I love Elvis Costello's song "Peace, Love, and Understanding". The first time I heard that song I thought, "Yeah, what's so wrong with being a peace punk? What's wrong with loving everyone irregardless of who or what they seem to be? And, wouldn't the world be a whole Lotta better if we just took the higher ground with some understanding?".
I've been doing my Bread of Life cards each day and using them to write my thoughts & feeling, etc in my journal. I came across Philippians 4:19. I was instantly shuttled back to my peace punk phase growing up. I read the devotion thought on the other side of the card which said, "That love that gives, not as the world but shares all it possesses with its loved co-heirs". And, despite what has happened in my lifetime I stay steadfast to my peace punk way : love others, do the right thing, and reflect Christ in my life through my words and actions.
It sounds great, right? But even I have a breaking point with people and situations. I come into contact with people that are just "difficult". They act less than God pleasing and seem to flourish in this world. The "difficult" seem to say, act, and do as they please and God still blesses them beyond measure and they have no trepidation in their soul, heart, or mind. The phrase "they just keep on keeping on" seems very fitting for "difficult" people. And, I feel myself roll my eyes, sigh, and groan about them.
I read from Philippians 4:19 and it encourages my heart, brings peace of mind to me, and encourages me that God will "supply" for my needs and my family's needs. I've seen that over the past few weeks with the Go Fund Me account I set up to meet our medical expenses until we can restore health insurance in January. I feel it as friends check in on me, encourage me, and pray over my weary soul.
I hate to say it but I feel like I'm becoming a "difficult" person. Why? Because I'm a tired and weary soul. I need an intervention of the heavenly kind. Ever feel that way? That you are less than God intends and you need his intervention so you don't ever become a "difficult" person. Well, here's what I did to consult my Heavenly Father.
I prayed yesterday that God not only brings me peace and love to my spirit and mind but to my body. Each day I wake up achy with nausea. I've got a painful cramp on my left side that literally takes my breath away when it comes. I don't know what to do and I feel like an ungrateful bitch most days. Today, I surrendered it all to God and gave it all to him....not just my worries and fears but my physical pain that drains my joy. My Heavenly Father will "supply all my need in your riches in the glory of Christ....supply me with rest physically. Allow me to find the ability to rest. Allow me to eat a dinner with my family without getting sick afterwards. Allow me days without pain in my side. I believe and know you can supply me with not just moments or hours but with days without pain and heal me. Come supply my body, soul, and spirit with your healing. I work daily to show my gratitude through sharing my blessing with my family, friends, community, and world. Supply me so I can be like you".
This time in my life is one that I face challenges that aren't just about lack of health insurance, cancer, or family. I face a challenge that I've got to come good with the Lord about what I do on his behalf daily. Instead of talking about peace, love, and understanding I've got to show it. I have to show it when I follow up with my cancer advocate this week instead of crying and feeling restless I need to be thankful to have an advocate. Instead of leaning on my family and draining them I need to lean into the cancer counselor group that I got connected with. They said I could call anytime night or day to talk and instead of harboring resentment with my family because they don't know what I need, want, or how I feel. I need to access the counselors so I'm not a "difficult" person that even I would run from.
I know this blog is more for me....yeah, I'm selfish this week. I guess that goes with being a "difficult person". I want to share that yesterday my family worked to help me prep for this coming week. I'm double booked this coming Saturday for two craft shows and literally have nothing to sell. They worked to get wire on boards, make window tables, and let me make fabulous ugly Christmas sweaters. They let me work alone in the artroom and even then I started crying and yelled at them to stop helping me I did want their resentment. Emily came to me and made me sit down to talk with her. She told me that lady that started yelling wasn't her mom, the one that hurts, throws up, and is crabby isn't her mom. She sat and told me she and Dale love me and that is why they are trying to help me. She confided that she would rather study for her Chem test on Tuesday and Dale would rather sleep in and play video games but they are there because they love me. They understand I'm stressed and in pain but they want me to know they love me irregardless. I then broke down, cried like a baby, and hugged her.
Last night we were done with stuff around 4:30. Em and Dale got me upstairs to rest because my head was pounding. Emily went and got me some advil & a coke to help with the headache. And, then, I fell asleep for about 4 hours. I got up for about 30 minutes and fell back to sleep around 9ish. And, I slept until 7:30 this morning. Why do I write about sleeping? Remember, I prayed to God yesterday for rest...He came through. I got up and made breakfast for my family and ate a little and didn't get sick! Yeah, God came through. Now, to spend the rest of the day resting...I feel like it is time.
I'm hoping by sharing my "difficult" self to you that you see yourself in it. We all are selfish and self centered at times and have the ability to become "difficult". I would hope that you are able to see when you are turning into the "difficult" and pray for God to take that from you. He designed each of us with joy that should shine through us even when life is hard. He gave each of us understanding aka empathy and we need to use it daily on those "difficult" souls out there. He loves us with unconditional love....let's try that on our families, friends, and the "difficult" souls out there. And, what about peace? Let's pray for God's peace to wash over us, allow us rest & calm so that we can shine for Him.
Peace be with you- Sherry
Updates:
- We filled out paperwork over 3 weeks ago with the Vimpat company for Emily's meds. We are praying we hear from them soon to see if they will cover the cost of her meds or we could get it at a reduced cost. Pray the company approves this soon. God is good.
- Ted has insulin for a month from a friend. And, we were able to afford his Metaformin for a month. We are waiting to hear from drug companies to see if he gets approved for his insulin and the other meds he needs for diabetes. God is good.
- I'm hoping to raise enough in funds from "Go Fund Me" weekly to meet Emily's needs for Vimapat and start to work on my meds. This week we were able to afford another week for Emily and one of my meds....God is good.
- We meet this coming week to determine what type of health insurance to get. It is open enrollment time we are asking you to pray that God guides our path so we get insurance that will supply for our family's needs.
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