Many of you know me personally or professionally. I've been graced by your wonderful spirits at different times of my life and for that I'm grateful. I hope that all my craziness in DIY, with my family and faith have made you giggle, inspire you, or just re-affirm that your not alone. I realize that at this point in my adventure that I need to talk about something very personal to me and that is what my newbie blog is about for today. Now, will there be other blogs on DIY, my family, and faith....yup, yup, and yes. But for today I want to invite you into my world and let you know that I'm blessed to have you be a part of it.
This past weekend I went with a group of gal pals from church to DFL (Designed For Life" Women's Conference in Springfield, Missouri. I literally had an ahhh-haaaa moment as I stood with sisters in faith. I like to think that I'm a : follower of Christ, wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend in the world. But I realized early on that I was designed for so much more if I would just give "God" a chance to work within me. Really?? I mean I'm 44 years old, raised Lutheran, and have known God throughout my life. But the stark reality is that I didn't really ever come to peace that God is God and would forgive and love me.....others, my children, family, my students when I taught, and everyone else...sure, no worries. But I didn't realize that God's grace was there for me too.
I think throughout my life I knew who God was. I attended church and Sunday School. My mom took a kicking and screaming teenager to Confirmation Class on Wednesday nights (geez, that was Facts of Life night on tv). My mom would daily affirm me with "You are designed for greatness, Sherry, God has a plan for you. Before I even knew there would be a Sherry, God knew and He loved you for all the things that you are. You need to learn to accept that and let God be God". Well, long story short, there have been plenty of times that I've been able to do just that and even relished in the fact that I didn't have to solve the trouble, change, or turmoil in my world that God could just do it for me. That is if I had faith, was able to listen, and without my own know how or ability allowed God to be God. Wowsies, that is a lot to ask of a girl. But, yes, there have been times when I've been graced with the ability to close out all my understanding and allow God to be God.
But like many others then that season of change or turmoil closes and I was left to the day to day. I've felt that God had bigger issues to deal with rather than my life. Check the news and you see the wars, health issues, and craziness of the world and my small life fails to compare. So, I pray daily for my family, friends, and different aspects of the world as they are placed in my heart. I try to work within my community to make a difference by volunteering and being willing to serve. I like to think that I'm accountable to those around me and can make a small difference in their world because I have God's grace to back me up.
In reality, last spring and fall I went through a series of doctor's visits because of my health. I found out that I've got the cancer gene, I've got several masses on my ovaries, and that I'm totally unprepared to take the next step to figure out what is going on. I even went to a cancer counselor who helped me see that I've got every reason to be scared (my mom's cancer history as she battles on and off with cancer for 20 years, her sister has cancer, and my cousin has breast cancer.....not to mention my grandmothers, great aunts, etc ). She sent me to a genetics counselor that came up with my risk factor for cancer. 20% is considered high risk and I stand at 16.8%. Because of this my insurance company wouldn't pay to have the ovaries removed because I'm not a high enough risk. I got a letter from the insurance company in December of 2013 stating that they would pay for a biopsy of the masses and if they were cancerous they would pay for their removal. If they weren't cancerous I would be left to figure out what to do. Ahhh, heartbreaking to say the least and I thought I heard God say to me "Work through the pain you feel it is nothing compared to the pain you've caused to others in the world. And only a taste of what you will get in the end".....wowsies, does that seem nutty or what? But it's the truth, I thought I needed to just deal with the pain, stop pushing for surgery, and deal with what God gave me.
Why? Because of my past and how I was raised. I was raised Lutheran and went to Confirmation class as a teen. During one point in Confirmation class I recall talking about eternal damnation. There were certain sins that God hates above others. If we come to Him after committing these sins knowing that they are among those God dearly detests and ask for forgiveness He won't forgive you. Why? Because you are a Christian and you know His laws. Those cries for forgiveness fall on deaf ears and we are settled into the fact that we are eternally damned. That is how I felt to be honest with you as I read through that letter in December. I thought, "Sherry, you know what you've done in you life and this is God's way of giving you a taste of what you deserve.....you deserve to suffer".
This spring I had an awakening moment at church. Our pastor was talking about the Pharisees, Sadduccees, etc. and how they "rules" and ideas when it came to right and wrong weren't what God intended. And how we as God's people still flock around the ideas that aren't God's but mans. Wowsies, it started my mind working on my own life and what it had become. What if it was untrue that God was out to smite me? What if the real fact was that God's grace was enough to cover everything from my past, present, and future. Could that really be? And if so why me? I thought, "Sure, God, go ahead and bless and forgive everyone else but you know who Sherry is and what she's done. She knew there are certain sins that you hate more than others and yet she played with fire. Isn't the daily physical and emotional pain she feels your way to make it right for those sins?".
This is where my journey begins. I realized through prayer that maybe I was wrong about what I thought. That maybe those were just man's take on God's laws and judgment. And, you know what? It rocked my world? I'd like to say that I gave it all up to God this spring and had an awakening but nope. Not me.....I am the little red hen, you know. Instead, I let it brew around my mind and spirit. This summer while my daughter was home and I thought of planning the biopsy so I would have her, my son, and hubby home to support me I let it go. Instead, I continued to work creatively, which I love to do. My kids and I were at the shop where I work this summer and I had worked on a painting project and literally the cramping and pain that I had was overpowering. I couldn't even walk. My son nabbed a chair and he and his sister helped me to sit down. When I sat I started to cry and yell "It's not fair! This is my time! And it's all being taken away!!". I can say at that point I was angry, mad, and furious with God and myself. How could God let me work creatively like I had always dreamed and then take it all away? And on top of it make my kids see their mom be weak? Really, God, really? And for days this summer I felt like God was mocking me to see what I would do, where I would turn next, and how I would handle it.
What I found in July was God's grace.....I wouldn't have called it that at the time but I see it for what it is now. We had moving and shaking going on at our church and I felt confident to step up to help in Children's Ministries for VBS. My son and I wrote the drama skits with my daughter and hubby for VBS. We got together as a family and prayed that all we could do was for God's glory and would lead each person involved in the skit, VBS, or was there to hear it to God. I was also able to serve as the Missions Leader where we shared about three projects that families and kids can do within the community and world to make a difference. I think God's graced me with the ability to write the scripts with my family and plan the missions portion to bring me back to Him. To show me that He doesn't forget you and He ultimately forgives you when you come to Him.
This fall has been hectic with moving my daughter back to college and having my son start high school. Wowsies, I'm really not a mom of small kids anymore. Daily I've felt the prompting to call the doctor's office and make an appointment and get the ball rolling. But I've refused to do.....I'm busy helping with Em's financial aid disaster (yeah, it really was), helping a friend who lost her mom to cancer, being there for friends that just need someone to talk to and pray with them. And, so, I worked on creatively and then about a month ago things started to fall apart again. I cramp daily, throw up more, I can't lift or carry groceries in or sometimes even pick up our small dog. There are some days and nights that I'm in so much pain that I can't walk and my hubby or son have to help me get upstairs to the bathroom or to lay down. And that's not the worst part . The worst is is that I've tried to work through the pain. I hear in my head, "Suck it up", "You deserve the pain now get on with it", and "Failure". That is the worst part.
This past weekend I did something that was totally selfish and even decadent for a gal like me. I went away for the weekend with gal pals from my church. I cried the night before I left because "They are all so much nicer, kinder, and better girls than I am. They aren't going to want to be around me" and the dreaded thought of "what if they really knew what I face daily" came into mind. As I blubbered to my hubby about it he told me "You need to go to DFL and if you don't you need to figure out where to go for the weekend. You've got to get it together, Sherry. We love you and are here for you but you are a mess". Yup, I was, because I was being an "ugly crier"....you know like described in the movie, Bridesmaids?? That was me.
Thursday morning rolled around and I finished my packing. Yeah, after my "ugly cry" I brushed my teeth and went to bed because I was cramping. I got to the church and asked a friend to park my car in the back with the keys for my family to nab.....why? I was cramping so bad that I thought if I go and park it in the back of the church and have to walk up the steps I'm done for the day. So, yes, God graced me to ask for help.....not something that comes easily to a little red hen. God graced me again by rooming me with three gals that I didn't know. When I whined about that to the hubby he said, "Think back to your Sigma days in college and how they always had you work with the pledges".....yeah, but I''m about as far from a "God trainer" as you could get at this point in my life. What I really needed is a "God trainer" for myself. But each of the gals were awesome, friendly, and loved God. I could sense we were all at different seasons of our lives but our common bond was Chirst. And, yes, I think right now, we could be the future cast for "Bridesmaids the DFL edition".....that's just the working title in my head.
Ahh, back to needing a "God Trainer". Well, the speakers at DFL were just that! I was raised a Lutheran and to be reserved in church. When we started going to our church I told them this and that I could either sing or clap but not together. It's still the truth. But with each speaker I found myself hearing "God's grace is enough, Sherry, God's grace is enough". And, I would start to cry a little and stop myself.....Heaven forbid the little red hen cry and among other Christian gals that are praising God. Nope, don't want to get all emotional and showy....uggh. Well, God wasn't done with me and even on the second day when I left early to go back to the hotel and rest since my cramps were horrible did He stop coming after my heart. I literally could hear His presence in my mind and spirit and it was encompassing me......drowning out all the noise that I have in my mind, all the pain (physically right now and emotionally). The clencher for me was Saturday morning I felt not only God but my Grandma Hout's prescence with me. She loved the Lord and had that "childlike" faith that we all try to attain as adults. Yup, she was creative, loved her family and friends, did mission work and loved the Lord with her whole heart and spirit. I thought of how she told me there was nothing I could do to separate me from God when I was growing up. I remember thinking to God on Saturday morning, "Ok, what do you want me to do?". And all I could think of was to get ready, pack up, and don't wear mascara.....how silly is that? I am a gal who loves, loves, loves me some make up! Geez, really, God? Well, He, was right. After entering the arena at DFL I felt a prescence overwhelming me, who I was, and all the things that I didn't do because it "wasn't appropriate" went out the window. I went and found a quiet place and prayed that morning. Then after the music portion I left, found a prayer card and filled it out. When I returned it I sat and talked with a prayer counselor at the event about all my worries about my health, my ability to pay for my daughter's college, and what if I couldn't work for a while. She just listened. God bless her and prayed with me. By the time I was done there I went back to the arena and sat with my group I could feel God saying "My grace is enough, Sherry". Then they broke into this hymn that my Grandma Hout used to sing and play on her record player. I just began to cry.....ahh, the time wasted, all the self doubts, worries, concerns, all of it slide down through those tears. Debbie Lindell was on the stage at that point and said "If you've had enough and are ready for some grace get down here".....eeek! What?? Did she just say "grace". That's the word God keeps placing on my heat. And, then the hymn continued and I got up, got through the gals in my row and I'm not sure what else.....all I know is that I was "ugly crying" it all the way to the front and being hugged by a complete stranger telling me that "I was enough" and "God's grace is enough" and I just lost it. I'm blessed that two of my gal pals came out from the crowd to form a circle around me and hug and pray with me.
I went home still physically in pain but all my hurt, anger, and excuses are gone. I told my family that I loved them and have worked on getting an appointment with my doctor for next week. I know that financially I can't even afford the co-pays to see the doctor let alone the co-pays for the biopsy or surgery. But what I do know is that God's grace is enough and He will take care of all of that. I know that when my mom told me "He's known you all along and has great plans for you"....that she was right. I just have to get over this physical hurdle in my life and then watch me and what I can do for God's glory.
