Woke

Truth be known I'm 49 and have a ton of stories and stuff.  What stuff, Lord? What will make a impact? Sunday I feel asleep, had a dream, and then woke up.  That happened five times before I got the message.  Share about "the song". 

My senior year of high school my language arts teacher had us write in a spiral notebook daily.  She would give writing prompts; a word, poem, art, or song.  She had us write for five to ten minutes.  It was the first time I had wrote since junior high.  I had to write because it was an "assignment".  

Our teacher shared we could write the same word over and over again.  We could write song lyrics.  We could write about anything or nothing at all but we had to write. The first journal entry is just a page filled with "I don't want to write" repeated over and over again.  The second page was the lyrics to "In My Life" by the Beatles. I repeated the cycle for the whole week and got all my points because I was writing. 

By week three as the teacher gave me mine she said "look at the note".  She had wrote "The Beatles were still a band when I was your age.  Tell me more".  I cleverly wrote the lyrics to "I Am The Walrus" and at the end wrote "Bono is bad". I got my journal the next day and she had wrote "How bad is Bono? Please explain". 

I found the band U2 in Washington DC on a school trip. My roomies were from Lake Oswego, Oregon. They couldn't believe that we hadn't heard of U2. At the end of our trip we were fans.  Leisel gave me her cassette tape of "The Unforgettable Fire" for the plane ride home. I bought the album at Target my first week home.   

I would tell you my fav U2 album is "War". I could tell you "Vertigo" was written for me after I got a concussion....ok, it was released after my concussion.  But, I'm here to be transparent, right?  My fav album would be "Wide Awake in America".  

I played it a handful of times in high school and then not for forty something years.  That album was too personal to me.  The song "Bad" is how I was inspired to write "Bono is bad" in my high school journal.  

The song "Bad" made me cry the first time I heard it.  The words felt like a letter from God to me.  I was this zany little peace punk in high school.  I had began smoking pot daily so I could just feel a lit joy daily.  I had a new flock of friends that were artsy like me.  They were agonized by their family relationships like me. I loved the freedom of expression that pot gave me.  It made me bold.  It made me carefree. It helped me to be invincible against my world.

My friends and I would play a game once sufficiently baked "God Smite Me".  We decided to dare one another to see if God existed and to  see if we could actually make God smite us. Doesn't that sound fun? 

Some of my adventures in "God Smite Me" include;  Lay out in the street as the high school traffic comes over the hill. Jump in front of a car coming down the street. Have a river rat party under the bridge in downtown Des Moines. Hit the graveyard at midnight to summon spirits. Go to churches and poke fun of people worshiping.  

One Friday night we were at a church. One of my childhood friends went there. I didn't know it until she sat beside me and took my hand. She asked to talk to me.  I went to a back pew with her. She told me she had a message from God; "Sherry you know God. God knows you.  He loves you. You were designed to be a leader not a follower. All you need to do is choose Him". I laughed in her face and walked out. 

There was no way that she had a direct connection to God. What a line of garbage. The next week I bought U2's "Wide Awake In America" and listened to "Bad" and thought ; "Jesus, now I'm hearing God too" and cried.  I played that song every day for a week rather than getting stoned.  The lyric "If I could through myself set your spirit free, I'd lead your heart away, See you break away into the light". 

 Ok, God, I think I hear you. The lyrics of the song rolled onto all the things that I felt. It was like God was asking for me to "let it go" ; 

"If I could you know I would

If I could, I would

Let it go...

This desperation

Dislocation

Separation

Condemnation

Revelation

In temptation

Isolate

Desolation

Let it go

And so fade away

To let it go

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no,no, no

I knew if I let all that go I would be free.  I knew in my heart that I would be free. If I just gave it all to God.  I couldn't.  I had trusted people and they walked out on me. I felt their hypocrisy. I felt scorned, separated, and like God was watching me from way up in his heavenly place and doing nothing.  Those lyrics "I'm wide awake I'm not sleeping" just fueled me to build barriers to protect myself from my family, friends, the world and God.  I played that album for one week and cried out to God to help. When I didn't see Him stop it my barrier got taller and taller until it was a tower.

 I got a copy of U2 "Songs of Experience".  The lyrics hit me like a message from God again. Only this time it inspired me, challenged, and made me think what a long, strange trip I'd been on. How U2 was the soundtrack for my life.  The hubs & I went to Josey records in KC on a date day.  I found a CD of "Wide Awake In America" and wondered where my album was and why didn't I ever play it.  The CD was only a couple of bucks so I bought it. I got in the Sandymobile memories flooded back. It was literally going to be "bad". The hubs went to play it and I said I would rather listen to the radio.

The next week I was driving into KC to teach art class to kids. I was driving listening to CDs in the car. "Bad" came on. I was captivated by the lyrics. I heard Bono give the soulful howl. I realized why when things go totally from bad to worse I howl. Why when I have no words I howl.  I howl because "Bono is bad".  My howls have contained my pain, anguish, and hurt and were directed at God since high school.  Bono was just the songwriter & singer that led to breakthrough of my pain. That is the answer to my high school teacher that I never answered in my journal.

I realized as I heard the lyrics "come on down" that was God's gentle reminder that he just wants us to come to him. As Bono gently croons "come on down" tears flowed. I had finally started to break the wall down a few years ago.  As those bricks broke I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Last year during a prophetic class with my sonshine the tower crumbled.

When I hear the lyrics "I'm not sleeping" I think, yeah,  I'm no sleeping anymore in this life.  I realize that lyric wasn't about an omnipresent God that wanted to see my demise.  It was a call to remove the scales from my eyes, heart, and mind that I would see and know the world like Him.  That I would be present to see others like the Lord.  I would hear others and be their confidant and pray over them to wash them with God's light. My heart would know the wonder of the Lord and what breaks his heart and makes his heart.

I think I always did think, know, see the world in a way like the Lord does.  I'm a hoper; I hope for the best, see the best, and try my best to be kind, compassionate, and love others well.  I knew I wanted to be a teacher at 5 years old. At 40 something I realize God created me to be a teacher, train warriors, mentor, and be a source of His hope and grace. I'm awake.

I never have looked up the song "Bad" to see why it was written.  I didn't need to know because it was God's letter via U2 & Bono to me. It was the letter that I put down in high school.  It was the letter with open invitation to be free but I chose to walk away. It was the letter that was waiting to be received fully until I was fortysomething.

I shared with the school aged kids of TSMKC this spring about the song. Both my darling dot and sonshine were there. I shared that I had a song was like a letter from God to me. I heard it in high school. I listened to it for a week and cried and prayed that God would make my life easier, better, and beautiful. When he didn't I built a wall and then a tower. I told them about buying the CD  and listening to it and how the tower crashed. I realized that I was awake as a light bearer. That God had aligned me to bear his light to them & I was ready to "howl" for joy...which we did.  I let them listen to the song. One of the kids said "Sherry, you know when we howl you howl in whoops like that singer".  That's because I'm awake and not sleeping was my reply.

The words; classic punk, mystery of faith, and polarity. Those are all words that popped into my journal this week as I struggled to write this. Polarity came this morning which is the struggle between two forces that want to connect together; like magnets. Isn't that absolutely what this blog is about? Me living in the world and building a wall that turned into a tower so as not to get hurt and not fully connect to God. I love that worldly "polarity" has kept me dragging around a tower for years. It gives me perspective when I write, when I talk to others, and inspires me to be bold. My tower is shattered how about yours?  May you start to take down your wall, shattering bricks each day.  I know its hard but to be a beloved daughter or son you have to live free.  That means no more bricks, no more towers. That scales from the walls & towers would be shed that our eyes would see, ears would listen, and hearts would know.  Then we are truly wide awake, not sleeping and it's not bad.

Peace be with ...may you walk in the "Son" shine - Sherry

Updates;

• Bold Streak; I've reached out asking for help to get all our gear to Wagner, South Dakota this summer.  If you have a truck or trailer or both and would like a road trip to help me get all the donations and art supplies there for me on my mission trip that would be remarkable. I will be there July and part of August and I know there is too much for the Sandymobile to carry.  Pray for provision and gentleness to prevail. 
• Dale shared his "rocks" with the kids at gathering last week.  We shared about the Holy Spirit and he shared his billions and billions year old oceanic wave rock from Missouri...hard to believe we were once an ocean.  He will be sharing that message with TSMKC kids on June 5 without his mama; pray for confidence, grace, and light to shine with him. If you would like him to come share with a group of kiddos or adults he would.  Just message us. 
• Emily broke her glasses after a seizure a couple of months ago.  She duct taped them together. We kind of forgot about them with her epilepsy. Yesterday, she ordered a new pair of glasses. And, we found an optician that takes her insurance. 
• Pray for Emily that she be healed. Pray over her as she works to get her financial aid released. She has been calling trying to get figure it out.  If you pray for her process, tenacity, and favor of our Heavenly Father to clear this obstacle. She wants to go to NWMSU this fall to finish her degree in counseling. 
• We are cleaning our garage so that I can have ; a spot for parents to sit & hangout while their kids are in art classes, for a maker space for The Artroom, and so that I can pull in the Sandymobile in the garage in the winter. Pray for ; Emily, Dale, and I as we spend the next couple of weeks on the project. 
• I'd like to sell of my Etsy stash to help me fund The Artroom, my home art studio, where I do kids & adult classes.  If you like vintage or sell it message me.  Items will be ; $1-$10.  
• As we clean out the garage we will be donating and giving things away. If you are a crafty sort and would like some free wood please message me.