Eagle vs.Albatross

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:28-31

This month has me blessed with lots of ideas for blogging.  Things like ; hope, weariness, waiting, trusting, and being an albatross.  Is that diversity or what?  As I approached writing this week I was bogged down in how to incorporate all these things in a nice little bundle.  Here's my attempt.

This fall has been a windfall of ups & downs and learning that God will "supply" our family with what is necessary for us to withstand the hard times.  I've learned to be more faithful, praise filled, and diplomatic than I ever would have thought I could.  The thought "don't sweat the small stuff" comes to my mind daily and I give God thanks that I know he will handle both the smalls & larges.  I thank him that my large is truly his small.

Last month I started to grow tired and honestly weary.  I never knew the word exhausted until a few weeks ago and that describes me mind, body, and spirit. If I could spend each day in bed this week sleeping I think I could.  Instead, I think it is God's challenge in my life to complete each day to the best of my capabilities which means ; getting up, getting dressed, following through with the "smalls" for my home & family, and following up with my own health concerns.  It means trusting that God has blessed me with enough for the day in smarts, attitude, and will power.  Yes, will power, because I could easily just sit, mope, and do nothing but instead I get up & fight the good fight.  And, feel the small blessings in each day because of it.

The "albatross" in my life?  That would be some people that I love that don't see things for what I do.  They see me as their "albatross", their opponent, and scape goat.  Have you been there?  In a season where you are literally weary mind, body, and spirit and someone lays their own worries & guilt on you?  You become their "albatross".  I use "albatross" because I was an English major.  I remember the story of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" & kidding around with college friends that we were the "albatross" in certain situations. In this season in my life being considered the "albatross" is no joke to me.  I feel that weight each and every day since my diagnosis this past year.  I feel I'm a burden to my family & friends and wonder what in the world God is doing.  Isn't he a God that loves us?  Why in the world would he have me consider myself a burden and why would he allow people that I love to tell me that I am?

I was reminded of Isaiah 40:28-31 this weekend.  That God promises us that "we will soar on wings like eagles, renew our strength, and we won't just walk we will run".  Ohh, Heavenly Father, how can you expect me to run?  I go to the grocery store and literally have to sit down a couple of times while I just nab groceries?  I went for my mammogram, sonogram, and got my blood drawn last week and slept the rest of the day.  Am I becoming an albatross?  Simply weight on everyone's shoulders, Lord? Did my loved one that told me that really mean it?  How can I change it?

That's when I stopped in my tracks.  God didn't place me in this season to rely on what others say....he put me here to rely on Him.  They were right in that I move slower, am tired, and am not the "Sherry" that they need or want right now....but this is a season in their life as well where they are having to be self reliant & strengthen their faith.  Instead of thinking of this season or people as "albatross" I choose to think of it as a time of slowing down, learning to listen, and making wise choices after prayerful consideration.

Over the weekend I started a "list of 5" with my kids & for myself.  In the list are 5 small things that need to be done for the day.  Once you are done with the list you are free to do what you want as long as you have a willingness to help one another when asked.  It has turned into a remarkable way for my kiddos & I to re-connect, gives us time together, and time apart....it truly has started to renew my spirit.  Saturday the kids #5 on their lists was to go see Santa here in town.  I told them both I wanted to get a picture of them with Santa & Dale told me no that his list said "go see Santa" & he didn't want his picture taken.  I told him I was sure that I wrote "picture with Santa" & he pulled out his list of 5 from his pocket to show me I had wrote "go see Santa".  Well, he didn't get his picture taken but I took note to be very specific in that list of 5 with him from now on.

This week I would challenge you to complete a "list of 5".  My list today included: cooking dinner, picking out paint for the kid's bathroom from my stash, fixing a shutter so we can hang out dog leashes up, helping the kids paint the accent walls in the living room, and baking cookies for a Christmas gift.  And, I've done 4 out of the five...maybe it's time to thank God I got 4 done & go rest.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

1. I went to my doctor's appointment this week and have a game plan.  The sonogram shows that I've got cysts in my intestines.  They need to be removed.  And, in order to try to prevent newbie cysts they put me on a two newbie meds.  They also are planning to remove the cysts in an outpatient surgery next month and they want to start radiation which scares me to death. I was blessed to talk with my cancer counselor this week to talk out my fears, cry, and then go home to try to be "swim" for my kids & hubby because it's Christmas this week, right.

2. I will need help in January beyond prayers as I get the cysts removed and come to grips with starting radiation.  Here's what I need:

•  Someone to pick up Dale after school & bring him home.  If you are willing to do this let me know. 
• Someone to pick up Emily after her classes out at Longview Monday through Thursdays.  

 3. Pray over Emily.  She just finished her finals & is gearing up for next semester at Longview where she is taking anatomy & physiology.   She has to take the TEAS test to be admitted to the nursing program this semester.   She has test anxiety and so this is gonna be a challenge for her.  She needs a set of flashcards to study for the exam & a study guide for it.  If you have either of those or would be willing to help her get them let us know.  That would bless her world.






 

Gross Grace

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed; 2 Corinthians 9:8

Ever read a verse and it has you thanking God for that moment you found it?  And, feeling free?

I'm right there this morning as I brew tea and pray over the nausea that is my life right now.  I was blessed to get the meds that I need last month but wowsies they make me feel really gross.  Although, I was thankful for resting last weekend I'm still super tired. My topper this week was looking around my home and seeing that I really needed to deep clean it & trying.  That left me with a huge pain on my left side that made me cry.

If I'm honest my old pal doubt comes in to let me know I'm not alone.....I've got doubt.  Doubts that I will ever feel like Sherry again.  Doubts that the meds aren't working....and I'm just sick from them as the world's sick joke on me?  Doubts about resting & sleeping this past week....everyone is just gonna think I'm lazy.  Doubts that I can't even be a mom, wife, or friend that my fam & friends deserve, need, and value....all they get is the girl that cancels stuff because she doesn't feel good, throws up, or cries.  Doubts that I'm doing the right thing in my life with the artroom and why don't I just go back to the classroom or sub....wouldn't that make more sense?  

This morning I ready for 2 Corinthians 9:8 and came up for air in my doubt ridden week. 
"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed"....why does that mean so much this morning?  Because it stops my friend "doubt" dead in its tracks.  It allows me to know that my life is not perfect and God knows it.  What it promises is:

1. God's grace will abound to you : that means He isn't leaving anytime soon and is sending reinforcements to my life daily.  That means the friends that message me....you are my grace from God.  The gal pals that insist that me being late is no worry just come along ....you are my grace from God.  My son who swept throughout our house this week....you are my grace from God.  My sweet Emily who comes home from finals & nannying to do laundry....you are my grace from God.  And, Tedster, for commuting to Kansas to work to ensure we can pay for our home, utilities, etc....you are my grace from God.  

2. Always having all sufficiency in everything:  that means being blessed to open the artroom up a couple of days this week after resting.  Making enough in the "tip jar" to send my son with lunch money and putting gas in the car.  It means looking at my messy house and taking a deep breath and knowing it is not a lifetime of "messy house" it is just a season.  It is me making phone calls this week to get appointments to my cancer doc for next week to see what I need to do next.  It is thanking God for each of these things.  Having a perspective that doesn't see doubt or failure but the "win" in the smalls. 

3. You may have an abundance for every good deed: I'm praying on this one this morning.  I'm praying that God will let my "little red hen" spirit be ok with resting and taking time for me.  I'm praying God will allow me to ask for what is needed right now....rather than wait, be filled will with doubt, or let fear creep into my life.  

All that from one verse.  I'm truly thankful this morning for 2 Corinthians 9:8.  I've got a list of "Great Smalls" that our family & I need right now. If you are able to help let me know and if you can pray for us in this season that would be remarkable.  I've learned to ask and so this is what I need help with.

The Great Smalls List : 

1. We need the oil changed in both the subaru and bravada.  I'm going to go the my cancer doc down in KC next week, get a mammogram, and also see my cancer counselor.  My cars are my way to get me there.  They are "oldish" like me & need the oil changed badly.  My bravada also needs to be tuned up....if you can do that I would love it!  

2. We've got missing shingles on our house.  I need someone to come and put shingles back on for us.  I've got the shingles and nails.  I need someone brave enough to take on this task.  

3. I've got a couple of things that I need to nab for Emily & Dale for Christmas.  If I'm honest I'm tired most days and just want to rest rather than shop.  I need to get them each a pillow to sleep on & an egg crate for their bed.  If you would like to nab those when you are out let me know.

4. I use "stress relief" lotion from Bath and Body work each day.  This week I ran out.  If you can nab a bottle for me that would be awesome. 

5. My birthday is next Wednesday. Each year for my birthday I go and help with Angel Tree here in Pleasant Hill.  Pray that I will be able to rest and feel like "Sherry" so I can help with the Angel Tree to wrap presents and distribute them next week.  

May you find the comfort in the "smalls" of life.  May you see those gross moments that you have a "gross grace" from God and keep going.  He's with you each "gross" or fab step of the way.

Peace be with you- Sherry

  

Expert Knitter

As long as my soul is inside me, I thank You, my God and God of my fathers, master of all creations, creator of all souls. 

Blessed is a word that I use regularly.  I genuinely believe in this world that I am blessed because I'm a gal after God's heart.  What could be better than that?  Well, this morning I have to admit that my heart hurts.  Why?  Let me share.

Today as I was dropping Dale off at the high school part of the parking lot was blocked off.  I slowed down to see what was going on and Dale said, "ohh, that's right it's grandparents day today".  He told me that he was going to ask one of our friends to go and be his grandparent but thought she might have something better to do.  He then told me,"I think Sandy is an awesome choice for a grandma because she's not a crazy lady and I actually can talk to her".  My heart gave thanks for having Sandy in our lives and it mourned that both Dale & Emily don't have grandmothers in their lives....they just adopt out.

When you've had a great relationship with a grandparent or a special bond you want that for your kids too.  Emily was blessed to have my mom to bond with when she was younger.  My heart break is that my mom isn't the ever present grandma.  She has health problems and trouble with her memory.  The last time Emily called her grandma she didn't know who she was or me either.  That is just a heartbreaker in itself.  Dale never really got to know my mom well which makes me sad.  He doesn't see the snappy, smart, articulate, compassionate woman that raised me he just sees her as someone that may or may not know him.

Just writing this blog makes my heart sing rather than mourn my son's words this morning.  I hear, "Sandy is an awesome grandma.....because I can talk to her". Thank you heavenly father for blessing my son with a lady that he loves like a grandma and knows he can talk to.  Thank you Lord for all the people that bless our lives daily, for a season, or for a lifetime.  You truly have expertise in knitting us together.
 

Peace be with you -Sherry

Potty Mouth Slayer

"You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say"- Martin Luther.

A few years ago I overheard Dale, my son, as he was playing a video game with a friend.  And, then I heard it....let's just say an unmentionable word come out of my son's mouth.  I waited, listened more, yeah, I'm sneaky like that, on the chance I hadn't heard it.  But then again it popped out and this time I was going to confront it head on.  As I talked with Dale he told me where he heard the word and called his mama out.  He called me a "potty mouth sayer".  Ohh, kids!  They also make you have to think, right?  As I told a gal pal about it she suggested that I go back to Dale and tell that it was true that I was a "potty mouth sayer" but I was going change and become the "potty mouth slayer" starting with him.  And, you know what it worked for both Dale & I.

I came across this quote from Martin Luther this week and have been journaling every since.  It could be taken in so many ways in my life.  It's basis sounds a lot like what I've been saying around the house lately to my kids, "You talk the talk you walk the walk".  Meaning that it isn't always our words that we've got to have a grip on we also need to do what we say and follow through.

Follow through has been coming slow and steady for me since the past month.  I've been approved for insurance but my doctor's office wants the actual card in hand in order to make an appointment.  And, yes, I've been on the phone to see when the cards are coming, to talk to a cancer counselor on the phone to cry because of the sheer frustration and weariness I've got with my health.

I'm in a waiting game...ever had one of those? You are prepped, talked a good game, and ready to go and then something beyond your control stalls you from going onward.  For me that makes me question whether or not to go back to my cancer doc or find a new one.  It makes me think maybe I should go a homeopathic route since after about a month of being on my meds again they are literally making me feel sicker and I feel more tired than I've ever been.  Maybe if I just prayed enough and trusted God enough I wouldn't have gotten ovarian cancer, wouldn't have cysts in my intestines that keep coming back, and wouldn't have the problems I do.  Did I mention that I'm tired right now and getting whiny....sorry.

Well, this is what I think Martin Luther's words mean to me in this season.  It has nothing about walking the walking or talking the talk.  It has everything to do with finding serenity in the moment and thanking God for them.  It has everything to do with resting and finding solace in resting and not being "busy".  It has everything to do in me realizing the little girl with a smart mouth is still there but she's grown into a smart, capable and woman of integrity & honesty. Through my integrity and honesty I'm able to show God's love whether that be writing a blog, a message on FB, or finding solace in creativity in my artroom.  It's learning to be content that I don't have to "do" big things but the smalls really do matter. Ohh, wowsies....big sigh.

This weekend I'm hunkering down and going to be like a bear.....that means hibernating.  I desperately have needed to sleep this week and rest to re-charge. It means finding the joys in the smalls that I can do through my words & actions daily.  And, shining God's light even when I'm exhausted through my words and actions. Will you take the challenge of finding the small joys, re-charging, and radiating God's love via your words and actions?



Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• I was blessed to go help at my local food pantry this week.  It was remarkable to see the large volume of food available and distributed within my small town.  It give new meaning to the words "feed the need". 
• After a couple of weeks on my meds the nausea I experienced without them was nothing to compared to with them.  I know in my heart and mind I need to keep them up.  Pray that I gain  inner strength through this season of my life and knowledge that even on the worst of days God is by my side.
• Emily got to get her blood drawn at the KC Care Clinic this week and they are more than willing to send the results to her neurologist and work together in her care.  Pray that the results come and they are able to get her meds regulated so she stays seizure free.  
• My birthday is on December 16!  I would love to have some newbie stuff for the artroom to help me.  The two things that I would love is a 24 pack of water for the frig and a set of speakers for the computer in the artroom.  

  

Quiet Time

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes through Him.  Psalm 62:1

There were two things as a kid that I detested and still do.  My mom would tell me each day it was "quiet time" which meant no talking, humming, singing, etc.  I remember each day within minutes asking, "Mommy, is quiet time over?".  And, the other thing I detest is getting my face wet whether that means in the shower or getting dunked in a pool....strongly dislike it.

This season of my life I feel like the world is pouring over me and my family like waves in the ocean.  The things that I know like having honesty and integrity and loving the Lord don't seem to matter.  The waves literally left me submerged in the depths of an ocean of hurt and not knowing what to do.  I shared with a friend last week that there were things that it felt like the world was pushing me under the waves to lie, cheat, and live without the integrity that God gave me and my heart was breaking trying to be who God intended me to be.

On Tuesday of this week I literally was sunk.  Do you know the feeling?  Not being able to come up for air, being told no everywhere you turn and you feel like you are in a corner that you can't break free?  Your trust that you've got in God to meet your needs or "supply" is wavering and you feel forgotten and broke...yeah, that was Tuesday afternoon for me.  I literally wept because I didn't know how to to fix my heath, our lack of insurance, or meet our financial needs for meds that all of us need. I felt conflicted on what to do, who in our family do I prioritize and who gets left behind, and how God do I make worldly choices when my soul is not at peace with it.  How can I say I live in faith and confidence this day when all my phone calls were "no" to my requests. I had to pick Emily up from college early because she threw up & her head hurt from the fluorescent lights in her classroom.  I was in fear knowing that I couldn't afford Emily's seizure meds next week.  And, yes, I literally bleed when I went to the bathroom and felt sick.  That was my Tuesday and I wept.  I told God I knew he would meet our "supply" needs but how much further did I have to sink to have it done. 

Know what happened?  Wednesday.  Wednesday morning I got a call from the state to ask about the paperwork that I filled out for our family and the info they had from our family through the marketplace aka Obamacare.  At that moment I thought do I "lie" and make up a truth like the world is pushing me to do or stand my ground and hear her say "no".  I stood my ground and told her the truth.  I told her it was complicated and explained what had happened to us this year.  And, guess what?  She understood and said it made sense.  I told her we were literally sinking and didn't know where to turn and so anything we could fill out we tried.  She told me that Dale, my son, qualified for sure.  I told her thank you for that as my "win of the week".  I was grateful for that and I could wait until January for insurance.  She told me she heard the honesty in my words and I shouldn't have to wait until January and was going to talk to her supervisors and get back with me. 

Melinda, the case worker,  got back with me Wednesday morning.  She said it wasn't perfect but they would cover insurance for both Dale and I. She said once I was better to call her and let her know because we were in her prayers.  She said that she gets lots of applications, calls, etc but she could her the desperation and honesty in my words.  That is why she went to her supervisor and insurance for me was granted.  She told me "today it paid to be honest in the world".  After I got off the phone with her I cried and praised God who knew I had been dunked in the water on too many times.  He knew our family not only needed a "win" but I needed to be reassured about honesty and integrity. 

Thursday, I called, the pharmacy to get all six of my meds refilled.  I called my cancer doctor's office and made an appointment.  And, prayed over having courage to go get the mammogram asap.  I thought of Emily and how my daughter who has a seizure disorder is still without insurance and I wept and prayed over her.  Then, I saw the phone and thought this is the day I make some noise, don't take "no" for an answer and I get her meds.  We had applied for Vimpat her seizure med through the company and so I called.  They said that her application had been approved Monday and mailed out Tuesday.  They showed it should be at Emily's neurologist.  Yesterday, Emily & I trotted on into her neurologist and picked up six months of meds for her.  In dollars and cents it is $5,000 worth of meds.  Take a look at our "bragger pic" below...our God knows how to show off, right?

It's Friday and my "win" for today?  Well, my daughter got her hair cut by our friends that wanted to help.  And, Dale, gets his hair cut tomorrow.  Ted got signed up for insurance for he and Emily which will go in effect in January.  And, I don't feel like I'm going under the waves.  I'm actually on a ship with the wind in my sails. 

Our situation health wise still is unknown.  But God granted us with the tools and resources to meet our "supply" to be able to handle, confront, and meet them head on.  I'm I still sick....yeah.  Emily has seizures, and Ted is an insulin dependent diabetic.  Dale jokes that he is the best of the bunch...lol.  Do we still have stress...yeah.  Do I know that my God won't let me sink when I stand in the storm with honesty and integrity...yeah! 

I've been asked by people to make a list of things that they can do or help us with that are smalls.  I've got a list of Snider Smalls following this post.  If you would like to help with any of them that would be remarkable.   I walk with faith and confidence that God is gonna heal me physically & do great things through me & my family. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Snider Smalls :

1. Pray for Emily.  She takes her finals in a couple of weeks which will be stressful.  Pray for her protection and for God to cease all seizures from her.  This is huge, peeps.  I wouldn't have asked for you to pray that over her before this season in our life but it is with faith and confidence that I do.

2. Pray for courage for all of us as I go into a season of my life that scares that heck outta me.  I want to walk in faith and confidence that I will be healthy.  I want to walk in faith and confidence that I can what they tell me, take on that challenge, and go full force for the Lord. 

3. Here's the list for our family.  It's got stuff that we like, love, and need.  Ok, maybe it is more like "like" because we love & need just our Heavenly Father.

•  Dale : Loves to draw & sculpt. He adores homemade chicken noodle soup, fried chicken, and beef jerky.  He's saving for an x-box1 with his money from his boy's workshops since this summer.  If you would want to leave him a "tip" in the tip jar to help him that would be fab.  He is about $75 short of having enough for the gaming system.  If you would want to swing over with jerky, soup, or fried chicken you would have a fan in Dale.
•  Emily :    Loves the Lord and her family.  She would love some new knee high socks & new pillow to sleep on. She loves lemon zinger tea, apple cider, and diet Dr. Pepper or diet cherry Pepsi.  If you really want to treat Emily she would love some stuff from Bath & Body Works or something girly like a hairbrush, ponytail holders,or new jammies.
• Ted :   He worries about smalls all the time like gas in the tank to get to work and having enough Ramen in the jeep for lunches. He literally is the breadwinner in our home & he needs your prayers that God would uplift him and let him lead our family with strength and integrity.  Feel free to drop off a gas card or microwave lunch stuff for Tedster to help him.  
• Sherry : Pray for me that my courage that God gifted me with prevails through the doctor's appointments, tests, etc.  I love chai tea, chocolate carmels, and bread. I would love some new socks and a candle this year.  I usually light a candle each morning, pray, read scripture, and journal.   

 Thanks to each of you that have reached out to our family.  We appreciate you prayers, love, and strength that we've feel daily....and we pray that we are that same sense of strength, love for you & your family.

Relevance

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

This weekend Dale, my son, and his friend stirred up batter to make a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Although, I helped them to find some things I left the project up to the boys.  Yesterday, when they both were at the house after school.  I told them to get out the dough and I would bake some cookies for them.  Being the awesome mom I am I taste tested one after it came out of the oven and it was lacking something.  What could it be?  I took another bite and then went to ask the boys if they added brown sugar . 

The answer came from Dale, "No we put the regular sugar in.  I didn't add the brown sugar because I didn't think we had any . I didn't want to ask about the brown sugar and  have you start crying about how we don't have enough money for even brown sugar".  That hit me like a sucker punch.  Because my 15 year old sees the stress that I'm under.  He doesn't want to see his mom cry over petty things like brown sugar. That he isn't coming to me when he needs something... even small things like brown sugar for cookies.  That made me think.

How did my world get so warped that my son won't even bother me about brown sugar?  That caused me to sit back, think about what to say and pray.  Last night when things were winding down I took and talked to Dale one on one.  I told him that he could share anything with me and ask me for anything.  I shared with him that this year has been unique but I feel like God is moving mountains in our family's life and mine....but those mountains don't move easily and it is going to take time but I've got faith that God will supply what is needed. 

Dale confided to me that it literally hurts him to see what I'm facing this year, the challenges, the disappointments, and the hurts.  Did I mention that Dale is my kiddo that wears empathy on his heart like a medal of honor?  He is like me in so many ways but he hasn't ever been heartless, callous, or cruel.  He is quiet, kind, and resilient.  If I'm honest I just wanted to cry but I didn't.  I told Dale I thought we needed to pray about what is going on, how it affects us, and allow God to take care of the hurt, pain, or fear that we've got.  He told me he does and then challenged me if I do. 

Have you ever been spiritually called out by your kid?  I was.  I told him that each day once he, Emily, and his dad leave that I read my Bible, write down passages, thoughts, and feelings in a journal.  And, then I pray to God, release my angst about the day, hurts, and cares and let God supply me.  I realized what is lacking though at that very minute.  Dale doesn't see his mom do that. I generally am the one that leads our family talks at the dinner table, talks to him while being his "chauffeur" and prays with him about situations, people, and things.  What is lacking right now is his ability to see his mom come to her Lord and savior in prayer. 

I've been too concerned over trying to earn enough financially to pay for medical bills, insurance, and medications.  My soul focus has been trying to get our health care insurance back and making ends meet until it does.  I've made calls, filled out forms, got a cancer advocate, and prayed silently about what I saw as "relevance" in my world and my family's lives.

What I forgot is the definition of "relevance".  Relevant is defined in Webster's as: "bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand; pertinent".  What is pertinent or relevant in my book isn't the same for Dale, Emily, or Ted.  I've been spending so many hours and days being "relevant" in our battle with the insurance company that I forgot about the "matters in hand" like brown sugar and showing my kids my faith through prayer. 

This morning I got up and felt nausea and pain on my side.  I decided to rest in but I didn't stop being "relevant".  I prayed with Emily and over her about her chemistry test today and her safety on the road.  I took time with Dale and prayed over his heart that loves the Lord and empathy that could move mountains.  I told God that both Dale and I know He can move mountains and I asked in his name to remove that mountain that makes me disconnected.  

This week's message is something different for me.  I've always been a mama who knew her kids, what their needs were, and prayed with and over them.  This fall I've broken from that since I'm busy on the phone, physically feel ill, or justify it with they are older.  My challenge is to restore my relationship with my kids and my Lord.  I need to find the "relevant" issues for each day and pray about those with my kids.  I need to not let those "relevant" issues overwhlem me and rob my joy with my kids, Ted, and my family.  

This week I've challenged my kids to ask me "Is that relevant to right now?".  And, if it isn't something pertinent I've gotta let it go because otherwise it consumes my body, mind, and spirit. I refuse to let my son not ask for brown sugar for cookies because he doesn't want me to cry over not having it.  I'm learning I need to run this season of my life for myself, my kids, Ted, friends, and the blessings God puts in front of me daily.  I need to be grateful to God for this season and the ability to learn what "relevant" means. 

Here's a song that is my "jam" this fall....yeah, I pick one song each season that I like and that fits my life and call it "my jam"....lol.  It is something I've done since high school that has stayed with me through life.  My "jam" this season is Andrew McMahon & the Wildreness, "Swim".  Here's a link to it.  He wrote it during his battle with cancer but it is "relevant" to all of us.  It reminds us that when things are tough we need to "swim" rather than sink in the currents that life throws at us. 

Here's a link to a video of  Swim :  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZTsdKt6e74

 Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• This week we are blessed to afford another week of Emily's seizure med.
• This week I called my advocate to check in.  After I hung up I left all my angst to God and am gonna swim with what is "relevant" for my here and now.
• We are meeting to figure out health insurance today. Pray that our decisions are wise and decisive. 

What's So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?

"My God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19

I love Elvis Costello's song "Peace, Love, and Understanding".  The first time I heard that song I thought, "Yeah, what's so wrong with being a peace punk?  What's wrong with loving everyone irregardless of who or what they seem to be?  And, wouldn't the world be a whole Lotta better if we just took the higher ground with some understanding?".

I've been doing my Bread of Life cards each day and using them to write my thoughts & feeling, etc in my journal.  I came across Philippians 4:19.  I was instantly shuttled back to my peace punk phase growing up.  I read the devotion thought on the other side of the card which said, "That love that gives, not as the world but shares all it possesses with its loved co-heirs".  And, despite what has happened in my lifetime I stay steadfast to my peace punk way : love others, do the right thing, and reflect Christ in my life through my words and actions.

It sounds great, right?  But even I have a breaking point with people and situations.  I come into contact with people that are just "difficult".  They act less than God pleasing and seem to flourish in this world.  The "difficult" seem to say, act, and do as they please and God still blesses them beyond measure and they have no trepidation in their soul, heart, or mind.  The phrase "they just keep on keeping on" seems very fitting for "difficult" people.  And, I feel myself roll my eyes, sigh, and groan about them.

I read from Philippians 4:19 and it encourages my heart, brings peace of mind to me, and encourages me that God will "supply" for my needs and my family's needs.  I've seen that over the past few weeks with the Go Fund Me account I set up to meet our medical expenses until we can restore health insurance in January.  I feel it as friends check in on me, encourage me, and pray over my weary soul.

I hate to say it but I feel like I'm becoming a "difficult" person.  Why?  Because I'm a tired and weary soul.  I need an intervention of the heavenly kind. Ever feel that way?  That you are less than God intends and you need his intervention so you don't ever become a "difficult" person.  Well, here's what I did to consult my Heavenly Father.  

 I prayed yesterday that God not only brings me peace and love to my spirit and mind but to my body.  Each day I wake up achy with nausea.  I've got a painful cramp on my left side that literally takes my breath away when it comes. I don't know what to do and I feel like an ungrateful bitch most days.  Today, I surrendered it all to God and gave it all to him....not just my worries and fears but my physical pain that drains my joy.  My Heavenly Father will "supply all my need in your riches in the glory of Christ....supply me with rest physically.  Allow me to find the ability to rest.  Allow me to eat a dinner with my family without getting sick afterwards.  Allow me days without pain in my side.  I believe and know you can supply me with not just moments or hours but with days without pain and heal me.  Come supply my body, soul, and spirit with your healing.  I work daily to show my gratitude through sharing my blessing with my family, friends, community, and world.  Supply me so I can be like you".

This time in my life is one that I face challenges that aren't just about lack of health insurance, cancer, or family.  I face a challenge that I've got to come good with the Lord about what I do on his behalf daily.  Instead of talking about peace, love, and understanding I've got to show it.  I have to show it when I follow up with my cancer advocate this week instead of crying and feeling restless I need to be thankful to have an advocate.  Instead of leaning on my family and draining them I need to lean into the cancer counselor group that I got connected with.  They said I could call anytime night or day to talk and instead of harboring resentment with my family because they don't know what I need, want, or how I feel.  I need to access the counselors so I'm not a "difficult" person that even I would run from.

I know this blog is more for me....yeah, I'm selfish this week.  I guess that goes with being a "difficult person".  I want to share that yesterday my family worked to help me prep for this coming week.  I'm double booked this coming Saturday for two craft shows and literally have nothing to sell.  They worked to get wire on boards, make window tables, and let me make fabulous ugly Christmas sweaters.  They let me work alone in the artroom and even then I started crying and yelled at them to stop helping me I did want their resentment.  Emily came to me and made me sit down to talk with her.  She told me that lady that started yelling wasn't her mom, the one that hurts, throws up, and is crabby isn't her mom.  She sat and told me she and Dale love me and that is why they are trying to help me.  She confided that she would rather study for her Chem test on Tuesday and Dale would rather sleep in and play video games but they are there because they love me.  They understand I'm stressed and in pain but they want me to know they love me irregardless.  I then broke down, cried like a baby, and hugged her. 

Last night we were done with stuff around 4:30.  Em and Dale got me upstairs to rest because my head was pounding. Emily went and got me some advil & a coke to help with the headache.  And, then, I fell asleep for about 4 hours.  I got up for about 30 minutes and fell back to sleep around 9ish.  And, I slept until 7:30 this morning.  Why do I write about sleeping?  Remember, I prayed to God yesterday for rest...He came through.  I got up and made breakfast for my family and ate a little and didn't get sick!  Yeah, God came through.  Now, to spend the rest of the day resting...I feel like it is time. 

I'm hoping by sharing my "difficult" self to you that you see yourself in it.  We all are selfish and self centered at times and have the ability to become "difficult".  I would hope that you are able to see when you are turning into the "difficult" and pray for God to take that from you.  He designed each of us with joy that should shine through us even when life is hard.  He gave each of us understanding aka empathy and we need to use it daily on those "difficult" souls out there.  He loves us with unconditional love....let's try that on our families, friends, and the "difficult" souls out there.  And, what about peace?  Let's pray for God's peace to wash over us, allow us rest & calm so that we can shine for Him. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:
 

• We filled out paperwork over 3 weeks ago with the Vimpat company for Emily's meds.  We are praying we hear from them soon to see if they will cover the cost of her meds or we could get it at a reduced cost.  Pray the company approves this soon. God is good.
• Ted has insulin for a month from a friend.  And, we were able to afford his Metaformin for a month. We are waiting to hear from drug companies to see if he gets approved for his insulin and the other meds he needs for diabetes. God is good.
• I'm hoping to raise enough in funds from "Go Fund Me" weekly to meet Emily's needs for Vimapat and start to work on my meds. This week we were able to afford another week for Emily and one of my meds....God is good. 
• We meet this coming week to determine what type of health insurance to get.  It is open enrollment time we are asking you to pray that God guides our path so we get insurance that will supply for our family's needs. 

Lovin' Learning

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. -James 1:12

My word of the week is "learning" and I've been reflecting on what I'm "learning" in this season of my life. I feel like a weary soul traveler.  What's that look like?  Tired, worn, beaten up, and looking for a "win" in the day no matter how small....just a "win". 

I've been blessed to have a cancer advocate, Kenny.  He is working on our family's behalf with our former health insurance company.  He told me that each time they call me to refer them onto him.  I've been doing that literally each day for the past week.  The insurance company has called to offer me a "settlement".  They will reinstate our insurance for $2,200 and we won't have any better coverage than we did when it was dropped.  When I ask them about our appeal we wrote this spring when they raised the rate they can't confirm anything about it.  They simply want the $2,200.  I simply have given them Kenny's name and number.  And, still they call me each day.

This week I got a letter from them stating the terms of reinstating our insurance....basically paying the $2,200.  Within the letter they told me I had a pre-existing condition and that it would be very hard if not impossible for me to get insurance elsewhere. Now, here is where the word, "learning", came into place for me.  I learned the day after they dropped out insurance for the American Cancer Society that I could go to the "marketplace" aka Obamacare to get insurance in November to get insurance for our family.  I "learned" that my pre-existing condition wouldn't matter through the Obamacare program and my rates would be the same as others with our same income.  Without what I had "learned" I probably would have been brought to tears, have a wave of guilt wash over me about what I'm doing to my family, and self doubt would have been my advocate.  But, with what I've "learned" that big bad insurance company and their letter didn't scare me....it made me mad.  And, instead of calling them I called my advocate and sent him a copy of the letter. 

When I was in college I worked as a pharmacy technician.  I "learned" through that experience that you can purchase daily, weekly, or monthly amounts of medicine.  This has helped me when dealing with how to pay for my daughter, Emily's seizure meds.  Her meds are $800 a month.  And, last week she took her final dose on Saturday morning.  I promised her that I would figure out how to pay for her meds and told her not to worry about it....worry for her can cause a seizure.  I asked Ted to call pharmacies and get prices for one day, one week, two weeks, and for a month.  I then went to my Heavenly Father and prayed for our ability to figure out how to make it work.  On Sunday we were able to afford one week's worth of her meds ($174). 

This week is coming to a close and I don't have the $174 for her meds and my heart is breaking.  My friends have encouraged me to set up a "Go Fund Me" page to help us.  Just the thought of asking for help breaks my spirit and shakes my core.  I should be able to be the mom that my kids can rely on, the one that jumps at adversity and chases it off, and can make it work.  But, I'm not that kind of mom....I "learned" that this week.  I did "learn" what I know in my heart that I'm a mom that loves her kids and would sacrifice for them.  Know what I did?  I sacrificed my pride, stubbornness, and guilt and set up the "Go Fund Me" page to help pay for Emily's meds this morning.  Here's how you can find our "Go Fund Me" page : https://www.gofundme.com/snidermedical

As I thought of my sacrifice and how so badly I want a "win" I realized that I already have a "win" each day....it is the gift of my salvation through my Heavenly Father.  He made the ultimate sacrifice for me.  It made me realize that I needed to stop mocking God about talking about my sacrifices, complaints, and whines.  I dare to mock his sacrifice by comparing it to my own right now.  Uggh, there's a thought, peeps, am I right? 

Today, I need to find myself giving back to the Lord through praising Him for his ultimate sacrifice.  I need to take the gifts that he gave me : teaching, creativity, care, and empathy for others & invest those gifts and plant them into my family, friends, and community.  The time for me to "learn" that is here and now.  How about you?  Are you willing to stop mocking God about your sacrifices because you are comparing yours to his? There is no comparison....he will always trump yours 100 x 100.  His sacrifice gives us the hope & glory of eternal life and through that hope we are set free. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Fearfully Made Rant

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

How many times a day do you find yourself critiquing your value or worth?  Or is it something that comes so naturally that you would have to really think about it.  For years I've played off my worth, value, and compliments like they weren't real.  Part of that is in my humble nature & part of that is in how I was raised.  Worth and value came to my family came in the how much you earned or what you could do better than others.  Have you ever heard the song "Anything you can do I can do better?".....you've just got a glimpse into my family dynamic as a kid. 

As a teenager I had extra questions about my worth & value not just because all kids do but because I had an older brother that was an alcoholic and took things out on me when he was drunk.  On the best days when I got home from school he was passed out.  On the worst days I got ridiculed for believing I was smart, capable, and had any worth or value in the world.  He was determined to make me feel worthless like he probably felt at the time.

All those things from my past make up my dynamic.  Those are the things that make me question myself.  And, if someone throws a compliment my way for years I've downplayed it.  Just this last year I started to say thank you to the compliments and really absorb them.  Know what happened?  I felt a sense of calm wash over me with each of them.  Each compliment was a small reminder from God that I had worth, value, and was "fearfully & wonderfully made".  It reminded me of all the times I would be in tears as a kid & adult having my mother pray Psalm 139:14.  I think she was praying it would finally absorb into my brain and I would be the girl of grace, light, and beauty that God created.  And, more importantly, I would believe it.

This past weekend I went with some gal pals to the DFL women's conference.  Their theme" grace, light, and beauty".  I was thrilled to go because : last year I stopped believing while at DFL I was destined for damnation based on my younger self.  I wanted a chance to reconnect with the counselor from James River that has called and emailed each month through the past year to check on me, pray with me, and let me know God's got this when I feel like I'm failing.  And, the chance to worship God & seek his peace in this stormy season of my life. The best part was one of the gal's knew my heart and spirit was hurting and helped pay for me to go....thank you dear anonymous angel.

All of those things happened but I was able to re-think my definitions on the words "grace, beauty, and light".   I never would call myself graceful....shoot, my mom called me the bull in the china
cabinet most days as a kid because I was klutzy, active, and accident prone.  I've  always thought of grace in terms of what God grants me to deal with my day, situations, and life in my adult life.  Beauty isn't a word that I would use to define myself.  It makes me think of Miss America and I'm far from pageant ready most days. And the word "light" could either mean not a lot going on with work, a salad for lunch, and for sure not my weight.

Today I see that I have all three of those characteristics within me.  Grace through when times are touch or good in my ability to thank and praise God.  I've got grace enough to realize when I'm in over my head and give it over to my Heavenly Father to help me through.  Beauty is only skin deep, peeps, for reals.  Beauty is in the twinkle of my eye when I joke with my friends, my piggy snort laugh, and my ability to hunker down in this season of life to pray, praise, and give thanks daily. I left light for last because it is my fav. It is something that I prayed for each morning when I taught but didn't realize light was the term for it.  Light is me asking God to allow me to be the vessel through my words and actions so that his "light" shines through me. 

My highlight this week was being able to do the Mama Mia workshop using the Lay Clergy's building to reach my community for Christ with creativity.  Both Emily & Dale came and helped out and I was blessed with mamas & kids that came.  I had an older come by who later sent me a message to let me know she loved what she saw.  She said she would be praying for me because she saw God's love shine through me.....what did I say about "light"? Her message sent a wave of courage through me this week.

Peace be with you- Sherry

**This week with those three words in my arsenal I took to the phones.  I've got a cancer advocate as of this week.  They made some inquires to my insurance company for our family about the rate changes, dropping different meds from our policy, and dropping our insurance.  The advocate got back with me today to let me know they are willing to reinstate our policy for $2200.  He suggested that we hold tight and let him keep working them. 

**We also found out that the pharmacy cards we got don't work for all of our prescriptions.....only certain ones from certain drug companies. We are trying to file paperwork with the drug companies so Ted can get his diabetic meds & Emily can stay on her seizure med. 

**The topper of this week is that I've had nausea, bloody stools, and vomiting. I've got to walk in faith and confidence that God is going to see me through.  My gal pals have suggested I set up a Go Fund Me account and explain what is going on.  Just the thought of it feels my heart with dread and I feel hopeless. I feel inside that I should be able to take care of my family, myself, etc. and not to ask others to do it....it leaves me broken hearted to say the least.  So, pray for God to bring me discernment on the Go Fund me thing.

**I'm reaching out and asking for help with this one:  I made a little library for my yard. I need help digging in the front yard & getting it mounted.  If you or someone you know would like to help me I would love it! 

Leverage

Romans 8:37-39 - No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

How do we find rest during a season of change? If you are looking for answers you came to the wrong gal.  This past week I wished that I had leverage to fight this season of my life.  I grew up with a dad that when I was in trouble he fixed it.  He had connections that could make it all right...maybe not perfect but bearable.  And, I don't have my dad as my "leverage" in the world.  He passed away 23 years ago.

I know that seems a little weird and random right?  I would want my dad that was the "fixer" that leveraged his connections to make things good for his kids & wife? If I had problems with our insurance company back in the day he would have "fixed" it or paid the premium for me.  He would have made sure that his daughter could afford medical care.  That she knew she was loved and cared for....but nope he's not here.

There have been so many times, places, and problems life has thrown my way that I missed having my dad around.  He was my biggest fan, called me out on my crap, and challenged me to be better than he was.  When I got older and he got God in his life he would talk openly & honestly about his faith.  He told me he prayed that I got it before I was old like him. He shared that God had remarkable things in store for me if I just left it all and followed him. He told me that he wasn't always going to be there but God would be.  My dad told me that I was by far a better person than he ever could be if I let God lead the way.

Well, this year, I'm working with God and not against him.  I've learned through being humbled this past year with being sick.  I learned  to ask others to help me....that was a huge one.  I reach out, and genuinely tell people that I love them and mean it.  This spring as I felt better I took on the challenge that God placed me with.  To open my artroom up to my community.  Being creative has always been a solace that God gifted me with.  When things get rough I shelter myself through creativity.  And, through opening my artroom I could see that others could find that same shelter from the world.

I don't know how to tell you to find rest in a season of change, honestly, I don't.  I don't have the "leverage" in the world to make things happen quickly like I did when my dad was alive.  I've got to totally 100% give my heart, hurts, and cares up to my Heavenly Father.  Remarkably, enough when I chose to give it up to my Heavenly Father it doesn't make the situation any clearer most times....it just gives me an overwhelming sense of peace.

I'm learning this week a new meaning for "leverage".  "Leverage" is having humility in your day.  It is being humbled before our creator & having confidence that he will see you through.  "Leverage" doesn't mean going out into the world for Jesus for your own personal gain while crushing others....it means that I go out into the world and set aside my advantages to serve others.  It's learning to love our savior and showing it to the  world around me.  

I know that this past Sunday at City Market I used my "leverage" with God to be kind, approachable, and helpful to people that were passing by and those who saw me and asked me to help them.  I know that is what I've been designed to do all along.  I was designed with a teacher's heart. creative spirit, and smarts.  God has allowed me the perfect timing in being ill to open my artroom.  To reach out to my community and help to bring his solace through creativity to them.  I love that I can equate "leverage" with solace....it's taken a while based on who my dad was & who I am as his daughter to learn but I've got it.  "Leverage" doesn't have to be based on what you have, who you know. and who owes you favors.  There is a heavenly "leverage" that God provides which is a peace & solace in even the worst seasons of our lives.

This week I've been working through paperwork to get a cancer advocate to help Ted & I battle with the health insurance company.  I was blessed last week to get some pharmacy cards that can be used by our whole family for their meds.  We still pay a percentage but it just might be doable which gives me hope.  I've found solace in not being able to worship on Sundays in a typical manner.  We've been going to City Market to sell my loot to help to pay our health insurance until this past week.  This past Sunday I saw it as a way to reach out to others to be like Christ....yeah, it wasn't about the money.  This past Sunday it was about me leaving all that personal gain & reaching out to connect, love, and care for others.

In reality I can see tons of opportunities to grow, strengthen, and serve like Jesus would rather than like Jesus is watching me.  Maybe that is what makes the difference.  Maybe that is where my solace & rest will come from in this season of change.

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• I've got paperwork to fill out through Cancer Care to try to help with gas money to get to the doctor.  That is the only assistance they offer since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer rather than another cancer. 
• I've been working with the Patient Advocate Foundation this past week to get an advocate for our case with the insurance company and to get some advice on my medical bills, etc. 
• I'm blessed to spend some time to reflect on my life and what I need to do next.  I'm blessed to have Tedster, Emily, and Dale here to help me through. I've often said that my kids are my saving grace that God gave me to show me the way....ahh, they really are.  They are strong, capable, and are able to minister to my spirit beyond.  How did they get so awesome over the years that they would be able to do that?  I truly think that is why God blessed me with Dale & Emily. God knew I don't listen well, I'm headstrong, and think I can take on the world....but he gave me two kids that caused me to slow down, be a mom, think about them before myself...ohh, man, God is good. 
• Prayers: Pray for me & the family in this season...it's bumpy but we aren't defeated.  Pray that in the coming days I'm able to get an advocate provided to help me.  Pray that I can find a freebie mammogram in the KC area.  I've made calls and been turned down and so I'm not real clear on where to go for that one.  

Out To Pasture

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. - Romans 8:18

This week has been heartbreaking to me and I feel washed up & used up.  I don't know what the term "ready to put out to pasture" means since I'm a city kid but that sounds kind of decent. If only there were a free Starbucks and Netflix in the pasture with a big comfy pillow & quilt.  Ok. those are my conditions if & when I go out to pasture.

What's been going on?  I'm physically tired.  I've been working hard this summer and lovin' every creative & memorable moment with my kids.  But I've also ignored my doctor when she said to rest and take it easy when I don't feel 100%.  In the spring I had pre-cancerous cysts removed from my intestines.  This fall I've literally been poopy and have started to bleed rather than have stools which scares me and makes me want to "go out to pasture" & be done.

As a fam we are trying to adjust from the past year or so of me being sick and now here we go again.  Yesterday, our health insurance got cancelled. Why?  Because we couldn't afford the $1,200 for it. Ted knew it was coming and has been on the phone with BCBS all month giving them our background story.  Asking if they could reduce the rate that they doubled this spring. Asking if they have processed our appeal.  Asking them to just take half and let him figure out a way we can get the rest.  The answer to all these questions came yesterday when he called them and they told him personally that our insurance was cancelled and they wouldn't look into our appeal, etc. unless we paid the premium.  

Ahh, now what to do?  All I can do is think of Ted who is diabetic and needs insulin.  I think of Emily who finally has gotten her groove back.  She's in classes at the community college & just got her ability to drive.  But she needs her seizure meds to keep her going.  And, Ted, Em, and Dale need insurance in case something happens.  And, yeah, I need insurance to go to my cancer doc, get tests ran, and help pay for insurance but that isn't what crosses my mind.  It's my family & their basic needs.

The one thing I know is that God is with me & my family through this season.  He will sustain us, lift us up, and watch over each of us.  I don't just write those words I believe them in my heart & soul.  That is what caused me to wake up this morning and start making phone calls.  I called Cancer Care this morning.  They told funding for ovarian cancer through them amounts to a one time gas card to get you to your doctor's appointment.  The gal was nice enough, said she would send an application, and let me cry.  The next call was to Cancer Action where I left a message for a gal to call be back about resources in my area.  Next call was to the American Cancer Society.  They sent me to the insurance advocates that looked through our info.  They gave me ideas of how to get insurance for Dale.  And, we talked about the situation with BCBS and the possibility of Ted, Emily, and I not having insurance until January.  Then I called Emily's neurologist, told them what had happened and asked for help to get her meds.  Final call for this morning was to Patient Advocate Foundation who took my details and will have an advocate call me within the next few days. 

It's not perfect but God created me smart & capable.  I feel that I haven't failed God or my family today because I got out there and tried.  I may have a runny nose, red eyes, and been a crybaby but no one that I called scorned me for it.  They were patient, kind, and sincere.  I had one gal tell me that she was a believer too and pray with me while I cried over the phone.  It wasn't a perfect morning but I feel God's compassion washing over me.  I can spend the rest of the day walking in faith & confidence that I don't have the answers and things didn't get solved.  Why?  Because Jesus is walking beside me and he does have the answers and knows how to solve it.  I don't know how, when, or where but he does & that's enough for the day.

I wrote this to encourage each of you.  We all have moments, seasons, and times when we feel like we'd be better off going out to "pasture".  The prob is there is no Starbucks in the pasture, Netflix, or a comfy pillow.  But if you choose to live with Christ there is the remarkable gift of eternal life that I'm sure I will drink so many chai teas my stomach will ache.  I know through Christ that on the worst days He is there wrapping his heavenly quilt around me to get me through.  And, I know the same is true for you!

I would appreciate your prayers for our family during this season.  I haven't talked openly with my kids about my medical situation only to say that I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. In reality I don't know what my cancer doc wants to do with me so that is what I know....I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Train Wreck

You are fearfully & wonderfully made- Psalm 139:14

We've all had those moments in time that are awesome and those that we are defeated.  This week finds me barreling down in defeat ready to crash and burn.  I feel like a "train wreck" that is going to inevitably happen.  I just don't know when.

I've been walking in faith & confidence with the Lord since my January diagnosis of ovarian cancer.  It was only stage one, one.  They caught it early on.  And, the grapefruit sized mass that burst as they were trying to get it out that had cancer cells?  Well, I've walked on faith and confidence that God was going to extinguish those cells.  In the past month I've found that I've got pre-cancerous cells in my intestines, probs with my bladder, and need another mammogram.  My insurance company won't cover some of my newbie meds I'm on....they changed their formulary. And, the cost of our insurance has doubled this spring. If  I'm honest most days I have times where I've got fear that runs through me. 

Last week & this one have been particularly rough.  I walked in faith and confidence when I told them at the Cancer Institute I couldn't pay the $150 for the mammogram but I could do it in two weeks. I cancelled last week's mammogram because I needed the money to pay for brakes on the jeep. I walked in faith and confidence when I looked at our bank account and realized that it was either the mortgage or my meds.  And, neither has been done.  I just can't seem to push the button on which to do.

This morning I don't feel great physically or spiritually.  I'm being trampled on.  And, I had this convo with God ; "You've got to see me through this. Every fiber of my being is screaming.  I don't have the time, money, or know how to make it all work.  I just want to feel better and walk in faith and confidence, Lord.  Why is it so hard?".  I was reminded of Psalm 139:14 "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". 

That caused me to sit back and cry even more.  Fear surrounds me and God is telling me how wonderful I am? Shoot, I've got fear of not making financial commitments.  Fear of not being able to afford to take care of my health.  Fear of not doing it all right.  Geez, Lord, I don't want to crash and burn.  I don't want to be reliant on others, I don't want to confide in others to bear my hurt, and I don't want to....and I stopped.  All those are the same don't want to's from last fall that I had, the same reservations. God seems to be laying on my heart to confide in others, ask for some help, and to cease  crying.  He wants me to walk in faith and confidence with others.

This week  I've had a person a day walk into my life that has been through cancer.  How weird is that?  They are strong, capable, and gave me some contacts to call.  They also told me to be my best advocate rather than my worst and challenged my walk in faith and confidence.  One of them told me, "I get walking with faith and confidence with the Lord. He designed you and I differently, Sherry, we've got cancer.  But we are smart and can be our best advocates and that is why you are walking this walk with God.  He wants you to fight, Sherry.  Make some calls, demand you get your meds, demand treatment, and tell them to bill you".

Ok, true confession.  I don't go around telling people I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I don't tell them about the grapefruit sized cyst that burst with cancer cells going all over my body. I don't say that my spring mammogram had small cysts that they are watching.  I don't say my insurance doubled this spring and I couldn't afford to go to the cancer doc or get blood draws this summer because of it.  I don't talk about it because I've relied simply on God to know.  My own fam doesn't know the fear that I've got or frustration. 

Yeah, I'm smart & capable of making some calls to try to push to get some help but I if I say the word cancer I've got to admit it's there. That's a hard one.  I'd like to think it is gone because the ovaries and small cysts are gone.  But then there was the large mass that burst with the cancer cells that float throughout my body.  That is a hard one and my challenge this week.  Instead of forget about it and go on I need to  make some calls and get the ball rolling.Find out how I can get some help to afford my meds & mammogram.  I want to be the Sherry that God designed as "fearfully & wonderfully made".  Not the "train wreck" that cries each morning once her fam leaves the house.  Not the "train wreck" that gives it up to God each morning and night and then goes on and does nothing to help herself.

I'm praying this week that you take on the "train wreck" in your own world.  Whether that is calling the bill that hasn't been paid, making a doctor's appointment, or handling a situation with a co-worker.  We've all got potential "train wrecks" in our world.  I believe that we walk in faith & confidence in the Lord .  Because of that he created each of us smart & capable.  We are able to make calls, talk to people, and handle things in our lives that aren't perfect.  It's not fun or easy but he created us capable. I want to be walking proof of that.  This week I encourage all of you to get out there and do that same. Let's be walking proof that we are "fearfully & wonderfully made".

Peace be with you - Sherry

**I'm asking each of you prayer for my faith and confidence in the Lord today as I start making calls.  Allow me to have composure and articulate what my needs are. Allow me to find people that can help or direct my path.  And, that I feel like I'm "fearfully & wonderfully made" at the end of the day rather than a "train wreck".  Know I will be praying the same over my readers.  Peace be with you. 

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

"The quality of strength lined with tenderness is an unbeatable combination". - Dr. Maya Angelou

 In my journal this week I kept coming back to "What have you done for me lately?" that I had written.  I'm a child of the 80's and love Janet Jackson!  Who back in the day didn't have a pair of big gold hoops with a key on one?  I sure did & recently bought a pair that reminded me of my old ones.

But, I digress.  That's not why I had wrote "What have you done for me lately?" in my journal.  It was meant as more of a statement than a question.  It was a reminder to me that each day needs to be spent in the Lord.  That I want my words, actions, and life to reflect my Savior.  And, that is a statement if I'm honest that haunts me.  Why?  Because I'm guilty.  I know what God is laying on my heart.  I feel compelled to do it.  And, then, well, I falter, I wait, I stop....because I don't have the courage to get out there and go. 

Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens to.  This past year the Lord has been heavy with what He wants of me.  I know in my heart that he didn't get me through some dark places in my life, protect me against myself, and bring me through cancer this year to let me go.  I know he doesn't like to see me flounder around with his gifts for me.  Let me explain it like this.  Have you ever felt in your head, heart, and soul that you should do something.

That is where I've been this fall.  My spirit is screaming "take your heart, mind, and spirit and go!". What am I doing?  Feels like saving all my time, energy, and attention for a rainy day. I hear my mind race "you can't" & feel my heart saying "you are gonna be heartbroken" and so I've faltered God. I had a pity party for myself and I was a great hostess.  I thought about how our health insurance doubled this summer, my meds aren't in the formula for prescriptions, and how hard it is for me to make enough to do the co-pays for my cancer doc & to have a mammogram this week.  And, my whole being becomes pitying myself rather than glorifying God. 

God has no time for the pity pot.   God's saying to me "You have the courage, knowledge, and heart to do this because I've breathed it into ever fiber of who you are, Sherry, GO!".  And, like a reluctant child I said, "Ok, God whatcha got for me?".  While I've been waiting to decide what God wants from me  I took time to glorify him by : cleaning the counters & cabinets in the kitchen (he blessed me with a kitchen).  Then I made dinner for the fam this week rather than Ramen soup or frozen pizza(God blessed me with groceries now use 'em, Sherry).  I cleaned my workshop & artroom space because I was blessed with the tools, ability to know how to use them and some great friends & people that come to workshops in my creative space. And, then, I took the furchildren (our dogs) outside to our backyard and played fetch with them each morning, got water for them, and just sat and thanked God for the life I've got. 

This week I got a inbox from a gal pal on Facebook.  She wanted to let me know that the Lay Clergy had approved for me to do art classes for kids at the renovated Tucker hotel.  That means that I can take Creation Station & Mama Mia out on the road to help kids connect to art in my community.  That means I can use art to : Glorify God through teaching. Glorify God by offering a safe public space where kids can use their imaginations and feelings in a creative safe environment.  I can glorify God by teaching & be a mentor to the families that I serve. I don't doubt for an instant that the people I serve through this new endeavor will see the strength & tenderness that the Lord has filled my heart with.

I love that because I chose to get off the pity pot.  I chose to serve God here within my home and glorify Him through my actions to my family, pets, and friends that He built me up.  He has given each of us a "heart, mind, and spirit to GO!".  Will you hear his call? 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Flubber

"One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ⁶ The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God". Romans 14:5-6

Coming up with words that begin with "e": everlasting, ever, enlist, endurance, enduring, and so the list goes on.  I'm a wordy person...shoot, you read my blog, you know.  I also make code words for people or things that frustrate me.  This week's word "flubber".

Why? I've logged onto to social media this week and been bombarded with people sharing their views which I think is awesome.  I also see their wording becoming reckless, flippant, and brash and that makes my soul sad.  I was taken to Romans 14: 5-6 and thought of the Jews & Gentile Christians who were trying to decipher God's law.  Paul is trying to push both parties into a tolerance for one another.  So that they not only see one another respectfully but through brotherly love rather than letting their opinions become prejudice.  I know I really was thinking this week, right? 

I needed to take time to write an open letter to my family & friends and have an open conversation.  I want you to know that words do hurt.  They have strength, meaning, and empowerment at their best.  At their weakest they are brazen, lavish, and enlist hate rather than love.  That makes both my mind, soul, and heart break. 

I would challenge us not to be "flubber" in the world bouncing from one idea, issue, or complaint.  I think it's time to evaluate, define, and take worth in who we are and what God has created us to do. I did just that this week rather than get into a debate, criticism, or argument with people I love.  For years I've said I will agree to disagree with you but I love and care about you.  Know why?  Because God designed me with the soul purpose to love others, care for them, and see both sides of the coin.  He gave me the ability to know what I stand for and against.  What he didn't give me is the ability to cope with the bombardment of what I perceive as negativity in His name. 

I've been praying this week for God to help me with this.  You see I don't need your scorn I do that all by myself.  Know why?  God gave me a sense of right & wrong.  I know there are things from my past that weren't right but at the moment I did them.  And, I'm confidant that God forgave those things when I asked Him into my heart, soul, and mind as a believer.  That weight of guilt, hurt, and angst that I felt for years is gone....poof!  He sees me as the bright, capable, creative, and loved daughter...thank you God.

My challenge is to take the "flubber" that overwhelms me via social media and dump it.  Isn't that something? And, it's hard because "flubber" keeps bouncing back on FB. You hear the "bing" and you look....and if you are like me your heart aches.  You hear the tweet from Twitter and glance at it.  We all do and we see something that doesn't reflect God's love for his people.  C'mon, aren't we better at seeing love, care, and concern? 

Since I'm a wordy gal here are some definitions:

Love: "an intense feeling of deep affection".  It went onto to say that "babies fill their parents with intense feelings of love".  Imagine that magnified & how God feels about each and every one of us?  That means all of us with no exclusions.

Care: "the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something".  I think that God sees care as that.  It is what He provides for each of irregardless of our present, past, or future....He cares.

Concern: "a matter of interest or importance to someone".  The one that we can lay out all our concerns, cares, and love to is God.  I sincerely believe he will take those and create something wonderfully unique in us that we can share to the world.

I've been praying this week how to talk about this with you.  How not to seem angry, flippant, or brash.  I asked God with my heart to let me not be reckless with my words so as to hurt someone.  And, to let me be brave, speak up, and bounce the "flubber" in my life into the can, beat the lid in, and put it into a special waste container.  I think that is how Professor Ned Brainard did it. 

I'm encouraging you to take the "flubber" you see from social media and look away, don't be distracted by it.   Instead, focus that time and give God the glory for what he's doing in your life. Then share the love & support that you've been given by God & be a gift to others.  Help your neighbor roll in their trash cans, make dinner for a friend, or pray over someone.  I know this season of my life those are the smalls that I'm going to do to glorify God.  Imagine if we made a movement of "God Glory Flubber".  Let's see what we can do!

Peace be with you-Sherry