Insignigantly Small

	Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.
	- Psalm 143:10

It was Super Tuesday here in Missouri & a chance to vote in the primary.  I was thrilled to go to the polls with my Emily this morning.  It was her first chance to vote.  I got my ballot before her, filled it out, and was done before she even sat down.  She just looked at me in that way that kids do when they want your help.  I said to her, "Emily, I can't help you, but those nice ladies at the registration table will".  She walked back, told them about voting for the first time, and they filled her in with the details.

Afterwards, we headed to KC for me to get an iv infusion.  I've got a total of two left & could not have been in a better mood.  I was filled with confidence until the nurse took me aside after my blood work today.  She told me that my white blood cell count was too low to undergo the infusion.  They did a scan & my ulcer is still open.  They advised me to go home, rest up, and come back on Thursday.

Shoot, Thursday, is St. Patrick's day down in KC.  It is fun, crowded, and rowdy in that order....and usually I love to go for the parade & stay for the antics afterward. And, truth be told, after an infusion I feel about as loopy as if I were at the parade...lol.  I shared with the nurse that I didn't think it would be a good plan because of the traffic & I didn't want to have Emily have to drive in it.

What that means is that I've got to wait until next week to do this week's infusion.  It means that my "schedule" that I had in my head of when I would be done is thrown off.   I left heartbroken from the clinic today, defeated, and feeling really insignificant in the world.  I decided to go find some solace at the Kemper Museum of Art but as I drove I noticed the Unitarian Church on the corner.  I've always wondered about that church & what it looks like inside since I moved to KC years ago.  Today, that church seemed like a beacon for this wounded gal after God's heart.  I drove in, parked, and went in.  I told the guy at the front desk that I always wondered about their church and today I just needed a place to pray.  He showed me to their sanctuary and asked if I wanted the lights on or off.  I was stumped and he told me "sometimes I focus better with the lights out is that all right?" and I nodded.

I sat down and poured my heart out to God .  I told him how worthless, hurt, and defeated I am and then I sobbed in silence.  I remembered my grandparents telling me to pray the Lord's Prayer when I felt all was lost, I was scared, or hurt and that God would remind me that He is there.  I prayed the Lord's Prayer a couple of times and then just sobbed some more.  Then I felt I stillness in the sanctuary that wasn't me or anyone else.  That calm, steady, stillness was God.  I heard in my head , "Sherry, you are not insignificant or small.  You are mine" and it kept repeating.

 It was exactly what I needed to hear.  The past couple of weeks have been low for me, I feel like I'm burdening my fam & friends.  I haven't went to God in prayer because I felt like He had enough to handle without my small, petty problems.  I've tried to go on faith that he knew already.  Today, though, I realized I had forgotten something that was so basic to who I am & what I believe....you take everything to God in prayer & you leave it with him.

The words "insignificant & small" totally summarize how I've been feeling.  The world sees me as someone that is "insignificant & small" & the enemy has taken advantage of that feeling in my core to reap havoc in my mind, deter me from my God given right to come to God in prayer, and take and squeeze God's grace from my mind, heart, and soul to leave me feeling very alone.  God took and washed that all away for me today because I stepped up and came to him in prayer.  He knew my heart, mind, and soul along & was waiting for me to silence myself & the world.  He gifted me with the knowledge that I'm not "insignificant or small" that I am His.

I'm not sure how this week will play out for me.  I know I need to listen to my doc & nurses and rest.  I know that I need to find the favor that I seek in time of prayer with the Lord.  And, I;m looking forward to taking this week as my very own "spring break".

I want each of you to know that you are NOT insignificant or small.  Your value is in Christ who gifted you His grace through Christ.  I'm hoping that you will find solace in prayer this week. I challenge you to take a "spring break" from what the world tells you & to hunker in & listen to what God is speaking to you.

Peace be with you - Sherry