"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He pulled me out of a horrible pit, out of the mud and clay. He set my feet on a rock and made my steps secure". Psalm 40;1-2
This is the first of my "Lioness Among Tigers" series of blogs. This week I was given several words and have some idea of what our Heavenly Daddy is after me to write. I chose the title "Lioness Among Tigers" for a variety of reasons. The first is that I began calling Emily "little lioness" after her first surgery to put a grid on her brain in October. She was so brave, determined, and filled with the Holy Spirit. Why tigers? The University of Missouri aka MU's mascot is the tiger. Here is my first tale in the series;
It's been almost 7 years since my darling dot, Emily, had her first seizure at 19. Initially, we thought it could have been a fluke and then the second seizure came. I could sense that it wasn't a fluke. We have been a roller coaster ride for almost 7 years. One that we can't get off and one that it feels like we are locked into.
Emily was 25 when we found not just a neurologist but a team. A team that went through her medical records and did not reject or cast her out. A team that said we want to help your daughter and believe we can. Emily began her first series of tests with the team at MU last year around this time.
She stayed in the hospital for over 3 weeks hooked up to wires and electrodes that covered her scalp last year. She had a total of 6 seizures within that 3 weeks. Those seizures gave the MU team and idea of where the seizures were coming from and how they could help. The team gained knowledge of the severity and violence of Emily's seizures ; the first 3 seizures they let go with the medical team at Emily's side to see what happens, duration of time, and they gathered info. Emily stayed in the hospital in 2019 without me. We video chatted, sent texts, and talked daily. Each day last year I began to send Emily back to our Heavenly Daddy. Gifting her back to the one that created her and could heal her.
It hit me that I was only hands and feet to Emily last year. I was no kind of parent in comparison to our Heavenly Daddy. The thought was comforting rather than tragic. It felt like God was allowing me to help Emily navigate, advocate, and to be there when and if things fell apart. It was then I began to pray Psalm 40 over Emily and myself. I felt ill prepared to be her hands feet but willing. I knew I was unprepared for the emotions that flooded my heart, mind, and spirit and so I prayed Psalm 40 over myself daily.
We had hope last year that our Heavenly Daddy was moving. I had been praying over Emily and each time I heard Emily would be healed here at the age of 25. At the beginning of 2020 I was hopeful because Emily was 25. We had the team at MU. I had settled into being Emily's hands and feet. Our Heavenly Daddy was going to make it happen and heal her at 25. I was excited!
Then Covid hit. The excitement was still there but dulled. The ability to run further tests had to happen but because of restrictions due to Covid they came at a slower pace. I kept praying over Emily and I each day and night using Psalm 40. This spring we had a consult with her neurologist. Emily chose to pursue surgery. My question to the neurologist was this "do you think that she will be able to have the surgery this year". He said yes but first there were more tests and more consults but yes absolutely she could have surgery this year. I knew it! I knew it Daddy you are gonna heal Emily at 25!
We finished all the tests this summer and had a surgical consults in September. Emily turned 26 on August 5. I was heart broken. God told me for four years she would be healed at 25. He showed me in my dreams my daughter and then her brain filled with wires and hands moving the wires on her brain. The night of her 26th birthday I cried and got angry with our Heavenly Daddy after Emily went to sleep. I raged on for hours and cried. In the early morning hours my husband came in and told me it was enough that I couldn't be that angry. I told him to get out and let me take all my rage and anger to our Heavenly Daddy because he can take it and I can't. I finished my rage party around 5 in the morning by praying Psalm 40 over both Emily and I.
Fascination is a "neurological state of intense focus. One that creates an irresistible feeling of engagement". This week as I prayed in jubilation over Emily I heard the word "fascination". As I journaled notes to our Heavenly Daddy & this was the response I heard; " You may feel scattered and battered. I see dignity and grace restored. Refinement at its finest. And, the ability to rest with sweet slumber just like you pray over others. Sherry, you truly need to rest for the fascinating start of the journey is coming quickly. Love, Daddy". If that was not enough to absorb and ponder less than a minute later came this "PS; thanks for walking in my wonderland".
Geez, friends, I would not say that the last 7 years have been a wonderland. If you asked me on August 5th of this year I would NOT have doubted the goodness of the Lord but I would have doubted his timing. As I step back I can see that our Heavenly Daddy did bring healing to Emily at 25. Two months after her 25th birthday the team at MU took Emily's case and began to run tests. The team that were God's hands and feet to Emily with meticulous precision. Not the team that we chose but the team that our Heavenly Daddy chose. All of the tests for the first surgery were done when Emily was 25. That means it was all in motion while Emily was 25. I can look at our journey and see the fascinating way that our Heavenly Daddy has moved in this journey.
I feel like I need to share just small excerpts with you of our journey. Excerpts of our life for the past 7 years. Excerpts of the roller coaster ride that our Heavenly Daddy has taken us on. This week I shared some about pain and anger as a mom. A mom who has no control over her child or what is going on with her child...can you relate?
I believe that many of you see this year like the roller coaster that you can't get off. I get it. There is a stillness in the world that I have never known. A panic, fear, and paranoia that makes you cry for help. I understand. I have been there as we fight for Emily as the world battles Covid.
I am writing this so that you know that your feelings are real and justified. There is beauty in your feelings and emotions because our Heavenly Daddy is waiting to hear from you with every last "fascinating" detail you can tell him. You are a "fascinating" child of God. Webster's dictionary defines fascinating as; "the moment where you feel and experience confidence and clarity". Right now wouldn't you like to experience confidence and clarity? I know I would.
Our Heavenly Daddy feels the intense weight of what you are going through and longs to hear from you. If you are like me you can write a "Dear Heavenly Daddy" letter. Maybe you can pray out loud which is marvelous. Or maybe you have no words and for you, friend, I would encourage you to sit silently and allow yourself time in the stillness to just breathe in and out and with each breath know your "fascinating" journey is being heard by our Heavenly Daddy. Webster's dictionary defines fascination as; "the moment where you feel and experience confidence and clarity". Right now wouldn't you like to experience confidence and clarity? I know I would.
The last two years I needed to build my own confidence in myself and whom our Heavenly Daddy says I am. I needed clarity on how to navigate as his hands and feet to Emily. I began to pray Psalm 40 over Emily and I because I had no words and it came to me in the stillness of just breathing in and out in silence. I'm going to suggest you pray Psalm 40 over yourself and then pray it again over your kiddos, spouse, family or friends. I want to encourage you that when you pray that you pray for yourself first. Why? It's like being in an airplane and the oxygen masks drop first you have to take the air before you can pass the mask. Take air, friends, breathe and pray over yourself first so that you will have the strength and stamina to pray over others.
Maybe you don't know the Bible or feel like that is just too big of a leap of faith. I get that too. I'm old school and would suggest that you go to You-tube and listen to U2's song "40". Grace is that the song is less than three minutes. The song "40" is based on Psalm 40 and I think you will find it "fascinating" to listen, ponder, and just breathe to.
Thanks for reading. I would adore if you share this blog with others and allow my words to flow beyond just those that I know. Have an incredible week, friends. If you have a prayer request it would be my honor to pray for you. Feel free to message me with prayer requests.
May you walk in mercy and peace ; Sherry
