Isaiah 58:8 says "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard".
Last Monday we were at MU for brain mapping tests for Emily, my darling dot. That morning I woke up with the word "bait" on my brain and the words "don't take the bait". I knew God was up to something. I had only slept for 45 minutes the night before. I closed my eyes in the car ride there and saw myself in the middle of two dogs at a dog fight. I was literally being the "bait" to get them ready to fight. Not having enough sleep can do weird things to your mind, right?
It would have been spectacular that morning at MU when they called Emily's name if a light from Heaven made a spotlight on my daughter. That we would know that she was healed and just left the hospital. Instead, I had to hug my daughter and pray over her before the nurse took her. I had to trust God that he was both my Daddy and my daughters too.
I stood there at the hospital wishing for the beautiful spotlight moment. I cried silently. Due to Covid 19 I had to get special permission to go in the hospital with Emily to drop her off. Ted, my husband had to wait in the car rather than be with us. I stood there and couldn't decide to sit in the waiting room alone or go to the car. Emily wouldn't be done until the afternoon. I walked to the elevator because I couldn't do this alone and needed Ted.
As I pushed the elevator button I heard the words "you always choose him before your kids". That is BS leave me alone Satan. The enemy continued his assault until I was running out of the hospital to the car. I felt like I was a little kid being picked on by the bully on the playground. The bully came to play and to silence me.
I sat in the car crying. I didn't refute his taunts because they came fast and were menacing. I couldn't think because his insults flooded my mind and pierced my heart. Instead of trusting God I sobbed because the playground bully's words were mean and hurt me. Like the kid that had been beat up I cried. I cried at each accusation because there was some truth in it...or was there?
Did I choose my husband over my daughter ? It certainly felt like it. I was sitting next to Ted rather than sitting in the waiting room. Ted saw I was sad and drove to Starbucks to get me a tea. I sobbed more. He told me that Emily was going to be ok and that God had her. God had led us to MU. I sobbed more and then told him what was going on. I told him that I couldn't make it stop. Ted prayed for me in the car.
My phone beeped. Emily sent a text that her bra strap had broke. I told Ted let's go to Target. It would give me something to do that would help Emily. Plus, who doesn't like a little retail therapy? Masked up I went in while Ted parked the car. I got what I went for. Then the accusations began to fly in my mind again "instead of being with your daughter you chose Target". The tears came back.
It hit me hard. It reminded me of the same accusations that flowed when Emily was a baby. It took me back. It held me captive. All the doubts of a new mom. The inability to navigate motherhood and work as a teacher. The accusations that I choose other kids over my own. Ohh, the enemy ramped it up as I left Target. I got back to the car and cried for being selfish. I should have sat in the waiting room. Ted should have sat in the car in the parking garage. I told Ted and again he prayed over his wife.
Ted suggested going to lunch before he took me back to the hospital. I sobbed on the way to Panera. Sobbing for being selfish and going to eat. I went to the bathroom at Panera and heard the words "bait" again. It felt like someone was shouting at me "DON'T TAKE THE BAIT".
In the Panera bathroom I shouted back "Satan leave me alone today you have no power here. My Daddy is bigger and badder than you. My brother died for my sins. Jesus help me". Jesus came like a big brother to take on the bully live in the Panera bathroom. As I washed my hands I felt the dog fight scene happening again. Instead, of in the middle as "bait" I was on the sidelines washing my hands while the big dog, Jesus, took on the fight.
I left the Panera bathroom with a smile behind my mask. Jesus showed up and showed off. I had nothing to feel guilty about. I knew at that moment that I was a good mom and wife but more importantly that I was God's beloved daughter.
It's taken me a week to write about the experience. I've fought that people will think I'm wacky. I prayed about what people will think...and hear the words "will you take the bait?" Will you choose to take the bait or be used as bait? No, I'll write about it because I'm not the only one.
When I felt like I was choosing my husband over my daughter I could have ; refuted Satan and told him to step off and asked Jesus to step in. I chose to sob. I could have got in the car and yelled at my husband. I chose to sob.
How many times do we choose to sob? How many times do we not choose our words wisely and sound like an accuser rather than light bearer? What about lying down and taking it rather than standing in the light and rallying in Christ Jesus name? I know its hard, friends. I know the world is scary, tough, and people don't like you. I also know you are claimed by a Heavenly Daddy who created you wonderfully, beautifully splendid for times such as these. We have a choice.
We have a choice once we chose Jesus. On life's playground filled with bullies that mock who we are. Jesus is there because he knows you. The playground where no one wants to play with you. Jesus is there hoping you'll see him. When you share your heart or experiences Jesus is there. There is power in his name. It puts the spotlight on Jesus and what He can and will do.
Each of us has a choice to make. Will you take the bait? Or choose to be victorious? Victorious has a nice ring. Victory is Jesus, friends. Victory makes us a winner before we do anything. Jesus allows each of us to have the win. He allows us to stand tall, be brave, and anticipate the best. I'm hopeful that you won't take the bait.
Peace be with you- Sherry
Updates;
- We go back to MU on August 10th for a meeting with the surgical team. They will give us info about Emily's brain mapping and set a date for surgery.
- We have to move Dale back to Northwest by August 19.
- Emily's birthday is on August 5th. I would love for her to be showered with cards, notes of encouragement, and a gift or two if you would like. Please message me for our address.
