Saying Grace

 

 

 

Grace; (verb) do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence

 

Today I went to my cancer support group.  I had to introduce myself, talk about my diagnosis, and it was literally one of the most nerve racking things that I've had to do in my life.  Why?  Those of you that know me know that I'm an extrovert .  But today it was admitting what is wrong with me...that's easy to do when you are writing a blog but actually facing others that don't know you and telling them....eek!  

 

What I found was a group of ladies that knew me.  They knew because they have been there, done that, and felt the same emotions.  The counselor suggested to all of us that we needed to re-define grace.  She said that we needed to remember to allow ourselves daily grace.  We need to know that we have the grace to admit ; I don't feel well, I need help, and I'm scared.  

 

How many times have you given yourself that kind of grace?  For me I think of the grace that God grants me daily to get through, to know I'm loved, and forgiven.  I think of grace for those women that are poised and elegant.  If I were to think of words to describe me I wouldn't say grace....I'm clumsy, opinionated, clever,creative, and love the Lord but grace nope that isn't one of my words.  

 

Why is that?  Why isn't grace a word that we use to describe ourselves.  I'm challenging myself to add "grace" to my description.  It is with "grace" that I'm learning to tell my family & friends how I feel physically and emotionally.  It is with "grace" that I tell people that I have to pass and can't do things.  It is with "grace" that I ask for help with the smalls, mediums, and larges that life throws me.  

 

Hhhmmm...maybe "grace" should have been a word I used to describe myself long ago.  God who is graceful shows me his grace daily and I want to shine for him.  Maybe through challenging myself that "grace" that I have for a day, moment, or minute is sufficient, right, and dutiful to the Lord that I can easily list it on descriptive words about me.  

 

How about you?  Would you use grace to describe yourself,  the season of your life, or know that through grace you are enough?  Today is a new day that God has gifted each of it.  Make time to find your "grace" in the walk. 

 

Peace be with you- Sherry

 

Updates:

 

• I go next Tuesday for my second iv injection.  I feel solemn about it & know that I will have the grace to allow my fam & friends help me through it.  The first iv injection I thought it was fine and within a couple of days learned I really was completely tired, overwhelmed, and sick.  This time around I'm going to have the "grace" to ask not only my fam but my friends to help me. God is good!
• Our family is going to Gilda's Club tonight to play bingo with other families of cancer patients.  It is the first event that we will be going to and it means so much more than a bingo game. It means we are coming to grips as a fam with a mama with cancer....ahh, deep breaths. God is good!
• I will be posting messages via FB during the week as Help Wanted ads.  There are smalls that we need as a family and I will have the grace to ask for the help.  Thanks to all of you that have helped with the smalls, pray for our fam, and encourage us.  God is good !

Stretch Marks

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Psalm 25:4

This week I've felt the world closing in on me and my family.  Many of the small details that I normally take care of have been undone, ignored, or I've opted out.  How can a wife, mom, and girl after God's heart "opt out"?  I sure don't know & I think that is why I feel like the world is pushing me into a corner.

On Tuesday I started iv infusions for cancer. Tuesday I wrote in my journal about coming to a crossroads, a place that I don't know, and feeling like I can't find my way out.  I'm a pretty independent gal and usually do things in my own style.  This past month I'm learning that I've got to do things according to what my doctor and nurses tell me and my independent weaving off the course won't work.

I shared with Tedster this week I think they are gonna make me into a germ-a-phob before I'm done. My fam goes next week to get flu shots to try to ensure that they don't get sick.  I use hand gel now which I've never been a fan of.  I even have some near my front door for me, the fam, and friends that come over to use.

On Friday I decided to challenge the system because that's the kind of gal I am. It was my gal pal's birthday  and she invited me out.  I told her that I nap most of the day and that I'm currently watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix to muddle through the day.  She told that sounded like a fab day to just stay in, nap, and watch junky tv....God bless her.  Tedster took me over before he went to work with all my gear ; pillows, blankets, comfy sweater, socks, and of course hand gel.  I got there we talked a little while I laid on her couch and pretty soon I drifted off to snoozy land.  By the time I was up it was three in the afternoon....don't laugh.  That is my fascinating life I'm leading right now; doctor's appointments, support group meetings, napping, and Netflix.

On Saturday I slept in.  Tedster did laundry, took care of some smalls, etc.  I made a grocery list for he and Emily to do.  Did I ever mention I'm a control freak?  Well,  I told Emily to stay home while I went with Ted.  What happened?  I used a lot of hand gel and exhausted myself so much that I don't really remember walking into the house and laying down...evidently I did because I woke up in my bed.  The one thing that I do remember is that I told Ted that I was so hungry for meatloaf and he went through the store to get stuff to make it.  That means he made meatloaf which could be frightening because he is the king of frozen pizza, cereal, and canned soups.  I didn't bat an eyelash at it and when they woke me up for dinner on Saturday around 9:00 pm & I was filled with gratitude.

On Sunday morning I told Ted that I thought God was stretching us both in ways we never knew, would have chose, or wanted.  I feel the pain of having to stick to the rules, learning that if I push it I'm exhausted, and being scared because I don't know the answers.  Ted is being stretched to take over not only working full time but all our finances, the kids stuff, and dealing with his wife's health.  It is a time of not knowing our path, the area, and feeling lost and pushed into a corner we can't escape.  This season of our lives we literally pray  over Psalm 25:4, "Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow".  We are learning to give up self control and allow God to be God.

Are you ready to be stretched?  I don't think anyone possibly can be.  I think we can pray that because we love the Lord and want to serve him.  But would we choose the road that He chooses?  Would we actually want to go through the paths that we never would choose or want?  How would we deal with feeling lost and far away from the Lord as we are being stretched?  I'm not sure I was really in it to win it for God in this capacity if I'm honest.  I would never chose to be sick, dependent, and a germ-a-phob.  But here I am and each day and thankful to my Heavenly Father for teaching me that I could be stretched in ways that I would never choose or fathom and that I'm never really lost as long as I keep focused on Him.

Usually, I end my blog in a prayer for you but I wouldn't choose for you to be stretched by God.  That is something that you will have to do on your own. You must be willing to accept the path he places you on, accept the courage He gives you daily to walk along the path, and grow in your faith when it feels like the world is pushing in on you.

Peace be with you -Sherry

Needs For The Week:

Two gallons of milk and orange juice on Wednesday & Friday.  This is gonna be the weekly thing that I know we will need. If you are willing to take on one of these days for the next month let me know.  It would bless my family's world.

 
• Two bottles of Freebreeze.  I got sick over the weekend from the smell of food cooking. We freebreezed the house last night to help with the nausea and it seemed to help. 
• For me personally: Aveeno Oatmeal Bath, warm socks (my feet get really cold), Dove Pink Soap, Bert's Bees Baby Bee Buttermilk Soap (I've been washing my hair with it because the smell of my shampoo & conditioner makes me sick)

Updates:

• I started iv infusions this past Tuesday and I can say that I felt all right afterwards just tired.  Almost a week after the first I'm achy, feel chilly, and tired.  On Thursdays I go to a cancer support group at Gilda's Club.  I'm a self professed city girl and love the city but right now KC has lost its appeal since my drive is always the same:  to the doctor's appointment , the next treatment, or to Gilda's Club to decompress. I'm really just too tired for the city and all the fun haunts that I have there which leads me to be melancholy.   

• Our dryer is still broke. We dried our clothes at a gal pal's home this past week.  It was awesome to sit, gab, and bird watch.  She served Em & I lunch and literally fed not only our stomachs but our souls with her kindness.  God is good! 

• Tuesday when I got home I was tired and had a headache.  I told Emily that I wished I had a chocolate cupcake and went to sleep....lol.  Wednesday night a gal pal brought our fam dinner complete with chocolate cupcakes.  No one knew except Emily, I, and God that I was craving them ....God is good!

The Real World

Did you ever play the game of Life as a kid? I got to each time I went to visit my cousins because they had the game.  I remember asking for it and my dad saying, "I do life everyday and don't want to play it".  Those words came back to me this past week...."I do life and don't want to play it". 

As we grew up there was MTV and the Real World....anyone watch that?  It's where they took a handful of college aged kids and "put them in a house to see what happens when people start to get real".  I remember watching the show, seeing their house, the set up, and thinking, geez, that doesn't look so bad?  Why all the anger, fights, and yelling?  And, again, I'm sent to think about my dad's words, "I do life life and don't want to play it".

What happens when we do life?  Well, it is a roller coaster ride filled with all the emotions you could name and some you didn't know you had until you are climbing up that hill ready to plunge down.  If you are lucky you have some family and friends along for the ride.  And, if you are blessed you know the Lord and realize he is with you throughout the ride, went before you, and will never leave your side.  But it is easy to be distracted by life and loose track of your focus on Christ. 

This past week was a doozy for myself and my family.  I finished up radiation and made a game plan with my doctor on what to do next.  We were also served with court papers over our past due homeowners dues.  Today, as I'm gaming up to start chemo light Ted isn't going to be by my side.  He's going to be in court trying to get things settled with our homeowners association.  That is why I'm reminded of my dad's words about "living life" and that my Heavenly Father has my back, walks beside, and in front of not only me but Ted today. 

Ted looked at me this morning and said the heck with the court let them garnish his wages and he would go with me.  I told him that I would cancel my appointment and go with him.  Why?  Because both of us realizes that today we really need one another.  Remember the Real World slogan "watch what happens when people stop being polite and get real"....well, there is our reality. 

• My health issues within the past few years I've had my uterus removed because of pre-cancerous cells.  Tried to work through have cancerous cysts and a mass on my ovaries & finally had to have those removed.  Had that surgery & the mass that was the size of an grapefruit burst in my body sending cancer cells all over.  I was told it would be all right, not to worry but it isn't all right.  I had cysts removed this past spring and winter from my intestines.  And, that is why I got radiation and am seeking to try to trust the doctors and nurses and what they are telling me to do.  

This morning I'm left with the thought that the real world is pushing in our family again.  It is shoving us into a corner and we pray for God to be merciful to us, bring peace to our hearts, and let us walk in strength, integrity, and honesty.  Those aren't characteristics that the real world likes in my opinion.  The world would rather have you be broken, dishonest, and ruthless.  That is why Ted and I prayed together before he left that we show our strength, integrity, and honesty today.  That we allow God into our hearts and our inner turmoil and bring his peace. 

I've got to admit this morning that I'm not defeated but I am upset, hurt, crying.  I know I'm not alone because God is with me but also because he blessed me with my daughter who is walking beside me today too.  I know as I travel into KC and give it all up to God that he will take it and surround me with his peace. 

Do you feel the world pushing, people?  Do you feel like you are in the corner of life and can't get out?  Call on Jesus right now!  Let him free you from the corner of the "world" and allow him to bring peace to your heart, mind, and spirit.  Just typing that brought peace to mine.  I'm now ready to go live life and not to play life. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

201,534 Miles & That is What Made the Difference

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.  - Ephesians 3:20

Ohh,  the title to the blog this week is my odometer reading on Friday in Betsy Bravada.  I thought of the line in Robert Frost's poem the "Road Less Traveled"....what can I say?  I was an English major in college.  When I was headed out from my treatment on Friday I literally heard in my head "that is what made a difference" and had to pull over and write my mileage next to the quote...yeah, when I say I'm a little loopy these days I really am. 

One of my goals o' the week was to write a positive, uplifting, and funny blog.  However, this week has me feeling overwhelmed both physically & emotionally.  That being said you get what you get when you write with a throbbing headache, nausea, and after having cried for what seems the millionth time and we are only on Tuesday.

I went to check in with the doctor yesterday, have some tests ran, and discuss what is next in my treatment plan.  During my visit I dry heaved and whined about my monster head ache that wouldn't stop along with the nausea.  My doc talked to me and I saw my counselor too.  Both thought & know that I'm stressed both physically & mentally right now.  They know that my furnace went out on Sunday and that morning my dryer stopped working too....I was late to the appointment because of it.  Normally, I thrive of the everyday wonders like broke furnaces, dryers that stop working, and all the other smalls and larges in my world.  My counselor let me rant, cry, and then said, "Sherry, you are overwhelmed".  Yeah, that would be the understatement.

I talked with my doc and decided that today I would take off to rest, try to meditate (yes, that means me being still & quiet...feel free to laugh), and just relax.  As I'm writing this it seems like time is of the essence, right?  That I should be pushing through, sucking it up, and making it work.....but that is the old Sherry & what I once was.  This Sherry realizes that she is confused, in a world that she never signed up for or wanted.  I feel like the drive within me has stopped or at least stalled.  

 This morning I journaled about re-defining who Sherry is and what she can do. I know ; I love the Lord, God fearing, lover of knowledge, art, and creativity.  I've got a wicked sense of humor, am sarcastic, shakeable, and praiseworthy.  I'm empathetic & so want to be in the world to help, encourage, and reach out to those around me.  Instead, this month finds me traveling to KC to have radiation & staying home to rest & re-coup afterwards which confuses me because that's not "me".

I'm finding that I've pumped myself up that I got this, I can do it & keep going nothing is going to slow me down.  Well,  trust me, if you think that just try to go through radiation.  Yes, I'm sure there are super heroes among us that did radiation & kept on going like the energizer bunny.  I'm not one & I need a little help from my friends right now.  I've got a list of things that I NEED help with in the Update section of my blog.

Now, because, I wanted to share something "uplifting" here is one of my journal entries from last week:  Parked & am praying as I wait to go inside.  I decide to sit and journal afterwards and notice a guy sitting in the car next to me.  I kept writing and wind up spending 10 minutes with my random thoughts.  As, I get out of the car the guy next to me gets out of his.  It kinda creeps me out since I'm in the city.   He follows me to the elevator , he pushes the button, and he looks about as outta of it as I am. I've got no idea what he's facing, going through, or needs. He gets off on another floor & I feel compelled to say "peace be with you". As the doors close I breathe a deep breathe and say to myself "you've got this because God has you" and wait for the doors to open.

For something "funny":  On Friday I started the car and the song "Bitchin' Camaro" by the Dead Milkmen was on the radio.  I told Emily to hurry get my journal and wrote "Bitchin' Camero means it's gonna be a good day".....wahahahahahha.  Yes, that song is in my top 10 songs that I love because it is fun & makes me laugh because, yes, someday I too will own a bitchin' camero.

My positive message comes from a ranty little journal entry last week that I was truly in a loop while writing.  At the top I wrote with stars, " It's not your fault your just confused"....can I get an amen?  This week all those things that scare us, cause us angst, or that you are clueless to solve know this: It's not your fault you are just confused.  That is what God is for....to take over when you are overwhelmed, need help, and will always meet your daily supply to sustain you. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

 Updates aka Needs:

1. Chapstick - I've went through one and am on another since last week.  If you can nab some that would be wonderful.

2. Aveeno Oatmeal Bath- I've got a package for tonight and then I'm out.

3. We need: milk, orange juice,  eggs, and 7-up.  If you would be willing to nab them for our fam this week that would be wonderful.

4. Our dryer went out yesterday.  If you have a used one for sale or one we could use let us know.

5.  I go for radiation tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday this week.  If you are willing send dinner for the fam do it.  The allergies we have are: pepperoni, fish, seafood, and jalepenos.  

6. Please continue to pray for our fam in this season of our lives. We thank each of you for your prayers & messages.   I've got a few more radiation treatments left this week.  They are deciding with me what course of treatment to follow the radiation with.  It will either be meds or some form of what they call chemo light.   I'm praying over that....feel free to pray over it too.


Praises:

1. Yesterday our furnace got fixed by our friend, Steve!  We are so blessed to know he & his family, be able to ask for their help with the furnace, and have him come do the work, find the right part, and install it.  God is good!

2. We were blessed Sunday by people reaching out to us to drop off a space heaters to keep the house warm.  And, to have Ted & Dale go nab firewood from friends who sent back kleenex, lemon water, and saltines knowing that I was having nausea and tears....God is good.

3. I'm blessed that a friends are helping to get both the kids to school , youth group, and home.   All I had to do is tell them that I really didn't think I would feel this bad and ask them to help....God is good.

4. The nausea, headaches, and etc are just par for the course with radiation according to my doc & nurses.   My itchy skin they thought was a combo of dry skin (it is winter & the radiation).  Thanks be to a gal pal that came with the Aveeno Oatmeal Bath last week.  I take an oatmeal bath each night before going to sleep and it seems to help a whole lotta...God is good.

5. Thanks to my friends that have brought milk over for my milk lovin' fam.  And, for my gal pal that brought dinner last night & a grilled cheese for me.  And, the gal pal that took Emily to the laundry-mat & brought her home today.  God is good. 

The Canary Sings

“For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.  Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.”  - Mark 11:23

I'm a bit loopy-ier than usual this week.  I started radiation treatments for the cysts that keep coming back in my intestines. I'm stressed over how it is effecting my kids & hubby so instead of saying radiation I say "treatments". Treatment seems to imply that it is a treat, some sort of reward, or that it is just fine.  In reality it is my worldly way of saying " I'm just fine, normal, and my world is pleasant".  

Yesterday, I went to the Gilda Center before my first "treatment".  Know what that meant?  It meant admitting I've got a problem, I'm not fine, not normal, and my world is being rocked. I went there because I was early for my "treatment" and didn't want to cry by myself.  I was headed to the art museum to just hang out, re-group, and get myself in check. I passed by the Gilda Center on my way there and turned in.  I sat in my car, prayed for to release all my fear, anxiety, anger, and hurt to God.  Know what?  I wound up walking into the Gilda Center in tears.  They got a counselor who let me just blab endlessly about what was going on and cry, and cry, and cry.  

She told me it was all right just to let it go.  I've waited almost a year to hear someone say just let it go, cry. Know why? Because I give it all to God each morning, put on a smile, and push through....isn't that what we are all supposed to do?  Well, yesterday, I learned that God placed people in our paths to let us lean on, cry to, and mourn.  He didn't intend for any of us to use the word "fine" when asked how we are.  He created us to articulate our needs and designed us not only to seek him but others he places in our path.

The past year I've learned that God supplies for our needs and to trust him.  It was a hard lesson that included ovarian cancer, loss of medical insurance, medical problems, and stress. I have to confess that it felt like my tightly woven life was unraveling.  It started with a string that got pulled when I had surgery last year, that string started a small ball when the biopsies came back with cancer, and the small ball got a little bigger when they explained the large mass with cancer cells burst inside me when they went to take it out.  And, each time over this year when someone would ask how are you and I said "fine" more strings were coming apart.  This summer when I thought I had diarrhea and found it was only blood I felt completely lost and leaned into God.  When I went back to the cancer doc and couldn't afford a mammogram there was another string unwinding. Our health insurance getting cancelled, and not being able to afford Emily's seizure meds equaled more strings of my tightly woven life coming undone. My tightly knit world was becoming a bunch of loose fibers that were a huge mess ball.  

Ok, I remind you that I said I was a little loopy-ier than normal so forgive me.  But am I the only one with a tightly woven worldly life that they show to the world?  The life where we they have a "praise report" but inside it feels like God is forgetting you?  A life where you have no idea how things are going to work out or if they will.  A life where you want to sob but you suck it up, put on a mask of makeup and go on with your day.  And, if someone asks how you are you answer "fine". 

Ohh, be still my heart after God.  It's not that I don't see that God has a plan & will supply what is needed...I feel it in my soul.  It's not that I don't know that the radiation will take care of any cancer cells that remain in my body and help me. But my heart....the one after God seeks to be told "cry it out & release it all".  I was raised to not cry, get emotional, or show your hurt to the world.  This week I'm learning a lesson from God that he intended for me to cry, get emotional, and who cares who sees it.  He's showing me that it doesn't make me weak or an attention hog.  It makes me the girl of grace, hope, and love that he designed. 

Peace be with you- Sherry 

Needs for the Sniders:

1. Pray for all of us at this season of our lives.  Pray for my kids & Ted this month that God encourages their spirits, hearts, and minds this month.

2. Today after my second radiation I've got some nausea and diarrhea. That is all normal but I feel miserable. Pray for me that I rest well and feel like another round tomorrow.  

3. If you are compelled to help us with grocery getting, small errands, etc. let us know.  I need to hibernate in this month, rest, and take care of myself.  Emily can't drive until this spring because of her last seizure and would love to get out to go help get our groceries or runs errands but will need a ride.  If you can give her a ride that would be great.