"Ain't no rest for the wicked. Money doesn't grow on trees. I've got bills to pay, mouths to feed, ain't nothing in this life for free"...song lyrics but wowsies, so true in life. We get so colluded in our own search to pay bills, keep our kids safe, and have some quality of life that we forget we are free. That is where the challenge starts.
The past couple of weeks I've been denying my freedom through Christ. I feel bound and gagged but my world. Cancer is a fierce foe. I've got nodules in my stomach that were reduced with radiation and chemo but require further chemo and maintenance meds in order to keep them from growing or shrink them more. Sprinkle in the woes of borrowing a car to get to your doc appointments along with a dash of guilt over finances. You've got a wicked recipe for self absorption.
No matter who you are or what your circumstances its easy to get caught up in self absorption. Its so human to buckle under the pressure, get on a pity pot, and refuse to see any of the gracious goodness that God has blessed you with. Some days you must praise for the small stuff and there are other more glorious days that you get to praise for the large.
What I've forgotten to do this week is to praise God for either. Instead, I've been a crabby kid filled with anxiety and turmoil. On Tuesday I went to KC to start a newbie chemo plan that will hopefully stop the nodules from growing or spreading. I paid the chemo for the month and in doing so over-drafted our bank account because I didn't check before I just did. I was so focused on going, doing, and self absorption that I didn't think of the smalls like checking our bank account. I didn't find until Ted walked in the door after work and asked me about it. By that time I was already feeling the physically bad and then the mental mind game started to flood my spirit. I had failed my family to keep them financially safe. Failed Ted that he doesn't even have gas money to get to work. And, from there my self absorption grew, festered, and hurt.
Its Christmas time and I was reminded of the Isaiah 9:6. It promises that through Jesus we've got a "wonderful counselor, mighty God, everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace". I know this in my core. I rely on my Heavenly Father to confide all my worries and fears to. I know He is mighty creating provisions for me and my family. I believe He is everlasting, omnipresent, and the light into this world. But what I failed to remind myself is that He is the "Prince of Peace". That means there is nothing worldly that we face that can not and will not be conquered by His peace when we beacon it. It is a peace that covers all the anguish, guilt, sin, and fear that we face. It is a peace that washes over us daily as a sweet release from the here in now. It allows our hearts to be full, our minds at ease, and our bodies rest.
This year I've been learning what God's peace is all about. Through radiation & chemo I may have cried but then felt a resolve that all was well. Cancer has taken its toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally but I feel an inner peace. A peace that allows me to joke that cancer is a worthy foe but something far greater is going to take me out. Peace that crashes what the world throws in my path and does not allow me to be defeated. But I have to beacon that peace for myself. I have to call on Christ to bring "heaven on Earth" for me and my family through his peace. I have to trust in his peace to wash over each of us daily, allowing us to trust him, and give him control over our fears & hurts.
Peace be with you
Updates:
1. Emily finished her finals this week. She signed up for two classes for next semester. God is good.
2. We have been trying to save for a down payment on a friends car. Since I overdrafted our account this week we are at square one of trying to save again. It is bittersweet in trying to choose what we can afford ; chemo or transportation.
3. My birthday was Friday. A friend gifted me with gas money for Ted for work for next week. Emily made my fav cake ; angel food confetti. I was crabby on Friday. Emily told me to stop it. She shared that it was my birthday and a day to celebrate because she and Dale have a mom...love that girl for bringing perspective into my day.
4. Ted and I worked today on a budget and trying to handle the overdraft. Its hard situation but we are determined to work it out together. If you would like to help head to my Etsy shop, stop by the house to go through scarves, legwarmers, and texting gloves. Any purchases will help me to afford chemo and then Ted can focus his checks on saving for a car for me.
5. Dale and I are working with Blue and Daisy on commands so they can be tested as therapy pets. Over winter break if you have a child that would like to come and read to one of them that would be swell. Please send me a message and we will work out a time.
6. Open Artroom is each Sunday from 3-6 pm. Each Sunday there will be an art project that is appropriate for all ages. This Sunday is a snowman made from an old spring. The materials are provided & it is come and go as you wish. We will have the "tip jar" out if you chose to donate to keep our community creative.
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