Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Matthew 17:14-21:
14 And when they came to the crowd, a man came up to him and, kneeling before him, 15 said, “Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is an epileptic and he suffers terribly. For often he falls into the fire, and often into the water. 16 And I brought him to your disciples, and they could not heal him.” 17 And Jesus answered, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me.” 18 And Jesus rebuked the demon,[b] and it came out of him, and the boy was healed instantly. 19 Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” 20 He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” [21 However, this kind does not come out except by prayer and fasting.]”

I love seeing and hearing about all the vacation plans that people have. I honestly do and am content with staying here if it means that that Emily can start her classes next week, I can deal with my health junk, and that we can be content.  But what has crept up in my world to be the ultimate summer vacation ...."Guilt Trip".

Can I just whine for a moment? This past month has been a whirlwind for me.  Why?  I'm working on opening up my artroom to monthly workshops for kiddos & adults.  And, it's been stressful to say the least.  Throw in my colonoscopy and another doctor's visit and that adds up with money being spent. They found pre-cancerous polyps in my biopsy....there comes some heartache.  I've had a migraine headache since last week .  Next week, Emily starts out at Longview.  She can't drive right now because of her seizures and I need to find her a ride back home a couple of times a week.  And, I feel a little heartbroken with it all if I'm being honest.

I've been fighting the good fight to be accountable to my family & friends with my health.  And, I've got some more hurdles that have been propped up before me and I'm tired. My body literally hurts and I long for a nap most days than not.  I'm stressed to the gills over the expense of my doctor's visits each month and feel guilty to my kids and hubby for having them.  I'm overwhelmed with anxiety on opening up my artroom.  What if people don't come to the workshops?  What if I'm doing the wrong thing and it is only gonna end up in ridicule and heartbreak?  And, then, my head starts to pound and tears flow.

What is it about myself that I feel guilty about just basic things?  Have you ever been there or still are there?  I sure do hope there are some more of us "guilty" folk out there.  And, why are we feeling guilty or heartbroken?  Have we done something incredibly wrong or hurt many?  Nope, I'm just challenged in my life, my walk with God, and my actions daily.  That is enough to throw me on the "Guilt Express".

I think my first trip on the "Guilt Express" started when I was a kid.  My mom would "mom guilt" me into wearing the frilly dresses that literally sent me running for the bathroom to throw up. But I knew my mom loved to buy me those dressy and loved to see me in them so I said nothing. I just wore them . At Sunday School they called my mom because I was getting sick.  When she got there she talked with me and I told her I was fine that the dress was making me crazy and I got sick from it.  From then on she let me pick my own outfits, clothes, etc. because she didn't realize how those little things effected me.  When we shopped when I was older she would hold up something frilly and ask if it was a puker.....yeah, we were able to laugh about it.   Are you as sensitive of a soul as me?  Worried that you will look bad, stupid, or foolish in your Sunday best dress in your life? 

Yesterday, I had a truly un-fab day.  I had to call a couple of gal pals to fix a problem....yes, the KCPL guy showed up because we didn't pay the bill. I found the unopened bill on top of my frig that morning after he knocked on the door.  I asked the guy if he could give me a little bit of time to make some phone calls because I didn't have a check to give him and if I did it wouldn't be good until Friday when Ted gets paid.  God blessed me with two gal pals that showed up within 15 minutes to get the bill paid, let me rant, cry, and just love on me.  How precious is that?  But after they left I cried some more and felt guilty about having to call them in the first place.  I felt guilty about not taking care of the bills and having Ted do it.  I felt guilty that I showed him how to budget stuff but never double checked everything he was doing .  As, I write this I think good grief, Sherry, you can't be all places at all times, give yourself a break.

Insert deep breath.  I need to thank my Heavenly Father today that he is at all places and times.  He gives us a break. He'll guide us if we just let him.  And, isn't it remarkable that he gave me two friends that I didn't feel ashamed to call & ask for help?  Ok, I'm feeling a little better now.

But what about the workshops I want to do.  I'm a teacher at my core and love it.  I've got health issues that I need the ability to work around.  I'm blessed with an artroom in my house, the ability to teach, and the courage to offer the workshops. But I feel the "Guilt Train" rolling in and bringing fear to my soul, frantic & worry to my spirit, and my mind is filled with "don't bother you can't do that".  Then I hear within my spirit you have to try, Sherry, I've given you the perfect opportunity to do all the things that you need.

I want to look around in a frenzy, yell, kick, and scream because my world is less than perfect.   I'm riding the "Guilt Train" daily right now and have become comfortable with it.  I spend money on doctor's visits, tests, and meds which take away from my family.  Ted works hard each day.  Instead of being grateful I want him to take on the job of paying the bills and being diligent about it when he's never liked doing it.  I've worked with the kids to get our house in order, try to make simple repairs, and be their mom but I feel heartsick, discontent, and tired.  With that I hear the train rolling over the tracks. 

As,  I wrote that last paragraph it started to rain.  And, I have to laugh a little....really, God, I'm moping around, feeling guilty for not being the of all to all, and you send in the rain?  Being the gal that I am I see it as a metaphor for my life right now....all that is washed away, Sherry.  Now, go fight the good fight with what you do have, can do, and who you are designed to be.

I can't say the "Guilt Train" is chugging away from me at this point.  But I hear it in the distance tooting it's horn which is better than riding in it.  I think that each day I've gotta take it as it comes and feel blessed to be with my kids, my hubby, and live.  If I worry about all the things that I could do or should do for them I will waste the time that I could be just living.  If I guilt myself into what I spend on doctor's visits each month I'll never go and that doesn't help.  Feeling guilty that I'm not worthy enough to open up my artroom I kid myself and everyone around me.  I know in my core that God designed me to be a teacher. I know that he's given me a great opportunity to reach others through creativity.  Why should that bring me guilt?  It doesn't when I hear those words.  It reminds me of the faith that I've got with my Heavenly Father. 

My statement for the week is : God has given me the great opportunity to reach others with creativity.  That might be what each of us needs to get off the "Guilt Train".  Write a simple mission statement for yourself.  It will be different for each of us but something that you feel in your core being. Now go, fight the good fight, and be who God designed you to be.

Keeping the Faith- Sherry

Updates:

1. Emily starts Longview next Monday.  She can't since her last seizure.  Ted is going to take her in the mornings.  She gets out around noon each day.  If anyone is able to help give her a ride home one day a week let us know.

2. I've got to go to the Cancer Center next week to plan my next trip to the urologist and to discuss my colonoscopy.  I think I'll have a better grip on things once I talk with my cancer counselor and get all the guilt that I feel out.

3. Pray that I can get some relief from the migraine headaches that I've been having.  I've had vertigo with them and spent last weekend sleeping.




 

Chasing A Ghost

 1 Samuel 12 : Feel free to read this when you can.  The jest of the scripture is to stop chasing after "Ghost Gods" and realize and praise our Heavenly Father.  It was just the scripture that I needed to help with the day ahead.

 I woke up this morning, started to do my usual stuff, and then sat on my bed and looked out at the day.  I instantly thought I need to just do lay down again.  Then, I heard "stop chasing ghosts".  Say what?  Who was that?  Are you a ghost?  And if you are who are you?

Well, I didn't get that answer but I was flooded with the overwhelming urge to start to write it all down.  I found myself thinking about growing up and in particular my junior high days.  I don't talk much about them or high school.  Why?  Well, that would literally be waking up a ghost that has been dead within me for years. 

Why wake it up now?  Maybe it was the David Bowie cd I bought last week that I've been listening to like I did back in the day.  Or it could be that I've been unsettled for a while from my pastor asking if there was ever anyone that felt invisible at home and Dale's friend raised his hand.  That blew me away.  All I could do is hug the kid and tell him I see him and love him.  I told him that I'm never more than a call away and I'd always be there. 

Why did I do that?  Why do I feel so essential about connecting to others and reaching for those I feel that are hurting?  I've been that person as a teenager, that person as a wife and mom, and that person as I struggle with what to do with my life.  Be creative or go back and teach.  I've been the lost soul that feels like no one sees them or cares.  But I know in my heart and spirit it was all lies and manipulations that the enemy said to me.


I think the enemy started his manipulations when I was in junior high. What happened in seventh grade?  My mom worked nights and my dad worked days just like always.  They weren't super involved unless you told them about something.  My older brother who I loved had become an alcoholic.  Most days he was passed out or gone when I got home from school.  But some days he was home, awake, drunk, and abusive.  He would start with calling me names and yelling at me if I was lucky.  If I wasn't he would hit me to break the "pretty" in me. That's what he called it.  I told my mom about it but she took my brother's side and told me not be so bitchy to him.  She never saw my brother drink and was sure that I was just being "dramatic". The worst came the day that he yelled at me and then grabbed me by my hair and turned on the burner of the gas stove in the kitchen.  He told me that I wasn't going to be so pretty or smart once he burned my face off.  That scared me , I kicked him, sprayed cleaner into his eyes and ran like hell to my friend's house. He tore off after me yelling at me.  I was blessed that day that my friend's mom pulled in the driveway and saw me coming.  She knew something was wrong and sent me into her house and said to lock the doors.  She told my brother to go home and sleep it off.  She refused to let me go with him and told him she was going to call our parents.  What she did was call my dad and make a plan that I didn't have to be home until he was home from there on out.

Yeah, in seventh grade, the enemy came to visit me and all those lies that my brother said & it started to become my reality.  I wasn't pretty, smart, and he knew a way that I could just get out.  I found myself hanging out with friends that could make the enemy shut up and end the pain I felt through "self medication".  What's that mean?  Well, two friends had access to their old sibling's stash.  Another friend was left mostly at his big house alone because of his dad's job.  That meant we had a place to hang out, could use his dad's stash freely, and drink all the alcohol we could after a long day at school.  This went on for about a week and my mom confronted me.  She told me she knew the smell on my clothes and I was never to smell that way again.  What she and my dad didn't know is what I wore to school each day.  They were both too busy to notice.  So, I would wear one outfit and stash a clean one in my backpack.  We would take out backpacks out to the sun porch to stay while we went inside to get high.  Then we would change our clothes and wash the ones from school.  It was a genius plan that lasted over two years for me.

When I went to high school it started off the same as junior high with the same circle of friends.  The difference is that my brother got a second DWI that year.  My dad sat with me and told me he knew what I was doing after school.  He told me how my brother was breaking my mom's heart.  He then looked me in the eye and asked me to stop because he knew if I continued I would be a bigger mess than my brother.  He said that it would kill my mom and would me the end of him too.  My dad just never talked about his emotions but he opened up to me.  And, I stopped hanging out after school with my friends.  By the end of high school out of the eight of us there were four still alive.  I went to go hang out during Christmas break with two of them and they made me leave before their dealer came.  They told me I was too smart to hang out to with and that I needed to go back to college.  At the time it pissed me off and I went home to sulk.  How dare they not think I was cool enough to hang with them or that I was too snotty because I was in college.  I watched the news that night and saw a story on a shooting at an apartment complex. I saw on the screen my friends apartment complex and heard that a male and female had been in a drug related fatality. They were my friends not just a male and female, they had names, and ohh, if I knew what I knew now. 

Ohh, man, talking about chasing ghosts this morning.  All I could think of were that circle of eight and how we lived.  How six died so young.  Why do I still feel the pain of seeing one of them at school crying in the hall, shaking them, and asking what was wrong.  The pain of his refusal to tell, the feel of his sincere hug, and hearing a repeat of his words "it will be all right after this afternoon".  And, I at 17 thought it was going to be all right for him.  He went home and overdosed because his mom was going to put him in re-hab.  I feel the pain in my heart that I could have helped him, stayed with him, or called his mom.

 And, that is how the enemy attacks me this morning and many days.  He tells me the lies : you're not pretty, you're dumb, you aren't a friend,  everyone sees through you and what you are, you are nothing, you have no control over anything, you would be better off dying alone.  Yeah, I've heard those taunts since seventh grade.  They are enough to make me sob, shut me off from the people I love, and make me want to run away.  But this morning I heard from my Heavenly Father who shouted, "There is no time for chasing ghosts, Sherry.  Get up, get out there, and connect with people". 

Thank you Heavenly Father.  I'm up this morning to write about it and share in an effort to connect with people who hear those taunts too. You need to hear the truth of what our Heavenly Father says about you:   You are not alone, you are a friend, you are worthy of calling the king of kings, Father and He is in control.  And, when you take your last breath He is going to be there with you to take you home with Him. 

Know you are loved and cared for each and every day by the king of kings.  He has created and developed something unique within each of you.  I know that I'm creative, a teacher, and wife, and mom, and friend.  Those are the five things I choose to "chase" after today and each day.  I'm not quite sure how they all are supposed to work together but God does and for that I'm thankful.

Peace be with you-Sherry

Driver's Seat

For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.  Psalm 143:11

Wowsies, the last couple of weeks have flown by.  I've taken time to pray, reflect, and find the joy in life's messes.  I started thinking about learning to drive since Dale, my son, is getting ready to get his driver's permit over the summer.  Do you remember learning to drive?  Who taught you?

I remember learning to drive and it was my dad that taught me.  By that time in his life he was semi- retired and had the time.  My mom remembers laughing at the two of us and said it was never a dull moment.  Most of the lessons ended up with my dad yelling at me and telling me "Pull over and let someone who knows how to drive drive!".  And, he would drive us home and neither of us would talk to one another for a while.  When we did he would try to correct what I did wrong and tell me how to do it right.  Then he would question me over how to do it right.  When I went to driver's ed in high school I didn't really know what to do because my dad had told me "to pull over" so many times.  I remember being frustrated and ditching class.  Yeah, driver's ed is the one class that I got a big fat F in. 


I started thinking about the driving because of Dale but then thought of it metaphorically.  We are in the driver's seat as soon as we are born.  We make decisions all the time, right?  Or have we lived in the comfort of letting others make those big decisions?  I know as a kid my parents encouraged me to make decisions for myself.  But just like the driving lessons with my dad they would tell me to "pull over and let someone that knows how to drive drive".


If I'm honest I ran from that life when I started college in Missouri.  One of my friends said to me, "You know that your parents are 4 hours from here and by the time they would know anything it would be done".  Yeah, that was a beautiful start to my party princess, boyfriend of the week days.  But did I make the choices or just follow the pack?  Now, that I'm older I thought I was leading the pack but maybe I wasn't. 


What about getting married & having kiddos?  Was I in the driver's seat?  If I was in the driver's seat wouldn't I have been a financial planner, had kids when I chose to, and led a life of the gypsy traveler that I knew I was destined for ?  But nope, those dreams were left unfulfilled, promises that I made were left undone, and I never had the courage to do any of it.  My whole life I always thought I was the driver but I wasn't. The next thought, "your old and it's too late" came to mind. 

Yeah, some would say, "it's never too late" or "you don't have to settle".  Uggh, really?  Shoot, I went for a colonscopy last week and had a bag of prescriptions that I picked up from the pharmacy yesterday. My own daughter joked with me about having so many they put them in a big bag.  I told her that my essay I wrote as a senior about when to die was about right.  I showed her the wrinkles that I see on my hands and know that is "too old".  Then I go to get my prescriptions and see the big bag and just have to roll my eyes.  Ohh, in case you are wondering in my essay in high school 40 was the age limit and I'm 45....uggh.  Ever had one of those moments? 

Last night I prayed about the uncomfortableness that I've been feeling in my spirit and soul.  It's an ache and pain to be 19 again and have a do over.  The kind of do over where you are in the driver's seat and unstoppable. I wouldn't be entangled by a marriage, kids, or a home.  I would be free to move every 5-10 years to a new place on my list of where to live.  And, if I lived to be 40 I would take time to settle down from being a financial planner and go back to college to get my degree to teach. 

Wow, what a gypsy I wanted to be.  I'm still that gypsy wanna be in my heart....shoot, look how the first thing I do when I get hurt or scared is.  I run from it.  I have the grace this morning to realize that I may not have been in the driver's seat but I know who was : God.  He saved me from myself.  He made me look twice each day that I passed the lab school in college and would see the kids in the playground.  He opened my heart for teaching as a 20 something who knew that I wouldn't make the bank like I would with being a financial planner.  But I knew that I loved each moment in the classroom more than the money in the bank.

 He graced me with meeting my party peep match in Ted.  We were souls that wandered from one good time to the next.  We didn't want to allow someone to get too close because that would slow us down.  God knew that we were two lost souls that needed one another and so we met, dated, broke up, dated, and broke up a zillion times.  I could honestly say that Ted was my best friend and the man that God wanted me to marry.  Shoot, who else would have known how I loved to shop and ask me to marry him at the mall?    God saw to it that I turned rather than taking the path I was on when I married Ted.

I was graced by my kids.  They caused my brakes to kick in.  I learned to be selfless in my actions and love unconditionally. I learned that having feeling doesn't make you weak it allows you to grow inner strength. I threw out the map of my life by having them. I allowed them to become the mapmakers that showed me the way.  I don't regret any journey that my "mapmakers" have taken me on.

 Whose ultimately in the driver's seat in you life?  It's something that we've all got to figure out.  Something that is precious to our core & priceless to our well being.  I solemnly believe that if God is the driver we don't need to have to "pull over and let someone who knows how to drive drive". He already has it handled.  He allows for the curves, the changes in direction, and knows the map like no one else.  I know that I need to settle my spirit and soul and focus in on Him.  If and when we do He never steers us wrong.

My challenge this week is going to keep a journal of joys.  These past couple of weeks I've felt physical pain from my body.  I feel better most days but I've been achy, whiny, and frustrated. My blood work last month wasn't good so I got the colonoscopy last week.  One of my former students was my nurse....yeah, God has a great sense of humor.  She asked if I was still teaching and I told her about being creative and she said how brave I was.  Shoot, that should be the first thing that I write in my journal of joys.  What are you going to write in yours?

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• Emily got a call from the business office at Longview this week.  We owe $60 for her tuition.  God is good.
• My colonoscopy showed some polyps which are being biopsied.  The doctor gave me a prescription, yeah, another for my big bag.  
• I'm working creatively this week after resting up for about a week.  I'm not sure why I'm so tired and achy but know that God's got it.  I'm thankful for a borrowed saw, some freebie branches and creativity that comes from God.  

Messy Buisness

"Now thanks be unto God which always causeth us to triumph in Christ" 2 Corinthians 2:14

How was last week for you?  Were you able to curb that mean girl and go forward with the gal that God designed you to be?  I'm here to say that I was able to a majority of the time but fell short several times this past week.  I call all my creative projects, WIPS, which stands for work in progress....I'm sure that God shakes his head with my mouth this past week & says "That Sherry is a WIP". 

I was listening to the radio a couple of weeks ago and the song by Vance Joy came on called, "Mess is Mine".  If you've never heard it feel free to You-tube.  I feel in love with it a while back but was reminded why recently.  The lyric " This mess was yours but now this mess is mine".  Wowsies, what girl doesn't want to be told that?  We all look for the knight in shining armor to shoop in & save the day when stuff gets bad. 

I know that growing up that guy was my dad.  He literally took on all our messes and made them work, do-able, and restored my brother & I .  When I met Ted my dad instantly liked him.  Ted met my parents for the first time on an Easter weekend when we were in college.  I had packed half of my stuff in my car to take home for the summer.  And, Ted, carried it all into the basement for me and my dad watched.  My dad walked up to me and said, " Anyone that would carry all your junk so I don't have to is all right".

When I married Ted I knew he had issues but being the optimist that I am I knew that God & I could work them out....yeah, notice I didn't say just God?  I constantly have to be in the mix.  Some people call it "strong willed", "controlling", or "power hungry".  I would say all three fit nicely to describe me.  Shortly, after we were married I realized what I had gotten myself in with Ted and was to ashamed to admit defeat.  I lived with him and his crazy until our daughter was two.  I prayed on my hands and knees for God to fix the mess that my life had become with the sincerity of my soul.  I couldn't fix Ted, I couldn't fix our marriage, and I was living with the shame of it all.  God answered my prayers and provided me with people to help me.  And, I saw what God could do once I relinquished control and He was allowed to take over Ted's world.  God worked Ted's problems out by putting people in his world to help him, a Bible that he read, and acceptance & willingness in his heart.

Now, me, well, I'm a strong willed, capable, controlling WIP.  Yeah, I still do think that my way is the best way most days.  I love to extend myself out to help others but really wish they would just see things my way.  And, yes, I'm here to help clean up the "messes" for my hubby, the kids, our dogs, friends, and others around me.  Within the last couple of years with my medical stuff I wasn't able to be the end all of all and it hit me hard.  I couldn't volunteer because I didn't feel good.  I actually had to learn to ask for help from others, and I learned how to say "I love you" to not only Ted and the kids but to my friends and mean it.

Why?  Because I learned that all my strong will, capable, controlling didn't help me.  I was too prideful to ask for help so I didn't get any.  I was in too much pain & thought that God wanted to break me.  That he was cruel and wanted everyone to see what a mess I was.  One of my greatest fears is to disappoint others....and God was doing that to me.  I know he hated the messes that I made when I was younger, the choices that were less than pleasing, and the way I continued to be controlling, strong willed, capable on my own.

Last fall I was blessed to come to the conclusion that God isn't cruel, ruthless, and doesn't want our fears to be our reality.  He literally wants to say "Hold on!  Your mess was yours but now this mess is mine".  I absolutely know that is the truth and I love how a song on the radio reminded me of the blessing that God gave me.  He takes on our messes, battles, and struggles full force because he loves us.  What do we have to do?  Stop, seek Him, pray, and allow him to take over. 

I've learned that doesn't mean that I stop.  It means that I allow him to guide and direct the "mess".  I called and got Emily to a neurologist last week.  I called and got the colonscopy scheduled for tomorrow.  I've known the doctors want it done but my old fears kick in.  All along I have to hum "your mess was yours but now this mess is mine" and believe that God is going to help me through it. 

Are you willing to give your "mess" up today?  Or is that just too crazy to talk about?  I hear you, been there and done that. I will challenge you to do it each and every day.  Give God the opportunity to allow you to be a WIP and take on your mess.  

God bless your mess & mine- Sherry

UPDATES:

1. Emily went last week to Dr. Hedges, a neurologist, in Lee's Summit.  She is changing Em's meds around at this point.  The blessing is that Em has May to get the meds regulated before she starts classes in June at Longview.

2. Pray for Emily.  She broke down last week in tears.  She shared with us how hard it has been to come home to help me.  She told us that she thought it would give her time to re-group though.  Em told us how heartbroken she is that she's not going to be a dentist because she's had that goal since she was 3.  She is struggling with what she is going to do with her life and how to go into Mission Work.  Pray for her that she's able to give up her "mess" and make it God's and allow Him to take over and heal her wounded heart, spirit, and mind.

3. My colonscopy is tomorrow.  I'm officially on my cleanse in a few hours...lol.  Once it is done and we know the results we can go from there.  I also have to see a urologist soon.  I have a fear factor of the cancerous mass that burst while getting out my left ovary has spread.  I'm praying that those fears be silenced and that the doctors and tests help in silencing them. 

4. The pics this week are from the Ladies Tea at my church.  I was blessed to be a hostess and have Emily there to help me.  Our current sermon series is on "The Pride" meaning like lions.  So, I called the log in the center of my table "Pride Rock".  I clipped scripture and family pics of the gals at my table (Facebook is a wonderful resource sometimes).  Then, I laid two old Bibles I have from older friends that really loved and helped me in my Christian walk who have passed away.  I told me gals that we were a "pride" and I was here to take care of them, had been praying for them, and loved each of them.  It was my joy last week to do & I've continued to pray for each gal this week too.