Quiet Time

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes through Him.  Psalm 62:1

There were two things as a kid that I detested and still do.  My mom would tell me each day it was "quiet time" which meant no talking, humming, singing, etc.  I remember each day within minutes asking, "Mommy, is quiet time over?".  And, the other thing I detest is getting my face wet whether that means in the shower or getting dunked in a pool....strongly dislike it.

This season of my life I feel like the world is pouring over me and my family like waves in the ocean.  The things that I know like having honesty and integrity and loving the Lord don't seem to matter.  The waves literally left me submerged in the depths of an ocean of hurt and not knowing what to do.  I shared with a friend last week that there were things that it felt like the world was pushing me under the waves to lie, cheat, and live without the integrity that God gave me and my heart was breaking trying to be who God intended me to be.

On Tuesday of this week I literally was sunk.  Do you know the feeling?  Not being able to come up for air, being told no everywhere you turn and you feel like you are in a corner that you can't break free?  Your trust that you've got in God to meet your needs or "supply" is wavering and you feel forgotten and broke...yeah, that was Tuesday afternoon for me.  I literally wept because I didn't know how to to fix my heath, our lack of insurance, or meet our financial needs for meds that all of us need. I felt conflicted on what to do, who in our family do I prioritize and who gets left behind, and how God do I make worldly choices when my soul is not at peace with it.  How can I say I live in faith and confidence this day when all my phone calls were "no" to my requests. I had to pick Emily up from college early because she threw up & her head hurt from the fluorescent lights in her classroom.  I was in fear knowing that I couldn't afford Emily's seizure meds next week.  And, yes, I literally bleed when I went to the bathroom and felt sick.  That was my Tuesday and I wept.  I told God I knew he would meet our "supply" needs but how much further did I have to sink to have it done. 

Know what happened?  Wednesday.  Wednesday morning I got a call from the state to ask about the paperwork that I filled out for our family and the info they had from our family through the marketplace aka Obamacare.  At that moment I thought do I "lie" and make up a truth like the world is pushing me to do or stand my ground and hear her say "no".  I stood my ground and told her the truth.  I told her it was complicated and explained what had happened to us this year.  And, guess what?  She understood and said it made sense.  I told her we were literally sinking and didn't know where to turn and so anything we could fill out we tried.  She told me that Dale, my son, qualified for sure.  I told her thank you for that as my "win of the week".  I was grateful for that and I could wait until January for insurance.  She told me she heard the honesty in my words and I shouldn't have to wait until January and was going to talk to her supervisors and get back with me. 

Melinda, the case worker,  got back with me Wednesday morning.  She said it wasn't perfect but they would cover insurance for both Dale and I. She said once I was better to call her and let her know because we were in her prayers.  She said that she gets lots of applications, calls, etc but she could her the desperation and honesty in my words.  That is why she went to her supervisor and insurance for me was granted.  She told me "today it paid to be honest in the world".  After I got off the phone with her I cried and praised God who knew I had been dunked in the water on too many times.  He knew our family not only needed a "win" but I needed to be reassured about honesty and integrity. 

Thursday, I called, the pharmacy to get all six of my meds refilled.  I called my cancer doctor's office and made an appointment.  And, prayed over having courage to go get the mammogram asap.  I thought of Emily and how my daughter who has a seizure disorder is still without insurance and I wept and prayed over her.  Then, I saw the phone and thought this is the day I make some noise, don't take "no" for an answer and I get her meds.  We had applied for Vimpat her seizure med through the company and so I called.  They said that her application had been approved Monday and mailed out Tuesday.  They showed it should be at Emily's neurologist.  Yesterday, Emily & I trotted on into her neurologist and picked up six months of meds for her.  In dollars and cents it is $5,000 worth of meds.  Take a look at our "bragger pic" below...our God knows how to show off, right?

It's Friday and my "win" for today?  Well, my daughter got her hair cut by our friends that wanted to help.  And, Dale, gets his hair cut tomorrow.  Ted got signed up for insurance for he and Emily which will go in effect in January.  And, I don't feel like I'm going under the waves.  I'm actually on a ship with the wind in my sails. 

Our situation health wise still is unknown.  But God granted us with the tools and resources to meet our "supply" to be able to handle, confront, and meet them head on.  I'm I still sick....yeah.  Emily has seizures, and Ted is an insulin dependent diabetic.  Dale jokes that he is the best of the bunch...lol.  Do we still have stress...yeah.  Do I know that my God won't let me sink when I stand in the storm with honesty and integrity...yeah! 

I've been asked by people to make a list of things that they can do or help us with that are smalls.  I've got a list of Snider Smalls following this post.  If you would like to help with any of them that would be remarkable.   I walk with faith and confidence that God is gonna heal me physically & do great things through me & my family. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Snider Smalls :

1. Pray for Emily.  She takes her finals in a couple of weeks which will be stressful.  Pray for her protection and for God to cease all seizures from her.  This is huge, peeps.  I wouldn't have asked for you to pray that over her before this season in our life but it is with faith and confidence that I do.

2. Pray for courage for all of us as I go into a season of my life that scares that heck outta me.  I want to walk in faith and confidence that I will be healthy.  I want to walk in faith and confidence that I can what they tell me, take on that challenge, and go full force for the Lord. 

3. Here's the list for our family.  It's got stuff that we like, love, and need.  Ok, maybe it is more like "like" because we love & need just our Heavenly Father.

•  Dale : Loves to draw & sculpt. He adores homemade chicken noodle soup, fried chicken, and beef jerky.  He's saving for an x-box1 with his money from his boy's workshops since this summer.  If you would want to leave him a "tip" in the tip jar to help him that would be fab.  He is about $75 short of having enough for the gaming system.  If you would want to swing over with jerky, soup, or fried chicken you would have a fan in Dale.
•  Emily :    Loves the Lord and her family.  She would love some new knee high socks & new pillow to sleep on. She loves lemon zinger tea, apple cider, and diet Dr. Pepper or diet cherry Pepsi.  If you really want to treat Emily she would love some stuff from Bath & Body Works or something girly like a hairbrush, ponytail holders,or new jammies.
• Ted :   He worries about smalls all the time like gas in the tank to get to work and having enough Ramen in the jeep for lunches. He literally is the breadwinner in our home & he needs your prayers that God would uplift him and let him lead our family with strength and integrity.  Feel free to drop off a gas card or microwave lunch stuff for Tedster to help him.  
• Sherry : Pray for me that my courage that God gifted me with prevails through the doctor's appointments, tests, etc.  I love chai tea, chocolate carmels, and bread. I would love some new socks and a candle this year.  I usually light a candle each morning, pray, read scripture, and journal.   

 Thanks to each of you that have reached out to our family.  We appreciate you prayers, love, and strength that we've feel daily....and we pray that we are that same sense of strength, love for you & your family.

Relevance

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

This weekend Dale, my son, and his friend stirred up batter to make a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Although, I helped them to find some things I left the project up to the boys.  Yesterday, when they both were at the house after school.  I told them to get out the dough and I would bake some cookies for them.  Being the awesome mom I am I taste tested one after it came out of the oven and it was lacking something.  What could it be?  I took another bite and then went to ask the boys if they added brown sugar . 

The answer came from Dale, "No we put the regular sugar in.  I didn't add the brown sugar because I didn't think we had any . I didn't want to ask about the brown sugar and  have you start crying about how we don't have enough money for even brown sugar".  That hit me like a sucker punch.  Because my 15 year old sees the stress that I'm under.  He doesn't want to see his mom cry over petty things like brown sugar. That he isn't coming to me when he needs something... even small things like brown sugar for cookies.  That made me think.

How did my world get so warped that my son won't even bother me about brown sugar?  That caused me to sit back, think about what to say and pray.  Last night when things were winding down I took and talked to Dale one on one.  I told him that he could share anything with me and ask me for anything.  I shared with him that this year has been unique but I feel like God is moving mountains in our family's life and mine....but those mountains don't move easily and it is going to take time but I've got faith that God will supply what is needed. 

Dale confided to me that it literally hurts him to see what I'm facing this year, the challenges, the disappointments, and the hurts.  Did I mention that Dale is my kiddo that wears empathy on his heart like a medal of honor?  He is like me in so many ways but he hasn't ever been heartless, callous, or cruel.  He is quiet, kind, and resilient.  If I'm honest I just wanted to cry but I didn't.  I told Dale I thought we needed to pray about what is going on, how it affects us, and allow God to take care of the hurt, pain, or fear that we've got.  He told me he does and then challenged me if I do. 

Have you ever been spiritually called out by your kid?  I was.  I told him that each day once he, Emily, and his dad leave that I read my Bible, write down passages, thoughts, and feelings in a journal.  And, then I pray to God, release my angst about the day, hurts, and cares and let God supply me.  I realized what is lacking though at that very minute.  Dale doesn't see his mom do that. I generally am the one that leads our family talks at the dinner table, talks to him while being his "chauffeur" and prays with him about situations, people, and things.  What is lacking right now is his ability to see his mom come to her Lord and savior in prayer. 

I've been too concerned over trying to earn enough financially to pay for medical bills, insurance, and medications.  My soul focus has been trying to get our health care insurance back and making ends meet until it does.  I've made calls, filled out forms, got a cancer advocate, and prayed silently about what I saw as "relevance" in my world and my family's lives.

What I forgot is the definition of "relevance".  Relevant is defined in Webster's as: "bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand; pertinent".  What is pertinent or relevant in my book isn't the same for Dale, Emily, or Ted.  I've been spending so many hours and days being "relevant" in our battle with the insurance company that I forgot about the "matters in hand" like brown sugar and showing my kids my faith through prayer. 

This morning I got up and felt nausea and pain on my side.  I decided to rest in but I didn't stop being "relevant".  I prayed with Emily and over her about her chemistry test today and her safety on the road.  I took time with Dale and prayed over his heart that loves the Lord and empathy that could move mountains.  I told God that both Dale and I know He can move mountains and I asked in his name to remove that mountain that makes me disconnected.  

This week's message is something different for me.  I've always been a mama who knew her kids, what their needs were, and prayed with and over them.  This fall I've broken from that since I'm busy on the phone, physically feel ill, or justify it with they are older.  My challenge is to restore my relationship with my kids and my Lord.  I need to find the "relevant" issues for each day and pray about those with my kids.  I need to not let those "relevant" issues overwhlem me and rob my joy with my kids, Ted, and my family.  

This week I've challenged my kids to ask me "Is that relevant to right now?".  And, if it isn't something pertinent I've gotta let it go because otherwise it consumes my body, mind, and spirit. I refuse to let my son not ask for brown sugar for cookies because he doesn't want me to cry over not having it.  I'm learning I need to run this season of my life for myself, my kids, Ted, friends, and the blessings God puts in front of me daily.  I need to be grateful to God for this season and the ability to learn what "relevant" means. 

Here's a song that is my "jam" this fall....yeah, I pick one song each season that I like and that fits my life and call it "my jam"....lol.  It is something I've done since high school that has stayed with me through life.  My "jam" this season is Andrew McMahon & the Wildreness, "Swim".  Here's a link to it.  He wrote it during his battle with cancer but it is "relevant" to all of us.  It reminds us that when things are tough we need to "swim" rather than sink in the currents that life throws at us. 

Here's a link to a video of  Swim :  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZTsdKt6e74

 Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• This week we are blessed to afford another week of Emily's seizure med.
• This week I called my advocate to check in.  After I hung up I left all my angst to God and am gonna swim with what is "relevant" for my here and now.
• We are meeting to figure out health insurance today. Pray that our decisions are wise and decisive. 

What's So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?

"My God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19

I love Elvis Costello's song "Peace, Love, and Understanding".  The first time I heard that song I thought, "Yeah, what's so wrong with being a peace punk?  What's wrong with loving everyone irregardless of who or what they seem to be?  And, wouldn't the world be a whole Lotta better if we just took the higher ground with some understanding?".

I've been doing my Bread of Life cards each day and using them to write my thoughts & feeling, etc in my journal.  I came across Philippians 4:19.  I was instantly shuttled back to my peace punk phase growing up.  I read the devotion thought on the other side of the card which said, "That love that gives, not as the world but shares all it possesses with its loved co-heirs".  And, despite what has happened in my lifetime I stay steadfast to my peace punk way : love others, do the right thing, and reflect Christ in my life through my words and actions.

It sounds great, right?  But even I have a breaking point with people and situations.  I come into contact with people that are just "difficult".  They act less than God pleasing and seem to flourish in this world.  The "difficult" seem to say, act, and do as they please and God still blesses them beyond measure and they have no trepidation in their soul, heart, or mind.  The phrase "they just keep on keeping on" seems very fitting for "difficult" people.  And, I feel myself roll my eyes, sigh, and groan about them.

I read from Philippians 4:19 and it encourages my heart, brings peace of mind to me, and encourages me that God will "supply" for my needs and my family's needs.  I've seen that over the past few weeks with the Go Fund Me account I set up to meet our medical expenses until we can restore health insurance in January.  I feel it as friends check in on me, encourage me, and pray over my weary soul.

I hate to say it but I feel like I'm becoming a "difficult" person.  Why?  Because I'm a tired and weary soul.  I need an intervention of the heavenly kind. Ever feel that way?  That you are less than God intends and you need his intervention so you don't ever become a "difficult" person.  Well, here's what I did to consult my Heavenly Father.  

 I prayed yesterday that God not only brings me peace and love to my spirit and mind but to my body.  Each day I wake up achy with nausea.  I've got a painful cramp on my left side that literally takes my breath away when it comes. I don't know what to do and I feel like an ungrateful bitch most days.  Today, I surrendered it all to God and gave it all to him....not just my worries and fears but my physical pain that drains my joy.  My Heavenly Father will "supply all my need in your riches in the glory of Christ....supply me with rest physically.  Allow me to find the ability to rest.  Allow me to eat a dinner with my family without getting sick afterwards.  Allow me days without pain in my side.  I believe and know you can supply me with not just moments or hours but with days without pain and heal me.  Come supply my body, soul, and spirit with your healing.  I work daily to show my gratitude through sharing my blessing with my family, friends, community, and world.  Supply me so I can be like you".

This time in my life is one that I face challenges that aren't just about lack of health insurance, cancer, or family.  I face a challenge that I've got to come good with the Lord about what I do on his behalf daily.  Instead of talking about peace, love, and understanding I've got to show it.  I have to show it when I follow up with my cancer advocate this week instead of crying and feeling restless I need to be thankful to have an advocate.  Instead of leaning on my family and draining them I need to lean into the cancer counselor group that I got connected with.  They said I could call anytime night or day to talk and instead of harboring resentment with my family because they don't know what I need, want, or how I feel.  I need to access the counselors so I'm not a "difficult" person that even I would run from.

I know this blog is more for me....yeah, I'm selfish this week.  I guess that goes with being a "difficult person".  I want to share that yesterday my family worked to help me prep for this coming week.  I'm double booked this coming Saturday for two craft shows and literally have nothing to sell.  They worked to get wire on boards, make window tables, and let me make fabulous ugly Christmas sweaters.  They let me work alone in the artroom and even then I started crying and yelled at them to stop helping me I did want their resentment.  Emily came to me and made me sit down to talk with her.  She told me that lady that started yelling wasn't her mom, the one that hurts, throws up, and is crabby isn't her mom.  She sat and told me she and Dale love me and that is why they are trying to help me.  She confided that she would rather study for her Chem test on Tuesday and Dale would rather sleep in and play video games but they are there because they love me.  They understand I'm stressed and in pain but they want me to know they love me irregardless.  I then broke down, cried like a baby, and hugged her. 

Last night we were done with stuff around 4:30.  Em and Dale got me upstairs to rest because my head was pounding. Emily went and got me some advil & a coke to help with the headache.  And, then, I fell asleep for about 4 hours.  I got up for about 30 minutes and fell back to sleep around 9ish.  And, I slept until 7:30 this morning.  Why do I write about sleeping?  Remember, I prayed to God yesterday for rest...He came through.  I got up and made breakfast for my family and ate a little and didn't get sick!  Yeah, God came through.  Now, to spend the rest of the day resting...I feel like it is time. 

I'm hoping by sharing my "difficult" self to you that you see yourself in it.  We all are selfish and self centered at times and have the ability to become "difficult".  I would hope that you are able to see when you are turning into the "difficult" and pray for God to take that from you.  He designed each of us with joy that should shine through us even when life is hard.  He gave each of us understanding aka empathy and we need to use it daily on those "difficult" souls out there.  He loves us with unconditional love....let's try that on our families, friends, and the "difficult" souls out there.  And, what about peace?  Let's pray for God's peace to wash over us, allow us rest & calm so that we can shine for Him. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:
 

• We filled out paperwork over 3 weeks ago with the Vimpat company for Emily's meds.  We are praying we hear from them soon to see if they will cover the cost of her meds or we could get it at a reduced cost.  Pray the company approves this soon. God is good.
• Ted has insulin for a month from a friend.  And, we were able to afford his Metaformin for a month. We are waiting to hear from drug companies to see if he gets approved for his insulin and the other meds he needs for diabetes. God is good.
• I'm hoping to raise enough in funds from "Go Fund Me" weekly to meet Emily's needs for Vimapat and start to work on my meds. This week we were able to afford another week for Emily and one of my meds....God is good. 
• We meet this coming week to determine what type of health insurance to get.  It is open enrollment time we are asking you to pray that God guides our path so we get insurance that will supply for our family's needs. 

Lovin' Learning

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. -James 1:12

My word of the week is "learning" and I've been reflecting on what I'm "learning" in this season of my life. I feel like a weary soul traveler.  What's that look like?  Tired, worn, beaten up, and looking for a "win" in the day no matter how small....just a "win". 

I've been blessed to have a cancer advocate, Kenny.  He is working on our family's behalf with our former health insurance company.  He told me that each time they call me to refer them onto him.  I've been doing that literally each day for the past week.  The insurance company has called to offer me a "settlement".  They will reinstate our insurance for $2,200 and we won't have any better coverage than we did when it was dropped.  When I ask them about our appeal we wrote this spring when they raised the rate they can't confirm anything about it.  They simply want the $2,200.  I simply have given them Kenny's name and number.  And, still they call me each day.

This week I got a letter from them stating the terms of reinstating our insurance....basically paying the $2,200.  Within the letter they told me I had a pre-existing condition and that it would be very hard if not impossible for me to get insurance elsewhere. Now, here is where the word, "learning", came into place for me.  I learned the day after they dropped out insurance for the American Cancer Society that I could go to the "marketplace" aka Obamacare to get insurance in November to get insurance for our family.  I "learned" that my pre-existing condition wouldn't matter through the Obamacare program and my rates would be the same as others with our same income.  Without what I had "learned" I probably would have been brought to tears, have a wave of guilt wash over me about what I'm doing to my family, and self doubt would have been my advocate.  But, with what I've "learned" that big bad insurance company and their letter didn't scare me....it made me mad.  And, instead of calling them I called my advocate and sent him a copy of the letter. 

When I was in college I worked as a pharmacy technician.  I "learned" through that experience that you can purchase daily, weekly, or monthly amounts of medicine.  This has helped me when dealing with how to pay for my daughter, Emily's seizure meds.  Her meds are $800 a month.  And, last week she took her final dose on Saturday morning.  I promised her that I would figure out how to pay for her meds and told her not to worry about it....worry for her can cause a seizure.  I asked Ted to call pharmacies and get prices for one day, one week, two weeks, and for a month.  I then went to my Heavenly Father and prayed for our ability to figure out how to make it work.  On Sunday we were able to afford one week's worth of her meds ($174). 

This week is coming to a close and I don't have the $174 for her meds and my heart is breaking.  My friends have encouraged me to set up a "Go Fund Me" page to help us.  Just the thought of asking for help breaks my spirit and shakes my core.  I should be able to be the mom that my kids can rely on, the one that jumps at adversity and chases it off, and can make it work.  But, I'm not that kind of mom....I "learned" that this week.  I did "learn" what I know in my heart that I'm a mom that loves her kids and would sacrifice for them.  Know what I did?  I sacrificed my pride, stubbornness, and guilt and set up the "Go Fund Me" page to help pay for Emily's meds this morning.  Here's how you can find our "Go Fund Me" page : https://www.gofundme.com/snidermedical

As I thought of my sacrifice and how so badly I want a "win" I realized that I already have a "win" each day....it is the gift of my salvation through my Heavenly Father.  He made the ultimate sacrifice for me.  It made me realize that I needed to stop mocking God about talking about my sacrifices, complaints, and whines.  I dare to mock his sacrifice by comparing it to my own right now.  Uggh, there's a thought, peeps, am I right? 

Today, I need to find myself giving back to the Lord through praising Him for his ultimate sacrifice.  I need to take the gifts that he gave me : teaching, creativity, care, and empathy for others & invest those gifts and plant them into my family, friends, and community.  The time for me to "learn" that is here and now.  How about you?  Are you willing to stop mocking God about your sacrifices because you are comparing yours to his? There is no comparison....he will always trump yours 100 x 100.  His sacrifice gives us the hope & glory of eternal life and through that hope we are set free. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Fearfully Made Rant

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

How many times a day do you find yourself critiquing your value or worth?  Or is it something that comes so naturally that you would have to really think about it.  For years I've played off my worth, value, and compliments like they weren't real.  Part of that is in my humble nature & part of that is in how I was raised.  Worth and value came to my family came in the how much you earned or what you could do better than others.  Have you ever heard the song "Anything you can do I can do better?".....you've just got a glimpse into my family dynamic as a kid. 

As a teenager I had extra questions about my worth & value not just because all kids do but because I had an older brother that was an alcoholic and took things out on me when he was drunk.  On the best days when I got home from school he was passed out.  On the worst days I got ridiculed for believing I was smart, capable, and had any worth or value in the world.  He was determined to make me feel worthless like he probably felt at the time.

All those things from my past make up my dynamic.  Those are the things that make me question myself.  And, if someone throws a compliment my way for years I've downplayed it.  Just this last year I started to say thank you to the compliments and really absorb them.  Know what happened?  I felt a sense of calm wash over me with each of them.  Each compliment was a small reminder from God that I had worth, value, and was "fearfully & wonderfully made".  It reminded me of all the times I would be in tears as a kid & adult having my mother pray Psalm 139:14.  I think she was praying it would finally absorb into my brain and I would be the girl of grace, light, and beauty that God created.  And, more importantly, I would believe it.

This past weekend I went with some gal pals to the DFL women's conference.  Their theme" grace, light, and beauty".  I was thrilled to go because : last year I stopped believing while at DFL I was destined for damnation based on my younger self.  I wanted a chance to reconnect with the counselor from James River that has called and emailed each month through the past year to check on me, pray with me, and let me know God's got this when I feel like I'm failing.  And, the chance to worship God & seek his peace in this stormy season of my life. The best part was one of the gal's knew my heart and spirit was hurting and helped pay for me to go....thank you dear anonymous angel.

All of those things happened but I was able to re-think my definitions on the words "grace, beauty, and light".   I never would call myself graceful....shoot, my mom called me the bull in the china
cabinet most days as a kid because I was klutzy, active, and accident prone.  I've  always thought of grace in terms of what God grants me to deal with my day, situations, and life in my adult life.  Beauty isn't a word that I would use to define myself.  It makes me think of Miss America and I'm far from pageant ready most days. And the word "light" could either mean not a lot going on with work, a salad for lunch, and for sure not my weight.

Today I see that I have all three of those characteristics within me.  Grace through when times are touch or good in my ability to thank and praise God.  I've got grace enough to realize when I'm in over my head and give it over to my Heavenly Father to help me through.  Beauty is only skin deep, peeps, for reals.  Beauty is in the twinkle of my eye when I joke with my friends, my piggy snort laugh, and my ability to hunker down in this season of life to pray, praise, and give thanks daily. I left light for last because it is my fav. It is something that I prayed for each morning when I taught but didn't realize light was the term for it.  Light is me asking God to allow me to be the vessel through my words and actions so that his "light" shines through me. 

My highlight this week was being able to do the Mama Mia workshop using the Lay Clergy's building to reach my community for Christ with creativity.  Both Emily & Dale came and helped out and I was blessed with mamas & kids that came.  I had an older come by who later sent me a message to let me know she loved what she saw.  She said she would be praying for me because she saw God's love shine through me.....what did I say about "light"? Her message sent a wave of courage through me this week.

Peace be with you- Sherry

**This week with those three words in my arsenal I took to the phones.  I've got a cancer advocate as of this week.  They made some inquires to my insurance company for our family about the rate changes, dropping different meds from our policy, and dropping our insurance.  The advocate got back with me today to let me know they are willing to reinstate our policy for $2200.  He suggested that we hold tight and let him keep working them. 

**We also found out that the pharmacy cards we got don't work for all of our prescriptions.....only certain ones from certain drug companies. We are trying to file paperwork with the drug companies so Ted can get his diabetic meds & Emily can stay on her seizure med. 

**The topper of this week is that I've had nausea, bloody stools, and vomiting. I've got to walk in faith and confidence that God is going to see me through.  My gal pals have suggested I set up a Go Fund Me account and explain what is going on.  Just the thought of it feels my heart with dread and I feel hopeless. I feel inside that I should be able to take care of my family, myself, etc. and not to ask others to do it....it leaves me broken hearted to say the least.  So, pray for God to bring me discernment on the Go Fund me thing.

**I'm reaching out and asking for help with this one:  I made a little library for my yard. I need help digging in the front yard & getting it mounted.  If you or someone you know would like to help me I would love it! 

Leverage

Romans 8:37-39 - No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

How do we find rest during a season of change? If you are looking for answers you came to the wrong gal.  This past week I wished that I had leverage to fight this season of my life.  I grew up with a dad that when I was in trouble he fixed it.  He had connections that could make it all right...maybe not perfect but bearable.  And, I don't have my dad as my "leverage" in the world.  He passed away 23 years ago.

I know that seems a little weird and random right?  I would want my dad that was the "fixer" that leveraged his connections to make things good for his kids & wife? If I had problems with our insurance company back in the day he would have "fixed" it or paid the premium for me.  He would have made sure that his daughter could afford medical care.  That she knew she was loved and cared for....but nope he's not here.

There have been so many times, places, and problems life has thrown my way that I missed having my dad around.  He was my biggest fan, called me out on my crap, and challenged me to be better than he was.  When I got older and he got God in his life he would talk openly & honestly about his faith.  He told me he prayed that I got it before I was old like him. He shared that God had remarkable things in store for me if I just left it all and followed him. He told me that he wasn't always going to be there but God would be.  My dad told me that I was by far a better person than he ever could be if I let God lead the way.

Well, this year, I'm working with God and not against him.  I've learned through being humbled this past year with being sick.  I learned  to ask others to help me....that was a huge one.  I reach out, and genuinely tell people that I love them and mean it.  This spring as I felt better I took on the challenge that God placed me with.  To open my artroom up to my community.  Being creative has always been a solace that God gifted me with.  When things get rough I shelter myself through creativity.  And, through opening my artroom I could see that others could find that same shelter from the world.

I don't know how to tell you to find rest in a season of change, honestly, I don't.  I don't have the "leverage" in the world to make things happen quickly like I did when my dad was alive.  I've got to totally 100% give my heart, hurts, and cares up to my Heavenly Father.  Remarkably, enough when I chose to give it up to my Heavenly Father it doesn't make the situation any clearer most times....it just gives me an overwhelming sense of peace.

I'm learning this week a new meaning for "leverage".  "Leverage" is having humility in your day.  It is being humbled before our creator & having confidence that he will see you through.  "Leverage" doesn't mean going out into the world for Jesus for your own personal gain while crushing others....it means that I go out into the world and set aside my advantages to serve others.  It's learning to love our savior and showing it to the  world around me.  

I know that this past Sunday at City Market I used my "leverage" with God to be kind, approachable, and helpful to people that were passing by and those who saw me and asked me to help them.  I know that is what I've been designed to do all along.  I was designed with a teacher's heart. creative spirit, and smarts.  God has allowed me the perfect timing in being ill to open my artroom.  To reach out to my community and help to bring his solace through creativity to them.  I love that I can equate "leverage" with solace....it's taken a while based on who my dad was & who I am as his daughter to learn but I've got it.  "Leverage" doesn't have to be based on what you have, who you know. and who owes you favors.  There is a heavenly "leverage" that God provides which is a peace & solace in even the worst seasons of our lives.

This week I've been working through paperwork to get a cancer advocate to help Ted & I battle with the health insurance company.  I was blessed last week to get some pharmacy cards that can be used by our whole family for their meds.  We still pay a percentage but it just might be doable which gives me hope.  I've found solace in not being able to worship on Sundays in a typical manner.  We've been going to City Market to sell my loot to help to pay our health insurance until this past week.  This past Sunday I saw it as a way to reach out to others to be like Christ....yeah, it wasn't about the money.  This past Sunday it was about me leaving all that personal gain & reaching out to connect, love, and care for others.

In reality I can see tons of opportunities to grow, strengthen, and serve like Jesus would rather than like Jesus is watching me.  Maybe that is what makes the difference.  Maybe that is where my solace & rest will come from in this season of change.

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• I've got paperwork to fill out through Cancer Care to try to help with gas money to get to the doctor.  That is the only assistance they offer since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer rather than another cancer. 
• I've been working with the Patient Advocate Foundation this past week to get an advocate for our case with the insurance company and to get some advice on my medical bills, etc. 
• I'm blessed to spend some time to reflect on my life and what I need to do next.  I'm blessed to have Tedster, Emily, and Dale here to help me through. I've often said that my kids are my saving grace that God gave me to show me the way....ahh, they really are.  They are strong, capable, and are able to minister to my spirit beyond.  How did they get so awesome over the years that they would be able to do that?  I truly think that is why God blessed me with Dale & Emily. God knew I don't listen well, I'm headstrong, and think I can take on the world....but he gave me two kids that caused me to slow down, be a mom, think about them before myself...ohh, man, God is good. 
• Prayers: Pray for me & the family in this season...it's bumpy but we aren't defeated.  Pray that in the coming days I'm able to get an advocate provided to help me.  Pray that I can find a freebie mammogram in the KC area.  I've made calls and been turned down and so I'm not real clear on where to go for that one.  

Out To Pasture

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. - Romans 8:18

This week has been heartbreaking to me and I feel washed up & used up.  I don't know what the term "ready to put out to pasture" means since I'm a city kid but that sounds kind of decent. If only there were a free Starbucks and Netflix in the pasture with a big comfy pillow & quilt.  Ok. those are my conditions if & when I go out to pasture.

What's been going on?  I'm physically tired.  I've been working hard this summer and lovin' every creative & memorable moment with my kids.  But I've also ignored my doctor when she said to rest and take it easy when I don't feel 100%.  In the spring I had pre-cancerous cysts removed from my intestines.  This fall I've literally been poopy and have started to bleed rather than have stools which scares me and makes me want to "go out to pasture" & be done.

As a fam we are trying to adjust from the past year or so of me being sick and now here we go again.  Yesterday, our health insurance got cancelled. Why?  Because we couldn't afford the $1,200 for it. Ted knew it was coming and has been on the phone with BCBS all month giving them our background story.  Asking if they could reduce the rate that they doubled this spring. Asking if they have processed our appeal.  Asking them to just take half and let him figure out a way we can get the rest.  The answer to all these questions came yesterday when he called them and they told him personally that our insurance was cancelled and they wouldn't look into our appeal, etc. unless we paid the premium.  

Ahh, now what to do?  All I can do is think of Ted who is diabetic and needs insulin.  I think of Emily who finally has gotten her groove back.  She's in classes at the community college & just got her ability to drive.  But she needs her seizure meds to keep her going.  And, Ted, Em, and Dale need insurance in case something happens.  And, yeah, I need insurance to go to my cancer doc, get tests ran, and help pay for insurance but that isn't what crosses my mind.  It's my family & their basic needs.

The one thing I know is that God is with me & my family through this season.  He will sustain us, lift us up, and watch over each of us.  I don't just write those words I believe them in my heart & soul.  That is what caused me to wake up this morning and start making phone calls.  I called Cancer Care this morning.  They told funding for ovarian cancer through them amounts to a one time gas card to get you to your doctor's appointment.  The gal was nice enough, said she would send an application, and let me cry.  The next call was to Cancer Action where I left a message for a gal to call be back about resources in my area.  Next call was to the American Cancer Society.  They sent me to the insurance advocates that looked through our info.  They gave me ideas of how to get insurance for Dale.  And, we talked about the situation with BCBS and the possibility of Ted, Emily, and I not having insurance until January.  Then I called Emily's neurologist, told them what had happened and asked for help to get her meds.  Final call for this morning was to Patient Advocate Foundation who took my details and will have an advocate call me within the next few days. 

It's not perfect but God created me smart & capable.  I feel that I haven't failed God or my family today because I got out there and tried.  I may have a runny nose, red eyes, and been a crybaby but no one that I called scorned me for it.  They were patient, kind, and sincere.  I had one gal tell me that she was a believer too and pray with me while I cried over the phone.  It wasn't a perfect morning but I feel God's compassion washing over me.  I can spend the rest of the day walking in faith & confidence that I don't have the answers and things didn't get solved.  Why?  Because Jesus is walking beside me and he does have the answers and knows how to solve it.  I don't know how, when, or where but he does & that's enough for the day.

I wrote this to encourage each of you.  We all have moments, seasons, and times when we feel like we'd be better off going out to "pasture".  The prob is there is no Starbucks in the pasture, Netflix, or a comfy pillow.  But if you choose to live with Christ there is the remarkable gift of eternal life that I'm sure I will drink so many chai teas my stomach will ache.  I know through Christ that on the worst days He is there wrapping his heavenly quilt around me to get me through.  And, I know the same is true for you!

I would appreciate your prayers for our family during this season.  I haven't talked openly with my kids about my medical situation only to say that I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. In reality I don't know what my cancer doc wants to do with me so that is what I know....I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. 

Peace be with you- Sherry