Train Wreck

You are fearfully & wonderfully made- Psalm 139:14

We've all had those moments in time that are awesome and those that we are defeated.  This week finds me barreling down in defeat ready to crash and burn.  I feel like a "train wreck" that is going to inevitably happen.  I just don't know when.

I've been walking in faith & confidence with the Lord since my January diagnosis of ovarian cancer.  It was only stage one, one.  They caught it early on.  And, the grapefruit sized mass that burst as they were trying to get it out that had cancer cells?  Well, I've walked on faith and confidence that God was going to extinguish those cells.  In the past month I've found that I've got pre-cancerous cells in my intestines, probs with my bladder, and need another mammogram.  My insurance company won't cover some of my newbie meds I'm on....they changed their formulary. And, the cost of our insurance has doubled this spring. If  I'm honest most days I have times where I've got fear that runs through me. 

Last week & this one have been particularly rough.  I walked in faith and confidence when I told them at the Cancer Institute I couldn't pay the $150 for the mammogram but I could do it in two weeks. I cancelled last week's mammogram because I needed the money to pay for brakes on the jeep. I walked in faith and confidence when I looked at our bank account and realized that it was either the mortgage or my meds.  And, neither has been done.  I just can't seem to push the button on which to do.

This morning I don't feel great physically or spiritually.  I'm being trampled on.  And, I had this convo with God ; "You've got to see me through this. Every fiber of my being is screaming.  I don't have the time, money, or know how to make it all work.  I just want to feel better and walk in faith and confidence, Lord.  Why is it so hard?".  I was reminded of Psalm 139:14 "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". 

That caused me to sit back and cry even more.  Fear surrounds me and God is telling me how wonderful I am? Shoot, I've got fear of not making financial commitments.  Fear of not being able to afford to take care of my health.  Fear of not doing it all right.  Geez, Lord, I don't want to crash and burn.  I don't want to be reliant on others, I don't want to confide in others to bear my hurt, and I don't want to....and I stopped.  All those are the same don't want to's from last fall that I had, the same reservations. God seems to be laying on my heart to confide in others, ask for some help, and to cease  crying.  He wants me to walk in faith and confidence with others.

This week  I've had a person a day walk into my life that has been through cancer.  How weird is that?  They are strong, capable, and gave me some contacts to call.  They also told me to be my best advocate rather than my worst and challenged my walk in faith and confidence.  One of them told me, "I get walking with faith and confidence with the Lord. He designed you and I differently, Sherry, we've got cancer.  But we are smart and can be our best advocates and that is why you are walking this walk with God.  He wants you to fight, Sherry.  Make some calls, demand you get your meds, demand treatment, and tell them to bill you".

Ok, true confession.  I don't go around telling people I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I don't tell them about the grapefruit sized cyst that burst with cancer cells going all over my body. I don't say that my spring mammogram had small cysts that they are watching.  I don't say my insurance doubled this spring and I couldn't afford to go to the cancer doc or get blood draws this summer because of it.  I don't talk about it because I've relied simply on God to know.  My own fam doesn't know the fear that I've got or frustration. 

Yeah, I'm smart & capable of making some calls to try to push to get some help but I if I say the word cancer I've got to admit it's there. That's a hard one.  I'd like to think it is gone because the ovaries and small cysts are gone.  But then there was the large mass that burst with the cancer cells that float throughout my body.  That is a hard one and my challenge this week.  Instead of forget about it and go on I need to  make some calls and get the ball rolling.Find out how I can get some help to afford my meds & mammogram.  I want to be the Sherry that God designed as "fearfully & wonderfully made".  Not the "train wreck" that cries each morning once her fam leaves the house.  Not the "train wreck" that gives it up to God each morning and night and then goes on and does nothing to help herself.

I'm praying this week that you take on the "train wreck" in your own world.  Whether that is calling the bill that hasn't been paid, making a doctor's appointment, or handling a situation with a co-worker.  We've all got potential "train wrecks" in our world.  I believe that we walk in faith & confidence in the Lord .  Because of that he created each of us smart & capable.  We are able to make calls, talk to people, and handle things in our lives that aren't perfect.  It's not fun or easy but he created us capable. I want to be walking proof of that.  This week I encourage all of you to get out there and do that same. Let's be walking proof that we are "fearfully & wonderfully made".

Peace be with you - Sherry

**I'm asking each of you prayer for my faith and confidence in the Lord today as I start making calls.  Allow me to have composure and articulate what my needs are. Allow me to find people that can help or direct my path.  And, that I feel like I'm "fearfully & wonderfully made" at the end of the day rather than a "train wreck".  Know I will be praying the same over my readers.  Peace be with you. 

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

"The quality of strength lined with tenderness is an unbeatable combination". - Dr. Maya Angelou

 In my journal this week I kept coming back to "What have you done for me lately?" that I had written.  I'm a child of the 80's and love Janet Jackson!  Who back in the day didn't have a pair of big gold hoops with a key on one?  I sure did & recently bought a pair that reminded me of my old ones.

But, I digress.  That's not why I had wrote "What have you done for me lately?" in my journal.  It was meant as more of a statement than a question.  It was a reminder to me that each day needs to be spent in the Lord.  That I want my words, actions, and life to reflect my Savior.  And, that is a statement if I'm honest that haunts me.  Why?  Because I'm guilty.  I know what God is laying on my heart.  I feel compelled to do it.  And, then, well, I falter, I wait, I stop....because I don't have the courage to get out there and go. 

Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens to.  This past year the Lord has been heavy with what He wants of me.  I know in my heart that he didn't get me through some dark places in my life, protect me against myself, and bring me through cancer this year to let me go.  I know he doesn't like to see me flounder around with his gifts for me.  Let me explain it like this.  Have you ever felt in your head, heart, and soul that you should do something.

That is where I've been this fall.  My spirit is screaming "take your heart, mind, and spirit and go!". What am I doing?  Feels like saving all my time, energy, and attention for a rainy day. I hear my mind race "you can't" & feel my heart saying "you are gonna be heartbroken" and so I've faltered God. I had a pity party for myself and I was a great hostess.  I thought about how our health insurance doubled this summer, my meds aren't in the formula for prescriptions, and how hard it is for me to make enough to do the co-pays for my cancer doc & to have a mammogram this week.  And, my whole being becomes pitying myself rather than glorifying God. 

God has no time for the pity pot.   God's saying to me "You have the courage, knowledge, and heart to do this because I've breathed it into ever fiber of who you are, Sherry, GO!".  And, like a reluctant child I said, "Ok, God whatcha got for me?".  While I've been waiting to decide what God wants from me  I took time to glorify him by : cleaning the counters & cabinets in the kitchen (he blessed me with a kitchen).  Then I made dinner for the fam this week rather than Ramen soup or frozen pizza(God blessed me with groceries now use 'em, Sherry).  I cleaned my workshop & artroom space because I was blessed with the tools, ability to know how to use them and some great friends & people that come to workshops in my creative space. And, then, I took the furchildren (our dogs) outside to our backyard and played fetch with them each morning, got water for them, and just sat and thanked God for the life I've got. 

This week I got a inbox from a gal pal on Facebook.  She wanted to let me know that the Lay Clergy had approved for me to do art classes for kids at the renovated Tucker hotel.  That means that I can take Creation Station & Mama Mia out on the road to help kids connect to art in my community.  That means I can use art to : Glorify God through teaching. Glorify God by offering a safe public space where kids can use their imaginations and feelings in a creative safe environment.  I can glorify God by teaching & be a mentor to the families that I serve. I don't doubt for an instant that the people I serve through this new endeavor will see the strength & tenderness that the Lord has filled my heart with.

I love that because I chose to get off the pity pot.  I chose to serve God here within my home and glorify Him through my actions to my family, pets, and friends that He built me up.  He has given each of us a "heart, mind, and spirit to GO!".  Will you hear his call? 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Flubber

"One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ⁶ The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God". Romans 14:5-6

Coming up with words that begin with "e": everlasting, ever, enlist, endurance, enduring, and so the list goes on.  I'm a wordy person...shoot, you read my blog, you know.  I also make code words for people or things that frustrate me.  This week's word "flubber".

Why? I've logged onto to social media this week and been bombarded with people sharing their views which I think is awesome.  I also see their wording becoming reckless, flippant, and brash and that makes my soul sad.  I was taken to Romans 14: 5-6 and thought of the Jews & Gentile Christians who were trying to decipher God's law.  Paul is trying to push both parties into a tolerance for one another.  So that they not only see one another respectfully but through brotherly love rather than letting their opinions become prejudice.  I know I really was thinking this week, right? 

I needed to take time to write an open letter to my family & friends and have an open conversation.  I want you to know that words do hurt.  They have strength, meaning, and empowerment at their best.  At their weakest they are brazen, lavish, and enlist hate rather than love.  That makes both my mind, soul, and heart break. 

I would challenge us not to be "flubber" in the world bouncing from one idea, issue, or complaint.  I think it's time to evaluate, define, and take worth in who we are and what God has created us to do. I did just that this week rather than get into a debate, criticism, or argument with people I love.  For years I've said I will agree to disagree with you but I love and care about you.  Know why?  Because God designed me with the soul purpose to love others, care for them, and see both sides of the coin.  He gave me the ability to know what I stand for and against.  What he didn't give me is the ability to cope with the bombardment of what I perceive as negativity in His name. 

I've been praying this week for God to help me with this.  You see I don't need your scorn I do that all by myself.  Know why?  God gave me a sense of right & wrong.  I know there are things from my past that weren't right but at the moment I did them.  And, I'm confidant that God forgave those things when I asked Him into my heart, soul, and mind as a believer.  That weight of guilt, hurt, and angst that I felt for years is gone....poof!  He sees me as the bright, capable, creative, and loved daughter...thank you God.

My challenge is to take the "flubber" that overwhelms me via social media and dump it.  Isn't that something? And, it's hard because "flubber" keeps bouncing back on FB. You hear the "bing" and you look....and if you are like me your heart aches.  You hear the tweet from Twitter and glance at it.  We all do and we see something that doesn't reflect God's love for his people.  C'mon, aren't we better at seeing love, care, and concern? 

Since I'm a wordy gal here are some definitions:

Love: "an intense feeling of deep affection".  It went onto to say that "babies fill their parents with intense feelings of love".  Imagine that magnified & how God feels about each and every one of us?  That means all of us with no exclusions.

Care: "the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something".  I think that God sees care as that.  It is what He provides for each of irregardless of our present, past, or future....He cares.

Concern: "a matter of interest or importance to someone".  The one that we can lay out all our concerns, cares, and love to is God.  I sincerely believe he will take those and create something wonderfully unique in us that we can share to the world.

I've been praying this week how to talk about this with you.  How not to seem angry, flippant, or brash.  I asked God with my heart to let me not be reckless with my words so as to hurt someone.  And, to let me be brave, speak up, and bounce the "flubber" in my life into the can, beat the lid in, and put it into a special waste container.  I think that is how Professor Ned Brainard did it. 

I'm encouraging you to take the "flubber" you see from social media and look away, don't be distracted by it.   Instead, focus that time and give God the glory for what he's doing in your life. Then share the love & support that you've been given by God & be a gift to others.  Help your neighbor roll in their trash cans, make dinner for a friend, or pray over someone.  I know this season of my life those are the smalls that I'm going to do to glorify God.  Imagine if we made a movement of "God Glory Flubber".  Let's see what we can do!

Peace be with you-Sherry

Straight Arrow

The LORD has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.  Psalm 118:24

Ever feel like telling the world to stick it where the sun don't shine?  Yeah, I've had one of those moments this morning .  I feel frustrated, at a loss to describe myself, and I just want to scream and not in a rejoicing sort of way.

What's got me so glum chum?  I found out this morning that a friend of mine passed away.  He suffered a stroke about two weeks ago. His fam, friends, and college chums had all being praying for God's healing hands to be at work on him.  He has two girls that are around Em's age.  He was soft spoken but had a smile that would light up the room.  When you were around him you felt a sense of calm and peace.  That is why I'm glum.  One of the peaceful souls I knew left this world this morning.

I went to the workshop to saw boards.  That's my way of coping when things bother me I saw wood....lol. I sawing away I started to think about a design in my journal for an arrow.  I nabbed my journal and then cut the boards so they would be similar to my drawings.  I then got out the drill and attached the boards and sure enough there was an arrow. 

That got me thinking of how arrows are straight.  You are referred to as a "straight arrow" when you speak the truth and allow others insight to your world.  Have you seen the road signs with the bent arrows that tell you that there is gonna be a curve in the road?  And, what about the saying that you "dodged an arrow".  I know corny but it means that you survived your circumstances and came out ok. 

If I'm to take all this arrow talk to heart I would see that I'm not phony and have merit in all my words and actions.  I would thank God for the ability to curve when I wanted to go straight.  And, yes, I've survived this long and see that God isn't done with me. 

I've told him that he has to take over today because I really need time to just be a "feeler" today. What's that mean?  It comes from years ago when I taught.  One of the teachers said that there were two kinds of teachers in the world "thinkers" & "feelers".  She then proclaimed I was a "thinker" who didn't let her emotions show and she loved the control I had over them.  She on the other hand would cry at the drop of a hat.

Since that convo I've tried hard to come out of that "thinker" shell of mine.  I pester my pals about how their week is going, listen as they struggle, and pray over each of them.  Today, one of those pals is gone.  I'm taking a "feeler" day.  That means I'm free to pray, cry, and whine all I want for the day.  I've got faith and confidence that tomorrow will be better and I'll be back to my "thinker" ways but for today let the "feeler" in me flow. And, later today, I'm going to take time to "rejoice" to God that he put my pal in my life.  That He blessed me through knowing him, and that God has another fab peep with him today. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Treasure Seekers Wanted

Luke 12:15 – “And he said to them, ‘take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions".

If you've ever met me you know I love to treasure hunt.  Where? In thrift shops, garage sales, etc.  I've got an eclectic taste in the things that I buy.  I love taking things that were once thought used, trash, or unnecessary and making them into treasures that people love.  It's a great way to earn a little extra cash & let me creative spirit flow.  That creativity helps get me through some rough times and great ones too.  It is a blessing from God to have it at my inner core.

This past week I had a gal pal come hang out.  She asked me where I found the energy to do things, the inspiration, and how I was.  I told her it was all God.  He is the one that challenges me to do more than I think I can. I told her that I've learned to take the challenges and things that scare me and run with them when I keep feeling that it is something that I need to do.  I also shared with her about my health and why I feel time is precious & not to be taken for granted. 

Earlier this year I had my ovaries, some small masses, and a large one taken out.  The large mass burst as they were trying to get it out but the other small masses and ovaries came out.  They found I had stage one : one cancer.  My doctor's concern was over the large mass that burst during the surgery because the cancer cells were now loose in my body.  That is why it's imperative for me to go get blood drawn monthly, check in with the cancer doc, and report anything that seems different.

I had been doing well with this but in May our health insurance doubled in cost because of my health.  We've been trying to get a grasp of re-working our finances and trying to figure out a way that I can still do my monthly checks.  I also had a colonoscopy that showed that I had precancerous cysts and polyps in my intestines.  About a month ago I started to have cramping and feel achy.  That was followed by bleeding when I went to the bathroom. 

Last Friday I went back to the cancer doc, got my blood drawn, and did an ultrasound and MRI. She reassured me that the bleeding and cysts can be treated but they wanted my to have another mammogram.  In the spring my mammogram showed some smallish cysts that they were going to watch.  They want to ensure those haven't gotten larger before they decide on a treatment plan.  I was humiliated as I walked to the mammogram and got told I had a co-pay of $150.  I didn't have it. Instead, I made an appointment for the mammogram in a couple of weeks and walked out with faith and confidence that God would allow me to earn enough to pay for it. 

I'm not sharing this with you for sympathy or help.  I'm sharing it with you as a testimony of what you can do when you know God walks before, behind, and beside you.  You walk in faith and confidence in all you do.  You aren't defeated but challenged.  Challenged to listen to God and rise up and do what he says. 

I forgot that challenge this week because I was trying to decide how I could earn the $150 for the mammogram.  And, how I could earn a $80 for another doctor's appointment.  I got lost.  It happens, people.  We get so intent and focused on the material things in our world like cash or treasures that we forget the "real treasure".

I got reminded of the "real treasure" on Tuesday night as I held a Mama Mia class in the art room.  There were a group of 14 moms with kids in the art room, painting, laughing, helping one another and bonding.  I looked around and thought who needs my help and heard go sit down.  I just finished upholstering a beauty parlor chair this week and it was pumped up so I could sit high.  I sat in it and looked around and saw the "real treasure" that God put in my life.  He gave me an art room with supplies to share.  He gave me friends that support my creativity by bringing their kids to the art room for classes & asking others to come.  He allows me to sit back and think "wow, this is good" and give him some praise for what he's provided...it's truly so much more that I could have dreamed.

All that being said I would ask you to question your intent.  Ponder where you heart lies.  And then leave all those material things behind...yeah, I'm just guessing most of your work, focus, and intent is on the material worth.  I know mine goes there daily.  Your challenge like mine is to : take a deep breathe & say" I walk with faith and confidence because God is with me".  And, then let Him go to work.

Peace be with you- Sherry