"Before I formed you in the belly I knew you; and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you, and I ordained you a prophet to the nations" - Jeremiah 1:5
Over the weekend I decided that I needed to get back to blogging. Writing is cathartic exercise for my soul. It allows me to talk openly about what is going on in my world, how God is moving, and allows me to aspire.
This morning I woke up and could not get the thought of "stop hiding in the shadows" out of my brain. Sure, it could be the chemo, stress, or just something that is weighing on my heart. I got up and wrote out these words; shadows, guilt, fear, remorse, doubt, shame, and fraud. And, yes, I knew what my spirit was telling me I needed to stop hiding in the "shadows" that I've created and restore light into my life.
We all battle "shadows" in our lives that to encompass & drown out who we are. And, more importantly,who God intended us to be. It is a way that we define ourselves rather than what God's light tells us. In some warped view we see ourselves as unworthy, unloveable, and never enough. What God tells us is that we are : loved beyond measure, uniquely created and woven, and we are priceless in his eyes.
I referenced Jeremiah 1:5 because it is familiar to me. When I was a teenager, full of self doubt and loathing, my mom would pray this verse over me. It never hit me until my 40s what those words meant for me and each of us. "Before I formed you in the belly I knew you; and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you, and I ordained you a prophet to the nations". The words ; formed, sanctified, and ordained came at me as if they were in neon. Each of these words serves to battle the shadows I've spent a lifetime in. Do any of these sound familiar?
Guilt: not doing enough, not being enough, and unworthiness
Fear: what ifs plague our soul and attach on like ticks on a dog to suck us dry of joy and leave abandonment and fear
Remorse ; shoulda, coulda, woulda
Doubt: worthless and not worth a care
Shame: all those things that we've done that allowed darkness to surface in our lives and spread
Fraud: defining ourselves in the worlds terms rather and turning our back on what God says because he wants you to suffer, hurt, and scramble
In reality each of these "shadows" that plague me are a load of crap that I've allowed to creep in. Each are joy robbers and defeatest to the God's light and truth. Let's go back to His truth about us: formed, sanctified, and ordained
Formed; that means you are created as our Heavenly Fathers choice...you are choice! You have his holy approval.
Sanctified: that means you have a special premise and purpose in this world that is uniquely yours from our Heavenly Father
Ordained: each of us has a eternal purpose in this world. We are meant to be in a perpetual state of movement to be his light to one another and to stretch ourselves further.
This afternoon as I write I feel the need to silence the shadows once and for all. Guilt has no premise because in Him I am enough. Fear is replaced by trust in a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants to exceedingly and abundantly meet my needs . There is no time for remorse over the past there is a clear light to the future. Doubt that one is harder to silence but it is through the bright light of God that I know I was created to do wonderful and splendid things in this world which would make no room for shadows. Shame is a sham of our own devices He created us unique, wonderfully woven, and with a purpose to share his light. Finally, fraud, I think this is the toughest shadow for me to break. Fraud ties in with all the other shadows for me. The what if they knew things from my past. The "fraud" that has captured me for 20 some years is that I know I love my Heavenly Father but if given a choice of him or my earthly dad ...well, I falter to run to my Heavenly Father. I long for the man I knew as my earthly father that would rescue his daughter, led me to believe I was his princess, and was my fixer of all things worldly that could crop up. What if this girl that claims to be after God's heart would simply run to an earthly father if given the choice?
The shadow of "fraud": weighs heavy on my soul, hear, and mind. I've always known my Heavenly Father throughout my whole life but I've always associated myself as "Dale's daughter" not my Heavenly Father's beloved daughter. This summer my son told me of a dream he had that on my final day I would be given a choice of my Heavenly Father or my earthly father. He told me that he sees me standing in the middle of the two and instead of running to God I stand in the middle crying unsure of which to choose. My son told me that I need to work that out and its something that I would have to do on my own. He told me that he prayed over how to help me choose easily God but that God told him that is all on me there is nothing he can do to help me.
All the shadows come full circle now with that realization from my sonshine. I realize the magnitude of the shadows in my life. I realize that it is choosing to stay in the shadows or coming out into the light. I've been working on "trusting" my Heavenly Father over the course of a lifetime. I often forget or give credit to others rather than to Him. He has allowed that to happen . Now I feel a pressing from God that He wants it all ....he wants my praise, my trust, and my devotion to him. He is prompting my heart, mind, and soul to align with his. This morning when I couldn't stop thinking "come out of the shadows" as our Heavenly Father waking me.
I know my Heavenly Father created me unique. Created a girl that loved art and writing. That contrives joy in teachable moments as a teacher, student, or friend. This morning I'm stepping out of the shadows and into the light. I choose my Heavenly Father who created me, is omnipresent, has boundless grace, mercy, and love for me. I choose love which is our Heavenly Father. What do you choose? Do you choose to hide in the shadows or come out in the light?
Peace be with you- Sherry
Updates:
- I've been doing chemo again this month. My consult with my oncologist has me heartsick We talked about my immune system being compromised and that I need to take it slow. He told me he realizes that I don't listen but I need to. I caught a cold from my husband two months ago and it is finally over. This has been a hard pill for me to swallow. I'm currently praying over what the future holds and how God designed me to be his light. I feel like blogging is the first step.
- Emily was officially diagnosed with epilepsy this month because of her seizures. It has been three years since the first seizure. She still is not seizure free even with meds. We applied to health insurance for her from the state because of her disability. She can't drive and has to live at home because she stops breathing during seizures for a couple of minutes up to 10 minutes. I"m asking for prayers that she would receive insurance from the state so we can get her to a epilepsy neurologist. Because she is young she is a candidate for brain surgery to remove the portion of her brain where the seizures come from or to have a button installed that would be a sensor and stop the seizures. Both are realistic for her but she needs health insurance before we can go further. We've prayed as a family and continue to over Emily that she would be seizure free and be able to be God's light.
- Dale was accepted to KU within 24 hours of sending his application. He has dreamed of being a palentologist and KU has that program. We are praying on his ability to get scholarships and recieve financial aid to help pay for college.
- We are still saving to replace our furnace and air conditioning. It is a struggle since I'm paying for chemo. It weighs heavily on Ted and I as its starting to get chilly out.
- We were blessed to purchase a work car for Ted. It is a Ford Focus. We name our cars and his is Faith Ann Focus....through faith in our Heavenly Father and his ability to do far more than we could ask we were able to purchase Faith Ann in late September so I could start chemo this month. Faith Ann Focus is named such to remind us that through faith and focus on our Heavenly Father all things are possible.
- In November we will open The Artroom again for creative classes. Both Dale and Emily have stepped up to lead classes in November to gift me time to rest and recoup after this round of chemo is done. We are working on a theme of "home for the holidays" in a series of creative projects that are suitable for gifting.
