Extraordinary Process

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 "Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you should have always been" - David Bowie

Ahh-haa, moment.  Just take that quote in, digest it, ponder it, & then confront it.

How old is too old?  How young is too young?  And, at what point to do we wake up and realize that age is just a number.  Start to work together in cooperation rather than judgment.  How about leading with light & grace each morning rather than worry, regret, and fear.

Nostalgia has kicked in for me over the past week.  I seem to be reminded daily of my earthly dad who was my confidant & fixer.  In the last couple years of his life he really took God on full force.  He talked to everyone about God and fearlessly did so.  He took time daily to talk to my brother & I about God and how we need to bond with our Heavenly Father.  His words, "I won't always be here to fix your problems but God will.  He always has been and always will be here to love you. He'll be here to love you when I'm dead and gone".

My earthly dad always bragged on me.  He told me daily how smart, decisive, and capable I was.  He told me I was a beauty on the outside and inside with my ability to love & forgive freely.  In the last year of his life he became excessive in telling me all those things and how prayed that I would know God like he did before I was old like him.  "I can only imagine the impact you would make on the world and how God could use you.  You are smart, capable, and likeable, Sherry.  You could be a force to be reckoned with". 

In my early 20s I passed it off as my dad being a "Jesus Freak" and laughed at him with my brother. In reality it broke both our hearts to think of a world without our earthly father & made us uncomfortable to think our confidant & fixer would ever die. His death left a hole in my heart that only the grace, hope, and love of a Heavenly Father could fix.  My Heavenly Father took that hole and gave me empathy for others beyond what I knew before.  He filled my heart with love, encouragement, and light.

I'm now 40 something & have cancer.  I'm battling with my insurance company & drug companies for affordable chemo meds. I've got a mass on my left breast and have to wait for a mammogram to be covered by insurance.  Most days I could sink into the darkness that the world offers.  The negativity that tries to bury itself in your mind, heart, and soul.  It would be so easy to be all consumed, all angry, and well up in self pity and doubt.

For the past two weeks I've woke up early around 5 am and feel completely rested. I hear, ""I can only imagine the impact you would make on the world and how God could use you.  You are smart, capable, and likeable, Sherry.  You could be a force to be reckoned with".  I know it's not my dad talking to me but my Heavenly Father.  He is challenging me to wake up and get going.  He knows what I'm capable of.  He knows I'm; smart, decisive, capable, and likeable and wants to use me as his allie in this dark world.

Because I have cancer I realize that it is not going to be anything huge and world changing.  I do realize power in my actions that they may serve others to encourage, facilitate, and mentor their minds, hearts, and spirits.  I could be one of the small factors in cooperation with others that lights the dark world for the Lord.  The best part is how God shows off for me to inspire, encourage, and spur me on.

* Waking:  Up early I have time to praise God, confide my needs, and praise him again for his influence in my heart, mind, and soul.

*Listening:  I wake up and see its dark out and then check the clock to see its 5 am. There was no alarm that went off but my internal alarm is going off.  Instead of laying there to whine I've been getting up and then feel a sense of what I should do in my heart, mind, and spirit.

*Compulsion: Being compelled by your heart & mind into doing things. These are all things that I have the time, ability, and materials to create, do, and give.

*Provision: I'm finding that as the world darkens that I found a small ray of light and then start praising God for it which leads to a floodgate of light to shine.

Each of these serves as reference in the small, outstanding ways, that God can use, propel, and provide for each of us.

I love the Bowie quote because it speaks to my heart right now.  I realize what I should have been doing all along but it wasn't until 40 somethingness and cancer kicked in that I feel propelled to be who God designed me.  There was always a worry of what the world would think & fitting into the gaggle.  I love the idea of being the girl that my Earthly dad saw and my Heavenly Father created.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• Today is a city day filled with a consult aka check in, blood work, and I had hoped to get my mammogram done.  I'm still waiting to see if the mammogram is going to happen but am "provided" for as I had time to get lunch, relax, and finish blogging at Gildas Club just down the road from the clinic. 
• Open Artroom has been lively for almost a month.  It's once a week on Sundays from 3-6 where anyone can come use my materials, tools, and space at no cost.  If you know of a scout troop, dance troop, cheer team, sorority, school group or other group that would like to use my artroom please let me know and I'll reach out to them.  They can call me, schedule a visit, or book a time to come create at no cost.  If they would prefer to have a project available I would love to schedule a workshop for them.  
• This year I actually want to put up our Christmas tree.  If you are willing to help Emily carry up the tree from the garage and decorations let me know.  Also, we have greenery for above our garage doors and front door.  If you are willing to help Dale with it please let me know. 
• My birthday is December 16th and I would adore celebrating it with friends.  I'm praying on what that looks like and how to make it happen.  
• We are working on saving to purchase a car from a friend that will get me to KC and home safely and be reliable.  Another friend offered to help Dale fix the problems with Betsy Bravada over the next few months so that he will be able to use it as his first car.  God is good.

Hide & Seek

 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:13

Remember the story of Samuel that kept getting woke up in the middle of the night?  He kept checking with Eli because he heard his name being called. With Eli's help Samuel realized that it was God calling him and to learn to listen.

This year I have learned to silence the world, my own self, and just listen. Earlier this year through radiation and chemo I found myself discouraged.  I wasn't able to do the things that came normally because I was just physically unable.  I found myself confiding in my Heavenly Father, asking him to wake up and feel well enough to take my son to school, do a load of laundry, or even dare to go to my artroom.  And, I heard nothing. 

Physically it became harder and harder.  I became discouraged because my confidant, my Heavenly Father, wasn't moving my mountain.  Instead he was quiet, silent, and resolved.  It wasn't that I didn't feel at peace and know He was in control I did.  One of my joys daily is to see the smalls that God places in my life and I was blocked by a cocktail of chemo and radiation.  My days were filled with waking up, getting sick, resting, sleeping some more, and getting sick.  There is no joy in that.  To have your daughter take the car keys and say, "let's just get you in the car.  I'll drive" discouraged me rather than encourage me that God gifted me with a dynamic kid that was by my side 100%. Where was the freedom, joy, and longing to glow for God in it all?

I found myself being a crabby kid that was mad at her Heavenly Father for not swooping in to save the day.  I gave thanks for the smalls; my daughter, my son, my hubby, transportation to get to the clinic, ice water, oatmeal baths and my quirky sense of humor that helped me laugh when it would have been easier to cry.  But still I felt a distance from my Heavenly Father like I had never known. Then something changed.  I went to journal at the Kemper Museum before a chemo.  I was tired, worn, and had cried to have to go to the clinic again.  My world where I see the light was turning into a darkness that I was creating because of my heart, mind, and spirit had blinders.

That morning I poured my discouragement out onto the page.  It was filled with ramblings, complaints of not being able to do what comes normally & longing for freedom.  At the heart of the darkness was my longing to hear from God, be overwhelmed by His peace, and shine for Him to others.  The need to say if I can do this you can do it because God is present...but it seemed like he wasn't.

The page became flooded with anger at God over being silent.  I get that there are other more pressing things in the world but wasn't I the daughter that you loved & created? Shouldn't I at the very least get something for that? The next flow in my journal "Stay Silent" & then I started to define it with Gods help.  "Stay Silent" meant when I am silent you are silent.  When I am silent you rest.  When I am silent you take care of yourself and do the chemo, radiation, and whatever else.  And, then you are silent and rest.  It occurred to me that God couldn't use me as his light in the ways that I know because I was just too physically, emotionally, and mentally taxed.  He was gifting me with time to rest, sleep, and do what I needed to do in order to become whole again.  He didn't leave me he simply said, "stay silent". " The things I have planned for you are great. I'll use you but you need to be healthy, rested, and have a solace in knowing I am God".  

So, this summer when I started radiation again in the heat & chemo I found peace in my heart.  When my mouth was filled with blisters and my throat swelled so I couldn't talk I wrote in my journal and praised God for "staying silent".  I had two of my worst days this summer but felt an inner hope in both that God would see me through.  I learned about having resolve.  All the things that I say to others had to come to fruition for me.  God challenged me in ways I can't comprehend this year.  Some things there are no words for only tears of pain, hurt, and grace.

My challenge to you this week is when you feel God is silent to take time to evaluate.  Time to assess your situation, lay it all out and relentlessly gift it to God, and then stay silent. Silence brings time for you to rest and endure what the world is throwing your way.  Grace will see you through the silence because it is building you up for something far greater than you can imagine.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• I went to the oncologist this week.  I found out that the nodules that are in my stomach have been reduced in size through the radiation & chemo. We discussed what comes next, talked openly about finances, and what I can afford.  My insurance will cover only the meds that I was given last year which did not work so they are out.  They have two options: 1. a weekly shot & oral med that would cost $280 a week or two oral meds that will cost $220 weekly.  I shared that I thought of looking into homeopathic plan and for once my doc said that it was an option.  I also need to have a mammogram and sonogram because of a lump in my left breast.  Insurance will not cover it until December.  I wrote a formal appeal with the insurance company with a social worker at the hospital yesterday about the tests and the meds. My doc & his office are also going to make appeals to the insurance company to see if they can get the tests done sooner and see if they would cover either of the med plans. I'm hopeful within the next two weeks I'll have answers.  
• Open Artroom has happened twice this month.  It is a freebie to my community to come to my creative space to create, gab, and hang out.  You can have free space, materials, and use my tools.  I have a tip jar out that you can donate to help keep Open Artroom happening.  Open Artroom is Sunday afternoons from 3-6.  Please share & stop by.  
• I worked creatively each day this week....God is good!  I'm working a series of work inspired from the words peace, love, and understanding.  
• We are working on saving for a down payment on a car for me.  A gal pal graciously offered to sell her car to me and it will bless my world.  Thankful for her gracious offer & the hope of having reliable transportation to get me to KC.
• A friend is going to take on trying to fix Betsy Bravada with Dale as a project.  It is our hope that the work will go swiftly and easily as they work to replace the ball joints and then the radiator.  Feel free to pray for them as well.  Betsy would then be gifted to Dale for his first car.  

Run Across

Wowsies, its been a long time since I blogged!  Truth be told I haven't felt well enough for a while to sit, meditate, pray, and then blog. The chemo round that I did this summer completely wiped me out mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was plagued with mouth sores, a swollen throat, and the inability to talk beyond a whisper.  It was harder than the first rounds & challenged not only my body but my spirit.

This week I ventured back to my oncologist this week for a consult & to file financial assistance paperwork for drug companies along with blood work and a scan.  I found out that I need to check in with my primary doc in order to have him sign the referrals needed so I can see my oncologist and run tests.  And, lo and behold I can't get in for two weeks. It is never a dull moment, right?

I also stopped into a thrift shop down in the city to just gander around and digress from my day.  That's where I ran across a copy of The Creative Call by Janice Elsheimer.  Here's the description from the back cover " our creativity was meant to be used.  Whether you are an artist who has already identified your gifts or you have artistic talent that has never been developed.. The Creative Call will help you grow closer to becoming the person God designed you to be".

That was a total God moment for me.  There was no way that I just "ran across" this book, took time to read the back cover, and paid fifty cents for it.  You see this summer was rough on me physically because of the chemo that gave me lots of time with my bff nausea.  I also have been plagued with sores in my mouth and throat and loss of my voice more days than I care to count.  I also mourned the loss of time in my artroom to create.  I mourned not opening my artroom up to my community this summer and most the loss of the laughs & joy that stem from creativity happening in the artroom.

This month I finished the chemo round.  They told me what comes next and what oral chemo meds they want to use.  After receiving financial aid for the meds it was going to cost me $500 a week for the meds.  My Besty Bravada started to overheat last week.  I took it to the shop & found out that the repairs she needs are beyond what I can afford.  That flowed me into a weekend pity party. I felt totally out of control.  I couldn't afford the chemo meds and I couldn't afford the labor intensive work that needs to be done to my car.  The worst part was that it made me miss my dad.  He was my confidant & my "fixer" of all the wrongs in my world.  If I needed my car fixed he did it, someone hurt my feelings he listened to me, and if I needed money for chemo meds he would have made sure they were paid for.  But, I lost my dad over 20 years ago and in that moment all the pain became brand new.

I literally wept in my driveway with my kids holding onto me and praying over me.  I realized that I no longer had an earthly dad that would take care of my needs but I had a Heavenly Father that would and always had.  It was bittersweet to talk to God and tell him how sorry I was.  That I was being irrational and a brat.  I praised Him for guiding my path and allowing me to live in confidence that He would take care of transportation, cost for chemo meds, and any other curves the world throws at me. 

I realized that God is pressing me to be who I'm designed to be.  I always tell others that they can pretty much have anything that I have because its all just material stuff.  The situation with my Betsy Bravada causes me to back up those words "its all material stuff" & to recognize that my Heavenly Father has a plan for transportation for me even if I don't have a clue.

I also spent some time mulling over & praying about my artroom.  I rarely use it and when I do it is an all day love affair.  I prayed over opening on Sunday afternoons for a few hours for Open Artroom.  Open Artroom is when you come over, have a creative space, can use any and all of my supplies, and just feel free to gab, meet with friends, and work creatively.  It wouldn't require anything more from me than to life the garage doors and be a hostess....I kinda dig that idea.

Hope that you "run across" something, someone, or an idea that inspires you & requires you to think outside the box.  I hope that it causes you to re-think what you know & consider a new perspective that is what our Heavenly Father intends. 

Peace Be With You- Sherry

Updates:

• The Artroom will open on Sunday afternoons from 3-5 pm. It is a my creative space that has oodles of supplies.  We've also made a smallish coffee bar area & have a small frig if you bring a snack or drink that needs refrigeration.  It is also available by appointment.  If you have a Christmas project you need to work on my artroom is yours....just ask.

• My Betsy Bravada was a hard one for me.  Its been my car for 16 years.  Its kept the kids & I safe.  And, it did its final job in allowing me freedom to go through cancer, radiation, and chemo.  It has a cracked radiator and the ball joints are gone.  The repairs are costly because of the ball joints are labor intensive.  The part that makes me sad is that I had the total heating and cooling system replaced this summer in her and I was hoping to gift her to Dale as his first car to get him to school, youth group, and home. 

• My latest endeavor is selling vintage clothing and accessories via Etsy.  I have for the past 8 years but never really took that component of my Mamasunbear2 too seriously.  This year I've been challenged financially & haven't been able to work creatively freely.  What happened is that grace took over, my fashion passion, and some research.  I've launched a new genre of creativity for me that doesn't require me to work physically hard like re-doing furniture.  It does require me to use my love of fashion, my know how of marketing, and to creatively take pics & use social media.  All those things can be done in my pajamas or while resting.  Feel free to find me on Etsy, Instagram, or FB.  And, if you are looking for some vintage fashion come shop in my garage. I love that God guides me to do things that I know, love, and am capable of.
• I contacted my gal pals that I was writing curriculum with last year.  I took time off this year but felt compelled to get a hold of them this week.  They have a couple of smallish things that I can help write so I feel productive, can use my love of teaching, and share God's love.
• I was contacted about painting sets for the local community theatre.  I have accepted their challenge to paint windows for "A Christmas Carol" and am looking forward to working on the logistics & having Dale and Emily help me.