Quiet Time

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes through Him.  Psalm 62:1

There were two things as a kid that I detested and still do.  My mom would tell me each day it was "quiet time" which meant no talking, humming, singing, etc.  I remember each day within minutes asking, "Mommy, is quiet time over?".  And, the other thing I detest is getting my face wet whether that means in the shower or getting dunked in a pool....strongly dislike it.

This season of my life I feel like the world is pouring over me and my family like waves in the ocean.  The things that I know like having honesty and integrity and loving the Lord don't seem to matter.  The waves literally left me submerged in the depths of an ocean of hurt and not knowing what to do.  I shared with a friend last week that there were things that it felt like the world was pushing me under the waves to lie, cheat, and live without the integrity that God gave me and my heart was breaking trying to be who God intended me to be.

On Tuesday of this week I literally was sunk.  Do you know the feeling?  Not being able to come up for air, being told no everywhere you turn and you feel like you are in a corner that you can't break free?  Your trust that you've got in God to meet your needs or "supply" is wavering and you feel forgotten and broke...yeah, that was Tuesday afternoon for me.  I literally wept because I didn't know how to to fix my heath, our lack of insurance, or meet our financial needs for meds that all of us need. I felt conflicted on what to do, who in our family do I prioritize and who gets left behind, and how God do I make worldly choices when my soul is not at peace with it.  How can I say I live in faith and confidence this day when all my phone calls were "no" to my requests. I had to pick Emily up from college early because she threw up & her head hurt from the fluorescent lights in her classroom.  I was in fear knowing that I couldn't afford Emily's seizure meds next week.  And, yes, I literally bleed when I went to the bathroom and felt sick.  That was my Tuesday and I wept.  I told God I knew he would meet our "supply" needs but how much further did I have to sink to have it done. 

Know what happened?  Wednesday.  Wednesday morning I got a call from the state to ask about the paperwork that I filled out for our family and the info they had from our family through the marketplace aka Obamacare.  At that moment I thought do I "lie" and make up a truth like the world is pushing me to do or stand my ground and hear her say "no".  I stood my ground and told her the truth.  I told her it was complicated and explained what had happened to us this year.  And, guess what?  She understood and said it made sense.  I told her we were literally sinking and didn't know where to turn and so anything we could fill out we tried.  She told me that Dale, my son, qualified for sure.  I told her thank you for that as my "win of the week".  I was grateful for that and I could wait until January for insurance.  She told me she heard the honesty in my words and I shouldn't have to wait until January and was going to talk to her supervisors and get back with me. 

Melinda, the case worker,  got back with me Wednesday morning.  She said it wasn't perfect but they would cover insurance for both Dale and I. She said once I was better to call her and let her know because we were in her prayers.  She said that she gets lots of applications, calls, etc but she could her the desperation and honesty in my words.  That is why she went to her supervisor and insurance for me was granted.  She told me "today it paid to be honest in the world".  After I got off the phone with her I cried and praised God who knew I had been dunked in the water on too many times.  He knew our family not only needed a "win" but I needed to be reassured about honesty and integrity. 

Thursday, I called, the pharmacy to get all six of my meds refilled.  I called my cancer doctor's office and made an appointment.  And, prayed over having courage to go get the mammogram asap.  I thought of Emily and how my daughter who has a seizure disorder is still without insurance and I wept and prayed over her.  Then, I saw the phone and thought this is the day I make some noise, don't take "no" for an answer and I get her meds.  We had applied for Vimpat her seizure med through the company and so I called.  They said that her application had been approved Monday and mailed out Tuesday.  They showed it should be at Emily's neurologist.  Yesterday, Emily & I trotted on into her neurologist and picked up six months of meds for her.  In dollars and cents it is $5,000 worth of meds.  Take a look at our "bragger pic" below...our God knows how to show off, right?

It's Friday and my "win" for today?  Well, my daughter got her hair cut by our friends that wanted to help.  And, Dale, gets his hair cut tomorrow.  Ted got signed up for insurance for he and Emily which will go in effect in January.  And, I don't feel like I'm going under the waves.  I'm actually on a ship with the wind in my sails. 

Our situation health wise still is unknown.  But God granted us with the tools and resources to meet our "supply" to be able to handle, confront, and meet them head on.  I'm I still sick....yeah.  Emily has seizures, and Ted is an insulin dependent diabetic.  Dale jokes that he is the best of the bunch...lol.  Do we still have stress...yeah.  Do I know that my God won't let me sink when I stand in the storm with honesty and integrity...yeah! 

I've been asked by people to make a list of things that they can do or help us with that are smalls.  I've got a list of Snider Smalls following this post.  If you would like to help with any of them that would be remarkable.   I walk with faith and confidence that God is gonna heal me physically & do great things through me & my family. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Snider Smalls :

1. Pray for Emily.  She takes her finals in a couple of weeks which will be stressful.  Pray for her protection and for God to cease all seizures from her.  This is huge, peeps.  I wouldn't have asked for you to pray that over her before this season in our life but it is with faith and confidence that I do.

2. Pray for courage for all of us as I go into a season of my life that scares that heck outta me.  I want to walk in faith and confidence that I will be healthy.  I want to walk in faith and confidence that I can what they tell me, take on that challenge, and go full force for the Lord. 

3. Here's the list for our family.  It's got stuff that we like, love, and need.  Ok, maybe it is more like "like" because we love & need just our Heavenly Father.

•  Dale : Loves to draw & sculpt. He adores homemade chicken noodle soup, fried chicken, and beef jerky.  He's saving for an x-box1 with his money from his boy's workshops since this summer.  If you would want to leave him a "tip" in the tip jar to help him that would be fab.  He is about $75 short of having enough for the gaming system.  If you would want to swing over with jerky, soup, or fried chicken you would have a fan in Dale.
•  Emily :    Loves the Lord and her family.  She would love some new knee high socks & new pillow to sleep on. She loves lemon zinger tea, apple cider, and diet Dr. Pepper or diet cherry Pepsi.  If you really want to treat Emily she would love some stuff from Bath & Body Works or something girly like a hairbrush, ponytail holders,or new jammies.
• Ted :   He worries about smalls all the time like gas in the tank to get to work and having enough Ramen in the jeep for lunches. He literally is the breadwinner in our home & he needs your prayers that God would uplift him and let him lead our family with strength and integrity.  Feel free to drop off a gas card or microwave lunch stuff for Tedster to help him.  
• Sherry : Pray for me that my courage that God gifted me with prevails through the doctor's appointments, tests, etc.  I love chai tea, chocolate carmels, and bread. I would love some new socks and a candle this year.  I usually light a candle each morning, pray, read scripture, and journal.   

 Thanks to each of you that have reached out to our family.  We appreciate you prayers, love, and strength that we've feel daily....and we pray that we are that same sense of strength, love for you & your family.

Relevance

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

This weekend Dale, my son, and his friend stirred up batter to make a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Although, I helped them to find some things I left the project up to the boys.  Yesterday, when they both were at the house after school.  I told them to get out the dough and I would bake some cookies for them.  Being the awesome mom I am I taste tested one after it came out of the oven and it was lacking something.  What could it be?  I took another bite and then went to ask the boys if they added brown sugar . 

The answer came from Dale, "No we put the regular sugar in.  I didn't add the brown sugar because I didn't think we had any . I didn't want to ask about the brown sugar and  have you start crying about how we don't have enough money for even brown sugar".  That hit me like a sucker punch.  Because my 15 year old sees the stress that I'm under.  He doesn't want to see his mom cry over petty things like brown sugar. That he isn't coming to me when he needs something... even small things like brown sugar for cookies.  That made me think.

How did my world get so warped that my son won't even bother me about brown sugar?  That caused me to sit back, think about what to say and pray.  Last night when things were winding down I took and talked to Dale one on one.  I told him that he could share anything with me and ask me for anything.  I shared with him that this year has been unique but I feel like God is moving mountains in our family's life and mine....but those mountains don't move easily and it is going to take time but I've got faith that God will supply what is needed. 

Dale confided to me that it literally hurts him to see what I'm facing this year, the challenges, the disappointments, and the hurts.  Did I mention that Dale is my kiddo that wears empathy on his heart like a medal of honor?  He is like me in so many ways but he hasn't ever been heartless, callous, or cruel.  He is quiet, kind, and resilient.  If I'm honest I just wanted to cry but I didn't.  I told Dale I thought we needed to pray about what is going on, how it affects us, and allow God to take care of the hurt, pain, or fear that we've got.  He told me he does and then challenged me if I do. 

Have you ever been spiritually called out by your kid?  I was.  I told him that each day once he, Emily, and his dad leave that I read my Bible, write down passages, thoughts, and feelings in a journal.  And, then I pray to God, release my angst about the day, hurts, and cares and let God supply me.  I realized what is lacking though at that very minute.  Dale doesn't see his mom do that. I generally am the one that leads our family talks at the dinner table, talks to him while being his "chauffeur" and prays with him about situations, people, and things.  What is lacking right now is his ability to see his mom come to her Lord and savior in prayer. 

I've been too concerned over trying to earn enough financially to pay for medical bills, insurance, and medications.  My soul focus has been trying to get our health care insurance back and making ends meet until it does.  I've made calls, filled out forms, got a cancer advocate, and prayed silently about what I saw as "relevance" in my world and my family's lives.

What I forgot is the definition of "relevance".  Relevant is defined in Webster's as: "bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand; pertinent".  What is pertinent or relevant in my book isn't the same for Dale, Emily, or Ted.  I've been spending so many hours and days being "relevant" in our battle with the insurance company that I forgot about the "matters in hand" like brown sugar and showing my kids my faith through prayer. 

This morning I got up and felt nausea and pain on my side.  I decided to rest in but I didn't stop being "relevant".  I prayed with Emily and over her about her chemistry test today and her safety on the road.  I took time with Dale and prayed over his heart that loves the Lord and empathy that could move mountains.  I told God that both Dale and I know He can move mountains and I asked in his name to remove that mountain that makes me disconnected.  

This week's message is something different for me.  I've always been a mama who knew her kids, what their needs were, and prayed with and over them.  This fall I've broken from that since I'm busy on the phone, physically feel ill, or justify it with they are older.  My challenge is to restore my relationship with my kids and my Lord.  I need to find the "relevant" issues for each day and pray about those with my kids.  I need to not let those "relevant" issues overwhlem me and rob my joy with my kids, Ted, and my family.  

This week I've challenged my kids to ask me "Is that relevant to right now?".  And, if it isn't something pertinent I've gotta let it go because otherwise it consumes my body, mind, and spirit. I refuse to let my son not ask for brown sugar for cookies because he doesn't want me to cry over not having it.  I'm learning I need to run this season of my life for myself, my kids, Ted, friends, and the blessings God puts in front of me daily.  I need to be grateful to God for this season and the ability to learn what "relevant" means. 

Here's a song that is my "jam" this fall....yeah, I pick one song each season that I like and that fits my life and call it "my jam"....lol.  It is something I've done since high school that has stayed with me through life.  My "jam" this season is Andrew McMahon & the Wildreness, "Swim".  Here's a link to it.  He wrote it during his battle with cancer but it is "relevant" to all of us.  It reminds us that when things are tough we need to "swim" rather than sink in the currents that life throws at us. 

Here's a link to a video of  Swim :  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZTsdKt6e74

 Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• This week we are blessed to afford another week of Emily's seizure med.
• This week I called my advocate to check in.  After I hung up I left all my angst to God and am gonna swim with what is "relevant" for my here and now.
• We are meeting to figure out health insurance today. Pray that our decisions are wise and decisive. 

What's So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?

"My God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19

I love Elvis Costello's song "Peace, Love, and Understanding".  The first time I heard that song I thought, "Yeah, what's so wrong with being a peace punk?  What's wrong with loving everyone irregardless of who or what they seem to be?  And, wouldn't the world be a whole Lotta better if we just took the higher ground with some understanding?".

I've been doing my Bread of Life cards each day and using them to write my thoughts & feeling, etc in my journal.  I came across Philippians 4:19.  I was instantly shuttled back to my peace punk phase growing up.  I read the devotion thought on the other side of the card which said, "That love that gives, not as the world but shares all it possesses with its loved co-heirs".  And, despite what has happened in my lifetime I stay steadfast to my peace punk way : love others, do the right thing, and reflect Christ in my life through my words and actions.

It sounds great, right?  But even I have a breaking point with people and situations.  I come into contact with people that are just "difficult".  They act less than God pleasing and seem to flourish in this world.  The "difficult" seem to say, act, and do as they please and God still blesses them beyond measure and they have no trepidation in their soul, heart, or mind.  The phrase "they just keep on keeping on" seems very fitting for "difficult" people.  And, I feel myself roll my eyes, sigh, and groan about them.

I read from Philippians 4:19 and it encourages my heart, brings peace of mind to me, and encourages me that God will "supply" for my needs and my family's needs.  I've seen that over the past few weeks with the Go Fund Me account I set up to meet our medical expenses until we can restore health insurance in January.  I feel it as friends check in on me, encourage me, and pray over my weary soul.

I hate to say it but I feel like I'm becoming a "difficult" person.  Why?  Because I'm a tired and weary soul.  I need an intervention of the heavenly kind. Ever feel that way?  That you are less than God intends and you need his intervention so you don't ever become a "difficult" person.  Well, here's what I did to consult my Heavenly Father.  

 I prayed yesterday that God not only brings me peace and love to my spirit and mind but to my body.  Each day I wake up achy with nausea.  I've got a painful cramp on my left side that literally takes my breath away when it comes. I don't know what to do and I feel like an ungrateful bitch most days.  Today, I surrendered it all to God and gave it all to him....not just my worries and fears but my physical pain that drains my joy.  My Heavenly Father will "supply all my need in your riches in the glory of Christ....supply me with rest physically.  Allow me to find the ability to rest.  Allow me to eat a dinner with my family without getting sick afterwards.  Allow me days without pain in my side.  I believe and know you can supply me with not just moments or hours but with days without pain and heal me.  Come supply my body, soul, and spirit with your healing.  I work daily to show my gratitude through sharing my blessing with my family, friends, community, and world.  Supply me so I can be like you".

This time in my life is one that I face challenges that aren't just about lack of health insurance, cancer, or family.  I face a challenge that I've got to come good with the Lord about what I do on his behalf daily.  Instead of talking about peace, love, and understanding I've got to show it.  I have to show it when I follow up with my cancer advocate this week instead of crying and feeling restless I need to be thankful to have an advocate.  Instead of leaning on my family and draining them I need to lean into the cancer counselor group that I got connected with.  They said I could call anytime night or day to talk and instead of harboring resentment with my family because they don't know what I need, want, or how I feel.  I need to access the counselors so I'm not a "difficult" person that even I would run from.

I know this blog is more for me....yeah, I'm selfish this week.  I guess that goes with being a "difficult person".  I want to share that yesterday my family worked to help me prep for this coming week.  I'm double booked this coming Saturday for two craft shows and literally have nothing to sell.  They worked to get wire on boards, make window tables, and let me make fabulous ugly Christmas sweaters.  They let me work alone in the artroom and even then I started crying and yelled at them to stop helping me I did want their resentment.  Emily came to me and made me sit down to talk with her.  She told me that lady that started yelling wasn't her mom, the one that hurts, throws up, and is crabby isn't her mom.  She sat and told me she and Dale love me and that is why they are trying to help me.  She confided that she would rather study for her Chem test on Tuesday and Dale would rather sleep in and play video games but they are there because they love me.  They understand I'm stressed and in pain but they want me to know they love me irregardless.  I then broke down, cried like a baby, and hugged her. 

Last night we were done with stuff around 4:30.  Em and Dale got me upstairs to rest because my head was pounding. Emily went and got me some advil & a coke to help with the headache.  And, then, I fell asleep for about 4 hours.  I got up for about 30 minutes and fell back to sleep around 9ish.  And, I slept until 7:30 this morning.  Why do I write about sleeping?  Remember, I prayed to God yesterday for rest...He came through.  I got up and made breakfast for my family and ate a little and didn't get sick!  Yeah, God came through.  Now, to spend the rest of the day resting...I feel like it is time. 

I'm hoping by sharing my "difficult" self to you that you see yourself in it.  We all are selfish and self centered at times and have the ability to become "difficult".  I would hope that you are able to see when you are turning into the "difficult" and pray for God to take that from you.  He designed each of us with joy that should shine through us even when life is hard.  He gave each of us understanding aka empathy and we need to use it daily on those "difficult" souls out there.  He loves us with unconditional love....let's try that on our families, friends, and the "difficult" souls out there.  And, what about peace?  Let's pray for God's peace to wash over us, allow us rest & calm so that we can shine for Him. 

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:
 

• We filled out paperwork over 3 weeks ago with the Vimpat company for Emily's meds.  We are praying we hear from them soon to see if they will cover the cost of her meds or we could get it at a reduced cost.  Pray the company approves this soon. God is good.
• Ted has insulin for a month from a friend.  And, we were able to afford his Metaformin for a month. We are waiting to hear from drug companies to see if he gets approved for his insulin and the other meds he needs for diabetes. God is good.
• I'm hoping to raise enough in funds from "Go Fund Me" weekly to meet Emily's needs for Vimapat and start to work on my meds. This week we were able to afford another week for Emily and one of my meds....God is good. 
• We meet this coming week to determine what type of health insurance to get.  It is open enrollment time we are asking you to pray that God guides our path so we get insurance that will supply for our family's needs.