What does a season mean to you? There are four : spring, summer, fall, winter. Or it can be a time in your life that things are moving in a new directions and change. That is the kind of season that I'm talking about although the hot summer weather doesn't help.
The change I'm in is experiencing being a listener. The problem is that when you listen it isn't always something you want to hear or should have to hear. As a listener I close off part of myself that wants to jump right into "helper" mode. And, because of me siting back I've heard some things that are heart breaking to me from friends and my family. Instead of trying to defend myself or yell I just take it all in, say nothing, and walk in peace. Do you know how hard that can be? Betcha there are some of you that do.
My mom would always refer to Thumper's mom in Bambi and tell me "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all". I find myself if a season of saying nothing because there is nothing nice to say in a lot of situations. There are friends that I would love to tell what I really think or how they hurt me but instead I think stay silent. When my hubby breaks my heart for the zillionth time I say "I understand" rather than what I feel. When I offer to help and no one returns my calls I take it as a message from God to stay silent and my heart breaks each and every day. There is something in my very fiber of who I am that doesn't stay silent but I've felt God telling me to just be quiet.
I prayed on this blog long and hard because it was complicated and had so many layers that I would bore you if I went into. I'm not designed to be a crybaby, complainer, or negative. That's just not who I am. I'm the one that finds joys in the everyday, loves the Lord, and praises Him for each small & large victory. Lately, I feel like that person is being silenced. That Sherry is being held captive because she doesn't want to cause a stir, hurt someone, or just be mean. The Sherry that I've been the last couple of months is not what God intends and I feel broken.
Know the best thing about feeling broken? God takes all those fractured pieces and builds you back up piece by piece. This week I feel a pull in my soul to take action and accountability for myself....yeah, you heard me. I'm responsible for my attitude and I chose joy, positive thoughts, and to do the smalls that make life live-able because that is who God designed me to be. He also gave me grace where I step (yes, most of you know what I klutz I am are giggling). He allows me to choose my words wisely, pick my battles, and be accountable to Him alone. And, that is something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do again . What I've found out is that God didn't take the feisty gal away he just gifted her with the ability to silence herself. He gifted me with the ability to listen and not to talk no matter how hard that can be. And, he took me through some heartbreaking situations to let me see a path of what I can do.
This week I'm starting out in a different mode. What is it? To live in joy by doing the small stuff that I'm capable of, asking for help when I need, and being grateful for each step of the way. I've asked my kids to help me with projects around the house. And, I made an appointment this morning to see my cancer counselor in a couple of weeks when the kids go back to school. Those are all joys to my day. I also am starting to feel that I'm hatching out of this season of my life with a newbie philosophy of taking care of myself, finding a voice to say what is acceptable and unacceptable, and learning to have a new respect & gratitude for my family and friends, and the ability to listen without reacting. Ohh, God, you are so cool!
I would encourage all of you to find your voice this week. If that means going through a season of staying silent, observing, and being a listener....do it. As I'm writing this Otis Redding is crooning about Sitting on the Dock of the Bay....oh, God what a great reminder to my spirit of what has been going on & changing in my world. I've come out being aware of who I am, what I stand for, and been gifted the ability to sit back, listen, and reflect before reacting.
It's really a magnificent feeling but I'm tired from it and thankful that I can feel God's presence through it. I'm praying for each of you that read this that our Heavenly Father be with you each step of the way and encourage your progression no matter the season of your life.
Peace Be With You- Sherry
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