We've all had those moments in time that are awesome and those that we are defeated. This week finds me barreling down in defeat ready to crash and burn. I feel like a "train wreck" that is going to inevitably happen. I just don't know when.
I've been walking in faith & confidence with the Lord since my January diagnosis of ovarian cancer. It was only stage one, one. They caught it early on. And, the grapefruit sized mass that burst as they were trying to get it out that had cancer cells? Well, I've walked on faith and confidence that God was going to extinguish those cells. In the past month I've found that I've got pre-cancerous cells in my intestines, probs with my bladder, and need another mammogram. My insurance company won't cover some of my newbie meds I'm on....they changed their formulary. And, the cost of our insurance has doubled this spring. If I'm honest most days I have times where I've got fear that runs through me.
Last week & this one have been particularly rough. I walked in faith and confidence when I told them at the Cancer Institute I couldn't pay the $150 for the mammogram but I could do it in two weeks. I cancelled last week's mammogram because I needed the money to pay for brakes on the jeep. I walked in faith and confidence when I looked at our bank account and realized that it was either the mortgage or my meds. And, neither has been done. I just can't seem to push the button on which to do.
This morning I don't feel great physically or spiritually. I'm being trampled on. And, I had this convo with God ; "You've got to see me through this. Every fiber of my being is screaming. I don't have the time, money, or know how to make it all work. I just want to feel better and walk in faith and confidence, Lord. Why is it so hard?". I was reminded of Psalm 139:14 "You are fearfully and wonderfully made".
That caused me to sit back and cry even more. Fear surrounds me and God is telling me how wonderful I am? Shoot, I've got fear of not making financial commitments. Fear of not being able to afford to take care of my health. Fear of not doing it all right. Geez, Lord, I don't want to crash and burn. I don't want to be reliant on others, I don't want to confide in others to bear my hurt, and I don't want to....and I stopped. All those are the same don't want to's from last fall that I had, the same reservations. God seems to be laying on my heart to confide in others, ask for some help, and to cease crying. He wants me to walk in faith and confidence with others.
This week I've had a person a day walk into my life that has been through cancer. How weird is that? They are strong, capable, and gave me some contacts to call. They also told me to be my best advocate rather than my worst and challenged my walk in faith and confidence. One of them told me, "I get walking with faith and confidence with the Lord. He designed you and I differently, Sherry, we've got cancer. But we are smart and can be our best advocates and that is why you are walking this walk with God. He wants you to fight, Sherry. Make some calls, demand you get your meds, demand treatment, and tell them to bill you".
Ok, true confession. I don't go around telling people I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I don't tell them about the grapefruit sized cyst that burst with cancer cells going all over my body. I don't say that my spring mammogram had small cysts that they are watching. I don't say my insurance doubled this spring and I couldn't afford to go to the cancer doc or get blood draws this summer because of it. I don't talk about it because I've relied simply on God to know. My own fam doesn't know the fear that I've got or frustration.
Yeah, I'm smart & capable of making some calls to try to push to get some help but I if I say the word cancer I've got to admit it's there. That's a hard one. I'd like to think it is gone because the ovaries and small cysts are gone. But then there was the large mass that burst with the cancer cells that float throughout my body. That is a hard one and my challenge this week. Instead of forget about it and go on I need to make some calls and get the ball rolling.Find out how I can get some help to afford my meds & mammogram. I want to be the Sherry that God designed as "fearfully & wonderfully made". Not the "train wreck" that cries each morning once her fam leaves the house. Not the "train wreck" that gives it up to God each morning and night and then goes on and does nothing to help herself.
I'm praying this week that you take on the "train wreck" in your own world. Whether that is calling the bill that hasn't been paid, making a doctor's appointment, or handling a situation with a co-worker. We've all got potential "train wrecks" in our world. I believe that we walk in faith & confidence in the Lord . Because of that he created each of us smart & capable. We are able to make calls, talk to people, and handle things in our lives that aren't perfect. It's not fun or easy but he created us capable. I want to be walking proof of that. This week I encourage all of you to get out there and do that same. Let's be walking proof that we are "fearfully & wonderfully made".
Peace be with you - Sherry
**I'm asking each of you prayer for my faith and confidence in the Lord today as I start making calls. Allow me to have composure and articulate what my needs are. Allow me to find people that can help or direct my path. And, that I feel like I'm "fearfully & wonderfully made" at the end of the day rather than a "train wreck". Know I will be praying the same over my readers. Peace be with you.
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