Did you ever have that classic battle with your sibling on who is the "favorite"? For me that was a constant one and still is with my brother. When I went to college and would come home he would say "Ya know what? The sun sits and rises on you with mom and dad"....and then he would say a few more choice things about me. When the show, "Everbody Loves Raymond" came out my brother was sure it was a show about our family. And, yes, I would be "Ray".
My brother and I have been battling whose the "favorite" since we were little. If one got to go somewhere without the other obviously they were the favorite. What about if you got something that the other didn't....even if that would be a roll of cherry lifesavers when you were sick? Well, that means you are the "favorite". In our teen years and even adulthood both of us have had times of jealousy over favoritism. My brother got a spankin' brand new car when he turned 16 and I got a 78 Opal sports wagon. My brother complains still to this day about how once I was born that I took his parents away....ugh, that just always breaks my heart that at 55 he still believes that.
When we were kids my mom used to sit us down at the kitchen table to talk to us. She would tell us that we were all we had for family so we needed to get along. She would honestly try to break through to us that there was no favorite and neither was loved more than the other. My dad used to just yell at us and tell us that he didn't like either of us...crushing as a kid but understandable as a parent who has to hear those petty fights with her kids.
My mom also would bring scripture into our talks and used the example of Joesph and his coat. She would tell us that no material gift, attention, or help that she or my dad would give either of us should break us apart like Joesph and his brothers. She would beg us to realize that we loved one another and were the only siblings we would ever have. And, in the end either my brother or I would make a smarty pants comment and send my mom to her room in tears and praying for her kids. Yeah, we both were a hot mess and as an adult I'm thankful for all of my mom's prayers in her room throughout the years.
As an adult this past week I heard the story of Joesph again and was reminded of my mom and her talks. I thought about "favoritism" as a mom myself. And the type of integrity and character that I show to my kids. Geez, that set me back a moment to think where am I with God? Would God want to give me his "favor" for my actions and words over the past week? Or would he go to his room like my mom and cry? Would people see me, read my blog, and think "Ohh, Sherry, again, bragging about her world"....would that lead to jealousy, resentment, and hard feelings....just like it does with my brother?
I'd like to think that I go with God's favor each day of my life but I can see there are moments that God has cried over me. Why? Because I was too naive, unappreciative. He loves me far more than my parents and gave me something they couldn't....eternal life. Does that make me the "favorite"? No, but it does make me appreciate the gift of eternal life and his "favor" gives me peace of mind to make it through all my crazy stuff. It allows me to realize that like all the things that I've learned that can't be taken from me neither can my "favor" with God. It follows me, strengthens me, and allows me to have integrity in my world.
That being said February has been a crazy month for me physically and mentally. I would have said before my surgery that February was going to be my month. Now February is almost gone and I'm heartsick. Why? Because there are some major life changes going on for me. Here's brief list.
- The shop in Greenwood is closing at the end of the month. That shop has been a huge blessing in my life and given me direction and courage in my creativity. With it closing I feel lost. And to boot I need to regroup, organize, and assess my life and what I'm doing. Should I continue to be creative, host workshops, substitue teach, or tutor ?
- Emily has been helping me to clean, sort, and purge from the artroom and garage. She literally sets a timer for 1-2 hours at a time for me to work a day. I feel overwhelmed with the time frame I've got, have cried, and ran a fever and been told to rest by my doctor this month.
- I've went to my first doctor's visit this month to do my bloodwork and report in. I actually wanted to cry as I got ready because it meant being an adult, facing what I've been told to do and following through & being accountable with my health.
- Ted and I are in a season of change in our marriage. We've been through a lot in the past couple of years and we are trying to find our way back individually and as a couple. It has been a labor of love at times to just stick together.
- Fitting into the groove of daily life as a Christian, wife, mom, creative gal, and more. Uggh, I thought that would be the one peace of mind that I had once my surgery was complete but it's not. Finding my way back to the intense, spiritual, lover, friend, and mama gal is really hard. The expectations are there from my hubby and some of my friends but wowsies I don't know if I can make them right now.
I honestly took a nap before my doctor's visit this week after crying about it. I napped and still wanted to cancel it but I didn't because I had Emily & Dale home and knew that even if I didn't want to go those kids of mine loved their mama and wanted her to. Tedster & I are trying, honestly, in our marriage. I think we both feel broken and bankrupt emotionally after the last couple of years. We did go out for our anniversary to dinner and in my heart he is still the crazy boy that I feel in love with & it breaks my heart to think of life without him. Ok, as for finding my groove back....ugggh, that one is hard. I see glimpses each day of the who I once was : the teendreamer, the twentysomething that was so focused & directed she didn't dare blink, the thirtysomething that had God bring her to her knees so that she relented all control and her life to him, and the fortysomething that looks back & can admit fear, asks for help, and is boldly taking it one day at a time.
How all those things are going to come together I don't know. That is the blessing on each season of our lives we don't know what is going to happen but we can walk into each moment with God's favor. That is something far greater than bragging rights about a parent's "favorite" it means that you can find peace, direction, and focus when times are rough but also find the small joys.
May each of you find God's favor throughout the week. Know that God is going to steady your load, walk you through each step, and can take any hardship and help you find joy. Personally, I what gets me through is knowing the the sun does not rise and set on me like my brother says. I know that the sun sits and rises on my faith in God and through his favor I can get through the day.
Peace be with you- Sherry
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