Lovin' Learning

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. -James 1:12

My word of the week is "learning" and I've been reflecting on what I'm "learning" in this season of my life. I feel like a weary soul traveler.  What's that look like?  Tired, worn, beaten up, and looking for a "win" in the day no matter how small....just a "win". 

I've been blessed to have a cancer advocate, Kenny.  He is working on our family's behalf with our former health insurance company.  He told me that each time they call me to refer them onto him.  I've been doing that literally each day for the past week.  The insurance company has called to offer me a "settlement".  They will reinstate our insurance for $2,200 and we won't have any better coverage than we did when it was dropped.  When I ask them about our appeal we wrote this spring when they raised the rate they can't confirm anything about it.  They simply want the $2,200.  I simply have given them Kenny's name and number.  And, still they call me each day.

This week I got a letter from them stating the terms of reinstating our insurance....basically paying the $2,200.  Within the letter they told me I had a pre-existing condition and that it would be very hard if not impossible for me to get insurance elsewhere. Now, here is where the word, "learning", came into place for me.  I learned the day after they dropped out insurance for the American Cancer Society that I could go to the "marketplace" aka Obamacare to get insurance in November to get insurance for our family.  I "learned" that my pre-existing condition wouldn't matter through the Obamacare program and my rates would be the same as others with our same income.  Without what I had "learned" I probably would have been brought to tears, have a wave of guilt wash over me about what I'm doing to my family, and self doubt would have been my advocate.  But, with what I've "learned" that big bad insurance company and their letter didn't scare me....it made me mad.  And, instead of calling them I called my advocate and sent him a copy of the letter. 

When I was in college I worked as a pharmacy technician.  I "learned" through that experience that you can purchase daily, weekly, or monthly amounts of medicine.  This has helped me when dealing with how to pay for my daughter, Emily's seizure meds.  Her meds are $800 a month.  And, last week she took her final dose on Saturday morning.  I promised her that I would figure out how to pay for her meds and told her not to worry about it....worry for her can cause a seizure.  I asked Ted to call pharmacies and get prices for one day, one week, two weeks, and for a month.  I then went to my Heavenly Father and prayed for our ability to figure out how to make it work.  On Sunday we were able to afford one week's worth of her meds ($174). 

This week is coming to a close and I don't have the $174 for her meds and my heart is breaking.  My friends have encouraged me to set up a "Go Fund Me" page to help us.  Just the thought of asking for help breaks my spirit and shakes my core.  I should be able to be the mom that my kids can rely on, the one that jumps at adversity and chases it off, and can make it work.  But, I'm not that kind of mom....I "learned" that this week.  I did "learn" what I know in my heart that I'm a mom that loves her kids and would sacrifice for them.  Know what I did?  I sacrificed my pride, stubbornness, and guilt and set up the "Go Fund Me" page to help pay for Emily's meds this morning.  Here's how you can find our "Go Fund Me" page : https://www.gofundme.com/snidermedical

As I thought of my sacrifice and how so badly I want a "win" I realized that I already have a "win" each day....it is the gift of my salvation through my Heavenly Father.  He made the ultimate sacrifice for me.  It made me realize that I needed to stop mocking God about talking about my sacrifices, complaints, and whines.  I dare to mock his sacrifice by comparing it to my own right now.  Uggh, there's a thought, peeps, am I right? 

Today, I need to find myself giving back to the Lord through praising Him for his ultimate sacrifice.  I need to take the gifts that he gave me : teaching, creativity, care, and empathy for others & invest those gifts and plant them into my family, friends, and community.  The time for me to "learn" that is here and now.  How about you?  Are you willing to stop mocking God about your sacrifices because you are comparing yours to his? There is no comparison....he will always trump yours 100 x 100.  His sacrifice gives us the hope & glory of eternal life and through that hope we are set free. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Fearfully Made Rant

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

How many times a day do you find yourself critiquing your value or worth?  Or is it something that comes so naturally that you would have to really think about it.  For years I've played off my worth, value, and compliments like they weren't real.  Part of that is in my humble nature & part of that is in how I was raised.  Worth and value came to my family came in the how much you earned or what you could do better than others.  Have you ever heard the song "Anything you can do I can do better?".....you've just got a glimpse into my family dynamic as a kid. 

As a teenager I had extra questions about my worth & value not just because all kids do but because I had an older brother that was an alcoholic and took things out on me when he was drunk.  On the best days when I got home from school he was passed out.  On the worst days I got ridiculed for believing I was smart, capable, and had any worth or value in the world.  He was determined to make me feel worthless like he probably felt at the time.

All those things from my past make up my dynamic.  Those are the things that make me question myself.  And, if someone throws a compliment my way for years I've downplayed it.  Just this last year I started to say thank you to the compliments and really absorb them.  Know what happened?  I felt a sense of calm wash over me with each of them.  Each compliment was a small reminder from God that I had worth, value, and was "fearfully & wonderfully made".  It reminded me of all the times I would be in tears as a kid & adult having my mother pray Psalm 139:14.  I think she was praying it would finally absorb into my brain and I would be the girl of grace, light, and beauty that God created.  And, more importantly, I would believe it.

This past weekend I went with some gal pals to the DFL women's conference.  Their theme" grace, light, and beauty".  I was thrilled to go because : last year I stopped believing while at DFL I was destined for damnation based on my younger self.  I wanted a chance to reconnect with the counselor from James River that has called and emailed each month through the past year to check on me, pray with me, and let me know God's got this when I feel like I'm failing.  And, the chance to worship God & seek his peace in this stormy season of my life. The best part was one of the gal's knew my heart and spirit was hurting and helped pay for me to go....thank you dear anonymous angel.

All of those things happened but I was able to re-think my definitions on the words "grace, beauty, and light".   I never would call myself graceful....shoot, my mom called me the bull in the china
cabinet most days as a kid because I was klutzy, active, and accident prone.  I've  always thought of grace in terms of what God grants me to deal with my day, situations, and life in my adult life.  Beauty isn't a word that I would use to define myself.  It makes me think of Miss America and I'm far from pageant ready most days. And the word "light" could either mean not a lot going on with work, a salad for lunch, and for sure not my weight.

Today I see that I have all three of those characteristics within me.  Grace through when times are touch or good in my ability to thank and praise God.  I've got grace enough to realize when I'm in over my head and give it over to my Heavenly Father to help me through.  Beauty is only skin deep, peeps, for reals.  Beauty is in the twinkle of my eye when I joke with my friends, my piggy snort laugh, and my ability to hunker down in this season of life to pray, praise, and give thanks daily. I left light for last because it is my fav. It is something that I prayed for each morning when I taught but didn't realize light was the term for it.  Light is me asking God to allow me to be the vessel through my words and actions so that his "light" shines through me. 

My highlight this week was being able to do the Mama Mia workshop using the Lay Clergy's building to reach my community for Christ with creativity.  Both Emily & Dale came and helped out and I was blessed with mamas & kids that came.  I had an older come by who later sent me a message to let me know she loved what she saw.  She said she would be praying for me because she saw God's love shine through me.....what did I say about "light"? Her message sent a wave of courage through me this week.

Peace be with you- Sherry

**This week with those three words in my arsenal I took to the phones.  I've got a cancer advocate as of this week.  They made some inquires to my insurance company for our family about the rate changes, dropping different meds from our policy, and dropping our insurance.  The advocate got back with me today to let me know they are willing to reinstate our policy for $2200.  He suggested that we hold tight and let him keep working them. 

**We also found out that the pharmacy cards we got don't work for all of our prescriptions.....only certain ones from certain drug companies. We are trying to file paperwork with the drug companies so Ted can get his diabetic meds & Emily can stay on her seizure med. 

**The topper of this week is that I've had nausea, bloody stools, and vomiting. I've got to walk in faith and confidence that God is going to see me through.  My gal pals have suggested I set up a Go Fund Me account and explain what is going on.  Just the thought of it feels my heart with dread and I feel hopeless. I feel inside that I should be able to take care of my family, myself, etc. and not to ask others to do it....it leaves me broken hearted to say the least.  So, pray for God to bring me discernment on the Go Fund me thing.

**I'm reaching out and asking for help with this one:  I made a little library for my yard. I need help digging in the front yard & getting it mounted.  If you or someone you know would like to help me I would love it! 

Leverage

Romans 8:37-39 - No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

How do we find rest during a season of change? If you are looking for answers you came to the wrong gal.  This past week I wished that I had leverage to fight this season of my life.  I grew up with a dad that when I was in trouble he fixed it.  He had connections that could make it all right...maybe not perfect but bearable.  And, I don't have my dad as my "leverage" in the world.  He passed away 23 years ago.

I know that seems a little weird and random right?  I would want my dad that was the "fixer" that leveraged his connections to make things good for his kids & wife? If I had problems with our insurance company back in the day he would have "fixed" it or paid the premium for me.  He would have made sure that his daughter could afford medical care.  That she knew she was loved and cared for....but nope he's not here.

There have been so many times, places, and problems life has thrown my way that I missed having my dad around.  He was my biggest fan, called me out on my crap, and challenged me to be better than he was.  When I got older and he got God in his life he would talk openly & honestly about his faith.  He told me he prayed that I got it before I was old like him. He shared that God had remarkable things in store for me if I just left it all and followed him. He told me that he wasn't always going to be there but God would be.  My dad told me that I was by far a better person than he ever could be if I let God lead the way.

Well, this year, I'm working with God and not against him.  I've learned through being humbled this past year with being sick.  I learned  to ask others to help me....that was a huge one.  I reach out, and genuinely tell people that I love them and mean it.  This spring as I felt better I took on the challenge that God placed me with.  To open my artroom up to my community.  Being creative has always been a solace that God gifted me with.  When things get rough I shelter myself through creativity.  And, through opening my artroom I could see that others could find that same shelter from the world.

I don't know how to tell you to find rest in a season of change, honestly, I don't.  I don't have the "leverage" in the world to make things happen quickly like I did when my dad was alive.  I've got to totally 100% give my heart, hurts, and cares up to my Heavenly Father.  Remarkably, enough when I chose to give it up to my Heavenly Father it doesn't make the situation any clearer most times....it just gives me an overwhelming sense of peace.

I'm learning this week a new meaning for "leverage".  "Leverage" is having humility in your day.  It is being humbled before our creator & having confidence that he will see you through.  "Leverage" doesn't mean going out into the world for Jesus for your own personal gain while crushing others....it means that I go out into the world and set aside my advantages to serve others.  It's learning to love our savior and showing it to the  world around me.  

I know that this past Sunday at City Market I used my "leverage" with God to be kind, approachable, and helpful to people that were passing by and those who saw me and asked me to help them.  I know that is what I've been designed to do all along.  I was designed with a teacher's heart. creative spirit, and smarts.  God has allowed me the perfect timing in being ill to open my artroom.  To reach out to my community and help to bring his solace through creativity to them.  I love that I can equate "leverage" with solace....it's taken a while based on who my dad was & who I am as his daughter to learn but I've got it.  "Leverage" doesn't have to be based on what you have, who you know. and who owes you favors.  There is a heavenly "leverage" that God provides which is a peace & solace in even the worst seasons of our lives.

This week I've been working through paperwork to get a cancer advocate to help Ted & I battle with the health insurance company.  I was blessed last week to get some pharmacy cards that can be used by our whole family for their meds.  We still pay a percentage but it just might be doable which gives me hope.  I've found solace in not being able to worship on Sundays in a typical manner.  We've been going to City Market to sell my loot to help to pay our health insurance until this past week.  This past Sunday I saw it as a way to reach out to others to be like Christ....yeah, it wasn't about the money.  This past Sunday it was about me leaving all that personal gain & reaching out to connect, love, and care for others.

In reality I can see tons of opportunities to grow, strengthen, and serve like Jesus would rather than like Jesus is watching me.  Maybe that is what makes the difference.  Maybe that is where my solace & rest will come from in this season of change.

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• I've got paperwork to fill out through Cancer Care to try to help with gas money to get to the doctor.  That is the only assistance they offer since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer rather than another cancer. 
• I've been working with the Patient Advocate Foundation this past week to get an advocate for our case with the insurance company and to get some advice on my medical bills, etc. 
• I'm blessed to spend some time to reflect on my life and what I need to do next.  I'm blessed to have Tedster, Emily, and Dale here to help me through. I've often said that my kids are my saving grace that God gave me to show me the way....ahh, they really are.  They are strong, capable, and are able to minister to my spirit beyond.  How did they get so awesome over the years that they would be able to do that?  I truly think that is why God blessed me with Dale & Emily. God knew I don't listen well, I'm headstrong, and think I can take on the world....but he gave me two kids that caused me to slow down, be a mom, think about them before myself...ohh, man, God is good. 
• Prayers: Pray for me & the family in this season...it's bumpy but we aren't defeated.  Pray that in the coming days I'm able to get an advocate provided to help me.  Pray that I can find a freebie mammogram in the KC area.  I've made calls and been turned down and so I'm not real clear on where to go for that one.  

Out To Pasture

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. - Romans 8:18

This week has been heartbreaking to me and I feel washed up & used up.  I don't know what the term "ready to put out to pasture" means since I'm a city kid but that sounds kind of decent. If only there were a free Starbucks and Netflix in the pasture with a big comfy pillow & quilt.  Ok. those are my conditions if & when I go out to pasture.

What's been going on?  I'm physically tired.  I've been working hard this summer and lovin' every creative & memorable moment with my kids.  But I've also ignored my doctor when she said to rest and take it easy when I don't feel 100%.  In the spring I had pre-cancerous cysts removed from my intestines.  This fall I've literally been poopy and have started to bleed rather than have stools which scares me and makes me want to "go out to pasture" & be done.

As a fam we are trying to adjust from the past year or so of me being sick and now here we go again.  Yesterday, our health insurance got cancelled. Why?  Because we couldn't afford the $1,200 for it. Ted knew it was coming and has been on the phone with BCBS all month giving them our background story.  Asking if they could reduce the rate that they doubled this spring. Asking if they have processed our appeal.  Asking them to just take half and let him figure out a way we can get the rest.  The answer to all these questions came yesterday when he called them and they told him personally that our insurance was cancelled and they wouldn't look into our appeal, etc. unless we paid the premium.  

Ahh, now what to do?  All I can do is think of Ted who is diabetic and needs insulin.  I think of Emily who finally has gotten her groove back.  She's in classes at the community college & just got her ability to drive.  But she needs her seizure meds to keep her going.  And, Ted, Em, and Dale need insurance in case something happens.  And, yeah, I need insurance to go to my cancer doc, get tests ran, and help pay for insurance but that isn't what crosses my mind.  It's my family & their basic needs.

The one thing I know is that God is with me & my family through this season.  He will sustain us, lift us up, and watch over each of us.  I don't just write those words I believe them in my heart & soul.  That is what caused me to wake up this morning and start making phone calls.  I called Cancer Care this morning.  They told funding for ovarian cancer through them amounts to a one time gas card to get you to your doctor's appointment.  The gal was nice enough, said she would send an application, and let me cry.  The next call was to Cancer Action where I left a message for a gal to call be back about resources in my area.  Next call was to the American Cancer Society.  They sent me to the insurance advocates that looked through our info.  They gave me ideas of how to get insurance for Dale.  And, we talked about the situation with BCBS and the possibility of Ted, Emily, and I not having insurance until January.  Then I called Emily's neurologist, told them what had happened and asked for help to get her meds.  Final call for this morning was to Patient Advocate Foundation who took my details and will have an advocate call me within the next few days. 

It's not perfect but God created me smart & capable.  I feel that I haven't failed God or my family today because I got out there and tried.  I may have a runny nose, red eyes, and been a crybaby but no one that I called scorned me for it.  They were patient, kind, and sincere.  I had one gal tell me that she was a believer too and pray with me while I cried over the phone.  It wasn't a perfect morning but I feel God's compassion washing over me.  I can spend the rest of the day walking in faith & confidence that I don't have the answers and things didn't get solved.  Why?  Because Jesus is walking beside me and he does have the answers and knows how to solve it.  I don't know how, when, or where but he does & that's enough for the day.

I wrote this to encourage each of you.  We all have moments, seasons, and times when we feel like we'd be better off going out to "pasture".  The prob is there is no Starbucks in the pasture, Netflix, or a comfy pillow.  But if you choose to live with Christ there is the remarkable gift of eternal life that I'm sure I will drink so many chai teas my stomach will ache.  I know through Christ that on the worst days He is there wrapping his heavenly quilt around me to get me through.  And, I know the same is true for you!

I would appreciate your prayers for our family during this season.  I haven't talked openly with my kids about my medical situation only to say that I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. In reality I don't know what my cancer doc wants to do with me so that is what I know....I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. 

Peace be with you- Sherry