1 Peter 2:4-5 this week and it seems like the clever distraction I need; "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ".
I have woke up to Aretha Franklin's "Rock Steady" each day this week in my head. The song is a personal fav and my jam this spring. It reminds me that even when I feel like I am unsteady and the world is coming in to smother me it won't happen. It allows me to feel life, dance around my art studio or kitchen, and lets me trust I can "rock steady" on the rock that is Christ Jesus.
This spring I have began to write my testimony that I will share. I've been asking God to guide my words and give me the excerpts of my life that need to be shared. The word that I got was "scars". Visible scars like the one on my chin or my left arm. Then there invisible scars that only your heart and soul know. Those invisible ones ae what I am struggling to write about.
The girl that loves words and is a nerd is at a loss for words, friends. I've told myself to just shut up about it all for so long that to bring it out into the light feels scary. I brings back old words like ; unworthy, sinner, slut, and murderer. The same words that I have worked 28 years to replace with worthy, forgiven, jewel, and beloved. Old words are like old scars hard to replace when you write let alone when you speak.
This afternoon I had an email from the lawyer settling my mom's estate. It is almost done and there are some last minute details they need to talk to me about. The email excited me because I have been praying that the estate would get done this month. I have been praying that it would be done so I can afford to pay for my son's college class this summer. Done so I could afford the scans and appointments to specialists for my own health needs. Done so that I would have a beautiful blessing from my mom. The mom that God gave me. The mom with dementia that loved me enough to bless me.
I'm pondering this afternoon the scar that is left from my mom. The scar of being without contact with her for almost 15 years. The scar that the words spoken by a woman with dementia 15 years ago were the truth. Most days I could navigate this one but for the past two months I have been writing about invisible scars and didn't even consider this one.
I have to take heart and take a big breath that I am not the only one. I am not the only one that has put those invisible scars in a box and left them there. I started to proofread this and went to take out the part about my mom thinking it really isn't part of it...but friends it is. She is the reason that I'm alive. The reason that I know Jesus. The pain from 15 years without a mom because dementia took her is a lot. I don't know how to explain those emotions or that scar right now.
I have been reflecting on 1 Peter 2:4-5 this week and it seems like the clever distraction I need; "As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ".
It reminds me I am the new words; chosen, beloved, jewel, worthy. Read that scripture friends you are chosen and precious. You may have been at one point rejected by someone but never by our Heavenly Daddy. He created you and calls you chosen and precious. Our Heavenly Daddy is there when we are vulnerable. That feels remarkable.
Five years ago when I I started the five year plan I knew that I was supposed to write and speak about my invisible scars with transparency. Year one, two, three, and four passed by and I said thanks but no thanks. Year five is here and to be complete and free I have to be not transparent as I once thought but vulnerable.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago to be vulnerable I would have looked you in the eye and given you a small glimpse. Not enough of a glimpse to be vulnerable. This year I am having to trust our Heavenly Daddy with everything. It is total surrender, freefall, and taking a deep breath. It is doing a hard thing. My mom's death was a hard thing. Settling her estate is a hard thing. Writing about my past for two months has been a heartbreaking thing.
If you are in a similar place or maybe you are telling God not this year I get it. Maybe you have lived a life of half truths in order to cover those scars. I understand because I have to. If transparency makes you want to throw up in your mouth you are not alone. I believe that our Heavenly Daddy is calling me into the light. I believe is calling you into the light too. Come a little further in the life giving water of Jesus. Connect closer and see you are chosen and precious.
May You Walk In Mercy & Peace & Rock Steady; Sherry
UPDATES;
*I am heading to South Dakota at the end of this month. I feel God telling me to fund raise for the trip. In South Dakota I will be masking up and working with Native American kids out at Boys & Girls Club in Marty doing art. I will be meeting with friends and bearing God's light. I will be speaking and being vulnerable for the first time in 28 years...no half truths just vulnerability. After praying I hear from God all that is necessary is me. If you would like to help me financially with my mission trip please send me a message for my address, Venmo, or Paypal info.
*We will find out the results from Emily's MRI next week. The other tests will take a bit longer but by May we will know those results too. Today she is 148 days seizure free...thank you Heavenly Daddy for the miracle that is Emily & the one you gave her.
*My son, Dale, is having a hard semester because of his class load. If you would pray mercy and grace over him that would be swell. He will be traveling for his major this summer in an apprenticeship geology camp. I would appreciate prayers over our ability to pay for the program, his safety, and that it would be a once in a lifetime experience.
*Emily, my husband, and I have all been vaccinated. I am thinking of re-opening my art studio for classes or private appointments to use my studio & materials. It has been a year and three and half months since my studio was open to kids or adults. If you would pray on that I would appreciate it. If you would like to send you kiddo to art camp or classes please let me know. If you are an adult and would like to come to Genesis art class where we mix faith and creativity please let me know.
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