So Long Old Friend

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult on me physically.  I've been not only doing radiation but started chemo infusions as well.  I felt like I had a good grip on what was going to happen, how I would feel, and I actually felt at peace about it.  Tuesday this week was the worst for me physically because I couldn't stop the nausea with any amount of ice water, meditation, or cold wash clothes for my head.  I literally had no control and had to bear down and ask God for mercy. I'd like to say that made the pounding headache & vomiting stop but it did not but I did feel a sense of calm.

When I got home Tuesday night Tedster confronted me over forgetting to lock our front door and I literally was at a loss to even apologize.  All I wanted to do is zombie shuffle up to my room and just climb into bed and ride the nausea. I wound up mumbling the words "so long" and going to bed. Those are my whines for the week thanks for reading up on them.

Now to my actual blogging for the week.  I wrote in my journal about defining the words "so long".  "So Long" can mean a goodbye see you soon kind of comment or can be a measurement of time, distance.  Like the trip to KC was "so long" this week or having to wait for radiation this was "so long" because I was late to my appointment and they had to fit me in.

 "So Long" are two words that can be scientific, mathematical, or whiny, right?  But what if you thought of the words "so long" being said by our Heavenly Father.  That is my perspective as I write today.  I think that for myself and so many others we come to our Heavenly Father when we are at our worst, am I right?  Or we worship, praise, and seek his forgiveness on Sunday mornings but as soon as Monday rolls around we are like, "so long God I've gotta handle my world now". Ouch, right? But when we come to our Heavenly Father in prayer, praise, or need O imagine JC (that would be Jesus Christ" saying "I've been waiting for you for so long" and He is excited to hear from us.

I can say that honestly that has been my relationship with JC for years. Within the past few years that relationship has been changing and evolving. I've literally prayed to God to let me radiate Him through my words and actions. It struck me this week in my journal that I prayed let me "radiate" your love God and am literally going through radiation right now.

Through radiation and chemo I've had to be in self preservation mode this year and that has meant not being as social or hanging out with my friends like in the past.  I mourn the loss of my interpersonal relationships and the closeness I once had with people. That being said I started a list today of my friends and it was "so long".  But the friend at the top of the list, the one that carries all my worries, burdens, celebrates my joys is my Heavenly Father.

I've learned to talk openly and honestly throughout my day with Christ and that excites me. I talk with him in the parking garage before going into the clinic. I've laughed with Him when I took on radiation like it was going to the tanning booth.  And, yeah, He gets my crazy sense of humor.  He's been steadfast, loyal, and provided the peace that I needed to make it through chemo infusions, nausea, and feeling like I'm losing myself.  I truly feel at peace throughout the day because He has waited for "so long" to have me love, value, and confide in Him daily.

This week I want to close out my blog with a prayer that I wrote in my journal on Tuesday as I sat waiting to get fitted into the radiation schedule.  I would hope it would inspire you and help in your journey with Christ who has waited "so long" for you.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I love that I don't know or comprehend what is happening.  I love that I don't feel defeated but blessed by a Father that guides & embraces me for who I am.  Do you know how outstanding it is to say I will not be defeated because God's got this and He will not allow or encourage me to feel defeated.  Thank you Heavenly Father for a premise and purpose that is uniquely mine.  Thank you for letting me take steps to be healthy, free, and competent.  I'm thrilled with the glimmer of light that you bestow on me that allows me to be a light that radiates your love into the world.  I praise you for my salvation and your steadfast love that has waited so long for me".

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates :

• I head to KC tomorrow for a doctor consult regarding my scan from Tuesday.  I will have my last radiation.  I will also have a chemo infusion and those will be three times a week until the end of August. 
• Longview called today and I found out the extent of what parts they need to replace for Betsy Bravada to run again.  She needs an actuator, climate control switch, condenser, and a bunch of other small parts that help the condenser to function.  The total cost is $700.  We are working on saving to pay for the repairs & prayfully should have enough in August.  
• I'm so thankful for the car that my friend, Sandy, has loaned to me twice a week to get me to KC. The air conditioning is awesome in her car.  I shared with her that all radiation & chemo patients deserve to ride in a car that can pump air conditioning like hers.
• Next week I'm going for an interview with Kelly Services so that I can substitute teach this fall.  I've prayed about working again and subbing seems like the best solution.  I have to get a substitute teacher certificate.  Say a prayer that I can get my resume together this weekend, watch all the instructional videos, and have a great interview.  
• Emily met with Voc Rehab this week about her skill assessment.  She talked with Tina about going into teaching or counseling for kids.  She shared with me that her assessment showed that she was strong in fields that dealt with compassion, mentoring, and helping others.  Please continue to pray for Em regarding her seizures and her future plans.

Joy Robber

This past week I've spent some much needed time just talking to God daily & thanking him for the remarkable journey that I'm on.  I mention this because over the weekend my hubby shared with me that he feels no joy in the world.  He says that it is the same day in and day out and it is always tough, demanding, and negative.

Can you relate to my hubby?  If so I'm hoping that you have a friend or family member to confide in right now.  Life is tough right now for our family ; Ted is the sole earner for our fam, we have a car that is in the shop getting fixed, a daughter with a seizure disorder, a son that is learning to drive, and I've got cancer.

I was impacted by Ted's words because I think that the world in general seems to be lacking joy.  Look at the news reports, friends posts on social media, and the negativity that seems to flow.  It does make it hard to stay positive, see the good, and keep one's faith.

The beauty in every situation is through our salvation through Christ as believers.  With that salvation we have the ultimate confidant, counselor, and savior in our Heavenly Father.  I go to Him daily and talk with him about my life, fears, and hurts and give it all away.  I then ask my Heavenly Father for His mercy and grace to get through each moment of the day so that I can radiate his love and that others feel it through me.

This past weekend I was taken back to times in our marriage of change, fear, and distraught.  I remember that God's grace and mercy was a part of our lives and thanking Him daily for it.  I also remembered that when things are the worst Ted & I come together to pray away the doubts, losses, and fears. And, I remembered that I'm a wife and need to pray daily for my hubby that God's grace and mercy be with Ted each step of his day that God be radiated through Ted to others.

I want to encourage each of you this week that when you feel fear, loss, or negativity surround you that you reach out to your Heavenly Father.  Have an open & honest dialogue with your savior and ask for his mercy and peace to sustain you.  Don't know the Lord or fear that he has forsaken you?  Fear not, you are loved by a Heavenly Father that never has left your side and desires to be your best confidant.  He loves and cares for you....all you have to do is ask Him into your life.  If you need someone to pray with you feel free to contact me I would be honored to pray with you.

Peace be with you -Sherry

Updates:

• I got a call this week about my car & they located the part via Ebay....God is good.  I'm hoping by the end of the month to have my car back and working. God is good. 
• Yesterday, I went to KC, to have double radiation and an infusion.  It was a tough day physically for me and I had a few pit stops to get sick on the way home.  My precious blessing was my friend that lent me her car to get me there and back.  The air conditioning in her car was remarkable & refreshing. All I could think of in the car ride was how blessed I was it be in the air conditioning on the ride to and from KC.  God is good.
• I love seeing God working in my kids lives.  On Tuesday afternoons Emily helps at the kids support group at Gilda's Club.  The kids made books yesterday about their lives.  As Emily was cleaning up she heard one of the little boys that she is assigned to start to cry and be inconsolable by the leaders.  She stopped cleaning and picked him up, hugged him, and told him it was all going to be all right.  He asked her how she knew it was going to be all right since his dads cancer was getting worse. Emily shared with him about her faith and that even though things are messed up and the people they love are sick God has a purpose for her and for him so they have to keep going.  I love that God's light radiated through Emily...God is good.
• Dale got his driver's permit on Friday.  My blessing is that Emily has been taking him to the high school and helping to teach him to drive....God is good.

Mom Up

We've all heard the phrase "man up".  It generally means to push through the difficult situation.  Yesterday, as I was waiting for radiation and writing in my journal I thought up the phrase "Mom Up" and tried to define what that means.  Here's what I've got to share.

"Mom Up" means as a mother you take on full responsibility for your child or children.  Responsibility is everything from changing their diapers, signing their report cards, to sending them off to college.  There are many circumstances through your child or children's lives that you will feel weak, defeated, infuriated, or judged.  What you have to do at those times is known as "Mom Up".  The world is a cold, harsh, and calculating and it throws moms off their game.  It is sometimes easy to be consumed about a unexpected bill, car repair, or illness but as a mom you have to take on all those things and so much more and "Mom Up".

This season of my life I'm facing cancer, bills up the wazoo, and the inability to make it all work.  I've seriously never felt so inept as a mom. I was once that mom that nothing got her down....what didn't work made her stronger, and the love of the Lord and her kids kept her going.

I felt over the weekend my own failure to "Mom Up" after going through our finances, making a budget, and seeing a stack of bills that needed a mama to call, write, and pursue.  But that mama has been out of it, sleeping lots, taking meds that phase her out, and relying on her family more than ever.  Well, yesterday, as I sat waiting for radiation and an infusion following I thought, "Geez, Sherry, take control, stop whining, stop the bleeding heart crap and just get it going....Mom Up already!".  Yeah, it could be the radiation & chemo talking but in reality it is my mom heart that is pounding.

Today, this is what I did. I swept the floors in the kitchen and made a big old pitcher of sweet tea for the kids.  Next, I gathered a handful of bills & headed to my laptop with a large glass of ice water for my throat & mouth that has blisters.  And, I started to make a handful of calls that weren't fun...but I did them.  I then wrote two letters to creditors explaining my situation and asking for their help in providing a equitable payment plan.  I took a deep breath and asked the kids to take the letters to the mailbox.  Now, I'm taking a deep breath and thanking God for the ability to "Mom Up" today and take care of things.  Here's my simple prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father: thank you for the ability to rest in this morning and get up and get dressed.  Thank you for giving me kitchen floors that needed to be swept and for allowing me the ability to do it.  I praise you for being with me to choose words that are appropriate and with valor for all that I spoke.  I thank you for allowing me to think clearly for the hour that it took to write two letters to creditors and believe that you will help me to get a solution to them.  I seek you in all that I am and could ever be because you made me to be smart, articulate, creative, and a Mom.  Thank you Heavenly Father for allowing me the blessing to "Mom Up" today and take care of the precious people that you blessed me with.  Amen.

May you find the strength, dignity, and self control that you need to get you through this week and what the world sends your way.  May God give you the strength to "Mom Up", "Parent Up", or "Self Up" for all your needs this week.  I know that you can through Christ that strengthens and protects each of us.

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• I currently need a $100 each week for the chemo infusions that will last through August.  If you would like to donate or help with that please let me know.  I'm having to "Mom Up" and realize that I will need financial help to get through this and ensure that our family's needs are met.
• I've got blisters on my stomach and in my mouth from the radiation and infusions which are driving me bonkers. I was in KC yesterday and literally felt like crying from the heat because it made my skin so itchy and my body so tired.  I was blessed to have Em & Dale with me to cause me to "Mom Up" and keep it together.  Emily took the car keys downtown and told me to get in the jeep and rest that she had it.  Thanking God for the gift of my kiddos and Em's ability to drive.
• It is my "Mom Up" goal to take Dale to take his driving permit test on Friday.  I'm hoping he can pass and that I'll be able to take & teach him to drive into & home from KC this summer.  
• On Tuesday Emily took a basket of creative loot and monsters that we made into Gilda's Club so the kids that she works with could make "worry eaters" from them.  It blessed my heart to see Emily working with the kids and that they were so enthused by making the monsters.  
• Finally, we'll need to borrow a car on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of next week to make to KC.  If you are willing to loan us your car for the day let us know.  Those are the days for radiation and infusions next week.