Philippians 3:13-14 (NKJV, emphasis added), “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
For the past month I've been wanting to blog and my spirit has needed to blog . It is when I write that I feel closer to our Heavenly Father and think out loud with my words. Writing like art has always helped me to think, process, and be decisive.Instead of blogging I've been choosing to be bogged down by the magnitude of what it going on in my life.
Last week went down like this; no firm answers about the darling dots epilepsy. We still do not know what part of the brain her seizures come from. I showed up for my oncologist consult only to be sent to my primary doctor to see me so insurance would cover both consults. I went to the wrong place for a meeting with a non profit and showed up totally late. To say the least I've been a hot mess; unable to control the big things as well as the small.
Monday night we went to our small group and it was journal night. I was so thankful for the gift to write and listen to our Heavenly Father. What came out totally called me out. Through writing I was able to share with God how thankful I am for the new endeavors that are divinely his in my life. I then waited for his response and what I heard hurt me. He told me that he sees that I'm growing weary, impatient, and doubtful. That I'm tired both physically and mentally. That my own apprehension is leading to my fatigue and cold acquisitions of Him and others around me. At that point I thought yeah, who wouldn't be tired, Lord, give me a break. I have the right to be ; angry, furious, and point fingers.
That is what sickened me. I tried to justify my actions and my owness without owning it myself. I literally wanted to run to our friends bathroom and throw up. Instead, I waited, and heard "I want you to know what matters to you matter to me. You are my beloved daughter which in my own grace and mercy walk. You know you are mine and I light your path. Ponder and fear no more...go, do, walk". Before I could even crab, justify, or make matters worse I heard "silence, seek joy, be light, find tunnel vision".
Ohh, but, Lord it feels good to grumble and its easy. Don't I have something to gripe about, Abba Father? Don't I get to be hesitant rather than jump in and get hurt and disappointed again? In fact he does sense all that angst, anger, and wants it to become His glory and connection back to Him. He wants me to have tunnel vision. I stopped at that point and did some breathing exercises to calm my spirit. I went to sleep trying to decipher what "tunnel vision" meant.
After two days spent in prayer and scripture I understood "tunnel vision". It means stop focusing on all the incidentals in life and focus on Him. Tunnel vision means being blinded to all distractions and threats and simply narrowing your line of vision. Our Heavenly Father is calling me to stop and narrow my sight to Him and Him alone. That I would see with faith, joy, and light. It gives me peace of mind to know others have the same problem; Naomi, Peter, David and a list of others that include you and I. We are all seeking synchronicity with our Heavenly Father that we trust His divine leadership in our lives no matter how uncertain, hard, or unbearable it feels. I simply need to hunker down to the girl of grace and mercy He designed. I need to tunnel to see Him and only Him. To let go of the waves of anger, hurt, and shortsightedness and to see how God is working in my daily life, my families lives, and the world. That I would be able to rest in the fact that God is in control.
Today I choose to look with tunnel vision to see the our Abba Father and lean into Him. I choose to praise Him rather than haggle. I choose to seek his mercy and grace so that my words and actions can be like His.
Peace Be With You- Sherry
Updates:
- I went to my oncologist last week and my blood work was ok, my MRI of my brain was normal, my scans showed the nodules are still there but have stayed the same. We talked about the vertigo I've been experiencing and it could be due to the meds I'm on. I don't have alternative meds to choose from and I desperately want "quality of life" at this point which means taking the meds, doing some exercises that will help with the vertigo. My Crohns Disease is the reason for the recent blood which is better than it being from the nodules. I got a steroid shot, got told to check back in in three months, and do weekly blood work.
- I'm excited after my meeting with a non-profit. There are several things that were said that reminded me of how God has been building me up over the past few years. I've praised Him for the meeting and coincidences that are uniquely His.
- I've started teaching art to school aged kids each Wednesday night and am blessed with each class. The kids are enthusiastic and I get to see them be challenged to use the gift of creativity that God placed in them.
- Emily spent last week hooked up in the hospital to get a reading of a seizure in hopes we would know what part of her brain they start at and how it spreads. She went through; lights being flashed daily at her, shallow breathing, sleep deprivation. On Friday, Dr. Seeley, checked in and told her she could go home and took off the electrodes. He left the room and heard the "seizure groan" and found her seizing. We have a phone consult with him today. Pray that we are able to talk openly and ask questions in order to better understand where we go from here.
- I take Dale for a tour and to meet the head of Geology at Northwest Missouri State on Friday. He was able to receive scholarships and it is more affordable than KU. I am hopeful that he will like the campus and the Geology department.
