Rocketgirl One

I'll admit it this morning I have Rocketman by Elton John in my head.  The beginning where the lyrics talk about packing up, kissing your loved ones, and heading out to space.  Last night I got I phone call from my brother about my mom. She is in the hospital and her health has vastly depleted over the course of the year. He found my mom on the couch, unresponsive, and called for help.  He shared that he thinks she needs more care than he knows how. I could hear what was unsaid in his voice.

I asked if I it was good for me to go to Des Moines and he told me no.  The lyric "it's gonna be a long, long time....long, long time because I'm a rocketman" is playing in the background as I write this and I'm completely in tears. 

I said to my brother "thank you for caring for her, David, thank you" and told him to call me anytime night or day to talk or discuss what to do or where to go next.  We talked about what he is doing and what I'm doing.  I told him about South Dakota this summer and he just laughed.  He knew the kid sister that was a city girl that went to the prairies of South Dakota as a kid.  I told him the vastness that I feel when I'm there.  Like I was meant to be there and he told me that he felt the same way. 

I talked about my kids and he said "Dale is the smart one that is going to be the brains of our family". As I type that I cry a little more. My dad once said "Sherry you are the smart one that will go places" and I never went further than Missouri.

I guess at this point I should give you some background about the family I grew up with.  There were four of us; my dad, my mom, my brother, and me.  I was close to both my parents. My dad died one week before my wedding and I still miss my confident that walked on this Earth. My mom and I were super close until a few years ago.  She exploded with anger and rage and accused me of things that weren't mine ....they were my dad's. Things that he had done. That happened each time I saw her. I thought she was angry and I was ok with being her punching bag.  If it helped my mom heal then so be it.  That wasn't the case.

Years ago after a blow up with my mom she called and wanted me to come and talk with her. I drove to Des Moines with my kids. I met my mom for lunch in Des Moines at her house. As they played outside she told me about her relationship with my dad.  She told me that she was going to divorce my dad but found out she was pregnant with me. What she told me left me feeling like a little girl that was scared and alone.

She told me that she never wanted me and that I ruined her and my brother's life.  That I should just stay away and they would and could be happy.  I completely fell apart inside. Through tears I loaded my kids in the car and drove back to Missouri.  Within two weeks I had a letter from my mom's lawyer telling to me cease speaking to her or coming within 10 feet of where she would be.

 A year after that meeting my daughter got a card for Valentines Day from my mom. My daughter had always been close to my mom so I let her open it. She found a note that said to tell her mom that grandma was having brain surgery and had cancerous masses in her brain. The rocketgirl was ready to zoom back to Des Moines to be there for her brother and mom.  I zoomed to the phone and my brother told me it would be best if I stayed in Missouri.  He would call me once the surgery was done.

That left me time to ponder. It made sense why my mom went off the deep edge. She had something in her brain causing her to lose her memories, right? Once the surgery was done she would be back to being my mom, right? Not really.  I've had letters I wrote returned, phone calls never returned and been told by my mom on the phone that she doesn't have a daughter. 

I am blessed that when I was diagnosed with cancer I wanted to talk to my mom.  The mom that raised me, helped me know Jesus, loved to read, and loved me.  I prayed for a week before I made that call.  Please God let me get the mom who loved me. I did get that mom who told me to fight, to do what the doctors say, and to not be her. 

The last time we met my mom and brother for pizza in Des Moines she whispered in my ear "I love you but don't come back". I haven't. There have been times I wanted to go see friends in Des Moines but don't. In my mind I hear "one side of town your dad is buried and the other side your mom doesn't want you".

With my mom it could be her health conditions, pent up anger, or old age that has caused a rif in our relationship or the things she told me at that lunch years ago were the truth.  It is the truth that I fear.  It has been something in my life that has been heartbreaking for me.

This summer in South Dakota I could feel September was going to be a hard month. Hard for our family and it is. I don't know what it is about South Dakota but my thoughts are free to connect with God. He prepped his beloved daughter and yet this morning I'm crying and surrendering it all to my creator, the one that calls me daughter, and whispers come back.

It's spurred me to write a few blogs on being a "rocketgirl" in hopes it will free my spirit and yours.  I mean who doesn't have a great relationship with their mom? I want to answer me but I feel God saying there are lots of them out there, child, you are not alone.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• It's been a hard September and we are only two weeks in.  Here are some prayer requests for our family and some of the heartache beyond just my mom.  
• Dale returned to NWMSU and Emily stayed behind to live with us for a while longer.  We need to straighten out her loan situation and press forward with finding a solution to her uncontrolled seizures. 
• The hubs has numerous health concerns with diabetes.  He also found a lump two days ago and we are going to the doctor today. 
• I've put off weekly infusions this summer and have a consult with my oncologist next Wednesday.  
• Prayers for my ability to write a series of my experiences in South Dakota that could be published with proceeds going to my church family in South Dakota.  
• Prayers for my mom that she would have a day or more of absolute clarity where she is the mom that my brother & I grew up with. My brother needs to find paperwork about her insurance and other matters. If she had a good day she could show my brother where all the paperwork is and answer questions for him.  
• I start art classes in my art studio next week.  I'm hoping that I can be a consistent wave of hope, light, and grace in our community through art.  
• I will be starting an artsy bible study on Monday nights 7-8:30. We will watch a short video, talk, write notes of praise and prayer requests, and then work on artsy junk journals. Please come, invite others and spread the word...its a freebie night of creativity and faith.