Choke On It

This afternoon our lab, Daisy Lou, got in the trash and had a bag over her muzzle.  As she was running around the house playing catch me she started to hyperventilate. Did she give up the chase....nope.  Dale, my sonshine, finally had enough and yelled at her, "I give up, Daisy,  just choke on it!".

That statement although rude expressed his exasperation with the dog.  One of Daisy's fav games is to nab something that we like, love, or have used and run around with it daring us to chase her.  It made me think that in lots of ways we as humans are very "Daisy-like".

I know I have creature comforts that I love.  Things like warm coffee in the morning, listening to music, watching Netflix, and doing artsy stuff.  It causes me to ponder how much of those creature comforts are more like my own will.  They are my own plastic bags that I run around with trying to be daring, cool, or gain attention when the only true attention I need to be focused on is my Heavenly Father.  It baffles me to think how many personal choices I make that God shakes his head at and thinks, "she's gonna choke on that". 

It causes me to be aware at this moment & evaluate my day. I've had a parade of trips to the bathroom today because the newbie meds. I've been cranky because of this until the most recent.  As I was washing my hands in warm water and soap I began to praise God for my home, the bathroom that was messy but clean, running water, toilet paper, and soap & water to wash up afterward.

Funny how I had been in the bathroom most of the day but forgot to praise God for what I feel are essential items ; indoor plumbing, warm water, toilet paper, soap.  Those items that I deem essential for my life are but in reality there are others without them.  If I got real and listed all my creature comforts most are not essential but make life a lot easier.

What is essential is the praise that we need to give our Heavenly Father through the fun, joys, sorrow, and miserable times.  He designed us to be able to look beyond our mere circumstances into his light.  To see ourselves and others as He does.

I believe much of our days would look outstanding if we dropped the "plastic bags" that are causing us to hyperventilate and choke.  For me that would be my words which are my sword to the world.  When the going gets tough so does my attitude, my language, and my words.  I'm finding that when my world stinks this year to hunker down and start to praise God for the small stuff that surrounds me.  Praise pops that "plastic bag" of gloom, anger, and ridicule.  It causes a weight to be lifted in my mind, heart, and spirit.

This year has been spent in soul searching and reflection for me.  There have been moments that I felt like I was choking as I went through radiation, chemo, and financial insecurities.  What I've found is that praise pops that "plastic bag" of fear, insecurity, self loathing, and doubt. Instead of hyperventilating on the "plastic bag" I give praise. Praise fills my mind, spirit, and body with light that I breath into my life.

Hoping today that you pop the "plastic bag" that causes you to hyperventilate and choke through praise in the Lord.  Know there are no right or wrong ways to praise...just do it!

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• I've got the week off from chemo and just did blood work and a check in yesterday.  I'm still concerned about the pain that I'm experiencing, frequent bathroom trips, etc. I've been joking that chemo is my newbie "lifestyle choice".  Prayfully, the injections this round will be effective & efficient.  
• Our family was remarkably blessed with movie passes and went to see the newbie Star Wars movie on Christmas. 
• I've got two WOW (workshops on wheels) planned in the coming weeks for a preschool and daycare.  It is my thrill to get to share my love of art, being crafty, and teaching.  If you would like to know more or schedule one for your facility please let me know.
• I finished writing my parts of lesson plans for a newbie children's ministry curriculum this past week.  I love being able to design materials that will inspire a newbie generation of believers. Now I wait until the new year for another writing assignment from my group.
• This week I'm going through my Etsy stash and gifting coats to friends that work with a homeless ministry.  Scarves, texting gloves, and legwarmers to other cancer patients in the KC area.  And, finally, making plans for workshops in The Artroom that I would like to teach.  I'm praying on offering tutoring classes for students weekly and perhaps a monthly GNO (girls night out).  Please pray and dream with me.  
• This week I've got both the kids home from school and am enjoying "hoarding" them to myself.  Yesterday, we went to KC for me to do bloodwork, had lunch, and reconnected. They helped me fix some small stuff today around the house today.  And, tomorrow we will do the WOW (workshop on wheels) together.  

Unbelief is Our Only Limit

 One of the joys of a small town is during the holidays.  This week we had Santa come through neighborhoods riding on a fire truck.  When we got the paper this week there was a special section devoted to kid holiday art & letters to Santa.

I love the enthusiasm, trust, and merit that the kids placed in Santa.  I adore that they questioned him, requested what they wanted, and praised him for being, well, Santa. What if we as believers in Christ had that same enthusiasm, trust, and merit like kids do?  It made me think of John 14:12.^"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father". 
  
I've always loved this verse since I was a kid.  It made me feel powerful even though I was young and little.  It made me believe that God had remarkably made me and that adults should follow my lead. That "lead" as a kid would have meant walking to Dunkin Donuts for munchkin donuts each morning, then heading a couple of blocks up to the library for story time & to check out books.  Yeah, that is the mind of a childlike Sherry.  But, in reality, it was unquestioned faith, an enthusiasm to sing and praise Him, and trust Him above all others that the verse is talking about.

I adore the idea of writing letters to God with the same zeal, trust, and merit that kids do to Santa.  This year I've started writing a letter to God most mornings that holds praise, trusts him with my fears, and honors the provisions he makes for myself and my family. Generally, it takes less than thirty minutes but leaves me feeling unashamed, refreshed, and ready for the day.  

Because I've found my voice, contentment, and refreshment in writing these letters it was my goal to write each of my kids a letter and make them a journal. I started making their leather bound journals yesterday.  I find myself contemplating what to write to each of my kids and praising God that I never have to contemplate my convos with Him.  

Peace be with You- Sherry

Updates:

•  This week I had a steroid shot and did a consult over the newbie chemo and meds. I've learned that Imodium is my newbie friend over the past week.  I'll have my second chemo injection in January but daily take meds.  
• Bragger Believer Moment: we had a water pipe burst on Sunday and within an hour we had the water shut off , the pipe repaired by a friend, and a wet dry vac borrowed to clean up the mess.  It has allowed me to redefine my Etsy shop space and start to organize it better. Thankful for a God that shows up with provisions for our family.
• Last week I got confirmation that my Christmas request I gave my cancer counselor was going to happen. Our door frame has been broken over a year and my gift that I wanted was to have it repaired. Accessibility Remodeling came out yesterday and got the door frame replaced and a newbie door in its place.  
• We are planning a quiet Christmas at home this year and maybe a trip to the movies. This year cancer has taught our family to bond together rather than break & trust our heavenly Father which is gift in itself.

Prince Of Peace

"For unto us a Child shall be born, to us a Son shall be given. And, the government shall be upon His shoulder, And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace "  Isiah 9:6

"Ain't no rest for the wicked.  Money doesn't grow on trees.  I've got bills to pay, mouths to feed, ain't nothing in this life for free"...song lyrics but wowsies, so true in life.  We get so colluded in our own search to pay bills, keep our kids safe, and have some quality of life that we forget we are free. That is where the challenge starts.

The past couple of weeks I've been denying my freedom through Christ. I feel bound and gagged but my world.  Cancer is a fierce foe. I've got nodules in my stomach that were reduced with radiation and chemo but require further chemo and maintenance meds in order to keep them from growing or shrink them more. Sprinkle in the woes of borrowing a car to get to your doc appointments along with a dash of guilt over finances.  You've got a wicked recipe for self absorption.

No matter who you are or what your circumstances its easy to get caught up in self absorption.  Its so human to buckle under the pressure, get on a pity pot, and refuse to see any of the gracious goodness that God has blessed you with.  Some days you must praise for the small stuff and there are other more glorious days that you get to praise for the large.

 What I've forgotten to do this week is to praise God for either.  Instead, I've been a crabby kid filled with anxiety and turmoil.  On Tuesday I went to KC to start a newbie chemo plan that will hopefully stop the nodules from growing or spreading.  I paid the chemo for the month and in doing so over-drafted our bank account because I didn't check before I just did.  I was so focused on going, doing, and self absorption that I didn't think of the smalls like checking our bank account.  I didn't find until Ted walked in the door after work and asked me about it. By that time I was already feeling the physically bad and then the mental mind game started to flood my spirit.  I had failed my family to keep them financially safe.  Failed Ted that he doesn't even have gas money to get to work.  And, from there my self absorption grew, festered, and hurt.

Its Christmas time and I was reminded of the Isaiah 9:6. It promises that through Jesus we've got a  "wonderful counselor, mighty God, everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace".  I know this in my core.  I rely on my Heavenly Father to confide all my worries and fears to.  I know He is mighty creating provisions for me and my family.  I believe He is everlasting, omnipresent, and the light into this world.  But what I failed to remind myself is that He is the "Prince of Peace".  That means there is nothing worldly that we face that can not and will not be conquered by His peace when we beacon it.  It is a peace that covers all the anguish, guilt, sin, and fear that we face.  It is a peace that washes over us daily as a sweet release from the here in now.  It allows our hearts to be full, our minds at ease, and our bodies rest.

This year I've been learning what God's peace is all about.  Through radiation & chemo I may have cried but then felt a resolve that all was well.  Cancer has taken its toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally but I feel an inner peace.  A peace that allows me to joke that cancer is a worthy foe but something far greater is going to take me out.  Peace that crashes what the world throws in my path and does not allow me to be defeated.  But I have to beacon that peace for myself.  I have to call on Christ to bring "heaven on Earth"  for me and my family through his peace.  I have to trust in his peace to wash over each of us daily, allowing us to trust him, and give him control over our fears & hurts. 

Peace be with you

Updates:

1. Emily finished her finals this week.  She signed up for two classes for next semester. God is good.

2. We have been trying to save for a down payment on a friends car.  Since I overdrafted our account this week we are at square one of trying to save again.  It is bittersweet in trying to choose what we can afford ; chemo or transportation.

3. My birthday was Friday.  A friend gifted me with gas money for Ted for work for next week. Emily made my fav cake ; angel food confetti. I was crabby on Friday. Emily told me to stop it.  She shared that it was my birthday and a day to celebrate because she and Dale have a mom...love that girl for bringing perspective into my day.

4. Ted and I worked today on a budget and trying to handle the overdraft.  Its hard situation but we are determined to work it out together.  If you would like to help head to my Etsy shop, stop by the house to go through scarves, legwarmers, and texting gloves.  Any purchases will help me to afford chemo and then Ted can focus his checks on saving for a car for me. 

5. Dale and I are working with Blue and Daisy on commands so they can be tested as therapy pets. Over winter break if you have a child that would like to come and read to one of them that would be swell.  Please send me a message and we will work out a time.

6. Open Artroom is each Sunday from 3-6 pm.  Each Sunday there will be an art project that is appropriate for all ages.  This Sunday is a snowman made from an old spring.  The materials are provided & it is come and go as you wish.  We will have the "tip jar" out if you chose to donate to keep our community creative.

Revolver

I recently got a set of four Beatles drinking glasses and adore them.  The best was that one of them has the album cover for Revolver my fav Beatles album.  I told my fam that if they broke one of the other three it would be sad but I'd get over it but to not use the Revolver one because its my fav & if anyone breaks it I should be it....lol.

The whole idea of the word "revolver" tripped something in my mind over this past week.  My journal is filled with words describing being a "revolver" meaning someone that keeps having the same thing happen, doing the same, and never varying from the status quo.  I feel that after last week and still being a financial crunch, having cancer nodules...shrunk as they may in my stomach, and trying to figure out a solution to it all.  I also journaled that rather than being a "revolver" that God was creating me into a "evolver".  Evolving means changing yet keeping the some of the same characteristics. I tried to figure out how to share that and thought a revolving door was a great example.

Who knows what a revolving door is ? As I worked on writing this blog it came to mind that most doors are automated these days.  For those that don't know a revolving door is one that runs in a 360 degree pattern and that you gently push and walk its circular path to get inside or outside.

I've been working through some tough emotions this past week.  I've been a little over a month and half without chemo or meds that I need.  I've entrusted by filling out financial paperwork & being abundantly honest about what we can afford when it comes to treatment.  I say I'm blessed to have done what I can do and leave it to God to handle because I haven't a clue of how to make it work.

It feels like a revolving door of doom & gloom...yeah, I said that in my best Eeyore voice (you know the donkey from Winnie the Pooh).  I'm challenged daily to keep going.  Challenged to find the silver lining, the beacon of light, and to be the light to others through the darkness.

My one insight is when the revolving door of doom & gloom beacons for me to enter that God keeps that door revolving until I spot the light.  The light of the moment, the humor in the situation, or the grace laid before me.

This past week I was not a good light catcher.  I cried, whined, complained, and was snarky. I allowed sass to be my weapon of choice rather than grace.  Instead of remaining hopeful I let what physically challenged me to rule.  I chose to let the physical, emotional, and financial pains isolate me from my Heavenly Father rather than to draw me closer to Him.  Have you been there?  Have you walked through the revolving door and refused to push it or walk on?  Let the worlds darkness envelop, isolate, and abuse you?

Its an easy trap to get stuck in the revolving door and stay put and choose not to walk into the light. It's not comfy or calm but grueling and futile. I think so many times we feel stuck or trapped that we forget to walk.  It feels like life is at a stand still and so what do we do ...stand still.

What can we do? Deliberately and intuitively walk.  Within that walk start to give praise to your Heavenly Father for what you do have.  For me that would be Him who knows, loves, and created me. My kids who love their crazy hazy mom & steadfast hubby.  I also am blessed with a comfy bed my very own "therapy pets".  I adore that when I'm in KC through radiation, chemo, blood draws, scans, and more that the one thing that silences my fears is the idea of coming home.

Once all those praises come out you can see the light.  Sometimes the light is a sliver and sometimes it could blind you.  It doesn't matter you keep WALKING.  If you don't see a sliver of light after praise you keep WALKING.  The light may not be instantaneous for you to see but I guarantee that it is there waiting to erupt from the shadows, the murkiness, and the dark.

There is something satisfying to me within this blog. It brings solace to my soul which is still walking the revolving door.  My revolving door has me feeling within my body and spirit that I need to make choices about chemo meds soon. I've allowed the darkness to overshadow my light this past week because I've been bogged down with trying to meet my health care needs.  Rather than receiving God's natural light or His light from within myself I've put on sunglasses and kept walking the revolving door.  This blog has enlightened me to what I know which is ; WALK, praise, WALK, praise, WALK, praise, and keep me head up for the light to shine upon me.

May each of you keep walking, praising, and take a deep breath to see the light God has placed within you. Peace be with you- Sherry

UPDATES:

• Last week I got approval via the hospital for my mammogram but not my insurance company.  I waited most of Tuesday in KC to hear they had approval but the tech that was set to do my mammogram had left for the day.  They told me that I could come back in the morning at 7am to have it done and I said "no". I borrow a gal pal's car : 1. I wouldn't have a ride, 2. insurance won't cover the mammogram until my birthday, and 3. I was worn out physically and emotionally. I'm planning to do my mammogram on December 16, my birthday, to ensure that insurance will cover it.  
• I headed to another dispensary aka pharmacy this week to see what med costs would be and if I qualify for any additional financial aid via their hospital.  I should know within the next couple of weeks.  I contacted an agency for cancer patients to help pay for meds. They are sending me forms to fill out and told me that any determinations of assistance will be dealt with in January.
• Physically & emotionally this past week has taken a toll on me.  My bff nausea is back. From walking on Tuesday in KC my feet and ankles swelled so it was hard for me to get my shoes and socks off.  Ted and Emily wound up helping me. 
• Emily has a final in her lab tonight and then a final for her Anatomy & Physiology class next week.  Pray that God calms any test anxiety she may have & that she can focus.  She has started to drive again to class keep her in your prayers that she is safe behind the wheel.  
• Open Artroom continues to be open each Sunday from 3-6 pm.  Feel free to stop by, create, or just gab.  It will do wonders for your spirit and mine as well.  

Extraordinary Process

'

 "Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you should have always been" - David Bowie

Ahh-haa, moment.  Just take that quote in, digest it, ponder it, & then confront it.

How old is too old?  How young is too young?  And, at what point to do we wake up and realize that age is just a number.  Start to work together in cooperation rather than judgment.  How about leading with light & grace each morning rather than worry, regret, and fear.

Nostalgia has kicked in for me over the past week.  I seem to be reminded daily of my earthly dad who was my confidant & fixer.  In the last couple years of his life he really took God on full force.  He talked to everyone about God and fearlessly did so.  He took time daily to talk to my brother & I about God and how we need to bond with our Heavenly Father.  His words, "I won't always be here to fix your problems but God will.  He always has been and always will be here to love you. He'll be here to love you when I'm dead and gone".

My earthly dad always bragged on me.  He told me daily how smart, decisive, and capable I was.  He told me I was a beauty on the outside and inside with my ability to love & forgive freely.  In the last year of his life he became excessive in telling me all those things and how prayed that I would know God like he did before I was old like him.  "I can only imagine the impact you would make on the world and how God could use you.  You are smart, capable, and likeable, Sherry.  You could be a force to be reckoned with". 

In my early 20s I passed it off as my dad being a "Jesus Freak" and laughed at him with my brother. In reality it broke both our hearts to think of a world without our earthly father & made us uncomfortable to think our confidant & fixer would ever die. His death left a hole in my heart that only the grace, hope, and love of a Heavenly Father could fix.  My Heavenly Father took that hole and gave me empathy for others beyond what I knew before.  He filled my heart with love, encouragement, and light.

I'm now 40 something & have cancer.  I'm battling with my insurance company & drug companies for affordable chemo meds. I've got a mass on my left breast and have to wait for a mammogram to be covered by insurance.  Most days I could sink into the darkness that the world offers.  The negativity that tries to bury itself in your mind, heart, and soul.  It would be so easy to be all consumed, all angry, and well up in self pity and doubt.

For the past two weeks I've woke up early around 5 am and feel completely rested. I hear, ""I can only imagine the impact you would make on the world and how God could use you.  You are smart, capable, and likeable, Sherry.  You could be a force to be reckoned with".  I know it's not my dad talking to me but my Heavenly Father.  He is challenging me to wake up and get going.  He knows what I'm capable of.  He knows I'm; smart, decisive, capable, and likeable and wants to use me as his allie in this dark world.

Because I have cancer I realize that it is not going to be anything huge and world changing.  I do realize power in my actions that they may serve others to encourage, facilitate, and mentor their minds, hearts, and spirits.  I could be one of the small factors in cooperation with others that lights the dark world for the Lord.  The best part is how God shows off for me to inspire, encourage, and spur me on.

* Waking:  Up early I have time to praise God, confide my needs, and praise him again for his influence in my heart, mind, and soul.

*Listening:  I wake up and see its dark out and then check the clock to see its 5 am. There was no alarm that went off but my internal alarm is going off.  Instead of laying there to whine I've been getting up and then feel a sense of what I should do in my heart, mind, and spirit.

*Compulsion: Being compelled by your heart & mind into doing things. These are all things that I have the time, ability, and materials to create, do, and give.

*Provision: I'm finding that as the world darkens that I found a small ray of light and then start praising God for it which leads to a floodgate of light to shine.

Each of these serves as reference in the small, outstanding ways, that God can use, propel, and provide for each of us.

I love the Bowie quote because it speaks to my heart right now.  I realize what I should have been doing all along but it wasn't until 40 somethingness and cancer kicked in that I feel propelled to be who God designed me.  There was always a worry of what the world would think & fitting into the gaggle.  I love the idea of being the girl that my Earthly dad saw and my Heavenly Father created.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• Today is a city day filled with a consult aka check in, blood work, and I had hoped to get my mammogram done.  I'm still waiting to see if the mammogram is going to happen but am "provided" for as I had time to get lunch, relax, and finish blogging at Gildas Club just down the road from the clinic. 
• Open Artroom has been lively for almost a month.  It's once a week on Sundays from 3-6 where anyone can come use my materials, tools, and space at no cost.  If you know of a scout troop, dance troop, cheer team, sorority, school group or other group that would like to use my artroom please let me know and I'll reach out to them.  They can call me, schedule a visit, or book a time to come create at no cost.  If they would prefer to have a project available I would love to schedule a workshop for them.  
• This year I actually want to put up our Christmas tree.  If you are willing to help Emily carry up the tree from the garage and decorations let me know.  Also, we have greenery for above our garage doors and front door.  If you are willing to help Dale with it please let me know. 
• My birthday is December 16th and I would adore celebrating it with friends.  I'm praying on what that looks like and how to make it happen.  
• We are working on saving to purchase a car from a friend that will get me to KC and home safely and be reliable.  Another friend offered to help Dale fix the problems with Betsy Bravada over the next few months so that he will be able to use it as his first car.  God is good.

Hide & Seek

 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:13

Remember the story of Samuel that kept getting woke up in the middle of the night?  He kept checking with Eli because he heard his name being called. With Eli's help Samuel realized that it was God calling him and to learn to listen.

This year I have learned to silence the world, my own self, and just listen. Earlier this year through radiation and chemo I found myself discouraged.  I wasn't able to do the things that came normally because I was just physically unable.  I found myself confiding in my Heavenly Father, asking him to wake up and feel well enough to take my son to school, do a load of laundry, or even dare to go to my artroom.  And, I heard nothing. 

Physically it became harder and harder.  I became discouraged because my confidant, my Heavenly Father, wasn't moving my mountain.  Instead he was quiet, silent, and resolved.  It wasn't that I didn't feel at peace and know He was in control I did.  One of my joys daily is to see the smalls that God places in my life and I was blocked by a cocktail of chemo and radiation.  My days were filled with waking up, getting sick, resting, sleeping some more, and getting sick.  There is no joy in that.  To have your daughter take the car keys and say, "let's just get you in the car.  I'll drive" discouraged me rather than encourage me that God gifted me with a dynamic kid that was by my side 100%. Where was the freedom, joy, and longing to glow for God in it all?

I found myself being a crabby kid that was mad at her Heavenly Father for not swooping in to save the day.  I gave thanks for the smalls; my daughter, my son, my hubby, transportation to get to the clinic, ice water, oatmeal baths and my quirky sense of humor that helped me laugh when it would have been easier to cry.  But still I felt a distance from my Heavenly Father like I had never known. Then something changed.  I went to journal at the Kemper Museum before a chemo.  I was tired, worn, and had cried to have to go to the clinic again.  My world where I see the light was turning into a darkness that I was creating because of my heart, mind, and spirit had blinders.

That morning I poured my discouragement out onto the page.  It was filled with ramblings, complaints of not being able to do what comes normally & longing for freedom.  At the heart of the darkness was my longing to hear from God, be overwhelmed by His peace, and shine for Him to others.  The need to say if I can do this you can do it because God is present...but it seemed like he wasn't.

The page became flooded with anger at God over being silent.  I get that there are other more pressing things in the world but wasn't I the daughter that you loved & created? Shouldn't I at the very least get something for that? The next flow in my journal "Stay Silent" & then I started to define it with Gods help.  "Stay Silent" meant when I am silent you are silent.  When I am silent you rest.  When I am silent you take care of yourself and do the chemo, radiation, and whatever else.  And, then you are silent and rest.  It occurred to me that God couldn't use me as his light in the ways that I know because I was just too physically, emotionally, and mentally taxed.  He was gifting me with time to rest, sleep, and do what I needed to do in order to become whole again.  He didn't leave me he simply said, "stay silent". " The things I have planned for you are great. I'll use you but you need to be healthy, rested, and have a solace in knowing I am God".  

So, this summer when I started radiation again in the heat & chemo I found peace in my heart.  When my mouth was filled with blisters and my throat swelled so I couldn't talk I wrote in my journal and praised God for "staying silent".  I had two of my worst days this summer but felt an inner hope in both that God would see me through.  I learned about having resolve.  All the things that I say to others had to come to fruition for me.  God challenged me in ways I can't comprehend this year.  Some things there are no words for only tears of pain, hurt, and grace.

My challenge to you this week is when you feel God is silent to take time to evaluate.  Time to assess your situation, lay it all out and relentlessly gift it to God, and then stay silent. Silence brings time for you to rest and endure what the world is throwing your way.  Grace will see you through the silence because it is building you up for something far greater than you can imagine.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• I went to the oncologist this week.  I found out that the nodules that are in my stomach have been reduced in size through the radiation & chemo. We discussed what comes next, talked openly about finances, and what I can afford.  My insurance will cover only the meds that I was given last year which did not work so they are out.  They have two options: 1. a weekly shot & oral med that would cost $280 a week or two oral meds that will cost $220 weekly.  I shared that I thought of looking into homeopathic plan and for once my doc said that it was an option.  I also need to have a mammogram and sonogram because of a lump in my left breast.  Insurance will not cover it until December.  I wrote a formal appeal with the insurance company with a social worker at the hospital yesterday about the tests and the meds. My doc & his office are also going to make appeals to the insurance company to see if they can get the tests done sooner and see if they would cover either of the med plans. I'm hopeful within the next two weeks I'll have answers.  
• Open Artroom has happened twice this month.  It is a freebie to my community to come to my creative space to create, gab, and hang out.  You can have free space, materials, and use my tools.  I have a tip jar out that you can donate to help keep Open Artroom happening.  Open Artroom is Sunday afternoons from 3-6.  Please share & stop by.  
• I worked creatively each day this week....God is good!  I'm working a series of work inspired from the words peace, love, and understanding.  
• We are working on saving for a down payment on a car for me.  A gal pal graciously offered to sell her car to me and it will bless my world.  Thankful for her gracious offer & the hope of having reliable transportation to get me to KC.
• A friend is going to take on trying to fix Betsy Bravada with Dale as a project.  It is our hope that the work will go swiftly and easily as they work to replace the ball joints and then the radiator.  Feel free to pray for them as well.  Betsy would then be gifted to Dale for his first car.  

Run Across

Wowsies, its been a long time since I blogged!  Truth be told I haven't felt well enough for a while to sit, meditate, pray, and then blog. The chemo round that I did this summer completely wiped me out mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was plagued with mouth sores, a swollen throat, and the inability to talk beyond a whisper.  It was harder than the first rounds & challenged not only my body but my spirit.

This week I ventured back to my oncologist this week for a consult & to file financial assistance paperwork for drug companies along with blood work and a scan.  I found out that I need to check in with my primary doc in order to have him sign the referrals needed so I can see my oncologist and run tests.  And, lo and behold I can't get in for two weeks. It is never a dull moment, right?

I also stopped into a thrift shop down in the city to just gander around and digress from my day.  That's where I ran across a copy of The Creative Call by Janice Elsheimer.  Here's the description from the back cover " our creativity was meant to be used.  Whether you are an artist who has already identified your gifts or you have artistic talent that has never been developed.. The Creative Call will help you grow closer to becoming the person God designed you to be".

That was a total God moment for me.  There was no way that I just "ran across" this book, took time to read the back cover, and paid fifty cents for it.  You see this summer was rough on me physically because of the chemo that gave me lots of time with my bff nausea.  I also have been plagued with sores in my mouth and throat and loss of my voice more days than I care to count.  I also mourned the loss of time in my artroom to create.  I mourned not opening my artroom up to my community this summer and most the loss of the laughs & joy that stem from creativity happening in the artroom.

This month I finished the chemo round.  They told me what comes next and what oral chemo meds they want to use.  After receiving financial aid for the meds it was going to cost me $500 a week for the meds.  My Besty Bravada started to overheat last week.  I took it to the shop & found out that the repairs she needs are beyond what I can afford.  That flowed me into a weekend pity party. I felt totally out of control.  I couldn't afford the chemo meds and I couldn't afford the labor intensive work that needs to be done to my car.  The worst part was that it made me miss my dad.  He was my confidant & my "fixer" of all the wrongs in my world.  If I needed my car fixed he did it, someone hurt my feelings he listened to me, and if I needed money for chemo meds he would have made sure they were paid for.  But, I lost my dad over 20 years ago and in that moment all the pain became brand new.

I literally wept in my driveway with my kids holding onto me and praying over me.  I realized that I no longer had an earthly dad that would take care of my needs but I had a Heavenly Father that would and always had.  It was bittersweet to talk to God and tell him how sorry I was.  That I was being irrational and a brat.  I praised Him for guiding my path and allowing me to live in confidence that He would take care of transportation, cost for chemo meds, and any other curves the world throws at me. 

I realized that God is pressing me to be who I'm designed to be.  I always tell others that they can pretty much have anything that I have because its all just material stuff.  The situation with my Betsy Bravada causes me to back up those words "its all material stuff" & to recognize that my Heavenly Father has a plan for transportation for me even if I don't have a clue.

I also spent some time mulling over & praying about my artroom.  I rarely use it and when I do it is an all day love affair.  I prayed over opening on Sunday afternoons for a few hours for Open Artroom.  Open Artroom is when you come over, have a creative space, can use any and all of my supplies, and just feel free to gab, meet with friends, and work creatively.  It wouldn't require anything more from me than to life the garage doors and be a hostess....I kinda dig that idea.

Hope that you "run across" something, someone, or an idea that inspires you & requires you to think outside the box.  I hope that it causes you to re-think what you know & consider a new perspective that is what our Heavenly Father intends. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• The Artroom will open on Sunday afternoons from 3-5 pm. It is a my creative space that has oodles of supplies.  We've also made a smallish coffee bar area & have a small frig if you bring a snack or drink that needs refrigeration.  It is also available by appointment.  If you have a Christmas project you need to work on my artroom is yours....just ask.

• My Betsy Bravada was a hard one for me.  Its been my car for 16 years.  Its kept the kids & I safe.  And, it did its final job in allowing me freedom to go through cancer, radiation, and chemo.  It has a cracked radiator and the ball joints are gone.  The repairs are costly because of the ball joints are labor intensive.  The part that makes me sad is that I had the total heating and cooling system replaced this summer in her and I was hoping to gift her to Dale as his first car to get him to school, youth group, and home. 

• My latest endeavor is selling vintage clothing and accessories via Etsy.  I have for the past 8 years but never really took that component of my Mamasunbear2 too seriously.  This year I've been challenged financially & haven't been able to work creatively freely.  What happened is that grace took over, my fashion passion, and some research.  I've launched a new genre of creativity for me that doesn't require me to work physically hard like re-doing furniture.  It does require me to use my love of fashion, my know how of marketing, and to creatively take pics & use social media.  All those things can be done in my pajamas or while resting.  Feel free to find me on Etsy, Instagram, or FB.  And, if you are looking for some vintage fashion come shop in my garage. I love that God guides me to do things that I know, love, and am capable of.
• I contacted my gal pals that I was writing curriculum with last year.  I took time off this year but felt compelled to get a hold of them this week.  They have a couple of smallish things that I can help write so I feel productive, can use my love of teaching, and share God's love.
• I was contacted about painting sets for the local community theatre.  I have accepted their challenge to paint windows for "A Christmas Carol" and am looking forward to working on the logistics & having Dale and Emily help me.  

So Long Old Friend

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult on me physically.  I've been not only doing radiation but started chemo infusions as well.  I felt like I had a good grip on what was going to happen, how I would feel, and I actually felt at peace about it.  Tuesday this week was the worst for me physically because I couldn't stop the nausea with any amount of ice water, meditation, or cold wash clothes for my head.  I literally had no control and had to bear down and ask God for mercy. I'd like to say that made the pounding headache & vomiting stop but it did not but I did feel a sense of calm.

When I got home Tuesday night Tedster confronted me over forgetting to lock our front door and I literally was at a loss to even apologize.  All I wanted to do is zombie shuffle up to my room and just climb into bed and ride the nausea. I wound up mumbling the words "so long" and going to bed. Those are my whines for the week thanks for reading up on them.

Now to my actual blogging for the week.  I wrote in my journal about defining the words "so long".  "So Long" can mean a goodbye see you soon kind of comment or can be a measurement of time, distance.  Like the trip to KC was "so long" this week or having to wait for radiation this was "so long" because I was late to my appointment and they had to fit me in.

 "So Long" are two words that can be scientific, mathematical, or whiny, right?  But what if you thought of the words "so long" being said by our Heavenly Father.  That is my perspective as I write today.  I think that for myself and so many others we come to our Heavenly Father when we are at our worst, am I right?  Or we worship, praise, and seek his forgiveness on Sunday mornings but as soon as Monday rolls around we are like, "so long God I've gotta handle my world now". Ouch, right? But when we come to our Heavenly Father in prayer, praise, or need O imagine JC (that would be Jesus Christ" saying "I've been waiting for you for so long" and He is excited to hear from us.

I can say that honestly that has been my relationship with JC for years. Within the past few years that relationship has been changing and evolving. I've literally prayed to God to let me radiate Him through my words and actions. It struck me this week in my journal that I prayed let me "radiate" your love God and am literally going through radiation right now.

Through radiation and chemo I've had to be in self preservation mode this year and that has meant not being as social or hanging out with my friends like in the past.  I mourn the loss of my interpersonal relationships and the closeness I once had with people. That being said I started a list today of my friends and it was "so long".  But the friend at the top of the list, the one that carries all my worries, burdens, celebrates my joys is my Heavenly Father.

I've learned to talk openly and honestly throughout my day with Christ and that excites me. I talk with him in the parking garage before going into the clinic. I've laughed with Him when I took on radiation like it was going to the tanning booth.  And, yeah, He gets my crazy sense of humor.  He's been steadfast, loyal, and provided the peace that I needed to make it through chemo infusions, nausea, and feeling like I'm losing myself.  I truly feel at peace throughout the day because He has waited for "so long" to have me love, value, and confide in Him daily.

This week I want to close out my blog with a prayer that I wrote in my journal on Tuesday as I sat waiting to get fitted into the radiation schedule.  I would hope it would inspire you and help in your journey with Christ who has waited "so long" for you.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I love that I don't know or comprehend what is happening.  I love that I don't feel defeated but blessed by a Father that guides & embraces me for who I am.  Do you know how outstanding it is to say I will not be defeated because God's got this and He will not allow or encourage me to feel defeated.  Thank you Heavenly Father for a premise and purpose that is uniquely mine.  Thank you for letting me take steps to be healthy, free, and competent.  I'm thrilled with the glimmer of light that you bestow on me that allows me to be a light that radiates your love into the world.  I praise you for my salvation and your steadfast love that has waited so long for me".

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates :

• I head to KC tomorrow for a doctor consult regarding my scan from Tuesday.  I will have my last radiation.  I will also have a chemo infusion and those will be three times a week until the end of August. 
• Longview called today and I found out the extent of what parts they need to replace for Betsy Bravada to run again.  She needs an actuator, climate control switch, condenser, and a bunch of other small parts that help the condenser to function.  The total cost is $700.  We are working on saving to pay for the repairs & prayfully should have enough in August.  
• I'm so thankful for the car that my friend, Sandy, has loaned to me twice a week to get me to KC. The air conditioning is awesome in her car.  I shared with her that all radiation & chemo patients deserve to ride in a car that can pump air conditioning like hers.
• Next week I'm going for an interview with Kelly Services so that I can substitute teach this fall.  I've prayed about working again and subbing seems like the best solution.  I have to get a substitute teacher certificate.  Say a prayer that I can get my resume together this weekend, watch all the instructional videos, and have a great interview.  
• Emily met with Voc Rehab this week about her skill assessment.  She talked with Tina about going into teaching or counseling for kids.  She shared with me that her assessment showed that she was strong in fields that dealt with compassion, mentoring, and helping others.  Please continue to pray for Em regarding her seizures and her future plans.

Joy Robber

This past week I've spent some much needed time just talking to God daily & thanking him for the remarkable journey that I'm on.  I mention this because over the weekend my hubby shared with me that he feels no joy in the world.  He says that it is the same day in and day out and it is always tough, demanding, and negative.

Can you relate to my hubby?  If so I'm hoping that you have a friend or family member to confide in right now.  Life is tough right now for our family ; Ted is the sole earner for our fam, we have a car that is in the shop getting fixed, a daughter with a seizure disorder, a son that is learning to drive, and I've got cancer.

I was impacted by Ted's words because I think that the world in general seems to be lacking joy.  Look at the news reports, friends posts on social media, and the negativity that seems to flow.  It does make it hard to stay positive, see the good, and keep one's faith.

The beauty in every situation is through our salvation through Christ as believers.  With that salvation we have the ultimate confidant, counselor, and savior in our Heavenly Father.  I go to Him daily and talk with him about my life, fears, and hurts and give it all away.  I then ask my Heavenly Father for His mercy and grace to get through each moment of the day so that I can radiate his love and that others feel it through me.

This past weekend I was taken back to times in our marriage of change, fear, and distraught.  I remember that God's grace and mercy was a part of our lives and thanking Him daily for it.  I also remembered that when things are the worst Ted & I come together to pray away the doubts, losses, and fears. And, I remembered that I'm a wife and need to pray daily for my hubby that God's grace and mercy be with Ted each step of his day that God be radiated through Ted to others.

I want to encourage each of you this week that when you feel fear, loss, or negativity surround you that you reach out to your Heavenly Father.  Have an open & honest dialogue with your savior and ask for his mercy and peace to sustain you.  Don't know the Lord or fear that he has forsaken you?  Fear not, you are loved by a Heavenly Father that never has left your side and desires to be your best confidant.  He loves and cares for you....all you have to do is ask Him into your life.  If you need someone to pray with you feel free to contact me I would be honored to pray with you.

Peace be with you -Sherry

Updates:

• I got a call this week about my car & they located the part via Ebay....God is good.  I'm hoping by the end of the month to have my car back and working. God is good. 
• Yesterday, I went to KC, to have double radiation and an infusion.  It was a tough day physically for me and I had a few pit stops to get sick on the way home.  My precious blessing was my friend that lent me her car to get me there and back.  The air conditioning in her car was remarkable & refreshing. All I could think of in the car ride was how blessed I was it be in the air conditioning on the ride to and from KC.  God is good.
• I love seeing God working in my kids lives.  On Tuesday afternoons Emily helps at the kids support group at Gilda's Club.  The kids made books yesterday about their lives.  As Emily was cleaning up she heard one of the little boys that she is assigned to start to cry and be inconsolable by the leaders.  She stopped cleaning and picked him up, hugged him, and told him it was all going to be all right.  He asked her how she knew it was going to be all right since his dads cancer was getting worse. Emily shared with him about her faith and that even though things are messed up and the people they love are sick God has a purpose for her and for him so they have to keep going.  I love that God's light radiated through Emily...God is good.
• Dale got his driver's permit on Friday.  My blessing is that Emily has been taking him to the high school and helping to teach him to drive....God is good.

Mom Up

We've all heard the phrase "man up".  It generally means to push through the difficult situation.  Yesterday, as I was waiting for radiation and writing in my journal I thought up the phrase "Mom Up" and tried to define what that means.  Here's what I've got to share.

"Mom Up" means as a mother you take on full responsibility for your child or children.  Responsibility is everything from changing their diapers, signing their report cards, to sending them off to college.  There are many circumstances through your child or children's lives that you will feel weak, defeated, infuriated, or judged.  What you have to do at those times is known as "Mom Up".  The world is a cold, harsh, and calculating and it throws moms off their game.  It is sometimes easy to be consumed about a unexpected bill, car repair, or illness but as a mom you have to take on all those things and so much more and "Mom Up".

This season of my life I'm facing cancer, bills up the wazoo, and the inability to make it all work.  I've seriously never felt so inept as a mom. I was once that mom that nothing got her down....what didn't work made her stronger, and the love of the Lord and her kids kept her going.

I felt over the weekend my own failure to "Mom Up" after going through our finances, making a budget, and seeing a stack of bills that needed a mama to call, write, and pursue.  But that mama has been out of it, sleeping lots, taking meds that phase her out, and relying on her family more than ever.  Well, yesterday, as I sat waiting for radiation and an infusion following I thought, "Geez, Sherry, take control, stop whining, stop the bleeding heart crap and just get it going....Mom Up already!".  Yeah, it could be the radiation & chemo talking but in reality it is my mom heart that is pounding.

Today, this is what I did. I swept the floors in the kitchen and made a big old pitcher of sweet tea for the kids.  Next, I gathered a handful of bills & headed to my laptop with a large glass of ice water for my throat & mouth that has blisters.  And, I started to make a handful of calls that weren't fun...but I did them.  I then wrote two letters to creditors explaining my situation and asking for their help in providing a equitable payment plan.  I took a deep breath and asked the kids to take the letters to the mailbox.  Now, I'm taking a deep breath and thanking God for the ability to "Mom Up" today and take care of things.  Here's my simple prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father: thank you for the ability to rest in this morning and get up and get dressed.  Thank you for giving me kitchen floors that needed to be swept and for allowing me the ability to do it.  I praise you for being with me to choose words that are appropriate and with valor for all that I spoke.  I thank you for allowing me to think clearly for the hour that it took to write two letters to creditors and believe that you will help me to get a solution to them.  I seek you in all that I am and could ever be because you made me to be smart, articulate, creative, and a Mom.  Thank you Heavenly Father for allowing me the blessing to "Mom Up" today and take care of the precious people that you blessed me with.  Amen.

May you find the strength, dignity, and self control that you need to get you through this week and what the world sends your way.  May God give you the strength to "Mom Up", "Parent Up", or "Self Up" for all your needs this week.  I know that you can through Christ that strengthens and protects each of us.

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• I currently need a $100 each week for the chemo infusions that will last through August.  If you would like to donate or help with that please let me know.  I'm having to "Mom Up" and realize that I will need financial help to get through this and ensure that our family's needs are met.
• I've got blisters on my stomach and in my mouth from the radiation and infusions which are driving me bonkers. I was in KC yesterday and literally felt like crying from the heat because it made my skin so itchy and my body so tired.  I was blessed to have Em & Dale with me to cause me to "Mom Up" and keep it together.  Emily took the car keys downtown and told me to get in the jeep and rest that she had it.  Thanking God for the gift of my kiddos and Em's ability to drive.
• It is my "Mom Up" goal to take Dale to take his driving permit test on Friday.  I'm hoping he can pass and that I'll be able to take & teach him to drive into & home from KC this summer.  
• On Tuesday Emily took a basket of creative loot and monsters that we made into Gilda's Club so the kids that she works with could make "worry eaters" from them.  It blessed my heart to see Emily working with the kids and that they were so enthused by making the monsters.  
• Finally, we'll need to borrow a car on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of next week to make to KC.  If you are willing to loan us your car for the day let us know.  Those are the days for radiation and infusions next week.

There Is No Crying In Baseball

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.  Psalm 51:12


While driving into KC today I got overwhelmed at the "hot mess" that cancer has made me.  I pulled into the parking garage and started to cry.  As I started up the row of cars looking for a space I thought of the scene from A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says, "There's no crying in baseball" and I literally laughed out loud, wiped the tears from my face, parked & walked to the elevators. 

That movie memory got me thinking about cancer and how the cancer experience is a lot like baseball.  Here's some of my rationale:

1. Striking Out : Cancer is like an opposing team that wants you to "strike out", to not make it, to give in to its misery, and succumb to it. 

2.Rally : Each day you rally yourself aka your team from the tips of your toes to the top of your head to persevere, keep going, and win.

3. Bases Loaded: From your initial diagnosis of cancer, complications, expenses, and heartache you literally feel emotionally that your bases are loaded.  You pray that God will find a batter aka treatment plan that kills off the cancer cells and allows you to go home rather than be in the hospital.

4. Wild Card Status: There are so many side effects to cancer ; physical, emotional, and financial that it all seems overwhelming.  It causes you to not be yourself, seek self preservation first and foremost, and really brings out a wild streak of emotions, words, and actions.

5. Seventh Inning Stretch: At a baseball game it rolls around to the seventh inning stretch and what do you do?  You stretch.  Cancer takes you on a wild ride that stretches you both mentally and physically beyond what you believe you can do.

6. Keeping Score: In baseball they are detailed with how many strikes, balls, hits, and runs that are made.  With cancer you keep track of how many scans, radiations, chemos, and infusions you have.

7. Home Run:  Everyone loves to see someone knock it outta the park and cheer.  Each time that you go to the oncologist, seek treatment, and persevere you are hitting a home run.  

That was a synopsis of what I wrote in my journal this morning before my consultation.  I found out today that my scan still showed the cysts are in my stomach and the formation of an ulcer.  My doctor reminded me again the importance of rest and learning to relax. I shared with him about feeling like my stomach was on fire over the weekend and that it literally felt like it was burning.  I told him about the hives that I feel in my throat and mouth.  He checked me out and I've got sores in my mouth and blisters on my skin.  All those things are par the course with radiation, meds, and infusions.  He told me to take benedryl, gave me a prescription for some meds to ease my pain, and told me to use Aqua 4 Advanced Healing on my skin to help with the blisters.  He also had the nurse give me a list of other small stuff that I can get over the counter to help with the blisters in my mouth. He continues to feel like the radiation with the medication and infusions are a must for my treatment plan.  And, I survived a double dose of radiation today, and an infusion.

Each time I go to the clinic I try to park the car myself and walk to the elevators rather than use the valet service.  It is something small that I do to prove to myself that I've got control and am fierce in this world.  After the second radiation was done I rested and left once I felt like I could.  I felt a little foggy but thought shoot who wouldn't after what I've done today.  As I was walking into the parking garage I realized that I had no idea of where I parked the car or what kind of car I drove.  I wandered around and saw a white SUV that I thought was Betsy Bravada and when I got to it I realized it wasn't my car and remembered Betsy Bravada was in the shop.  I started walking back to the elevators and saw a blue jeep and literally opened the door and started to get in when I realized it didn't have a top on it and was a wrangler not our Jeep Liberty.  Afterwards, I went back to the elevators and went back inside the hospital and asked the security guard to help me.  I told them I had radiation and an infusion today and couldn't find my car.  The gal was super nice and told me to take a seat and wait inside.  Between she and the valet they took my keys and found the jeep.  The valet even drove it to curb for me.  They told me to just use the valet next time and not to worry about it. 

I took time to pray before heading home for my blessings of the day, for God filling my spirit with faith that is like the air that I breath.  And, I asked for him to keep me safe on the road home.  I made it home, the kids walked me inside, and got my meds for me.  Like in baseball there were some tears shed today but I persevered and made it home....God is good.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

I shared via Facebook today that I'm feeling overwhelmed and need help to take care of some small stuff this week.  Here's a list of stuff.  Feel free to call or text Ted or Emily if you can help.  As for me I'm going to take my doc's advice and rest.

• I need to renew the plates on our Jeep which expire this month.  I got the inspection done today and have the renewal form and the rest of the paperwork.  I need someone to go to the DMV in Lee's Summit for us and pay for the tags.  The cost is $55 for two year tags or around $30 for one year....either would be remarkable.  
• Our weed trimmer broke a couple of weeks ago.  If you have one we could borrow once a week for a while let us know.
• We need gas money for Ted (to get him to work) and for me (to get me into KC) this coming week.  If you would want to get us a gas card or drop off gas money let us know. 
• Pharmacy Needs (all of them are over the counter): Aqua 4 Advanced Healing cream which comes in a tub for the blisters on my skin from radiation.  For the blisters in my mouth I can use Orajel.  And, they want me to mix : xylocaine viscous solution, Zovirax, and Mylanta.  I need all three of those so I can mix them for my mouth to help with the pain.
• Personal Needs for Sherry:  a bar of Bert's Bees Baby Soap, some T-gel shampoo, Aveeno Oatmeal Bath, and some new socks. 
• We got a bill for Emily's classes this fall for $116 which is what her scholarships don't cover.  If you need a babysitter, house cleaner, etc. please let her know so she can pay her bill by July 16.
• I continue to thank God daily for his peace over what I'm going through and what my family is.  I'm thankful to each of you for your prayers and encouragement.  

Reliable Reaasurance

Have you ever felt the reassured that things are going to be all right?  Maybe it was through a letter, a phone call, or just a feeling in the pit of your stomach.  I can honestly say that has happened a zillion times in my lifetime.  Things are a mess and then something small happens and you just know its gonna be all right. 

The sense of stability, my own know how, and capabilities are being put to the test this year.  Not only with my battle with cancer but within our own family.  There seems to be a presence that is unsettling, relentless in its pursuit, and that I can't define.  This week I took a step back to reflect, meditate, and ask God what gives.

What I heard was the stillness & peace.  The kind of peace that comes into your heart, radiates through your body and just leaves you with warmth.  I asked God again "what is going on" within our home and again there was the stillness and peace.  As a talkative chick I just couldn't let it rest.  I had to have words to put with it and a reassurance in words that all was going to be all right.  Know what I got?  Stillness and peace. 

This morning I went to write in my journal and wrote the lyrics to an old Julian Lennon song that I used to love , Let Me Be.  It wasn't so much in the journaling of old song lyrics but the message I felt it bring to my heart.  "Some people say that your going away but I've been assured that your going to stay so please let me be".  Then it hit me.  This year I've been withdrawn and just wished at times to be alone.

After writing the lyrics in my journal I again felt stillness and peace.  I again took time to reflect and meditate on my life and circumstances.  I again gave God praise for sticking beside me when I would rather say "just let me be".

Today, I head back to KC to continue radiation treatments. That is my task this week and then they will do a scan later this week to see if the radiation is helping.  I love that God leads me to connect the dots to my own questions, that he uses music as a guide, and past experiences to inspire me.  All that being said I'm thankful for the serenity of stillness & peace in this season of my life that feels everything but quiet and peaceful. 

It is in my prayers that most of you can see through God's silent times and find that in reality he was there all along.  Find that His stillness & peace can crash into your chaotic circumstances and leave you with an overwhelming sense of calm.

Hoping that each of you are able to weather through the storms that you face in life.  That when you don't hear God you don't hear abandonment by your Heavenly Father but the stillness & peace that he is gifting to you through your storm.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• Dale returned from south Dakota on Saturday.  My son who is always quiet was full of tales to tell us and we stayed up until 11 just to hear them.  He saw what extreme poverty looks like and really connected with the kids & community he served. If you get a chance to ask Dale about his trip do it....and leave some time for him to share.
• Emily is headed back to Gilda's Club this afternoon to work with the preschoolers in their kids program.  The counselor that is charge of the program came and talked to me last week and told me how remarkable Emily is and what an asset to the program....love that.
• My broken foot is healing and my oncologist was not impressed by it what so ever.  I told him that if I can have a sense of humor about it he needs to too....needless to say I'm still waiting for him to crack a smile. 
• Finally, thanks to each of you for your prayers & kind words.  

Let It Rain

 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people.  Titus 2:11





This week has been a bounty of the old saying "when it rains it pours". Since last week with my cancer doc and hearing that they want me to be "radiant" again I've been heart sick & found solace in being by myself & pouring all the needs of myself & my fam unto the Lord. I told Him that He can move mountains and in reality my probs are just anthills in comparison to His power & I left it to God.

 I went and sought assistance for our bills this week and was crushed when the agencies called to say that we made to much or didn't fit their qualifications for a fam in need. We took my Betsy Bravada to a shop which diagnosed why she is running the heat full force & overheats. It is an actuator switch that has went out which means the steering column has to come out & the labor alone is almost $900. There is the rain for my week & it had me sobbing.  

What I didn't realize was that the true rain was coming.  A friend offered up their extra car for Ted to use to get him to work and home.  That leaves me with the air conditioned Jeep.   Gilda's Club found that they repair cars at Longview Community College in their mechanic program & are looking for cars with air conditioning problems for this summer session.  I called, talked to Dave & he acted like an actuator switch is no biggie.  He is going to meet with the instructors this week to see if one will take on my Betsy Bravada.  And, the cost is about $50-100 for a lab fee and any parts they need.  The rain God is bringing went from a drizzle to a downpour.

Over the week I've had gal pals that sought me out to tell me they want to help me get to radiation. They are willing to drive with me, sit with me, and shelter me through the storm.  It was a reminder of the friendships that I have had & still do through Christ.  

Friday my kids reminded me of what awesome people they are and have become.  Dale & I had a great heart to heart talk as we were packing up his stuff for his mission trip.  I told him that I've always known that God was going to do great things with him because of his compassion, empathy, and ability to serve God unconditionally.  Dale shared that it was because he had a great mom that was all those things and more.  I had to sing some praise to God for gifted me with Dale & his remarkable ability to move my heart with his words.  

Emily went to KC on Saturday to help with kids program at Gilda's Club.  Tedster & I stayed at the clubhouse to help & make sure we were there in case Emily would have a seizure.  We sat in the back of the all purpose room and watched Emily at work with the kids, reassuring the little girl whose mom left to go the parent meeting, partnering up with the preschool boy who just wanted to use red paint because it was his moms fav, and listening to those kids & making a connection.  It was an awesome privilege to see Emily do all those "teacher like" things that are in my wheel house but I never saw so clearly that they were a part of her as well.  I was thankful to be there to clean up the project so she & the other adults could take the kids to the "kids clubhouse" and just have fun.   I never thought I would say that I was blessed to clean up & be a grown up but I was yesterday.

This week I've got a few "to dos" to get done and then have a consult with my cancer doctor on Thursday.  I'm praying and speaking to God about getting the meds approved and sent to KC this week so I don't have to face doing radiation again.  I've got confidence back in my step that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me it just took me a couple of weeks to get there and some "rain" from the Lord.     

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• Emily got her scholarship for $1,000 per semester renewed through Voc Rehab this week.  She is in the process of doing an online evaluation to see what her interests are & to help her in seeking what she should do as a career.  She did great at the kids kickoff at Gilda's Club and is looking forward to heading back this coming Tuesday....God is good!
• Dale got to South Dakota yesterday safely....God is good!  He took his loots along with 5 soccer balls & 20 coloring books to leave with the kids at the reservation.  I pray that God keeps him safe & used him as a tool to lead other kids to Christ & compassion for others. 
• I told my kids this year that I'm determined to get rid of cancer & feel better.  I joked that I'm going to get a bike with a basket so I can ride & put Duke, my little terrier, in the basket.  This week a friend blessed me with a bright blue bike with a basket & drink holder.  Em & Ted are gonna go fill her tires today so she & I can do one bike ride this week around the block this week on a cool evening....God is good!

No Is A Sufficient Answer

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

When I was a kid my dad used to tell me "no".  When I would question what "no" meant he would say that "no" is a sufficient answer.  Hhhmmm.....yeah, that lacks explanation, right?  But as I grew up I saw circumstances and times where "no" should have been a sufficient answer.  Have you seen those moments as well? 

This week has been a challenge to me...shoot, if I'm honest this year has been a challenge for me.  Instead of saying "no" to radiation, infusions, bills that pile up, and a car that doesn't run right I said, "yes" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even though radiation has made my skin itchy when I get warm I choose to say, " You betcha I got this because God's got me".  My post yesterday on Facebook was that it was "gonna be a greeeeaaaattt day" because if you send postivity into the world you are destined to have it come back to you.

Yesterday, the kiddos & I headed into KC with Ted early birdy to drop him off at work and then take our Jeep (because it has air conditioning) into KC to plant a fairy garden at Gilda's Club, for me to check in with my docotr & get bloodwork drawn, and to attend support group.  The phrase easier said than done describes yesterday perfectly.

We hit the road later than Ted would have liked which stressed him out and led to an argument in the car over finances. I was early for my doctor's appointment so we headed to Gilda's Club to plant the fairy garden in the bright sunshine.  I stayed to help the kiddos and got sweaty and super duper itchy.  My skin isn't the same since radiation but I was thankful to have the Jeep to ride in that has air conditioning.  I trooped to my doctor's appointment where I found that I had forgot my insurance card....geez, it is the same card as I always carry couldn't they just copy the copy from two weeks ago?  The answer was "no" they would need me to fax a copy of the card or bring it in today.  I got my bloodwork drawn and waited to consult with my doctor.  I've been hopeful that the cancerous tumors that they see in my stomach are not going to grow & that the drug companies will approve meds for me since my insurance will not.  The doctor came in and told me that she had some good news for me & I was sure that my "grrreeeeeaaat" energy I sent out to the world was going to come back to me.

She shared that the insurance company had approved radiation as a treatment plan and they would like to schedule radiation for Monday.  All I could do is sit there and sob when I wanted to scream "NO!".  I asked about the meds and she said she had consulted with the team and they felt that once the meds get approved they can use them with the radiation. And, my head, heart, and mouth told her "no".  I shared with her what a fiasco it was for me to ride share with Ted  that morning.  I shared that I have an older car which overheats & runs the heat full force.  I told her that radiation the first time was harder than I thought & I couldn't imagine trying to do it in the summer with  my current ride.  I told her I needed time to think, process, and I would call the office back. 

Afterwards, I sat in the Jeep and cried to God.  I said "yes: when they wanted to radiate, do infusions, medicate me, and to dealing with it all.  I said "yes" to taking care of me and not focusing on my family, the bills, etc. I nabbed the kiddos afterwards and took them to lunch and we went back to Gilda's Club for my support group.  I'm usually pretty quiet and yesterday was no different until the end of the group when I shared what was going on and told balled.  I told them I just wanted to shout "No!  I don't want radiation.  I don't want cancer".  My counselor told me it was the perfect place to say that, cry, and let go.  I shared with them about my Betsy Bravada that overheats and runs the heat full tilt . All I could think how uncomfortable I was last week just driving her with the kids through the heat & rain storm & trying to imagine doing that daily for a 4-6 weeks has me screaming "NO".  How my skin itches so badly and how I just don't feel like I can do it again with the worries of my car, the financial strain & drain on Tedster, and the emotional strain on our whole family. 

After the support group the kids & I sat at the clubhouse for another hour and half because we had to go nab Ted from work before we could head home.  I shared with Ted on the way home what was going on and cried.  He told me that we could just ride share but that isn't going to work because I have to go with him early birdy and then wait until 5 in the evening to get home.  I told him that radiation makes me loopy, tired, and it is all I could do to drive home before and I didn't think I could just sit and wait until 5.  We thought over him using Betsy Bravada for work but she has issues with overheating not to mention the heat that runs nonstop and that isn't a solution either. 

This afternoon I'm supposed to call my oncologist and let them know to schedule radiation on Monday and the answer is "no".  I'm done until I can figure out a way to get our cars fixed.  Emily's little subaru needs a new engine and Betsy Bravada needs the thermostat fixed, radiator replaced, and newbie tires.  I need to figure out a viable car before I take on cancer again through radiation. 

Have you ever found yourself at a point of where "no" has to be a sufficient answer no matter how hard it is or what it costs.  Right now I've got to reach out in faith & trust that God will conquer cancer for me.  I've got to reach out in faith & trust that I know someone that can help us with the car repairs & the cost.  I've got to know in my head, heart, and soul that God has great things planned for me, the Tedster, and the kiddos and this is all a space of time that He can resolve.  Today, I say "yes" to a God that loves me & my fam beyond measure.  I say "yes" to not knowing the solutions to cancer, bills, or cars but rely fully on Christ who does.  I say "yes" to restoring my own positivity & faith.

If you would be so kind feel free to pray over our fam & my health.  I would appreciate it more than words can say. 

Peace be with you - Sherry

Needs & Updates:

• Dale is headed to South Dakota in about a week for a mission trip...God is good!  Here are some things that he needs for the trip:   Bottle of sunscreen, spray bottle of bug repellent,  because of lice within the community he will be serving we would like to send him with a box of RID (a lice treatment kit in case he gets lice), 2 bags of beef jerky, tea tree or lavender shampoo.** Dale is collecting color books, soccer balls, basketballs, and volleyballs to leave with the kids that he works with.  If you would like to go to the dollar shop and buy some color books that would be great.  If you have a used soccer ball, basketball, or volleyball that you could donate that would be awesome. 
• Emily is going to be working with the cancer counselors at Gilda's Club this summer with their kids program.  She will be working primarily with the preschoolers. She will need to have bug spray to use while working.  If you would be willing to nab some for her that would be fantastic. Pray that she stays seizure free & can shine God's light into each child she comes into contact with.  
•  This coming week Emily meets with Voc Rehab to renew her scholarship.  Say a prayer that the meeting goes well & is productive.
• I've started to contact a few agencies to see if we can get financial help.  I've been stonewalled at this point because:  we live in Cass County, my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, and just people that have been burned by helping others. I feel a weight on my heart in how I can help my fam financially & do what I need to healthwise.  Say a prayer this coming week that I'm to get a hold of an agency or person that can help with a utility bill, medical bill, etc.

Outdoor Oasis

 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it. Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy. - Psalm 96:11-12

Today the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the Tedster took a vacation day.  I look around me & feel blessed inside.  I decide to go make a post about this blessed day on Facebook and wish others peace & serenity.  Then it hits me as I start my post.  I glance down at the time & see the date & my heart becomes heavy & my mind is a swirling pool of memories.

May 25 is my dad's birthday and he's been gone for 23 years now.  He passed away one week before my wedding . Each May 25 I mourn the loss of having the "fixer" aka my dad in  my life.  My dad was my best confidant in the world, he didn't judge me, and he never tried to fix me.  He accepted his daughter with her far out creativity as she was.  He loved me, taught me independence, and self reliance. 

I'm reminded of a quote from Lew French who does amazing stonework artistry.  He said, "Over the years I have found that a perceived problem can often turn out to be a blessing in disguise.  Setbacks or problems make you work harder at developing alternate concepts so you have more choices to use in the overall design".  Granted, Lew French, is talking about working on a field-stone patio but what he said is of relevance to my & my heart. 

My dad used to listen to me cry, rant, or worry over a problem and then say, "what are you going to do about it?".  He never gave me the answer but would try to help me in the solution I chose.  When he passed away I felt a great loss because there was no one to listen to me, to hear my dreams or my fears.  What happened was that with his passing is that I gained a greater interpersonal relationship with God.  The setback of not having my dad made me work harder to seek the Lord in my life.  To rely and trust in my Heavenly Father like I had my earthly dad.  And, it taught me that I had to work really hard to free myself of trust issues and to accept love. 

So, yeah, today is May 25th, my dad's birthday.  The sun is shining , the birds are singing, and my serenity in my spirit comes not from the earthly father that I lost but the precious relationship I developed with my Heavenly Father after. 

Hoping each of you take some serenity time this week to enjoy the sunshine, hear a bird chirp, or enjoy having your fam or friends around. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• I'm still waiting to see if I will be approved to get my cancer meds via the drug company.  Prayfully, I will hear from them this week.....if not Friday I'll call them.
• Yesterday, our precious Emily, had another grand mall seizure.  It's a setback for her physically and emotionally.  She has taken the summer off to pray over her career path.  The latest seizure brought back old self doubts to her spirit.  Pray for her this week that God guide and direct her path & keep her safe.
• I'm praying over my ability to open my artroom back up in July for a handful of classes.  I really miss the buzz of creativity for the kids & adults that have came.  Dale & Emily are willing to help with the classes in July & so I'm praying I will be feeling stronger by then.  
• Our little library is open & ready for people to start coming by.  We regularly check it to see what is going out & in.  I was blessed last week to come and see two girls riding bikes in the neighborhood.  As, I was getting out of the car I heard voices & looked the girls were at the Little Library finding books....God is good.  If you have books you would like to share feel free to drop them off at our house or in the Little Library itself.