There are so many things that I see in Hester that are like me; young, naive, guilt ridden, and tight lipped. Young, yes, we all have been, right? Naive was the word my dad used for me and told me that being naive as a girl was a good thing. And, guilt ridden, that has been a lifetime of defeat in my own mind.
On Easter Sunday this year I was walking into gathering and felt God tell me "she's the same as you". I instantly knew what he meant. Someone was there who had been silenced too. As I looked at the vastness of the crowd I felt the word "magnitude" and knew I had to be bold. I asked God tell me who. I saw a lady with her two kids on a blanket and knew it was her. I went over and introduced myself, told her we were kindred souls and asked to hug her. In that embrace I felt the weight of my words are swords.
I sat in gathering & started to write in my journal ; she's the same as you. You both wear the scarlet letter A, The A is for absolution you are free. The scarlet is my blood shed for you. My blood was shed so you know you are not guilty or condemned you are free. Wear your scarlet letter as proof that you are mine. Tell her. I went back to her and she stood up in tears and we hugged. I took her hand as we prayed collectively The Lords Prayer.
We went to eat burritos after gathering and the mom & her kids came with the hubs & I. We sat together and began to talk. She started to confide in me about her past and present. I told her about the scarlet letter and she began to cry. I shared about my past and that my marriage is a story of redemption but I felt like I knew her because she was me just younger. It turns out that she is me. God was accurate.
It's because of this younger mom that I decided to write about the "scarlet letter". I decided to stop being tight lipped like Hester Prynne in the book but to be free as a beloved daughter of the King. May you see the beauty in the moment and know that the Lord calls you beloved. Once you know Christ you are his. The world can mock you, beat you, and wound you for years but you are always His. This is how the world took my words for twentysomething years.
A few years ago the hubs and I were walking our dogs one evening. He said something like "I think we need to tell people about when we were first married". I actually had a panic attack and broke into tears. When he could finally get me to talk all I could say was "do you know what people will think of me ? They'd mock me for staying and I can't take that. You do what you want but leave me out of it".
He brought the topic up again within a few days and it was the same reaction; panic attack and me refusing. I felt the shame of what our marriage was. I felt ashamed that I stayed. I felt ashamed for reconciling with him, I felt ashamed that I had another child with him. I felt ashamed for being 23 and being so naive that I thought I could change the world or at least my husband.
In my journey with transparency in this blog series it gets dicey. What if I would offend someone. What if they would think less of me? What if....and the list rolls on. Instead of being captured by the what ifs any more I'm taking a chance to be totally candid through my words and blog.
Last week I shared about being a word nerd. That ability to write came back when I was in college. I would journal daily and write out open prayers to God. I would also write responses in my journal and send praise that God was with me.
That was my "secret" life where I would write to the Lord. In my public life it was much different. I went out most nights to "social gatherings" aka parties. It was at a "social gathering" where I met the hubs. We hung out, hooked up, and dated for a whole week before breaking up. I had wrote in my journal after I met him. I continued to pray for him in my journal even though we were more off than on again throughout college.We did this rinse and repeat for three years before I thought we got it right. He asked me to marry him and we moved in together to KC.
I wanted to share with him about my faith but he asked the party girl to marry him not the believer. A couple of months after we moved in. We got into an argument over something I can't even remember. What I can remember is that we were in our bedroom and I had my back turned. I remember that he shoved me to the bed. I remember that he began hitting me and all I could think was to hide my face. As the beating continued I began to sob. And, finally, took a deep breath and kicked him hard enough to get away with just my car keys. I ran to my car as he ran after me yelling God only know what.
I drove to a friends house. I was shaken and scared. She let me call my dad. In tears I told him what had happened. He asked if I was done with him. I didn't know what to say and said nothing just cried. My dad told me, "I love you but until you can say you don't want him I can't help you. I'll be here, I'll listen to you, but you have to call it, Sherry".
When I got back to the apartment I was still shaking. I didn't want to go back but I felt like I had prayed for this boy. There must have been something wrong that I didn't know. He apologized, talked to my dad over the phone, and promised my dad that it wouldn't happen again. But it did happen again. Time and time again. We got married and it still happened. Our daughter was born and it happened within the first week she was born. As I was holding her in my arms he beat me as I cowered to the floor to shield our baby from being hit or kicked. He told me how he hated me and her. He said he would kill her if given a chance. I felt lost.
When our daughter was born I began going back to church, had her baptized, and found confidence an solace in the Lord. The beatings still happened & the verbal abuse was daily. I started carrying a car key in my pocket at all times in case I had to run with our daughter. But where to run? I ran to the church that we went to. I was a Sunday School teacher and always told people that I came to pray over the kids, my classroom, and my abilities. That was true but it also became a sanctuary from my husband.
We had moved to a little house in Grandview. The verbal and physical abuse was daily. I still journaled to God about all my fears and worthlessness. I knew I was worthless and nothing. If I was something then he wouldn't hit me right? If I was thinner or prettier he wouldn't say those horrible things to me. If ...yeah, I've got to stop here and take a breath.
It was at our little house that he found all my journals one day. I got home from teaching and saw his car in the driveway. I actually prayed daily that he was gone on my drives home. That day he was waiting for me in our bedroom and was agitated. I took our daughter to her crib and closed her bedroom door before I went my own bedroom.
He was angry, agitated, and I still shake when I think of how he looked at me. He held up a journal from college. He demanded to know what God had done for me. If I was happy that God sent him to me? And, then, the beating. As He started to hit and kick me he kept repeating "are you happy with God?". Instead, of being silent I said "yes". That angered him more and he told me "I'm going to beat God out of you". He beat me with his fists & kicked me. He beat me with my journals. He read my prayers for him out loud, mocking my words. Being beaten, mocked by my words, my prayers is one of the worst things that has happened in my life.
My husband took my journals and when I tried to stop him he pushed me and took them to the trash. He told me no more journals, no more praying and no more God. When he was done I couldn't even speak and he took my silence as God was gone but he wasn't he was right there by my side.
Daily he would taunt me about my faith and ask "is God here?". I learned if I said "yes" then I got beat so it was better to remain silent. In my silence I found the Lord who gave this hopeless girl hope.
It took me six months after my journal beating to get a restraining order on my husband. I went to the court house with my daughter. God made me bold but as I started to tell the gal at the counter what I was there for I broke into tears. She came out, had me take a seat, and told me she was there to help. She got me calmed down, got the forms and told me to fill them out while she watched over my daughter.
She read through my forms, gave me a hug, and told me that I was going to be safe. She took the forms and they were approved on the spot. That was God and he was there. He worked on my husbands heart, mind, and spirit for years while we were separated. God allowed me to grow up & grow in faith and confidence that He was with me.
It was years before I wrote in a journal again. Almost 20 years. I never wanted to be taunted for my prayers or persecuted for my words again. I wanted no proof that I wrote to God. I called words my sword to the world but in reality my words were silenced for 20 years. It was during radiation and chemo that I started writing in journals again. God can not be silenced. When God chooses to use you, your experiences, prayers, and your words it becomes crystal clear.
I have an image in my head as I write this particular blog. When I write about my past I know Jesus was with me during those beatings. He cried with each blow that I took. He felt more pain that I felt and took the brunt of it. He was there. He knew and knows. He wants me to be free once again with my words even when those words bring me to tears. Even though I'm afraid of what the world will think. How the world will judge me, judge the hubs, and our family. I feel the gentleness of the Lord saying, "Sherry, tell them about it. I already know".
May each of us feel empowered to navigate our lives with integrity. That we are equipped with what we face daily from the world. That when we call on Jesus he hears and is aligning for our good. That we know that we are never too late. That we can be ourselves. And the beauty that he created in you is recognized by your creator.
Peace be with you- Sherry
UPDATES;
- We are looking for a used AC until to replace our AC this summer. Since radiation my skin blisters and gets heat rash when I get hot. I have someone that will do the work but need the unit to make it happen. Let me know if you can help us.
- The sonshine will finish his first year of college on May 2. We are going to Maryville on Sunday to move his frig & other things back home. Please pray for bubble wrap on our drive and our ability to get the Sandymobile loaded.
- The darling dot got her epilepsy bracelet and we can track how long she's sleeping, steps she takes, and get a call & text when a seizure is detected. I got a text while I was in KC yesterday. Emily had a seizure. Emily had another seizure last night. That is two in one day which has never happened. We are rallying together to pray favor over Emily for complete healing from seizures and epilepsy.
- I'm planning on going to Wagner, South Dakota for July through August. Please pray for provision for me. I will need grocery money & gas money while there to get me to The Boys and Girls Clubs in both Wagner and Marty to do art with kids.
- I'm working on art classes and camps for the kids in KC for June. I'm hopeful that the camps will be well attended and that I can earn enough through them for my mission trip to Wagner this summer.
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