Vulnerable Who Wants To Be That?

1 Peter 2:4-5 this week and it seems like the clever distraction I need;  "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ". 

I have woke up to Aretha Franklin's "Rock Steady" each day this week in my head. The song is a personal fav and my jam this spring. It reminds me that even when I feel like I am unsteady and the world is coming in to smother me it won't happen. It allows me to feel life, dance around my art studio or kitchen, and lets me trust I can "rock steady" on the rock that is Christ Jesus. 

This spring I have began to write my testimony that I will share. I've been asking God to guide my words and give me the excerpts of my life that need to be shared. The word that I got was "scars". Visible scars like the one on my chin or my left arm. Then there invisible scars that only your heart and soul know. Those invisible ones ae what I am struggling to write about. 

The girl that loves words and is a nerd is at a loss for words, friends. I've told myself to just shut up about it all for so long that to bring it out into the light feels scary. I brings back old words like ; unworthy, sinner, slut, and murderer. The same words that I have worked 28 years to replace with worthy, forgiven, jewel, and beloved. Old words are like old scars hard to replace when you write let alone when you speak. 

This afternoon I had an email from the lawyer settling my mom's estate. It is almost done and there are some last minute details they need to talk to me about. The email excited me because I have been praying that the estate would get done this month. I have been praying that it would be done so I can afford to pay for my son's college class this summer. Done so I could afford the scans and appointments to specialists for my own health needs. Done so that I would have a beautiful blessing from my mom. The mom that God gave me. The mom with dementia that loved me enough to bless me. 

I'm pondering this afternoon the scar that is left from my mom. The scar of being without contact with her for almost 15 years. The scar that the words spoken by a woman with dementia 15 years ago were the truth. Most days I could navigate this one but for the past two months I have been writing about invisible scars and didn't even consider this one. 

I have to take heart and take a big breath that I am not the only one. I am not the only one that has put those invisible scars in a box and left them there. I started to proofread this and went to take out the part about my mom thinking it really isn't part of it...but friends it is. She is the reason that I'm alive. The reason that I know Jesus. The pain from 15 years without a mom because dementia took her is a lot. I don't know how to explain those emotions or that scar right now. 

I have been reflecting on 1 Peter 2:4-5 this week and it seems like the clever distraction I need;  "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ". 

It reminds me I am the new words; chosen, beloved, jewel, worthy. Read that scripture friends you are chosen and precious. You may have been at one point rejected by someone but never by our Heavenly Daddy. He created you and calls you chosen and precious. Our Heavenly Daddy is there when we are vulnerable. That feels remarkable. 

Five years ago when I I started the five year plan I knew that I was supposed to write and speak about my invisible scars with transparency. Year one, two, three, and four passed by and I said thanks but no thanks. Year five is here and to be complete and free I have to be not transparent as I once thought but vulnerable. 

If you would have asked me 5 years ago to be vulnerable I would have looked you in the eye and given you a small glimpse. Not enough of a glimpse to be vulnerable. This year I am having to trust our Heavenly Daddy with everything. It is total surrender, freefall, and taking a deep breath. It is doing a hard thing. My mom's death was a hard thing. Settling her estate is a hard thing. Writing about my past for two months has been a heartbreaking thing. 

If you are in a similar place or maybe you are telling God not this year I get it. Maybe you have lived a life of half truths in order to cover those scars. I understand because I have to. If transparency makes you want to throw up in your mouth you are not alone.  I believe that our Heavenly Daddy is calling me into the light. I believe is calling you into the light too. Come a little further in the life giving water of Jesus. Connect closer and see you are chosen and precious. 

May You Walk In Mercy & Peace & Rock Steady; Sherry

UPDATES; 

*I am heading to South Dakota at the end of this month. I feel God telling me to fund raise for the trip. In South Dakota I will be masking up and working with Native American kids out at Boys & Girls Club in Marty doing art. I will be meeting with friends and bearing God's light. I will be speaking and being vulnerable for the first time in 28 years...no half truths just vulnerability. After praying I hear from God all that is necessary is me. If you would like to help me financially with my mission trip please send me a message for my address, Venmo, or Paypal info. 

*We will find out the results from Emily's MRI next week. The other tests will take a bit longer but by May we will know those results too. Today she is 148 days seizure free...thank you Heavenly Daddy for the  miracle that is Emily & the one you gave her. 

*My son, Dale, is having a hard semester because of his class load. If you would pray mercy and grace over him that would be swell. He will be traveling for his major this summer in an apprenticeship geology camp. I would appreciate prayers over our ability to pay for the program, his safety, and that it would be a once in a lifetime experience. 

*Emily, my husband, and I have all been vaccinated. I am thinking of re-opening my art studio for classes or private appointments to use my studio & materials. It has been a year and three and half months since my studio was open to kids or adults. If you would pray on that I would appreciate it. If you would like to send you kiddo to art camp or classes please let me know. If you are an adult and would like to come to Genesis art class where we mix faith and creativity please let me know. 

 

The Butcher

2 Peter 3:9 "The Lord isn't slow to do what he promised, as some people think. Rather, he is patient for your sake. He doesn't want to destroy anyone but wants all people to have an opportunity to turn to him and change the way they think and act". 

I was born a hope-r. What's that? It means that I see the silver lining in tough situations. I give the benefit of the doubt to the end. I see the world with rose colored glasses. I remember as a kid my mom saying to me to "take off the rose colored glasses and get real"...I had no idea what she meant because I didn't wear glasses. 

This week has been tough for me physically. I was losing my battle with a Crohns flare up from last week and then the first migraine hit. The migraine hit so hard in fact that I wanted nothing more than to wrap the covers around me and cry in my bed all day. The migraines have been relentless. I think that they are gone and by the afternoon they are back. I actually had a great day Saturday and then by 11:00 pm the migraine was back in full force. 

Last night was too much. Too much pain physically. By 3:30 in the morning I was in tears and begging God to help me. I felt a wave of warmth overcome me. I felt like our Heavenly Daddy was saying "hey, kid, what's wrong, tell me so I can fix it". It made me stop crying to surrender my pain and tell Daddy that I need the pain to stop so I could sleep. Within minutes I was sound asleep and woke up 4 hours later without a migraine and the swelling in my body was manageable. 

I asked our Heavenly Daddy for a word. Just give me a word, Daddy. It is what I have done since I was a kid and it always soothes my spirit. The word I got was "butcher" and I broke into tears, got dressed, and decided I was going to run away from home. Have you been there, friends, when the pain you feel physically or soulfully is so much it makes you want to run away? 

My grace is that my husband backed my red VW bug out of the garage for me to take. I took my Bible, my journal, and my sketchbook and stopped for a tea. I drove down the familiar highway out of my small town and asked again for a word. "Butcher" came again and tears flowed. I noticed my hawk in the sky. I decided to follow my hawk. My hawk led me to a park about 30 minutes from home. 

I felt strangely at peace as I watched the water flow from the dam. I remembered how my friend in South Dakota told me that flowing water is a symbol to release yourself and situations to God. I sat there and surrendered my burdens. I asked for a word. "Butcher, baker, candlestick maker". 

Ok, friends, it was that simple nursery rhyme about the three men a tub. Butcher wasn't meant as a personal dig at me. Here is what Butcher means; there are tough things that each of us have been through. It could be mean words or actions. It could be a current situation or one from childhood. It could be something that we have done or something that was done to us. When we hold onto those things we become the "butcher" because we choose how the world defines us. 

We are the "butcher" when we choose to believe we are less than a beloved child of God. We are the "butcher" when we choose to solve all our problems by ourselves. I am a "butcher" when I forget to let God in on all the details; from the small to the big. I was reminded today sitting in my car that I am not alone anymore. That I have accepted Christ and I can never ever be alone again because it doesn't work that way.  I am the daughter of the King of Kings. I am beloved, worthy, smart, capable, and make impeccable decisions with my Heavenly Daddy. 

I began to once again recognize the truth of who I am. I get the choice to say that was my past, it happened, and I am still here. I made it through. You get that opportunity too, friends, you are not your circumstance. You are strong, capable, and a beloved miracle of the King of Kings. You have purpose and promise from our Heavenly Daddy. 

Here is my story from this past week; I am physically not a 16 year old and have some medical problems that make me move slow. I am going to trust the migraines will cease and that the scans I have later this week will show I am as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside. I bought a new car last month and now it has a sound that is coming from it occasionally. The hubs checked it out this morning and believes there is a cover to something that is flapping. That does not make my decision to buy my car dumb or wasteful. It means I am listening to God and asking for his blessing with the car before I bought it and now.  I am surrendering the flap problem to God and asking for his protection over Emily and I because we have to use the new car tomorrow to go to MU and trust his goodness for my life and Emily's life. I trust God will keep us safe in the "silver fox" and that we will make it home safely so I can take it to my mechanic. I trust that when I share my testimony later this month that it will be a blessing to another. I trust that I am qualified to speak because God designed me to speak this year and be open and transparent. I am aligned with my Heavenly Daddy and I am not alone and never will be again to make decisions, when I am hurt, or when its the very best day ever. He shares it all with me and there is no other way. 

Friends, I have no idea what your story is from last week, last year, or now. I do know that I want to speak in life into you. I don't want you to be a "butcher" I want for you to be free. I will be praying that this encourages you. I would love for you to share this with others. If you would like me to pray over you and your situation please message me. It is my honor and privilege.  

Walk in Mercy and Peace; 

Sherry

Waves

I am suffering from a migraine and I am having a hard time breathing as I begin to type. I feel like I can't rest until I put words on paper...or in blog. I hear the word waves. Could it be the waves of pain, nausea, or just lack of air flow? Or could waves be something larger like an ocean wave? 

In reality I feel a rocking motion with the migraine and waves of nausea. But I think our Heavenly Daddy is after something bigger and broader. It is about my circumstances feeling crippled mentally and physically in this moment. It is about not losing hope or wonder in whom God created me to be and whom my Heavenly Daddy is. 

It is in faith and confidence that I can rock and roll through this day and the ones to come. It is in faith and confidence the little girl who didn't like her face wet has become a woman who roars to the waters and waves bring it on because I am the beloved daughter of the king. 

I am no longer that little girl that is scared of the water and petrified that I will drown. I am strong, capable and when I can not roar with God's intensity and light He roars over me. I know that today and am hopeful that you know it too in your day, your circumstances, and when you are in the waves. 

May we choose to be in the waves with our creator, the maker of life, and the ultimate artist who has designed you and me to be there with him. Maybe the waves gently brush our ankles and we feel the warmth of the water. Maybe the waves are crashing into us and we feel like we are about to loose our footing. 

That is when I stand to remind you that in Psalm 40 our Heavenly Daddy picked us up, out of the muck and stood our feet on a rock. He didn't just leave us there on the rock in wonder. He went a step further and made our footsteps firm. Firm in the beautiful creation that is you and that is me. Firm that we will not topple in the waves but we are there to play, rejoice, and breathe the sweet destiny of us as God's beloved children.

Ok, my migraine feels like it is letting up which makes me want a cup a tea and to go to my art studio. Like the mouse from the children's book if you give this girl a word, Heavenly Daddy, she will serve you, write, and go create but she will want a cup of tea. 

May you walk in MERCY & PEACE; 

Sherry