Choke On It

This afternoon our lab, Daisy Lou, got in the trash and had a bag over her muzzle.  As she was running around the house playing catch me she started to hyperventilate. Did she give up the chase....nope.  Dale, my sonshine, finally had enough and yelled at her, "I give up, Daisy,  just choke on it!".

That statement although rude expressed his exasperation with the dog.  One of Daisy's fav games is to nab something that we like, love, or have used and run around with it daring us to chase her.  It made me think that in lots of ways we as humans are very "Daisy-like".

I know I have creature comforts that I love.  Things like warm coffee in the morning, listening to music, watching Netflix, and doing artsy stuff.  It causes me to ponder how much of those creature comforts are more like my own will.  They are my own plastic bags that I run around with trying to be daring, cool, or gain attention when the only true attention I need to be focused on is my Heavenly Father.  It baffles me to think how many personal choices I make that God shakes his head at and thinks, "she's gonna choke on that". 

It causes me to be aware at this moment & evaluate my day. I've had a parade of trips to the bathroom today because the newbie meds. I've been cranky because of this until the most recent.  As I was washing my hands in warm water and soap I began to praise God for my home, the bathroom that was messy but clean, running water, toilet paper, and soap & water to wash up afterward.

Funny how I had been in the bathroom most of the day but forgot to praise God for what I feel are essential items ; indoor plumbing, warm water, toilet paper, soap.  Those items that I deem essential for my life are but in reality there are others without them.  If I got real and listed all my creature comforts most are not essential but make life a lot easier.

What is essential is the praise that we need to give our Heavenly Father through the fun, joys, sorrow, and miserable times.  He designed us to be able to look beyond our mere circumstances into his light.  To see ourselves and others as He does.

I believe much of our days would look outstanding if we dropped the "plastic bags" that are causing us to hyperventilate and choke.  For me that would be my words which are my sword to the world.  When the going gets tough so does my attitude, my language, and my words.  I'm finding that when my world stinks this year to hunker down and start to praise God for the small stuff that surrounds me.  Praise pops that "plastic bag" of gloom, anger, and ridicule.  It causes a weight to be lifted in my mind, heart, and spirit.

This year has been spent in soul searching and reflection for me.  There have been moments that I felt like I was choking as I went through radiation, chemo, and financial insecurities.  What I've found is that praise pops that "plastic bag" of fear, insecurity, self loathing, and doubt. Instead of hyperventilating on the "plastic bag" I give praise. Praise fills my mind, spirit, and body with light that I breath into my life.

Hoping today that you pop the "plastic bag" that causes you to hyperventilate and choke through praise in the Lord.  Know there are no right or wrong ways to praise...just do it!

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• I've got the week off from chemo and just did blood work and a check in yesterday.  I'm still concerned about the pain that I'm experiencing, frequent bathroom trips, etc. I've been joking that chemo is my newbie "lifestyle choice".  Prayfully, the injections this round will be effective & efficient.  
• Our family was remarkably blessed with movie passes and went to see the newbie Star Wars movie on Christmas. 
• I've got two WOW (workshops on wheels) planned in the coming weeks for a preschool and daycare.  It is my thrill to get to share my love of art, being crafty, and teaching.  If you would like to know more or schedule one for your facility please let me know.
• I finished writing my parts of lesson plans for a newbie children's ministry curriculum this past week.  I love being able to design materials that will inspire a newbie generation of believers. Now I wait until the new year for another writing assignment from my group.
• This week I'm going through my Etsy stash and gifting coats to friends that work with a homeless ministry.  Scarves, texting gloves, and legwarmers to other cancer patients in the KC area.  And, finally, making plans for workshops in The Artroom that I would like to teach.  I'm praying on offering tutoring classes for students weekly and perhaps a monthly GNO (girls night out).  Please pray and dream with me.  
• This week I've got both the kids home from school and am enjoying "hoarding" them to myself.  Yesterday, we went to KC for me to do bloodwork, had lunch, and reconnected. They helped me fix some small stuff today around the house today.  And, tomorrow we will do the WOW (workshop on wheels) together.  

Unbelief is Our Only Limit

 One of the joys of a small town is during the holidays.  This week we had Santa come through neighborhoods riding on a fire truck.  When we got the paper this week there was a special section devoted to kid holiday art & letters to Santa.

I love the enthusiasm, trust, and merit that the kids placed in Santa.  I adore that they questioned him, requested what they wanted, and praised him for being, well, Santa. What if we as believers in Christ had that same enthusiasm, trust, and merit like kids do?  It made me think of John 14:12.^"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father". 
  
I've always loved this verse since I was a kid.  It made me feel powerful even though I was young and little.  It made me believe that God had remarkably made me and that adults should follow my lead. That "lead" as a kid would have meant walking to Dunkin Donuts for munchkin donuts each morning, then heading a couple of blocks up to the library for story time & to check out books.  Yeah, that is the mind of a childlike Sherry.  But, in reality, it was unquestioned faith, an enthusiasm to sing and praise Him, and trust Him above all others that the verse is talking about.

I adore the idea of writing letters to God with the same zeal, trust, and merit that kids do to Santa.  This year I've started writing a letter to God most mornings that holds praise, trusts him with my fears, and honors the provisions he makes for myself and my family. Generally, it takes less than thirty minutes but leaves me feeling unashamed, refreshed, and ready for the day.  

Because I've found my voice, contentment, and refreshment in writing these letters it was my goal to write each of my kids a letter and make them a journal. I started making their leather bound journals yesterday.  I find myself contemplating what to write to each of my kids and praising God that I never have to contemplate my convos with Him.  

Peace be with You- Sherry

Updates:

•  This week I had a steroid shot and did a consult over the newbie chemo and meds. I've learned that Imodium is my newbie friend over the past week.  I'll have my second chemo injection in January but daily take meds.  
• Bragger Believer Moment: we had a water pipe burst on Sunday and within an hour we had the water shut off , the pipe repaired by a friend, and a wet dry vac borrowed to clean up the mess.  It has allowed me to redefine my Etsy shop space and start to organize it better. Thankful for a God that shows up with provisions for our family.
• Last week I got confirmation that my Christmas request I gave my cancer counselor was going to happen. Our door frame has been broken over a year and my gift that I wanted was to have it repaired. Accessibility Remodeling came out yesterday and got the door frame replaced and a newbie door in its place.  
• We are planning a quiet Christmas at home this year and maybe a trip to the movies. This year cancer has taught our family to bond together rather than break & trust our heavenly Father which is gift in itself.

Prince Of Peace

"For unto us a Child shall be born, to us a Son shall be given. And, the government shall be upon His shoulder, And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace "  Isiah 9:6

"Ain't no rest for the wicked.  Money doesn't grow on trees.  I've got bills to pay, mouths to feed, ain't nothing in this life for free"...song lyrics but wowsies, so true in life.  We get so colluded in our own search to pay bills, keep our kids safe, and have some quality of life that we forget we are free. That is where the challenge starts.

The past couple of weeks I've been denying my freedom through Christ. I feel bound and gagged but my world.  Cancer is a fierce foe. I've got nodules in my stomach that were reduced with radiation and chemo but require further chemo and maintenance meds in order to keep them from growing or shrink them more. Sprinkle in the woes of borrowing a car to get to your doc appointments along with a dash of guilt over finances.  You've got a wicked recipe for self absorption.

No matter who you are or what your circumstances its easy to get caught up in self absorption.  Its so human to buckle under the pressure, get on a pity pot, and refuse to see any of the gracious goodness that God has blessed you with.  Some days you must praise for the small stuff and there are other more glorious days that you get to praise for the large.

 What I've forgotten to do this week is to praise God for either.  Instead, I've been a crabby kid filled with anxiety and turmoil.  On Tuesday I went to KC to start a newbie chemo plan that will hopefully stop the nodules from growing or spreading.  I paid the chemo for the month and in doing so over-drafted our bank account because I didn't check before I just did.  I was so focused on going, doing, and self absorption that I didn't think of the smalls like checking our bank account.  I didn't find until Ted walked in the door after work and asked me about it. By that time I was already feeling the physically bad and then the mental mind game started to flood my spirit.  I had failed my family to keep them financially safe.  Failed Ted that he doesn't even have gas money to get to work.  And, from there my self absorption grew, festered, and hurt.

Its Christmas time and I was reminded of the Isaiah 9:6. It promises that through Jesus we've got a  "wonderful counselor, mighty God, everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace".  I know this in my core.  I rely on my Heavenly Father to confide all my worries and fears to.  I know He is mighty creating provisions for me and my family.  I believe He is everlasting, omnipresent, and the light into this world.  But what I failed to remind myself is that He is the "Prince of Peace".  That means there is nothing worldly that we face that can not and will not be conquered by His peace when we beacon it.  It is a peace that covers all the anguish, guilt, sin, and fear that we face.  It is a peace that washes over us daily as a sweet release from the here in now.  It allows our hearts to be full, our minds at ease, and our bodies rest.

This year I've been learning what God's peace is all about.  Through radiation & chemo I may have cried but then felt a resolve that all was well.  Cancer has taken its toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally but I feel an inner peace.  A peace that allows me to joke that cancer is a worthy foe but something far greater is going to take me out.  Peace that crashes what the world throws in my path and does not allow me to be defeated.  But I have to beacon that peace for myself.  I have to call on Christ to bring "heaven on Earth"  for me and my family through his peace.  I have to trust in his peace to wash over each of us daily, allowing us to trust him, and give him control over our fears & hurts. 

Peace be with you

Updates:

1. Emily finished her finals this week.  She signed up for two classes for next semester. God is good.

2. We have been trying to save for a down payment on a friends car.  Since I overdrafted our account this week we are at square one of trying to save again.  It is bittersweet in trying to choose what we can afford ; chemo or transportation.

3. My birthday was Friday.  A friend gifted me with gas money for Ted for work for next week. Emily made my fav cake ; angel food confetti. I was crabby on Friday. Emily told me to stop it.  She shared that it was my birthday and a day to celebrate because she and Dale have a mom...love that girl for bringing perspective into my day.

4. Ted and I worked today on a budget and trying to handle the overdraft.  Its hard situation but we are determined to work it out together.  If you would like to help head to my Etsy shop, stop by the house to go through scarves, legwarmers, and texting gloves.  Any purchases will help me to afford chemo and then Ted can focus his checks on saving for a car for me. 

5. Dale and I are working with Blue and Daisy on commands so they can be tested as therapy pets. Over winter break if you have a child that would like to come and read to one of them that would be swell.  Please send me a message and we will work out a time.

6. Open Artroom is each Sunday from 3-6 pm.  Each Sunday there will be an art project that is appropriate for all ages.  This Sunday is a snowman made from an old spring.  The materials are provided & it is come and go as you wish.  We will have the "tip jar" out if you chose to donate to keep our community creative.

Revolver

I recently got a set of four Beatles drinking glasses and adore them.  The best was that one of them has the album cover for Revolver my fav Beatles album.  I told my fam that if they broke one of the other three it would be sad but I'd get over it but to not use the Revolver one because its my fav & if anyone breaks it I should be it....lol.

The whole idea of the word "revolver" tripped something in my mind over this past week.  My journal is filled with words describing being a "revolver" meaning someone that keeps having the same thing happen, doing the same, and never varying from the status quo.  I feel that after last week and still being a financial crunch, having cancer nodules...shrunk as they may in my stomach, and trying to figure out a solution to it all.  I also journaled that rather than being a "revolver" that God was creating me into a "evolver".  Evolving means changing yet keeping the some of the same characteristics. I tried to figure out how to share that and thought a revolving door was a great example.

Who knows what a revolving door is ? As I worked on writing this blog it came to mind that most doors are automated these days.  For those that don't know a revolving door is one that runs in a 360 degree pattern and that you gently push and walk its circular path to get inside or outside.

I've been working through some tough emotions this past week.  I've been a little over a month and half without chemo or meds that I need.  I've entrusted by filling out financial paperwork & being abundantly honest about what we can afford when it comes to treatment.  I say I'm blessed to have done what I can do and leave it to God to handle because I haven't a clue of how to make it work.

It feels like a revolving door of doom & gloom...yeah, I said that in my best Eeyore voice (you know the donkey from Winnie the Pooh).  I'm challenged daily to keep going.  Challenged to find the silver lining, the beacon of light, and to be the light to others through the darkness.

My one insight is when the revolving door of doom & gloom beacons for me to enter that God keeps that door revolving until I spot the light.  The light of the moment, the humor in the situation, or the grace laid before me.

This past week I was not a good light catcher.  I cried, whined, complained, and was snarky. I allowed sass to be my weapon of choice rather than grace.  Instead of remaining hopeful I let what physically challenged me to rule.  I chose to let the physical, emotional, and financial pains isolate me from my Heavenly Father rather than to draw me closer to Him.  Have you been there?  Have you walked through the revolving door and refused to push it or walk on?  Let the worlds darkness envelop, isolate, and abuse you?

Its an easy trap to get stuck in the revolving door and stay put and choose not to walk into the light. It's not comfy or calm but grueling and futile. I think so many times we feel stuck or trapped that we forget to walk.  It feels like life is at a stand still and so what do we do ...stand still.

What can we do? Deliberately and intuitively walk.  Within that walk start to give praise to your Heavenly Father for what you do have.  For me that would be Him who knows, loves, and created me. My kids who love their crazy hazy mom & steadfast hubby.  I also am blessed with a comfy bed my very own "therapy pets".  I adore that when I'm in KC through radiation, chemo, blood draws, scans, and more that the one thing that silences my fears is the idea of coming home.

Once all those praises come out you can see the light.  Sometimes the light is a sliver and sometimes it could blind you.  It doesn't matter you keep WALKING.  If you don't see a sliver of light after praise you keep WALKING.  The light may not be instantaneous for you to see but I guarantee that it is there waiting to erupt from the shadows, the murkiness, and the dark.

There is something satisfying to me within this blog. It brings solace to my soul which is still walking the revolving door.  My revolving door has me feeling within my body and spirit that I need to make choices about chemo meds soon. I've allowed the darkness to overshadow my light this past week because I've been bogged down with trying to meet my health care needs.  Rather than receiving God's natural light or His light from within myself I've put on sunglasses and kept walking the revolving door.  This blog has enlightened me to what I know which is ; WALK, praise, WALK, praise, WALK, praise, and keep me head up for the light to shine upon me.

May each of you keep walking, praising, and take a deep breath to see the light God has placed within you. Peace be with you- Sherry

UPDATES:

• Last week I got approval via the hospital for my mammogram but not my insurance company.  I waited most of Tuesday in KC to hear they had approval but the tech that was set to do my mammogram had left for the day.  They told me that I could come back in the morning at 7am to have it done and I said "no". I borrow a gal pal's car : 1. I wouldn't have a ride, 2. insurance won't cover the mammogram until my birthday, and 3. I was worn out physically and emotionally. I'm planning to do my mammogram on December 16, my birthday, to ensure that insurance will cover it.  
• I headed to another dispensary aka pharmacy this week to see what med costs would be and if I qualify for any additional financial aid via their hospital.  I should know within the next couple of weeks.  I contacted an agency for cancer patients to help pay for meds. They are sending me forms to fill out and told me that any determinations of assistance will be dealt with in January.
• Physically & emotionally this past week has taken a toll on me.  My bff nausea is back. From walking on Tuesday in KC my feet and ankles swelled so it was hard for me to get my shoes and socks off.  Ted and Emily wound up helping me. 
• Emily has a final in her lab tonight and then a final for her Anatomy & Physiology class next week.  Pray that God calms any test anxiety she may have & that she can focus.  She has started to drive again to class keep her in your prayers that she is safe behind the wheel.  
• Open Artroom continues to be open each Sunday from 3-6 pm.  Feel free to stop by, create, or just gab.  It will do wonders for your spirit and mine as well.