Rocketgirl Two

I'm sitting with my garage door open and praying on my neighborhood this morning and surrendering my own inadequacies to God.  As I sit here pondering I here the start of "Riders Of The Storm" by the Doors. I feel like I'm having a vision quest like Jim Morrison. I am ready for a Native American to walk on by. I laugh to myself because that could have happened last month in South Dakota but I'm back in Missouri.

I realize that I may be aging myself with these references but still the music persists in my head and keeps replaying.  I continue to try to pray over my neighbors, my ability to be light to them and the music becomes louder. I persist to keep praying and finally the music blocks me from my prayer and I start to write.

What's a vision quest? A vision quest is a supernatural experience where a person interacts with a guardian spirit that could take the form of an animal to get advice or protection. Geez, Sherry, I think you were on that reservation in South Dakota too long.  Let me explain or try to explain.  I felt like there are times when I hear or see things that God is laying out for me. I've done it since I was a kid. I actually write notes to myself with words, songs, or mental pictures.

I hear the crash of thunder from the beginning of the song and the rain that sounds thunderous in response. I feel the weight of what the world is pushing and pursuing on me, on the hubs, Emily, and Dale. It is enough to make me shriek in fear and run. Instead, I know I have to lift my arms up in total, absolute surrender not to the world but to our Heavenly Father. He has it all, he has me, he's got the hubs and our children. He will not allow his beloved children to flounder in a storm when they are meant to ride.

Yeah, like riders in a storm...good, one, Lord.  You knew it would take me until this afternoon to clarify the hippy dippy trippy images in my head. The fears that the world demands will devour each of us and we will be cast out alone.  Or is that just me? Is that just my fear of abandonment reeling it's ugly head like a rattle snake rattling and waiting to strike?

Before I can declare "victory" in Christ Jesus as I open my eyes in the morning I hear that dark refrain.  The refrain is ominous and rides into my thoughts, punches me in the gut, and kicks me. It is the wrestling of the giant that is the enemy.  As I type those words I am realizing part of why September is going to be so hard. I have to ride in the storm. Jesus, I'm a city kid with no horsemanship skills. I can barely get on a horse yet alone ride it, God. And, I hear that wonderful big booming laughter in my brain that tells me that I make the Lord roll in laughter. Then riders of the storm starts again....what is it with you, Lord, and that song today?

Lord, September has been a long trip and it isn't over yet.  I've resigned from places and experiences that I loved to pursue you, Lord. I've said "yes" when I could have said "no" to what I felt you wanted. September brings a storm of hurt, fears, and name calling. Those things that I hear in my head that the enemy presents on his silver platter "You are; stupid, worthless, no one wants you, no one needs you, be done with it already". I hand them back with "I am smart, capable, and I stand brave strong and true on the rock of Christ Jesus my Savior".

I took time to read about Riders of The Storm...thank you, google.  Lots of people have opinions. It was the last song that The Doors recorded before Jim Morrison died. Did I tell you that I've had this thing with Jim Morrison since I heard my first Doors song?  I loved the imagery, the metaphors, and the poetry of the songs. I read about Morrison and have books on his poetry which is as sketchy as my writing. Truth be told I feel a kinship somehow to Morrison because of his love of words and metaphors. The images I see help me opened my mind and connect with our Heavenly Father. The metaphors and words let me know that I'm not alone.

I think "Riders of the Storm" is in my head today because God needs me to know I'm not alone. That I am quirky which makes me different. My kids are quirky too. Did I mention that I found out that the hubs loves The Doors about 30 years ago? I think he must be a little quirky too.  I think the Lord is rallying my spirit today that I don't sit in the puddles of the storm. I don't hide in fear. I ride in the storm. I was designed with a different path.  That's why I see the world differently, talk in metaphors, draw, and write.

It occurs to my the song isn't Rider of the Storm but Riders. My heart melts thinking of the hubs, Emily, and Dale. We are riders and I sense that we aren't the only riders in this storm for this month at this particular time. There are others and I hear the word "limited supply"...what, Lord, like Aldis with their seasonal items?  The laughter rolls again with the words "few and far between, exquisite light, truth, and bravery". Ohh, God, you had me at exquisite.

Hoping this helps another....it has helped me.  Know whatever storm you are going through our Heavenly Father has your back, walks beside you, and lights your path.

Peace be with you- Sherry

UPDATES

• I started weekly infusions rather than do daily meds for the cancer nodules in my stomach. It was something I did before losing my health insurance and something that I've got to start back up.  
• Dale has two jobs working with two teams on research studies at Northwest. One will pay him. Not a lot but it will help him to be independent. 
• Emily went to her neurologist appointment. She started to have vertigo, have trouble walking and wasn't coherent when she was talking.  The good news is that it happened about 45 minutes before we got to Dr Seeley's office and continued during the appointment. 
• I was the sole advocate for Emily and we talked about surgery for her.  He is going to send her records and scans to KU for their evaluation to see if they can find what is happening in her frontal lobe. The good news is they do frontal lobe surgery at KU.  The scary news is that surgery is Emily's only hope of being seizure free. 
• After Emily's appointment the Sandymobile would not start.  It couldn't be jump started. There was a guy that was trying to help me when Ted got to the hospital. We had to get a new battery and are praying that was the cause of the problem. 
• We are behind in our house payments by a month and got a letter demanding $1,300 today by October 13. We will check with the bank to see if we can get a loan for the money to try to save our home. 
• Ted still have the lump in his prostrate. There is a co-pay for him to get an ultrasound so he's putting it off. 
• I'm going to call my brother for an update on my mom tomorrow. Continued prayers as we navigate to help her.  

Rocketgirl One

I'll admit it this morning I have Rocketman by Elton John in my head.  The beginning where the lyrics talk about packing up, kissing your loved ones, and heading out to space.  Last night I got I phone call from my brother about my mom. She is in the hospital and her health has vastly depleted over the course of the year. He found my mom on the couch, unresponsive, and called for help.  He shared that he thinks she needs more care than he knows how. I could hear what was unsaid in his voice.

I asked if I it was good for me to go to Des Moines and he told me no.  The lyric "it's gonna be a long, long time....long, long time because I'm a rocketman" is playing in the background as I write this and I'm completely in tears. 

I said to my brother "thank you for caring for her, David, thank you" and told him to call me anytime night or day to talk or discuss what to do or where to go next.  We talked about what he is doing and what I'm doing.  I told him about South Dakota this summer and he just laughed.  He knew the kid sister that was a city girl that went to the prairies of South Dakota as a kid.  I told him the vastness that I feel when I'm there.  Like I was meant to be there and he told me that he felt the same way. 

I talked about my kids and he said "Dale is the smart one that is going to be the brains of our family". As I type that I cry a little more. My dad once said "Sherry you are the smart one that will go places" and I never went further than Missouri.

I guess at this point I should give you some background about the family I grew up with.  There were four of us; my dad, my mom, my brother, and me.  I was close to both my parents. My dad died one week before my wedding and I still miss my confident that walked on this Earth. My mom and I were super close until a few years ago.  She exploded with anger and rage and accused me of things that weren't mine ....they were my dad's. Things that he had done. That happened each time I saw her. I thought she was angry and I was ok with being her punching bag.  If it helped my mom heal then so be it.  That wasn't the case.

Years ago after a blow up with my mom she called and wanted me to come and talk with her. I drove to Des Moines with my kids. I met my mom for lunch in Des Moines at her house. As they played outside she told me about her relationship with my dad.  She told me that she was going to divorce my dad but found out she was pregnant with me. What she told me left me feeling like a little girl that was scared and alone.

She told me that she never wanted me and that I ruined her and my brother's life.  That I should just stay away and they would and could be happy.  I completely fell apart inside. Through tears I loaded my kids in the car and drove back to Missouri.  Within two weeks I had a letter from my mom's lawyer telling to me cease speaking to her or coming within 10 feet of where she would be.

 A year after that meeting my daughter got a card for Valentines Day from my mom. My daughter had always been close to my mom so I let her open it. She found a note that said to tell her mom that grandma was having brain surgery and had cancerous masses in her brain. The rocketgirl was ready to zoom back to Des Moines to be there for her brother and mom.  I zoomed to the phone and my brother told me it would be best if I stayed in Missouri.  He would call me once the surgery was done.

That left me time to ponder. It made sense why my mom went off the deep edge. She had something in her brain causing her to lose her memories, right? Once the surgery was done she would be back to being my mom, right? Not really.  I've had letters I wrote returned, phone calls never returned and been told by my mom on the phone that she doesn't have a daughter. 

I am blessed that when I was diagnosed with cancer I wanted to talk to my mom.  The mom that raised me, helped me know Jesus, loved to read, and loved me.  I prayed for a week before I made that call.  Please God let me get the mom who loved me. I did get that mom who told me to fight, to do what the doctors say, and to not be her. 

The last time we met my mom and brother for pizza in Des Moines she whispered in my ear "I love you but don't come back". I haven't. There have been times I wanted to go see friends in Des Moines but don't. In my mind I hear "one side of town your dad is buried and the other side your mom doesn't want you".

With my mom it could be her health conditions, pent up anger, or old age that has caused a rif in our relationship or the things she told me at that lunch years ago were the truth.  It is the truth that I fear.  It has been something in my life that has been heartbreaking for me.

This summer in South Dakota I could feel September was going to be a hard month. Hard for our family and it is. I don't know what it is about South Dakota but my thoughts are free to connect with God. He prepped his beloved daughter and yet this morning I'm crying and surrendering it all to my creator, the one that calls me daughter, and whispers come back.

It's spurred me to write a few blogs on being a "rocketgirl" in hopes it will free my spirit and yours.  I mean who doesn't have a great relationship with their mom? I want to answer me but I feel God saying there are lots of them out there, child, you are not alone.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• It's been a hard September and we are only two weeks in.  Here are some prayer requests for our family and some of the heartache beyond just my mom.  
• Dale returned to NWMSU and Emily stayed behind to live with us for a while longer.  We need to straighten out her loan situation and press forward with finding a solution to her uncontrolled seizures. 
• The hubs has numerous health concerns with diabetes.  He also found a lump two days ago and we are going to the doctor today. 
• I've put off weekly infusions this summer and have a consult with my oncologist next Wednesday.  
• Prayers for my ability to write a series of my experiences in South Dakota that could be published with proceeds going to my church family in South Dakota.  
• Prayers for my mom that she would have a day or more of absolute clarity where she is the mom that my brother & I grew up with. My brother needs to find paperwork about her insurance and other matters. If she had a good day she could show my brother where all the paperwork is and answer questions for him.  
• I start art classes in my art studio next week.  I'm hoping that I can be a consistent wave of hope, light, and grace in our community through art.  
• I will be starting an artsy bible study on Monday nights 7-8:30. We will watch a short video, talk, write notes of praise and prayer requests, and then work on artsy junk journals. Please come, invite others and spread the word...its a freebie night of creativity and faith. 

  

...praying

....praying


Yes, that is what I wrote to my missionary friend in Japan.  He'd posted to pray over the kiddos as they head back to school. In my head I thought, really, that's it, Sherry ?  My mind was busily thinking about writing a blog over the words "you really like me".

Hmm, maybe it was a reminder of whom I've been.  I've been that kid that felt like nothing is working and I'm checking out.  I was in eighth grade.  My family life was a mess and I felt like my only way out was to die. It hit me as I typed praying that is the kid in Japan that I'm praying over.  The kid that has no voice and no words for the sadness that reaps their joy.  The kid that believes the darkness of death would be better than walking in the light.

It hits me as I write that's not only in Japan. That is here in Pleasant Hill where I live.  I'm sitting north so that's for the kids that are in Blue Springs, Lee's Summit, and KC.  Then my mind goes further north to the kids in South Dakota that I know and those that are unknown.

The vastness of it...ohh, Lord, just bubble wrap each child, each student, allow your light and goodness to sink in where there feels there is only darkness. ROAR like a lion over them, break the spell that has been cast over them that it would shatter, crumble, and be blown away never to take root in another child or adult that walks the Earth.

Today is not a day to write about being liked by God but about what it looks like to feel unliked and unloved by Him. Today is a day to break the cycle and to pray over people; child & adult in a resound battle cry to our Heavenly Father; "ROAR".

ROAR is the cry I use for myself that encourages, surrounds, and surpasses my understanding. It instantaneously rallies peace in my heart, mind, and spirit.  It allows me to see a speck of light in the vastness of darkness until daybreak. ROAR, DADDY, ROAR.

Amen...peace be with you

Sherry

PS

The pic is the cubbies that line the hall leading to the Boys And Girls Club in Marty South Dakota.  The kids had helped carry in what they said was "The Marty Mall" with bins of shoes & clothing & socks we brought with us.  I snapped this pic before we left Marty that afternoon to remind me that God always sees the way before me all I have to do is say "yes".  I may not have met all the Marty kids this trip but I'm hoping to meet more in October.

In October I would like to take Takis ; its chip the kids love in Marty.  If you would like to order some Takis via Walmart or Amazon and have them delivered to South Dakota let me know. I'll give you an address.