Remember the story of Samuel that kept getting woke up in the middle of the night? He kept checking with Eli because he heard his name being called. With Eli's help Samuel realized that it was God calling him and to learn to listen.
This year I have learned to silence the world, my own self, and just listen. Earlier this year through radiation and chemo I found myself discouraged. I wasn't able to do the things that came normally because I was just physically unable. I found myself confiding in my Heavenly Father, asking him to wake up and feel well enough to take my son to school, do a load of laundry, or even dare to go to my artroom. And, I heard nothing.
Physically it became harder and harder. I became discouraged because my confidant, my Heavenly Father, wasn't moving my mountain. Instead he was quiet, silent, and resolved. It wasn't that I didn't feel at peace and know He was in control I did. One of my joys daily is to see the smalls that God places in my life and I was blocked by a cocktail of chemo and radiation. My days were filled with waking up, getting sick, resting, sleeping some more, and getting sick. There is no joy in that. To have your daughter take the car keys and say, "let's just get you in the car. I'll drive" discouraged me rather than encourage me that God gifted me with a dynamic kid that was by my side 100%. Where was the freedom, joy, and longing to glow for God in it all?
I found myself being a crabby kid that was mad at her Heavenly Father for not swooping in to save the day. I gave thanks for the smalls; my daughter, my son, my hubby, transportation to get to the clinic, ice water, oatmeal baths and my quirky sense of humor that helped me laugh when it would have been easier to cry. But still I felt a distance from my Heavenly Father like I had never known. Then something changed. I went to journal at the Kemper Museum before a chemo. I was tired, worn, and had cried to have to go to the clinic again. My world where I see the light was turning into a darkness that I was creating because of my heart, mind, and spirit had blinders.
That morning I poured my discouragement out onto the page. It was filled with ramblings, complaints of not being able to do what comes normally & longing for freedom. At the heart of the darkness was my longing to hear from God, be overwhelmed by His peace, and shine for Him to others. The need to say if I can do this you can do it because God is present...but it seemed like he wasn't.
The page became flooded with anger at God over being silent. I get that there are other more pressing things in the world but wasn't I the daughter that you loved & created? Shouldn't I at the very least get something for that? The next flow in my journal "Stay Silent" & then I started to define it with Gods help. "Stay Silent" meant when I am silent you are silent. When I am silent you rest. When I am silent you take care of yourself and do the chemo, radiation, and whatever else. And, then you are silent and rest. It occurred to me that God couldn't use me as his light in the ways that I know because I was just too physically, emotionally, and mentally taxed. He was gifting me with time to rest, sleep, and do what I needed to do in order to become whole again. He didn't leave me he simply said, "stay silent". " The things I have planned for you are great. I'll use you but you need to be healthy, rested, and have a solace in knowing I am God".
So, this summer when I started radiation again in the heat & chemo I found peace in my heart. When my mouth was filled with blisters and my throat swelled so I couldn't talk I wrote in my journal and praised God for "staying silent". I had two of my worst days this summer but felt an inner hope in both that God would see me through. I learned about having resolve. All the things that I say to others had to come to fruition for me. God challenged me in ways I can't comprehend this year. Some things there are no words for only tears of pain, hurt, and grace.
My challenge to you this week is when you feel God is silent to take time to evaluate. Time to assess your situation, lay it all out and relentlessly gift it to God, and then stay silent. Silence brings time for you to rest and endure what the world is throwing your way. Grace will see you through the silence because it is building you up for something far greater than you can imagine.
Peace be with you- Sherry
Updates:
- I went to the oncologist this week. I found out that the nodules that are in my stomach have been reduced in size through the radiation & chemo. We discussed what comes next, talked openly about finances, and what I can afford. My insurance will cover only the meds that I was given last year which did not work so they are out. They have two options: 1. a weekly shot & oral med that would cost $280 a week or two oral meds that will cost $220 weekly. I shared that I thought of looking into homeopathic plan and for once my doc said that it was an option. I also need to have a mammogram and sonogram because of a lump in my left breast. Insurance will not cover it until December. I wrote a formal appeal with the insurance company with a social worker at the hospital yesterday about the tests and the meds. My doc & his office are also going to make appeals to the insurance company to see if they can get the tests done sooner and see if they would cover either of the med plans. I'm hopeful within the next two weeks I'll have answers.
- Open Artroom has happened twice this month. It is a freebie to my community to come to my creative space to create, gab, and hang out. You can have free space, materials, and use my tools. I have a tip jar out that you can donate to help keep Open Artroom happening. Open Artroom is Sunday afternoons from 3-6. Please share & stop by.
- I worked creatively each day this week....God is good! I'm working a series of work inspired from the words peace, love, and understanding.
- We are working on saving for a down payment on a car for me. A gal pal graciously offered to sell her car to me and it will bless my world. Thankful for her gracious offer & the hope of having reliable transportation to get me to KC.
- A friend is going to take on trying to fix Betsy Bravada with Dale as a project. It is our hope that the work will go swiftly and easily as they work to replace the ball joints and then the radiator. Feel free to pray for them as well. Betsy would then be gifted to Dale for his first car.
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