Whose the Favorite?

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  Psalm 40:2

Did you ever have that classic battle with your sibling on who is the "favorite"?  For me that was a constant one and still is with my brother.  When I went to college and would come home he would say "Ya know what?  The sun sits and rises on you with mom and dad"....and then he would say a few more choice things about me.  When the show, "Everbody Loves Raymond" came out my brother was sure it was a show about our family.  And, yes, I would be "Ray". 

My brother and I have been battling whose the "favorite" since we were little.  If one got to go somewhere without the other obviously they were the favorite.  What about if you got something that the other didn't....even if that would be a roll of cherry lifesavers when you were sick?   Well, that means you are the "favorite".  In our teen years and even adulthood both of us have had times of jealousy over favoritism.  My brother got a spankin' brand new car when he turned 16 and I got a 78 Opal sports wagon.  My brother complains still to this day about how once I was born that I took his parents away....ugh, that just always breaks my heart that at 55 he still believes that.

When we were kids my mom used to sit us down at the kitchen table to talk to us.  She would tell us that we were all we had for family so we needed to get along.  She would honestly try to break through to us that there was no favorite and neither was loved more than the other.  My dad used to just yell at us and tell us that he didn't like either of us...crushing as a kid but understandable as a parent who has to hear those petty fights with her kids.

My mom also would bring scripture into our talks and used the example of Joesph and his coat.  She would tell us that no material gift, attention, or help that she or my dad would give either of us should break us apart like Joesph and his brothers. She would beg us to realize that we loved one another and were the only siblings we would ever have.  And, in the end either my brother or I would make a smarty pants comment and send my mom to her room in tears and praying for her kids. Yeah, we both were a hot mess and as an adult I'm thankful for all of my mom's prayers in her room throughout the years.

As an adult this past week I heard the story of Joesph again and was reminded of my mom and her talks.  I thought about "favoritism" as a mom myself.  And the type of integrity and character that I show to my kids.  Geez, that set me back a moment to think where am I with God?  Would God want to give me his "favor"  for my actions and words over the past week?  Or would he go to his room like my mom and cry?  Would people see me, read my blog, and think "Ohh, Sherry, again, bragging about her world"....would that lead to jealousy, resentment, and hard feelings....just like it does with my brother? 

I'd like to think that I go with God's favor each day of my life but I can see there are moments that God has cried over me.  Why?  Because I was too naive, unappreciative.  He loves me far more than my parents  and gave me something they couldn't....eternal life.  Does that make me the "favorite"?  No, but it does make me appreciate the gift of eternal life and his "favor" gives me peace of mind to make it through all my crazy stuff. It allows me to realize that like all the things that I've learned that can't be taken from me neither can my "favor" with God.  It follows me, strengthens me, and allows me to have integrity in my world.

That being said February has been a crazy month for me physically and mentally.  I would have said before my surgery that February was going to be my month.  Now February is almost gone and I'm heartsick.  Why?  Because there are some major life changes going on for me.  Here's brief list.

• The shop in Greenwood is closing at the end of the month.  That shop has been a huge blessing in my life and given me direction and courage in my creativity.  With it closing I feel lost.  And to boot I need to regroup, organize, and assess  my life and what I'm doing.  Should I continue to be creative, host workshops, substitue teach, or tutor ? 
• Emily has been helping me to clean, sort, and purge from the artroom and garage.  She literally sets a timer for 1-2 hours at a time for me to work a day.  I feel overwhelmed with the time frame I've got, have cried, and ran a fever and been told to rest by my doctor this month.  
•  I've went to my first doctor's visit this month to do my bloodwork and report in.  I actually wanted to cry as I got ready because it meant being an adult, facing what I've been told to do and following through & being accountable with my health.
• Ted and I are in a season of change in our marriage.  We've been through a lot in the past couple of years and we are trying to find our way back individually and as a couple.  It has been a labor of love at times to just stick together.
• Fitting into the groove of daily life as a Christian, wife, mom, creative gal, and more.  Uggh, I thought that would be the one peace of mind that I had once my surgery was complete but it's not. Finding my way back to the intense, spiritual, lover, friend, and mama gal is really hard.  The expectations are there from my hubby and some of my friends but wowsies I don't know if I can make them right now.

Now let me tell you how God has been showing me that I've got it together & have his "favor".  Last Sunday I was blessed with a gal pal and two great guys from church that came and helped me move my stuff from the shop.  I literally got there and was at a complete loss for what to do....I'm usually large & in charge.  Well, God sent my gal pal with her truck to be large & in charge, to make decisive decisions, and love on me.  God gave me favor with two extra guys with a truck that carried, loaded, unloaded, and prayed with Ted & I once it was all said and done.  And, God's favor continues this week as I was offered creative space with two artists in KC.  They sent me inboxes to let me know that they knew how crazy moving your space can be and offered me space in their workshop studios if I felt the need to create and get away from my mess of an artroom.

 I honestly took a nap before my doctor's visit this week after crying about it.  I napped and still wanted to cancel it but I didn't because I had Emily & Dale home and knew that even if I didn't want to go those kids of mine loved their mama and wanted her to.   Tedster & I are trying, honestly, in our marriage.  I think we both feel broken and bankrupt emotionally after the last couple of years.  We did go out for our anniversary to dinner and in my heart he is still the crazy boy that I feel in love with & it breaks my heart to think of life without him.  Ok, as for finding my groove back....ugggh, that one is hard.  I see glimpses each day of the who I once was :  the teendreamer, the twentysomething that was so focused & directed she didn't dare blink, the thirtysomething that had God bring her to her knees so that she relented all control and her life to him, and the fortysomething that looks back  & can admit fear, asks for help, and is boldly taking it one day at a time.

How all those things are going to come together I don't know.  That is the blessing on each season of our lives we don't know what is going to happen but we can walk into each moment with God's favor.  That is something far greater than bragging rights about a parent's "favorite" it means that you can find peace, direction, and focus when times are rough but also find the small joys.

May each of you find God's favor throughout the week.  Know that God is going to steady your load, walk you through each step, and can take any hardship and help you find  joy.  Personally, I what gets me through is knowing the the sun does not rise and set on me like my brother says.  I know that the sun sits and rises on my faith in God and through his favor I can get through the day.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Hot Mess

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.  -Ezekiel 36:26

Last week Emily & I spent the week cleaning and organizing the artroom.  To say the artroom looks like a "hot mess" right now would be putting it mildly.  As Emily & I hung out and learned how very differently we organize things....lol.  I had planned on spending all last week on the artroom and getting it done.  Well, I get tired easier and break into cold sweats followed by fevers.  So, let's just say that I'm giving us the whole month to dedicate to getting the artroom in order. 

That being said I had planned for a whole different blog for the week.  But last night my sister in law called my hubby.  Their mom moved back to Japan a couple of years ago to live out her days with her family there.  Long story short is their mom got a hold of my sister in law a couple of months ago saying she was ill.   Yesterday, my sister in law, got a call from their family in Japan to say that they took Aiko (Ted's mom) to the hospital last week and on Sunday she went into a coma.  The rest of the conversation was filled with trying to figure out details and what they should do.  They are planning on talking again tonight.

This call brought up a flood of emotions for our whole family.  Ted grew up in an abusive household. Long ago we realized that his mom was mentally ill, manipulative, and unkind to say the least.  Her odd behavior, manipulations, and abusive words came to a head a few years ago after we moved her to KC.  We had prayed over it and thought maybe if she had us to check in on her and she could see her grand kids regularly it would heal her heart and spirit.  Needless, to say that didn't work and although our family prayed together for God to restore her heart and mind she continued to escalate her unusual behavior and abusive ways.  When she left for Japan a couple of years ago we all breathed a sigh of relief and prayed to God to keep her safe and help restore our family.

After praying  last night about the situation  I ran across Ezekiel 36:26.  I've been praying over this for myself, Ted, Emily, and Dale today.  I'm asking God to forgive our hearts that were broken, protective, and stubborn when dealing with Aiko.  I'm asking God to allow the tender and responsive heart that we have to lead the way to help Ted through this.

 I know that his heart and mind hurt inside about his mom.  He is filled with regrets that he couldn't help her. That she didn't change even though he prayed. And that no matter how many times he tried to reach her with the love of God she refused to hear him.  For Ted today I prayed that God give him a new heart and spirit.  That God take out his stubborn heart that is filled with self doubt, defeat, and hurt and in place put a restored heart that is tender and responsive to the needs of his family, friends, and community. 

That verse got me to thinking about all those less than ideal relationships that we all have. It might be with a family member, co-worker, neighbor, or friend.  Shoot, I had a teaching job that I loved at one time.  But a co-worker poked fun of me for coming early to the school to pray over my students and my teaching abilities.  It literally broke my spirit and made me never want to teach ever again.  What is that relationship for you?  What would happen if you were able to take the high road, remain positive, and be who God designed you to be?  How could that be possible? 

I'm thinking perhaps by praying over a verse like Ezekiel 36:26 and asking God for his mercy and care with that person.  I know that even though I prayed over that co-worker and my ability to stay positive I didn't renew my contract the next year at the school.  It was just too much for me to take.

I prayed over my relationship with my mother in law since before she was my mother in law.  My prayers started for Ted's parents and sister after I met them for the first time. I know that with my relationship with my mother-in-law I became guarded over my children and my husband because of her manipulations and abusive words.  I even told her that she could say or do anything to me but to leave the kids and Ted out of it.  I thought I could save the kids and Ted and take on her "hot mess".  But in the end I couldn't solve her problems, make things better, or get the happy loving family relationship that I craved.  I simply had to give up and put that relationship to an end. 

Sometimes once you pray for God to help you take the high road, be positive and who he designed you to be he opens a door.  Now, maybe that door is one that you close by leaving a job that you love, or cutting off a relationship with a friend or relative.  I know those things are difficult but after living & learning I've come to accept these things for a fact : 1. God wants for his people to be happy, 2. God wants his people to be safe, and 3. God never intends for you to be hurt or abused.  If that is happening he wants for you to leave.

This week I'm praying over my own "hot mess" relationship and using Ezekiel 36:26 to guide me when I talk with Ted about his mom.  I'm praying that I can be there to listen to Ted, support him through my strength, and pray over him for God to guide and protect his heart, spirit, and mind. 

My challenge is simple for each of you this week.  Ask God for the ability to stay positive, allow your heart to be opened and for his strength to take over when you deal with "hot mess" situations  this week and see you through.

Blessings on your week-Sherry

Update:

• I've got a doctor's appointment on the 16th which is next week and then another on February 25th.  Pray that I've got the finances to make it to both, that the test results from the 16th are good, and that I'm able to see what I need to do with my health on the 25th.
• We had great news last week.  Emily went to the doctor and she got a letter stating that he feels that she can pursue a career in nursing.  Why is that so important?  Well, she can get a VoTech scholarship for $1,000 per semester and her textbooks paid.  This week we are planning on making calls and an appointment to Longview.  She is planning on taking a couple of summer classes to make up for this semester and they start in May.
• Last week our furnace stopped running.  We were blessed to have a friend loan us space heaters for the night.  And, the furnace got fixed by noon the next day.  And, the blessing was our repairman waited for payment until Friday on Ted's payday.  
• My latest letter to my mom and brother came back in the mail as return to sender.  It breaks my heart but I'm determined to keep sending them.  I re-addressed an envelope today and mailed them back. 
• Please pray for Ted and our family this week.  It's never easy to know your parent is sick but Aiko, Ted's mom, is literally an ocean away.  Pray that God can help heal Ted's wounded heart and spirit and allow him strength and courage to keep going for his family. 
• Finally, Emily & I are working through the artroom menagerie.  Pray that God continues to allow us a sense of humor as we work, my ability to say stop when I feel tired and worn out, and that we get things together in a timely manor.  I feel like I can be a blessing through the creative workshops I intend to do there.  I also came up with the idea of doing a WOW (workshops on wheels) for preschools and daycares.  And, I even thought of using the idea of a WOW as a blessing for events within my community.  I'm praying on how to approach event planners and preschool providers this week that they would see my professionalism, love of art in my spirit, and what a blessing I could be. 

Treasure Is Found In The Trust

"Livin' Life. Growin' by faith. Keep on keepin' on. Treasure is in the trust"....that was the Facebook post from a gal pal of mine this morning & I love it!  And it so fits my mood and spirit after this challenging week.

This week I got a call from the shop owners in Greenwood that they are going to close the shop.  Awww, geez, just when I was resting like I was supposed to since my surgery.  I had a game plan of doing workshops this year as a creative outlet and doing small stuff so that I can work around doctor's appointments, etc this year.

I'm left to re-group, re-focus, and to "trust".  Why did I mention "trust"?  Well, my journey since this fall has been on learning to trust and grow in my faith.  I've been blessed to have people praying for me & my family, following our journey, and taking time to make a one on one connection with me. 

I've got to "trust" my doctor when she told me that I'm considered "high risk" for cancer and that she got the mass out.  I've got to trust and accept her plan of care for me.  I've got to trust that when I call her and tell her that I'm feeling bad, in pain, and running a fever she will call.  And, guess what?  She did that this week.  I've got an appointment with her this month and at the cancer center to find out what I need to do this year for my health.

This week I found myself reeling with that phone call.  The joy that I've got doing all the creative and fun things that I love and having a workshop space and a home base for Mamasunbear2 is gone.  Then I thought to myself, Sherry, go pray.  And, that is what I did.  I told God how I loved to work creatively, felt like I let the shop down by being sick, and that I just needed him to guide my path. 

That's the funny thing with "trust" and your definition of it.  To me "trust" is allowing God into my heart, knowing that my salvation is through him, and that all that I say and do needs to be for his glory.  I "trust" that I can do all things through him.  And, that is what hit me this week....through Christ I can do all things.  Now, the things that I can do may not be great, publicity worthy, or change the world.  But the things that God "trusts" me with are going to happen.

I believe that God "trusts" me with:

• The care of my children and to be a mother of faith and comfort to them.
• The care and maintenance of my home that he has blessed my family with.
• The ability to do selfless acts of kindness daily through my words and actions for his glory.

Within those three I'm not sure which is my purpose is.  It changes doesn't it with the day, the moment, or the time?  At first I glance I would say it might be the first because I've come to the conclusion that Emily and Dale need their mom.  It could be the second ....I've still got shingles missing from the roof. And we had a leak last night from the rain in my kid's bathroom that served as a reminder to it leaking this fall too. 

But when I see the third in my list it encompasses the other two and then more.  It leaves me with feeling challenged for what the day brings.  Knowing that God made me smart, capable, and "trusts" me with those abilities and so many more.  With that I've been able to re-group what I need to do with Mamasunbear2, my family, home , and faith.

I still have the drive and determination to be in a classroom setting.  This week I'm going to get my college transcripts and apply to substitute teach.  Secondly, I've talked with Emily and Dale and they are willing to help me organize my art room this week.  And on Sundays we will be going to Greenwood to clean the workshop and purge what I can't use and load up the things that I can.  I've priced all my work at 20% off at the shop and "trust" that God will provide me with buyers to nab stuff.  I "trust" that if I move some stuff home that it will fit in my artroom or in the garage until I can find a "home" for them.  And, if the kids and I can get my artroom organized and the garage I feel like I can do "Workshops" here at home....how awesome would that be to be able to personally invite people into my world and be able to show God's love through my words and actions for his glory?  Ahh, God is ahh-mazing! 

And, the glory in it all is that it shook me up, caused me to re-think, and re-group what dictates my life and what God "trusts" me with.  I'm looking forward to a challenging February....yeah, it's gonna be one.  But more importantly I feel the ability to "trust" God with my heart, spirit, and soul.  With that kind of "trust" I know that I'll be all right.

I know today is the Superbowl...right?  Well, I would challenge you to make a "Superbowl Worth of Trust" List.  What would that be?  Well, simply three things that you believe that God "trusts" you with.  I challenge with those three to ask God daily this week to be allowed to do those things for his glory.  Let's see what happens.  I'm in for this kind of "Superbowl" challenge....are you?

May God's peace shine on you- Sherry

Update: 

This is my challenge to this month to "trust" that God is going to help me with gal pals, friends, etc. that are going to help me. 

• I called the doctor this week because of my fever and the pain on the right side.  She asked me what I've been doing and she told me to rest and stop.  She thinks that the fever and pain is more than likely from over doing it.  In reality who tries to lay wood floors in their bathrooms a week after having surgery....yeah, that would be me.  Anyway, pray that I take time to rest each day to help me heal so that I can go on the 16th to see her rather than sooner.
•  In the coming days Emily, Dale, and I will need help in the artroom and garage. The main person to help me will be Emily and she's only one person.  We need someone that can help her.  What does that mean? Here's a short list:  1. a dolly cart to help her move some big items around the artroom and garage. If you've got one we can borrow that would be awesome!  2. We've got a couple of pieces that we want to just donate : a couch, a desk, some old tvs.  If you would be willing to help load them and take them to the thrift store here in town that would be remarkable. 3. We will need someone that is willing to help move a cabinet/armoire to the artroom.  It's heavy!  4. Someone that would be willing to come and pick up smallish donations that we might have for the thrift store.  If you can help with any of these get a hold of me.
• Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.  I'm thankful for each of you and the ability that God has given me to "trust", have faith, and live life.