Revolver

I recently got a set of four Beatles drinking glasses and adore them.  The best was that one of them has the album cover for Revolver my fav Beatles album.  I told my fam that if they broke one of the other three it would be sad but I'd get over it but to not use the Revolver one because its my fav & if anyone breaks it I should be it....lol.

The whole idea of the word "revolver" tripped something in my mind over this past week.  My journal is filled with words describing being a "revolver" meaning someone that keeps having the same thing happen, doing the same, and never varying from the status quo.  I feel that after last week and still being a financial crunch, having cancer nodules...shrunk as they may in my stomach, and trying to figure out a solution to it all.  I also journaled that rather than being a "revolver" that God was creating me into a "evolver".  Evolving means changing yet keeping the some of the same characteristics. I tried to figure out how to share that and thought a revolving door was a great example.

Who knows what a revolving door is ? As I worked on writing this blog it came to mind that most doors are automated these days.  For those that don't know a revolving door is one that runs in a 360 degree pattern and that you gently push and walk its circular path to get inside or outside.

I've been working through some tough emotions this past week.  I've been a little over a month and half without chemo or meds that I need.  I've entrusted by filling out financial paperwork & being abundantly honest about what we can afford when it comes to treatment.  I say I'm blessed to have done what I can do and leave it to God to handle because I haven't a clue of how to make it work.

It feels like a revolving door of doom & gloom...yeah, I said that in my best Eeyore voice (you know the donkey from Winnie the Pooh).  I'm challenged daily to keep going.  Challenged to find the silver lining, the beacon of light, and to be the light to others through the darkness.

My one insight is when the revolving door of doom & gloom beacons for me to enter that God keeps that door revolving until I spot the light.  The light of the moment, the humor in the situation, or the grace laid before me.

This past week I was not a good light catcher.  I cried, whined, complained, and was snarky. I allowed sass to be my weapon of choice rather than grace.  Instead of remaining hopeful I let what physically challenged me to rule.  I chose to let the physical, emotional, and financial pains isolate me from my Heavenly Father rather than to draw me closer to Him.  Have you been there?  Have you walked through the revolving door and refused to push it or walk on?  Let the worlds darkness envelop, isolate, and abuse you?

Its an easy trap to get stuck in the revolving door and stay put and choose not to walk into the light. It's not comfy or calm but grueling and futile. I think so many times we feel stuck or trapped that we forget to walk.  It feels like life is at a stand still and so what do we do ...stand still.

What can we do? Deliberately and intuitively walk.  Within that walk start to give praise to your Heavenly Father for what you do have.  For me that would be Him who knows, loves, and created me. My kids who love their crazy hazy mom & steadfast hubby.  I also am blessed with a comfy bed my very own "therapy pets".  I adore that when I'm in KC through radiation, chemo, blood draws, scans, and more that the one thing that silences my fears is the idea of coming home.

Once all those praises come out you can see the light.  Sometimes the light is a sliver and sometimes it could blind you.  It doesn't matter you keep WALKING.  If you don't see a sliver of light after praise you keep WALKING.  The light may not be instantaneous for you to see but I guarantee that it is there waiting to erupt from the shadows, the murkiness, and the dark.

There is something satisfying to me within this blog. It brings solace to my soul which is still walking the revolving door.  My revolving door has me feeling within my body and spirit that I need to make choices about chemo meds soon. I've allowed the darkness to overshadow my light this past week because I've been bogged down with trying to meet my health care needs.  Rather than receiving God's natural light or His light from within myself I've put on sunglasses and kept walking the revolving door.  This blog has enlightened me to what I know which is ; WALK, praise, WALK, praise, WALK, praise, and keep me head up for the light to shine upon me.

May each of you keep walking, praising, and take a deep breath to see the light God has placed within you. Peace be with you- Sherry

UPDATES:

• Last week I got approval via the hospital for my mammogram but not my insurance company.  I waited most of Tuesday in KC to hear they had approval but the tech that was set to do my mammogram had left for the day.  They told me that I could come back in the morning at 7am to have it done and I said "no". I borrow a gal pal's car : 1. I wouldn't have a ride, 2. insurance won't cover the mammogram until my birthday, and 3. I was worn out physically and emotionally. I'm planning to do my mammogram on December 16, my birthday, to ensure that insurance will cover it.  
• I headed to another dispensary aka pharmacy this week to see what med costs would be and if I qualify for any additional financial aid via their hospital.  I should know within the next couple of weeks.  I contacted an agency for cancer patients to help pay for meds. They are sending me forms to fill out and told me that any determinations of assistance will be dealt with in January.
• Physically & emotionally this past week has taken a toll on me.  My bff nausea is back. From walking on Tuesday in KC my feet and ankles swelled so it was hard for me to get my shoes and socks off.  Ted and Emily wound up helping me. 
• Emily has a final in her lab tonight and then a final for her Anatomy & Physiology class next week.  Pray that God calms any test anxiety she may have & that she can focus.  She has started to drive again to class keep her in your prayers that she is safe behind the wheel.  
• Open Artroom continues to be open each Sunday from 3-6 pm.  Feel free to stop by, create, or just gab.  It will do wonders for your spirit and mine as well.