There Is No Crying In Baseball

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.  Psalm 51:12


While driving into KC today I got overwhelmed at the "hot mess" that cancer has made me.  I pulled into the parking garage and started to cry.  As I started up the row of cars looking for a space I thought of the scene from A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says, "There's no crying in baseball" and I literally laughed out loud, wiped the tears from my face, parked & walked to the elevators. 

That movie memory got me thinking about cancer and how the cancer experience is a lot like baseball.  Here's some of my rationale:

1. Striking Out : Cancer is like an opposing team that wants you to "strike out", to not make it, to give in to its misery, and succumb to it. 

2.Rally : Each day you rally yourself aka your team from the tips of your toes to the top of your head to persevere, keep going, and win.

3. Bases Loaded: From your initial diagnosis of cancer, complications, expenses, and heartache you literally feel emotionally that your bases are loaded.  You pray that God will find a batter aka treatment plan that kills off the cancer cells and allows you to go home rather than be in the hospital.

4. Wild Card Status: There are so many side effects to cancer ; physical, emotional, and financial that it all seems overwhelming.  It causes you to not be yourself, seek self preservation first and foremost, and really brings out a wild streak of emotions, words, and actions.

5. Seventh Inning Stretch: At a baseball game it rolls around to the seventh inning stretch and what do you do?  You stretch.  Cancer takes you on a wild ride that stretches you both mentally and physically beyond what you believe you can do.

6. Keeping Score: In baseball they are detailed with how many strikes, balls, hits, and runs that are made.  With cancer you keep track of how many scans, radiations, chemos, and infusions you have.

7. Home Run:  Everyone loves to see someone knock it outta the park and cheer.  Each time that you go to the oncologist, seek treatment, and persevere you are hitting a home run.  

That was a synopsis of what I wrote in my journal this morning before my consultation.  I found out today that my scan still showed the cysts are in my stomach and the formation of an ulcer.  My doctor reminded me again the importance of rest and learning to relax. I shared with him about feeling like my stomach was on fire over the weekend and that it literally felt like it was burning.  I told him about the hives that I feel in my throat and mouth.  He checked me out and I've got sores in my mouth and blisters on my skin.  All those things are par the course with radiation, meds, and infusions.  He told me to take benedryl, gave me a prescription for some meds to ease my pain, and told me to use Aqua 4 Advanced Healing on my skin to help with the blisters.  He also had the nurse give me a list of other small stuff that I can get over the counter to help with the blisters in my mouth. He continues to feel like the radiation with the medication and infusions are a must for my treatment plan.  And, I survived a double dose of radiation today, and an infusion.

Each time I go to the clinic I try to park the car myself and walk to the elevators rather than use the valet service.  It is something small that I do to prove to myself that I've got control and am fierce in this world.  After the second radiation was done I rested and left once I felt like I could.  I felt a little foggy but thought shoot who wouldn't after what I've done today.  As I was walking into the parking garage I realized that I had no idea of where I parked the car or what kind of car I drove.  I wandered around and saw a white SUV that I thought was Betsy Bravada and when I got to it I realized it wasn't my car and remembered Betsy Bravada was in the shop.  I started walking back to the elevators and saw a blue jeep and literally opened the door and started to get in when I realized it didn't have a top on it and was a wrangler not our Jeep Liberty.  Afterwards, I went back to the elevators and went back inside the hospital and asked the security guard to help me.  I told them I had radiation and an infusion today and couldn't find my car.  The gal was super nice and told me to take a seat and wait inside.  Between she and the valet they took my keys and found the jeep.  The valet even drove it to curb for me.  They told me to just use the valet next time and not to worry about it. 

I took time to pray before heading home for my blessings of the day, for God filling my spirit with faith that is like the air that I breath.  And, I asked for him to keep me safe on the road home.  I made it home, the kids walked me inside, and got my meds for me.  Like in baseball there were some tears shed today but I persevered and made it home....God is good.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

I shared via Facebook today that I'm feeling overwhelmed and need help to take care of some small stuff this week.  Here's a list of stuff.  Feel free to call or text Ted or Emily if you can help.  As for me I'm going to take my doc's advice and rest.

• I need to renew the plates on our Jeep which expire this month.  I got the inspection done today and have the renewal form and the rest of the paperwork.  I need someone to go to the DMV in Lee's Summit for us and pay for the tags.  The cost is $55 for two year tags or around $30 for one year....either would be remarkable.  
• Our weed trimmer broke a couple of weeks ago.  If you have one we could borrow once a week for a while let us know.
• We need gas money for Ted (to get him to work) and for me (to get me into KC) this coming week.  If you would want to get us a gas card or drop off gas money let us know. 
• Pharmacy Needs (all of them are over the counter): Aqua 4 Advanced Healing cream which comes in a tub for the blisters on my skin from radiation.  For the blisters in my mouth I can use Orajel.  And, they want me to mix : xylocaine viscous solution, Zovirax, and Mylanta.  I need all three of those so I can mix them for my mouth to help with the pain.
• Personal Needs for Sherry:  a bar of Bert's Bees Baby Soap, some T-gel shampoo, Aveeno Oatmeal Bath, and some new socks. 
• We got a bill for Emily's classes this fall for $116 which is what her scholarships don't cover.  If you need a babysitter, house cleaner, etc. please let her know so she can pay her bill by July 16.
• I continue to thank God daily for his peace over what I'm going through and what my family is.  I'm thankful to each of you for your prayers and encouragement.  

Reliable Reaasurance

Have you ever felt the reassured that things are going to be all right?  Maybe it was through a letter, a phone call, or just a feeling in the pit of your stomach.  I can honestly say that has happened a zillion times in my lifetime.  Things are a mess and then something small happens and you just know its gonna be all right. 

The sense of stability, my own know how, and capabilities are being put to the test this year.  Not only with my battle with cancer but within our own family.  There seems to be a presence that is unsettling, relentless in its pursuit, and that I can't define.  This week I took a step back to reflect, meditate, and ask God what gives.

What I heard was the stillness & peace.  The kind of peace that comes into your heart, radiates through your body and just leaves you with warmth.  I asked God again "what is going on" within our home and again there was the stillness and peace.  As a talkative chick I just couldn't let it rest.  I had to have words to put with it and a reassurance in words that all was going to be all right.  Know what I got?  Stillness and peace. 

This morning I went to write in my journal and wrote the lyrics to an old Julian Lennon song that I used to love , Let Me Be.  It wasn't so much in the journaling of old song lyrics but the message I felt it bring to my heart.  "Some people say that your going away but I've been assured that your going to stay so please let me be".  Then it hit me.  This year I've been withdrawn and just wished at times to be alone.

After writing the lyrics in my journal I again felt stillness and peace.  I again took time to reflect and meditate on my life and circumstances.  I again gave God praise for sticking beside me when I would rather say "just let me be".

Today, I head back to KC to continue radiation treatments. That is my task this week and then they will do a scan later this week to see if the radiation is helping.  I love that God leads me to connect the dots to my own questions, that he uses music as a guide, and past experiences to inspire me.  All that being said I'm thankful for the serenity of stillness & peace in this season of my life that feels everything but quiet and peaceful. 

It is in my prayers that most of you can see through God's silent times and find that in reality he was there all along.  Find that His stillness & peace can crash into your chaotic circumstances and leave you with an overwhelming sense of calm.

Hoping that each of you are able to weather through the storms that you face in life.  That when you don't hear God you don't hear abandonment by your Heavenly Father but the stillness & peace that he is gifting to you through your storm.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• Dale returned from south Dakota on Saturday.  My son who is always quiet was full of tales to tell us and we stayed up until 11 just to hear them.  He saw what extreme poverty looks like and really connected with the kids & community he served. If you get a chance to ask Dale about his trip do it....and leave some time for him to share.
• Emily is headed back to Gilda's Club this afternoon to work with the preschoolers in their kids program.  The counselor that is charge of the program came and talked to me last week and told me how remarkable Emily is and what an asset to the program....love that.
• My broken foot is healing and my oncologist was not impressed by it what so ever.  I told him that if I can have a sense of humor about it he needs to too....needless to say I'm still waiting for him to crack a smile. 
• Finally, thanks to each of you for your prayers & kind words.  

Let It Rain

 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people.  Titus 2:11





This week has been a bounty of the old saying "when it rains it pours". Since last week with my cancer doc and hearing that they want me to be "radiant" again I've been heart sick & found solace in being by myself & pouring all the needs of myself & my fam unto the Lord. I told Him that He can move mountains and in reality my probs are just anthills in comparison to His power & I left it to God.

 I went and sought assistance for our bills this week and was crushed when the agencies called to say that we made to much or didn't fit their qualifications for a fam in need. We took my Betsy Bravada to a shop which diagnosed why she is running the heat full force & overheats. It is an actuator switch that has went out which means the steering column has to come out & the labor alone is almost $900. There is the rain for my week & it had me sobbing.  

What I didn't realize was that the true rain was coming.  A friend offered up their extra car for Ted to use to get him to work and home.  That leaves me with the air conditioned Jeep.   Gilda's Club found that they repair cars at Longview Community College in their mechanic program & are looking for cars with air conditioning problems for this summer session.  I called, talked to Dave & he acted like an actuator switch is no biggie.  He is going to meet with the instructors this week to see if one will take on my Betsy Bravada.  And, the cost is about $50-100 for a lab fee and any parts they need.  The rain God is bringing went from a drizzle to a downpour.

Over the week I've had gal pals that sought me out to tell me they want to help me get to radiation. They are willing to drive with me, sit with me, and shelter me through the storm.  It was a reminder of the friendships that I have had & still do through Christ.  

Friday my kids reminded me of what awesome people they are and have become.  Dale & I had a great heart to heart talk as we were packing up his stuff for his mission trip.  I told him that I've always known that God was going to do great things with him because of his compassion, empathy, and ability to serve God unconditionally.  Dale shared that it was because he had a great mom that was all those things and more.  I had to sing some praise to God for gifted me with Dale & his remarkable ability to move my heart with his words.  

Emily went to KC on Saturday to help with kids program at Gilda's Club.  Tedster & I stayed at the clubhouse to help & make sure we were there in case Emily would have a seizure.  We sat in the back of the all purpose room and watched Emily at work with the kids, reassuring the little girl whose mom left to go the parent meeting, partnering up with the preschool boy who just wanted to use red paint because it was his moms fav, and listening to those kids & making a connection.  It was an awesome privilege to see Emily do all those "teacher like" things that are in my wheel house but I never saw so clearly that they were a part of her as well.  I was thankful to be there to clean up the project so she & the other adults could take the kids to the "kids clubhouse" and just have fun.   I never thought I would say that I was blessed to clean up & be a grown up but I was yesterday.

This week I've got a few "to dos" to get done and then have a consult with my cancer doctor on Thursday.  I'm praying and speaking to God about getting the meds approved and sent to KC this week so I don't have to face doing radiation again.  I've got confidence back in my step that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me it just took me a couple of weeks to get there and some "rain" from the Lord.     

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• Emily got her scholarship for $1,000 per semester renewed through Voc Rehab this week.  She is in the process of doing an online evaluation to see what her interests are & to help her in seeking what she should do as a career.  She did great at the kids kickoff at Gilda's Club and is looking forward to heading back this coming Tuesday....God is good!
• Dale got to South Dakota yesterday safely....God is good!  He took his loots along with 5 soccer balls & 20 coloring books to leave with the kids at the reservation.  I pray that God keeps him safe & used him as a tool to lead other kids to Christ & compassion for others. 
• I told my kids this year that I'm determined to get rid of cancer & feel better.  I joked that I'm going to get a bike with a basket so I can ride & put Duke, my little terrier, in the basket.  This week a friend blessed me with a bright blue bike with a basket & drink holder.  Em & Ted are gonna go fill her tires today so she & I can do one bike ride this week around the block this week on a cool evening....God is good!

No Is A Sufficient Answer

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

When I was a kid my dad used to tell me "no".  When I would question what "no" meant he would say that "no" is a sufficient answer.  Hhhmmm.....yeah, that lacks explanation, right?  But as I grew up I saw circumstances and times where "no" should have been a sufficient answer.  Have you seen those moments as well? 

This week has been a challenge to me...shoot, if I'm honest this year has been a challenge for me.  Instead of saying "no" to radiation, infusions, bills that pile up, and a car that doesn't run right I said, "yes" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even though radiation has made my skin itchy when I get warm I choose to say, " You betcha I got this because God's got me".  My post yesterday on Facebook was that it was "gonna be a greeeeaaaattt day" because if you send postivity into the world you are destined to have it come back to you.

Yesterday, the kiddos & I headed into KC with Ted early birdy to drop him off at work and then take our Jeep (because it has air conditioning) into KC to plant a fairy garden at Gilda's Club, for me to check in with my docotr & get bloodwork drawn, and to attend support group.  The phrase easier said than done describes yesterday perfectly.

We hit the road later than Ted would have liked which stressed him out and led to an argument in the car over finances. I was early for my doctor's appointment so we headed to Gilda's Club to plant the fairy garden in the bright sunshine.  I stayed to help the kiddos and got sweaty and super duper itchy.  My skin isn't the same since radiation but I was thankful to have the Jeep to ride in that has air conditioning.  I trooped to my doctor's appointment where I found that I had forgot my insurance card....geez, it is the same card as I always carry couldn't they just copy the copy from two weeks ago?  The answer was "no" they would need me to fax a copy of the card or bring it in today.  I got my bloodwork drawn and waited to consult with my doctor.  I've been hopeful that the cancerous tumors that they see in my stomach are not going to grow & that the drug companies will approve meds for me since my insurance will not.  The doctor came in and told me that she had some good news for me & I was sure that my "grrreeeeeaaat" energy I sent out to the world was going to come back to me.

She shared that the insurance company had approved radiation as a treatment plan and they would like to schedule radiation for Monday.  All I could do is sit there and sob when I wanted to scream "NO!".  I asked about the meds and she said she had consulted with the team and they felt that once the meds get approved they can use them with the radiation. And, my head, heart, and mouth told her "no".  I shared with her what a fiasco it was for me to ride share with Ted  that morning.  I shared that I have an older car which overheats & runs the heat full force.  I told her that radiation the first time was harder than I thought & I couldn't imagine trying to do it in the summer with  my current ride.  I told her I needed time to think, process, and I would call the office back. 

Afterwards, I sat in the Jeep and cried to God.  I said "yes: when they wanted to radiate, do infusions, medicate me, and to dealing with it all.  I said "yes" to taking care of me and not focusing on my family, the bills, etc. I nabbed the kiddos afterwards and took them to lunch and we went back to Gilda's Club for my support group.  I'm usually pretty quiet and yesterday was no different until the end of the group when I shared what was going on and told balled.  I told them I just wanted to shout "No!  I don't want radiation.  I don't want cancer".  My counselor told me it was the perfect place to say that, cry, and let go.  I shared with them about my Betsy Bravada that overheats and runs the heat full tilt . All I could think how uncomfortable I was last week just driving her with the kids through the heat & rain storm & trying to imagine doing that daily for a 4-6 weeks has me screaming "NO".  How my skin itches so badly and how I just don't feel like I can do it again with the worries of my car, the financial strain & drain on Tedster, and the emotional strain on our whole family. 

After the support group the kids & I sat at the clubhouse for another hour and half because we had to go nab Ted from work before we could head home.  I shared with Ted on the way home what was going on and cried.  He told me that we could just ride share but that isn't going to work because I have to go with him early birdy and then wait until 5 in the evening to get home.  I told him that radiation makes me loopy, tired, and it is all I could do to drive home before and I didn't think I could just sit and wait until 5.  We thought over him using Betsy Bravada for work but she has issues with overheating not to mention the heat that runs nonstop and that isn't a solution either. 

This afternoon I'm supposed to call my oncologist and let them know to schedule radiation on Monday and the answer is "no".  I'm done until I can figure out a way to get our cars fixed.  Emily's little subaru needs a new engine and Betsy Bravada needs the thermostat fixed, radiator replaced, and newbie tires.  I need to figure out a viable car before I take on cancer again through radiation. 

Have you ever found yourself at a point of where "no" has to be a sufficient answer no matter how hard it is or what it costs.  Right now I've got to reach out in faith & trust that God will conquer cancer for me.  I've got to reach out in faith & trust that I know someone that can help us with the car repairs & the cost.  I've got to know in my head, heart, and soul that God has great things planned for me, the Tedster, and the kiddos and this is all a space of time that He can resolve.  Today, I say "yes" to a God that loves me & my fam beyond measure.  I say "yes" to not knowing the solutions to cancer, bills, or cars but rely fully on Christ who does.  I say "yes" to restoring my own positivity & faith.

If you would be so kind feel free to pray over our fam & my health.  I would appreciate it more than words can say. 

Peace be with you - Sherry

Needs & Updates:

• Dale is headed to South Dakota in about a week for a mission trip...God is good!  Here are some things that he needs for the trip:   Bottle of sunscreen, spray bottle of bug repellent,  because of lice within the community he will be serving we would like to send him with a box of RID (a lice treatment kit in case he gets lice), 2 bags of beef jerky, tea tree or lavender shampoo.** Dale is collecting color books, soccer balls, basketballs, and volleyballs to leave with the kids that he works with.  If you would like to go to the dollar shop and buy some color books that would be great.  If you have a used soccer ball, basketball, or volleyball that you could donate that would be awesome. 
• Emily is going to be working with the cancer counselors at Gilda's Club this summer with their kids program.  She will be working primarily with the preschoolers. She will need to have bug spray to use while working.  If you would be willing to nab some for her that would be fantastic. Pray that she stays seizure free & can shine God's light into each child she comes into contact with.  
•  This coming week Emily meets with Voc Rehab to renew her scholarship.  Say a prayer that the meeting goes well & is productive.
• I've started to contact a few agencies to see if we can get financial help.  I've been stonewalled at this point because:  we live in Cass County, my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, and just people that have been burned by helping others. I feel a weight on my heart in how I can help my fam financially & do what I need to healthwise.  Say a prayer this coming week that I'm to get a hold of an agency or person that can help with a utility bill, medical bill, etc.