When you have lost hope and think there is no way to make it through the Lord releases his goodness upon you. He moves mountains and literally breathes life into our lungs. God reignites the flame of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. He brings his lost children home with hope, confidence, and grace.
In Rocketgirl One I shared about my broken relationship with my mom. How my brother and I are trying to navigate care for the end of her life. It has brought me to tears for the past few weeks. It has reminded me that our parents raised us to be ; smart, capable, brave, and compassionate. My brother, David, was born with a compassionate, empathetic heart beyond my own. We share the same sense of humor and believe sarcasm is a lost art.
I've been reminded daily of how I ran away from Des Moines. It wasn't entirely because of my relationship with my mom. I ran away to Kansas City after college. I decided to stay in KC once my dad passed away. To be like the "rocketman" that Elton John sings about floating close but far enough away to run from my own hurt and pain.
My dad died one week before I was married in 1993. It was horrible and has taken me years to process. After my dad's visitation my mom insisted that we stay and say good bye to our dad. Neither my brother or I wanted to do it. My brother looked at me and I looked at him and we watched our mom and didn't move. I finally went to his casket and felt totally broken. My brother came beside me and promised my dad he would take care of mom and not fail her. I was standing next to him and took his hand and said we both will we are in it together.
I'm brought back to that promise we made to our dad to take care of mom. There is guilt that she isn't able to live in her home. Pain that soon I'll have no parents here on this earth. At moments I'm without words. The precious blessing is my brother is reeling from the same emotions. I have my brother and he has me.
Last Saturday on our way home from South Dakota I took a detour to Des Moines. I took the turn for Des Moines near Omaha and instantly it felt weird. I kept seeing the signs on the interstate to turn to go south to Kansas City. I began to pray that I wouldn't turn off and just home. God, if you intend for me to get to Des Moines you are going to have to help me stay focused and protect me; my mind, heart, and spirit beyond just bubble wrapping me in my travels. I looked out into the sky and saw it was filled with clouds like a trail heading east. I said Holy Spirit it is going to take more than clouds to distract my brokeness and I felt like there was a beautiful gold light that was winding around my hands, arms, and body and weaving over to Emily and throughout my Sandymobile. Good distraction Holy Spirit, I'll take Wonderwoman's lasso of truth to get me to Des Moines and back to Missouri too.
Emily and I had lunch with my brother. It was time to talk about small stuff and the larger things too. Half way through my brother said "So, do you want to go see mom today?". Inside I wanted to scream NO and grab Emily and run for it. Instead I told him maybe we could wait a couple of weeks. David looked at me and said "Sherry, I don't know if she has a couple of weeks and I think you need to go now". Emily nodded in agreement and so did I.
David said not to let my mom offend me because she is out of it most of the time. He prepped me that she looks different from the mom that I knew from age and because she doesn't eat right because of the dementia. We got to the care center and I started to cry in the Sandymobile. God this is bigger than me and not what I had planned. I accepted that you told me in Heavenly realms my relationship with my mom would be restored. Now, I'm here ...help me.
Brilliantly the words brave, strong, and true that have been a part of my prayers came to mind. I knew it was a sign that I needed to stand brave, be strong, and stay true in my faith and not waver. We got to my mom's room and David brilliantly became the big brother I remember as a little sister. He said "Mom, there's two people here to see you. Do you know them?". She looked and rolled her wheel chair over and looked at us and said "No, I don't know these women, do you David?". He asked if she remembered who Sherry was and she said yes. He told her that it was Sherry and Emily and we had drove from South Dakota to see her. She asked for me to come closer. I did and she hugged me and said, "Ohh, Sherry, you came so far to see me".
She had no idea that "far" wasn't the miles it took. Far means that the little girl that she raised was a woman who loved the Lord with all her heart and trusted Him. Sherry was standing brave, strong, and true in grace gifted from God. She was standing; not cowering, not running away, standing.
We talked for a while and it was clear that although she was my mom she wasn't my mom. My mom was always OCD about things and with dementia it shows up huge; she washed her hands constantly, went to the bathroom several times, and had to fix her sink area and get towels to scrub the sink numerous times. She asked me "how is your boy doing?" and I told her about Dale. Then I realized that she probably didn't understand what I was talking about. We decided to stay while she had dinner. She brushed her hair several times and Emily looked at me. I brush my hair a lot too and have a hair brush in my car. I looked at Emily and said "apple doesn't fall far from the tree".
My mom sent David and I out into the hall and shut the door on us. It was just her and Emily in her room which freaked me out a little. The precious thing was that she wanted Emily to check her hair to make sure it was ok because "my kids will lie to me". She and Emily got a chance to talk and Emily felt like the grandma that she loved as a little girl was there with her.
Finally, it was time to leave. I went to hug my mom goodbye and as she hugged me she said "I know your my family but will you be my friend? I really need a friend". Then she didn't remember who I was or Emily. As my brother hugged her she told him "thank you for bringing your friends with you".
So, yeah, Rocketgirl Four, has this Rocketgirl returning to Des Moines. It was a heavy load but no longer a burden or pain for me. It was exactly what I needed to know; my mom loves me, my brother loves me, and although Des Moines holds some heart break for me it is still my hometown. We stopped by a local grocery store for me to buy sauce that my friend makes and sells there. I was waiting for the butcher to slice some cheese...ok, you gotta have great cheese with the sauce. I started to cry silently. Emily was beside me and hugged me. She said "Mom you are so strong. You have been strong my whole life. Dale and I have seen you remain strong with things that would break most people but not you. Go ahead and cry and know that I will stand strong for you. It is my honor to stand strong for you now". I absolutely love when God confirms what he says through your children; he told me to stand brave, strong, and true and now I get the joy of seeing my daughter do that for her mom.
The time with my mom broke my heart into a million pieces. There were so many very good moments and then she didn't even really know I was there. Perhaps, the time spent with her was more about me than here. More about me learning what it means to stand brave, strong, and true in the face of adversity, pain, and hurt that has no words. Our Heavenly Father reflected beautifully how compassionate he is in the time that I could glean with my mom. He gave me a glimpse of the heavenly realms that he promised me in my prayers. For that I am thankful.
Peace be with you- Sherry
Updates;
I'm brought back to that promise we made to our dad to take care of mom. There is guilt that she isn't able to live in her home. Pain that soon I'll have no parents here on this earth. At moments I'm without words. The precious blessing is my brother is reeling from the same emotions. I have my brother and he has me.
Last Saturday on our way home from South Dakota I took a detour to Des Moines. I took the turn for Des Moines near Omaha and instantly it felt weird. I kept seeing the signs on the interstate to turn to go south to Kansas City. I began to pray that I wouldn't turn off and just home. God, if you intend for me to get to Des Moines you are going to have to help me stay focused and protect me; my mind, heart, and spirit beyond just bubble wrapping me in my travels. I looked out into the sky and saw it was filled with clouds like a trail heading east. I said Holy Spirit it is going to take more than clouds to distract my brokeness and I felt like there was a beautiful gold light that was winding around my hands, arms, and body and weaving over to Emily and throughout my Sandymobile. Good distraction Holy Spirit, I'll take Wonderwoman's lasso of truth to get me to Des Moines and back to Missouri too.
Emily and I had lunch with my brother. It was time to talk about small stuff and the larger things too. Half way through my brother said "So, do you want to go see mom today?". Inside I wanted to scream NO and grab Emily and run for it. Instead I told him maybe we could wait a couple of weeks. David looked at me and said "Sherry, I don't know if she has a couple of weeks and I think you need to go now". Emily nodded in agreement and so did I.
David said not to let my mom offend me because she is out of it most of the time. He prepped me that she looks different from the mom that I knew from age and because she doesn't eat right because of the dementia. We got to the care center and I started to cry in the Sandymobile. God this is bigger than me and not what I had planned. I accepted that you told me in Heavenly realms my relationship with my mom would be restored. Now, I'm here ...help me.
Brilliantly the words brave, strong, and true that have been a part of my prayers came to mind. I knew it was a sign that I needed to stand brave, be strong, and stay true in my faith and not waver. We got to my mom's room and David brilliantly became the big brother I remember as a little sister. He said "Mom, there's two people here to see you. Do you know them?". She looked and rolled her wheel chair over and looked at us and said "No, I don't know these women, do you David?". He asked if she remembered who Sherry was and she said yes. He told her that it was Sherry and Emily and we had drove from South Dakota to see her. She asked for me to come closer. I did and she hugged me and said, "Ohh, Sherry, you came so far to see me".
She had no idea that "far" wasn't the miles it took. Far means that the little girl that she raised was a woman who loved the Lord with all her heart and trusted Him. Sherry was standing brave, strong, and true in grace gifted from God. She was standing; not cowering, not running away, standing.
We talked for a while and it was clear that although she was my mom she wasn't my mom. My mom was always OCD about things and with dementia it shows up huge; she washed her hands constantly, went to the bathroom several times, and had to fix her sink area and get towels to scrub the sink numerous times. She asked me "how is your boy doing?" and I told her about Dale. Then I realized that she probably didn't understand what I was talking about. We decided to stay while she had dinner. She brushed her hair several times and Emily looked at me. I brush my hair a lot too and have a hair brush in my car. I looked at Emily and said "apple doesn't fall far from the tree".
My mom sent David and I out into the hall and shut the door on us. It was just her and Emily in her room which freaked me out a little. The precious thing was that she wanted Emily to check her hair to make sure it was ok because "my kids will lie to me". She and Emily got a chance to talk and Emily felt like the grandma that she loved as a little girl was there with her.
Finally, it was time to leave. I went to hug my mom goodbye and as she hugged me she said "I know your my family but will you be my friend? I really need a friend". Then she didn't remember who I was or Emily. As my brother hugged her she told him "thank you for bringing your friends with you".
So, yeah, Rocketgirl Four, has this Rocketgirl returning to Des Moines. It was a heavy load but no longer a burden or pain for me. It was exactly what I needed to know; my mom loves me, my brother loves me, and although Des Moines holds some heart break for me it is still my hometown. We stopped by a local grocery store for me to buy sauce that my friend makes and sells there. I was waiting for the butcher to slice some cheese...ok, you gotta have great cheese with the sauce. I started to cry silently. Emily was beside me and hugged me. She said "Mom you are so strong. You have been strong my whole life. Dale and I have seen you remain strong with things that would break most people but not you. Go ahead and cry and know that I will stand strong for you. It is my honor to stand strong for you now". I absolutely love when God confirms what he says through your children; he told me to stand brave, strong, and true and now I get the joy of seeing my daughter do that for her mom.
The time with my mom broke my heart into a million pieces. There were so many very good moments and then she didn't even really know I was there. Perhaps, the time spent with her was more about me than here. More about me learning what it means to stand brave, strong, and true in the face of adversity, pain, and hurt that has no words. Our Heavenly Father reflected beautifully how compassionate he is in the time that I could glean with my mom. He gave me a glimpse of the heavenly realms that he promised me in my prayers. For that I am thankful.
Peace be with you- Sherry
Updates;
- We leave tomorrow to head to Columbia, Missouri to The University of Missouri for a consult with their neurological team. They have Emily's records and have reviewed them. We are hoping they will take on her case and can find where in her brain her seizures are happening and are able to do surgery to stop the seizures. Any prayers would be appreciated.
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