable. It has helped me break free to have faith in hard things. It is why I laugh when I see a bird pooped on my windshield ; I always think of this verse and thank God that I have indoor plumbing and that he loved me far more than the bird that did its business on my windshield. I hope the verse will encourage you too. 

I want to encourage you that our Heavenly Daddy is ; steadfast, loving, and exclusive. I feel he wants me to share that you are not alone you are seen. You have been created beautifully and splendidly with promise and perspective, friends. At your birth you were a miracle of life! As you read this you are a miracle! You have the opportunity to be exclusive with your creator! YOU ARE A MIRACLE. 

Walk in mercy & peace. 

-Sherry 

PS ; we are heading back to MU this week for vision testing for Emily. We would love prayers for safe travels there, while we are there, and back home later this week. 

Emily is having issues with her equilibrium. It began last week more and more each day. She is stumbling when she walks and tripping. At times her steps are awkward. We have called MU and they told us it is all part of the recovery process. I know she would love prayers that her equilibrium come to full fruition and that she would walk with grace and dignity. 

 

Happiness is Beautiful

 "He gathers the water in the sea like a dam and puts the oceans in his storehouses" ; Psalm 33:7

I've been having a time discerning what to write about in the series I call "Lioness Among Tigers". I've taken a timeout to access and discern what God is leading me to write about and then praying over it. What is being asked to write about is deeply personal. It is about Emily's journey and my own, friends. 

I have been guarded because of the mama bear that protects her daughter. In the second year of seizures I was praying more like pleading with our Heavenly Daddy in tears for Emily. It was during one of those whiny pleas that I heard "Emily's story is my glory. It is her story. Dry your tears and be her mom. You are my hands and feet, daughter".  I stopped writing and speaking about Emily and her seizures. About the extreme pressure my daughter was under and I as her mom. 

Now our Heavenly Daddy has done a miracle. Emily is 48 days seizure free. She has not been seizure free for this long since she was 19.  We are now in year 7 of "her story for his glory". It feels like God is telling me it is time to open the dam and the storehouse that has been guarded. It's been a challenge friends and a heartbreaking process to write the second in this series. How much do I share; the response is "all of it". Won't that make me volatile? The response "not a chance it will make you free".  Ok, here we go, friends; 

My mom passed away last year. As I went through my mom's clothing to donate last year I came across her perfumes. I stood in her bathroom and just cried and sniffed perfume. I found a bottle of "Happy" perfume and cried more. 

When I was a teenager I so wanted a bottle of "Beautiful" perfume. My mom and I went to the mall. My mom told me that I needed to smell all the different perfumes and find the right scent that was uniquely me and not just what I wanted.  We sniffed and sniffed and then went and got a coke. We came back to sniff and sniff some more. I found the bottle of "Beautiful" that I wanted. My mom sniffed and said "Beautiful is too heavy for you, Sherry. I think Happy is exactly you. Happy is what God created when he gave me you. When I look at you I see a happy girl that perplexes me because she can always see and find the good". 

Each year after we would go on my birthday to the perfume counter together and she would buy me "Happy". I wore the perfume not only as my scent but as a reminder of what God created me to be; to find the the positive and hope for the best. Secretly, I still longed for "Beautiful" but knew that beautiful was too heavy for me. It became a metaphor for my life, friends. I have spent years spinning in happy ; finding the good in the moment, seeking the best from God, and knowing heartache that only the Lord could heal. Being happy but never feeling beautiful. 

November marked the first anniversary of mom's death. I totally forgot it. My daughter was in the hospital fighting for life and we were in a battle for a miracle from Heaven. At the time it didn't feel happy or beautiful. It felt painful, prolonged, and personal ; that is right where our Heavenly Daddy wanted me. He wanted to teach me a lesson that even when you feel attacked, frightened, and overwhelmed you can be happy. That kind of happy is beautiful because it is heavy. 

A friend asked me last week how Emily was doing. This is what I shared; Today she felt like she was slurring her speech. I assured her that she wasn't and she sounded just fine. She actually repeated her sentence a couple of more times to make sure that I heard her and it was correct. Her hair has started growing back which is a huge self esteem booster. The biggest thing is that she has not had a seizure since we got home".  Just typing that makes me happy. Can you feel how that could be happy or possible even beautiful? Yeah, probably not enough for beautiful but definitely happy.  

I went on telling my friend ; I think the biggest praise to our Heavenly Daddy is that the girl I sent to college at 19 is back. I have not seen Emily track this well in years which brings me to tears. I have seen her gradually being reduced to one or two days that she tracks well. The rest of the days she; has garbled speech, stumbles as she walks, has migraines, and sleeps her days and nights away.  Right now she is doing NONE of that. She does nap but when she is up she holds a conversation well, is pertinent with information, and shares from her heart and soul beautiful stories about her journey. The most impressive is that she has told me that she has felt she has felt trapped in her own body for years with no way out and feeling like she was loosing it".  There are lots of things within that where you could find happiness especially that Emily can now talk freely rather than having something holding her back...but beautiful? Check this out.  

I finished up telling my friend this ; "Emily told me what got her through all of it is that she could feel that she wasn't alone. She says it felt like someone was always there with her but it wasn't me, her dad, or brother it felt different. Emily shared she felt the same way at the hospital. At the hospital she had a dream that Jesus was sitting next to her holding her hand as she slept. Emily told me that it has been Jesus there with her for the past 7 years beside her. That she couldn't realize it was him because of the seizures, migraines, memory loss, and not tracking well but now she knows that it was always him". I believe that is too heavy to be called just happy, friends, that can only be called beautiful. 

As I sat writing for the past couple of weeks to come up with a second blog in the series I kept coming back to the "Happy" perfume with my mom. I kept thinking about my text to a friend. This week it became clear I needed to write about being happy and the heaviness of truly being beautiful. 

I would be hard pressed to tell you that everything for seven years with Emily has been easy or happy. The seizures she experienced were grueling for her physically, mentally, and spiritually. The seizures came unexpected in the night or even when we were sitting eating dinner at the kitchen table. The seizures came to reap and sow in fear not only in Emily but in me and our family. We could not live a normal life and we could never anticipate the weariness of sheer happiness. I took everyday as a challenge to remain happy.  To give God praise each day that I woke up and that I had a daughter named Emily. I praised God that he had promise and perspective for Emily and that her story would be for his glory. We began doing a "celebration of life" over Emily after every seizure. It was a time to celebrate she was still alive and pray over her.

Friends, I know it is hard to be happy. I know it is hard to find praise when you want surrender. I have believed for years that beautiful was too heavy a fragrance for me.  I also began believing that beautiful could never be a descriptive word for me or my life. Seven years ago my life changed my life.  Seven years ago in January when Emily's college called and said she was in the ER and was unresponsive after a seizure. They told me that she began seizing in class and stopped breathing. That she was unresponsive and the EMT's were called. They told me that she laid in an ER in St Louis alone and unresponsive. I had no idea what had happened. The one thing I did know was that she was not alone that Jesus was there with her. I put all my trust that Jesus was there as I called the hospital and quarreled with the staff until a nurse had mercy on me and told me that my 19 year old daughter was alive and details. 

 As I began thinking about writing about being happy and beautiful this week. I can't say that Emily or my story has been a happy one for the past 7 years. In honesty, friend, yesterday, stunk! Emily wasn't tracking well and almost fell down twice trying to use the stairs. By the grace of our Heavenly Daddy I was home with her and could get her up the stairs and in a chair. I asked if she was ok and her response was "overwhelmed" and then nothing. Nothing but "overwhelmed" and tears. 

I know the face of disappointment, delay, and anguish yesterday just like I did 7 years ago with the phone call from Emily's college.  I felt Psalm 33:7 pop out; "He gathers the water in the sea like a dam and puts the oceans in his storehouse". I sense that God has been gathering the waters around Emily and our family for the past 7 years and creating a dam that held back despair and replaced it with determination. He created a storehouse of God given grit for Emily, myself, my husband and son to access when needed, necessary, or we just wanted to. 

God given grit allows the passing of time without recognizing the pain of the moments in between. God given grit allows you to wake in the morning and praise our Heavenly Daddy for waking up and ask him what should we do today and listening for a response. It allows each of us the capability of being happy in the face of what we are going through personally or what is happening in the world. 

God given grit allows us to seek mercy and peace at all times. God given grit is ours even when we do not hear a response as we pray.  God given grit allows us the freedom to deal with the day and the challenges we encounter. God given grit is the blessing of trusting our Heavenly Daddy, our creator, who calls us beloved with everything and walking in mercy and peace not only for our own happiness but to bear his light brilliantly to the world. 

I feel like I need to point something out, friends. Something very important. There are times I have come to know when our Heavenly Daddy is silent. He is NOT silent because I have made him mad or that I am undeserving. It is by grace that he is gifting me silence because my world is so very, very extraordinarily noisy. It is his gift that I would find solace in the silence of just being with him. Solace in silence can bring happiness if you realize the gift from Heavenly realms that it is. 

In the past 7 years there have been mornings that I hear what I am to do and I relish those mornings because they bear my heart and soul of who I am created to be. There have been more mornings that I heard silence and that I knew it was going to be a tough day and one that I could feel compromised. In the silence I grew in resilience with our Heavenly Daddy for the day and how to approach it. Resilience led me to an alignment with our Heavenly Daddy that says "you can go if you want but I would really like it if you stayed a while". That alignment is fierce and is a step to allowing yourself to dig your heels in and stand when the world roars to knock you down and make you whimper. If you have experienced moments like that and stood tall and firm on the rock of Jesus guess what? That is God given grit. 

Grit lets the world roar and knows that our Heavenly Daddy's ROAR is so much bigger, louder, and fiercer than anything else. Grit releases you to tell your Heavenly Daddy to ROAR over you and situations to break you free. Grit requires absolute trust and praise to a Daddy that will always be there and ready to pick you up out of the mud and clay and sit your feet back on the rock and make you steady. Grit is allows you to be happy at times that would bring tears. Grit is saying that happiness is beautiful when the world sees a mess. 

Emily had surgery on November 19. I got to bring her home before Thanksgiving. One week after coming home I was up in the morning watching the news. I saw a commercial advertising makeup at Macys and cried. It hit me that it had been one year since my mom passed. One year and I forgot it. Emily heard me crying and came to make sure I was ok. I told her that I thought we should go buy some perfume. I shared with her I forgot my mom's death anniversary. I shared with her about "Happy" and "Beautiful" and asked if she would go with me to buy perfume. 

By God's grace my daughter was two weeks out of her second brain surgery and was walking and talking. She hugged me and told me she would get ready. We went to Macys for perfume. I bought a bottle of Happy and a bottle of Beautiful. The happy is for the girl that I was and still am that loves the God, sees the best in people and situations, and hopes. The beautiful is for the mom that helped me realize that being happy can be beautiful but it can feel "too heavy" for us. Beautiful grace steps in when that happens. Emily and her journey has allowed me to see that beautiful is not heavy but it is connected to being happy.

Today I praise our Heavenly Daddy for God given grit that he has in storehouses for us to use. I find thanks for generations of women that challenge me and allow me to be who I am. I had to stop writing to praise our Heavenly Daddy for the gifts of my mom and my daughter. I am thankful for the ability to see that happy and beautiful work together harmoniously even as the world roars. I know my Heavenly Daddy ROARS over me and you too. I am praying that I will walk in mercy and peace today. I pray that you will find yourself walking in mercy and peace too. 

There it is friends. The second one is wrote. Wowsies, what an incredible blessing to dig in and share with you. 

May you walk in mercy and peace- Sherry