And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
Remember that part of the Lord's prayer that says "thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven"? That reference has freaked me out since I was a kid. As a kid I believed that we were praying for an end of the earth. As, I got older, I learned more about the prayer, the symbolism of the words but still came to the same conclusion that we were praying literally for Revelations to happen before our very eyes. I thought how sick and morbid is that? That we as believers are chanting for Revelations and the end of times?
Didn't the adults read the bible and know what long term suffering they are praying for. And, I'll admit as a teenager and college kid I often omitted speaking those words because of a silent fear that I had from them. What if God did come? What if I wasn't worthy enough? What if I had to relive all the "transgressions" I'd made to God, my family, and friends. Can you say "no thank you" and just move on?
It appeared to me that it was far better to live in the earthly worldly realm than to ever live in "heaven". To bring heaven on earth would mean not knowing where you were going to live, whose ultimately with you and who perishes. And, what if I was one that perishes? Geez, Lord, I don't want that. With the birth of my kids I felt compelled to teach them of a love of the Lord that they would trust him far greater than myself or their earthly dad. That they would grow in that trust and be compassionate, smart, and capable kids that would turn into smart, compassionate, and capable adults. I would pray over each of them that would be a reflection of our Heavenly Father on earth knowing full well in my heart that I wasn't that. I had done too much, made deal changing decisions that would vest me in the earthly rather than the heavenly. But my kids, yeah, God loved them more than their sinful mom and they would be among that are saved.
As, I type that, I realize how much value I placed on my own definitions and how little on God's mercy and forgiveness. I'd quarrel to my final breath that God had forgiveness for each and every sinister soul in the world. But, when it came to me, well, the phrase, "ain't got time for that" is exactly what I knew in my soul God would say. I had made my decisions even though I knew they would be a life without heaven. So, yeah, me praying "they kingdom on earth as it is in heaven" forget that. I didn't want to leave the earth because I knew within every fiber of my soul that I wasn't going to Heaven.
It took me turning 40 something, being dealt a possible cancer diagnosis, and having my daughter ready to start college that I had an epiphany. A deal changer. I hadn't been going to church because I felt I was a "fraud" and mocking God. How could all this be happening? Quite simply God was going to "make thy kingdom on earth as it is in heaven" and I was going to face his wrath. All the people that I knew and loved would see my fall, know my shame, and know what a fraud I was. It was truly unbearable. I was living not in the world but in darkness.
I was challenged to say the least. My son asked me to go to church with him and I had refused playing it off to him that I wasn't feeling well. Truth be known I wasn't feeling well physically but soufully I was feeling worse. This particular Sunday he kept prodding me and so after a few months of not going I went to appease my kid. I went and was challenged with a sermon on God's mercy and forgiveness. Normally, I would have written it off and it would have fallen on deaf ears. I'd only spent half of my life knowing that God had wrote me off, cast me away, and now I was feeling his wrath physically, mentally, and soulfully here on earth.
Instead, my ears perked up to a revelation. God's grace and forgiveness is enough all you have to do is believe that is so. It was a light bulb moment what if that is true? What if God's forgiveness includes me? What if he didn't cast me off? Could I dare to trust him that it would be so? And, I thought, yeah, why not and it was a deal changer. I rested soundly knowing I was forgiven and believed that God would heal me and I could go on.
I soundly took my daughter took my daughter to college that fall. I soundly went back to my doctor and told them I was ready for surgery. I soundly went to sleep at night knowing I was forgiven. I had my surgery and learned the mass that was size of a grapefruit on my left ovary burst. My daughter had a seizure in in algebra class in college. She was unresponsive, stopped breathing for 15 minutes, and had to be taken to a hospital in an ambulance. My husband had a job that was demanding and couldn't take off work for to go to get our daughter and I didn't have a car that could get me there. We got our daughter home and were told by a specialist that she had epilepsy and we refused his diagnosis. My husband couldn't take off work when I went back to the doctor to learn the results of my biopsies where I learned I had ovarian cancer and quite possibly those cancer cells would or could spread because of the mass bursting. Three months of that diagnosis I had cancerous cysts that were removed from my intestines and I was put on chemo meds. A month later those meds were no longer covered by my insurance and within two months our health insurance for our family was discontinued.
I had a come to Jesus talk with Jesus. You want me to believe that I'm forgiven? That you love me? That you love my daughter and son more than me but all this is happening? If you are a God of love and forgiveness what is wrong with you? And, I heard, "how much goodness graciousness do you need?". I looked around my home and thought you have a place to call home. You have an artroom to be creative, you have kids that love you, a hubby that works his tail feathers off. You have been a teacher, you write curriculum, you write a blog, and you've worked creatively. Yeah, that being said, that's a whole lotta goodness graciousness that was God given and approved in my life.
I gained insight of the love and began to praise the Lord for all that I have and with all of my heart. I was blessed with health insurance for my son and myself. I was blessed when I had a second surgery to remove even larger cancerous cysts from my intestines. I was blessed through chemo and radiation, for friends that helped us pay for car repairs, and cried with me when I didn't have a car to get me to chemo, and gifted me a car. God blessed me with my daughter who returned home from college because we couldn't pay for it and my medical treatments. God blessed my daughter with Voc Rehab scholarship for people with disabilities so she could go to a community college near home. God blessed her with seizures and the capability of us being able to take care of her when it happens because she lives with us. We are blessed that she was approved for meds to take to try to stop the seizures. I was blessed when they told me I had cancer nodules in my stomach and cysts in my intestines again because I could do chemo and radiation to try to stop them from spreading further or growing more.
Why, do I say blessed? Because over the course of almost three years I learned what his goodness and graciousness means. It sets me apart from the world and darkness. It refuses to let me encompass myself in darkness or believe that God calls me anything but beloved. It means that when my daughter got a diagnosis of epilepsy after these three years that I accept it. It makes me fight harder to get her health insurance through the state for that disability. It allows me to say my daughter has a disability that could kill her but I know she is always free in the Lord. It gives me hope when I was told that I was approved for a new round of chemo to potentially kill all the cancer from my body and it would only be $7,000 total rather than $150,000 for the meds alone. It makes me fight that much more for my family and friends that believe that hope is gone and lost. Who say that "Satan wins" because, dear friends, that is what darkness and the world says....we as believers do NOT and will NOT allow those words to be issued to us, for us, or about us. When Satan comes and the world starts to darkening around you. When it feels like all you see is a speck of light....that is our Heavenly Father who roars for you like a lion. He roars in resounding hope that none of us have to live in our own created hell on earth.
Instead, he challenges us through adversities to be who he designed. That we might meet our challenges with trust and hope in Him. Recently, my husband confided in me that the darkness is overwhelming him and that he sees no hope. He sees his wife is sick with the possibility of dying from cancer and she is his light and hope. I had to reaffirm it is not my light or my hope it is our Heavenly Father whose light resides in each of us. We have to access that light because its truth. And, sometimes it is only a flicker but it is there....it is the true eternal flame.
My word today is that I openly pray daily for "thy kingdom come on earth as in heaven" not as a chant for destruction of the earth because those things have started with Christs accession into heaven long ago. What I believe by raising my hands to the Lord each morning and saying "Let there be light, Lord. Let your kingdom come on earth as in heaven" is personally inviting his light to shine like a beacon to my mind, my heart, and my soul daily. It allows me to hope the best in all things, to see the best in all things, and to be his daughter. It challenges me to drop all the petty, mean, and time wasters and fill my days to renew, replenish, and to radiate his love in my lifetime. Are you with me....let there be light, Lord, allow your kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven.
Peace be with you- Sherry
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