Matthew 10:28-31 "And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are numbered. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value that the sparrows".
We bought a Ring for our front door. The past couple of weeks the Ring has been ringing but there is no one on the camera or at the front door. I can however here the wind blowing and birds chirping. Most people might find it annoying. I don't it reminds me that I am far more important to God than the birds.
When I hear the birds chirp it reminds me that I am not bigger than my creator and that he is protective of me. He is protective over Emily. This week marks a milestone for Emily she has been seizure free 103 days as of today. I began to cry today because I can not remember a time where my daughter has been 103 days seizure free. There is something daunting about that. I have been taking a step back each day to try to comprehend that when God says "it is done" he means it.
I feel scared to write about Emily being seizure free because what if she isn't? What if I was wrong as I stood praying and rallying our Heavenly Daddy to heal my daughter? What if I look like a fool with my words. What if my words and actions let our Heavenly Daddy down? Here's a brief history and maybe it is why I hesitate.
To catch you up it took 5.5 years to find a neuro team that would take Emily's case. Within those 5.5 years we had seen four neurologists. Each passing the case to another because they did not know how to help Emily. The local KC neurologist told me that he was good but it was going to take a team to look through her case and to help her. He sent her case to both KU and MU. Within a week we heard that KU said no. Our prayers were on MU to take her case. It took 1.5 months before we got a call from MU and they wanted to schedule a new patient appointment.
Last year the MU team told us that Emily was a candidate for surgery to save her life. The neurosurgeon shared that Emily's seizures are so severe that people that have them usually die within the first year. He shared that if they live their memory is affected but yet Emily could remember organic chemistry calculations and do them correctly. Dr. Sadek asked me if I had faith? I said "yes, sure". Then he asked me again "Do you have faith?" because I guess he wasn't satisfied with the first response. I said boldly "YES". He told me to look at Emily because I am seeing a "miracle". He told me he could not wait to work on a miracle and she what she will do in her life.
After the first brain surgery in late October I came to the hospital everyday. I told Emily she was a miracle at birth. I told her each day before I left that she was living breathing hope to me. I made her repeat after me "I AM A MIRACLE" each day before I left her room. There was something that settled my heart, mind, and spirit that my kid would know she was a miracle while I wasn't with her. I would pray as I left her room and going down the corridor of the hospital. I would walk in mercy aka my right foot and peace aka my left foot. I went through the hospital muttering in pray for mercy and peace to prevail among the patients, families, and staff at MU.
The first week I frequently felt compelled to go and ask people if I could pray for them. I had no idea why but I did it. No one ever said no. I have come to see it as the Holy Spirit guiding me to others that were as overwhelmed as I. I praised our Heavenly Daddy for each precious person that I was bold enough to pray with because it was changing me. It was building me stronger than I knew I could feel it with each prayer.
Then came the day that I went to the hospital and there was a big dry erase board on a easel. It said that "Beginning 11/13 No Hospital Visitors for the Safety of our Patients and Staff". I began to weep and frantically texted my handful of friends with a picture of the sign and the message "pray". As I got to near the check in desk I saw the gal that I had gotten to know. Even though I knew what the sign meant I asked her with tears "What does that mean?". She looked at me and began to cry too. She said "Sherry, I am so so sorry. You can't catch a break. I am so sorry but ...". The rest was about Covid rising at the hospital and the number of cases doubling in one day. I heard her that the Covid cases were rising. I took a deep breath with my mask on. I saw the long line of visitors behind me. I said "Can I pray with you quickly because I need to spend time with Emily today but I need you to know you are covered in mercy and peace of our Heavenly Daddy that no disease nor virus will effect you or your family. God has you and I will be praying over you today as you deal with people that mercy and grace prevail". In tears together she asked if she could hug me.
After the hug I felt better. I felt like God was protecting me and Emily from Covid. My friends had started to text back and I felt supported. I felt like this was going to be tough but God created me tough. I did what any other mom would have done. I went to the gift shop and bought all the Sprite and Milk Duds they had and took them to Emily.
The last day I got to be with Emily I could feel that God needed to separate us. I couldn't understand why. It broke my heart that at this moment he would choose to exclude me. Before I left one of the neurologists from the team popped in before I had to leave to talk to me. He shared that Emily is a miracle which is why she was there. He told me that the team was hopeful that they could help her and that I needed to be hopeful too. He told me "we must never lose hope" and shared the team remained hopeful.
Emily's nurses came in to tell me they were sorry about the situation. They told me that they were only told 10 minutes before visiting hours. I told them that I felt like God was protecting both Emily and I from Covid. I shared that I didn't like it but I accepted it. I told them that I had been praying over them and the Neuro team. I asked if I could pray for them. Several of the nurses came in and I prayed over them and the rest of the team that no disease nor virus would affect them, their family, or pernitrate their cars or homes. That our Heavenly Daddy would bubble wrap each of them and keep them safe. I praised God that He had given Emily these nurses to be His hands and feet.
Before I left I hugged my daughter taking a deep breath in that it would not be the last time I hugged her. I asked her "what are you? and she said loudly "I AM A MIRACLE". I prayed over Emily as her door closed and wept in the hallway. I praised our Heavenly Daddy for her and told him to take her back because his love was better than mine. His protection and care more vast than anything I could do. I praised him and then walked down the hallway in mercy and peace. I left the hospital that afternoon feeling excluded. Excluded from my daughter in an unbearable way that I have never experienced. As I sat in my car I sobbed harder than I think I have my whole life.
Excluded from the hospital and Emily. It hit me sitting there in the car to pray it out. As I prayed I felt better and bolder. So bold that I prayed via social media before I left . I prayed over Emily, the neuro ICU team, and then over the floors of the hospital, staff, patients, and other families like me that were now excluded.
I took a deep breath and I felt like our Heavenly Daddy was reminding me that Emily has been excluded by life. Excluded from college because the seizures were coming twice a week or more. Excluded from her own memory so much that she struggled the final semester she was in college. Excluded as friends have graduated from college, got married, and have kids. Excluded of the life she once dreamed of. I have never felt that type of exclusion like Emily. It hit me that our Heavenly Daddy had me just where he wanted me excluded to him and only him. It hit me that I could not lay down defeated. I was excluded from the hospital but with resolve I decided I would not leave Columbia without my daughter. It hit me that the blows I experienced this one day were nothing in comparison to what Emily had been facing for 6.5 years.
As I wiped my tears and closed my prayers in the parking garage I felt like God told me to go buy a book. I was like really now? I am in a city that I do not know and I have just been excluded from my daughter. The request came again to go buy a book. I told him yes and asked him to guide me. He took me to a thrift shop and when I asked him what book he just told me "any book you choose". I went in and found a book, bought it, and as I went to get into my car there was a lady behind me. She asked "do you have anything you could give me?". I started to weep because if I were home I'd have water bottles, granola bars, and spare cash for people. But I wasn't home I was excluded from what I know and what I know to do. That broke my heart.
My back was still turned to her when she asked again "Do you have anything?". I turned to look and her and through my tears I told her "I have nothing. My daughter had brain surgery and is waiting to have her second brain surgery. Today the hospital locked me out because of Covid. I have nothing to give" and then I wailed and cried harder. She came up to me and said "Child you are more broke than me" and began to pray over Emily and me. She said "God's got your girl but its you he needs" and she began to pray over me. I listened as she was praying and muttering to herself. After a while she said "God has got Emily and he has you now too. Your girl is gonna be just fine and so are you". And, then she walked away. I stood and cried. All of sudden it hit that I never told her Emily's name but she knew it. Then I thought you fool go find her and offer her a ride. I went the same direction that she was walking but couldn't find her.
My problem at MU was that I got excluded from being a mom. I was excluded from being our Heavenly Daddy's hands and feet to Emily. Excluded from the some sort of life I was living while in Columbia. For you it might be being excluded from the life you want. Or being excluded from bearing God's light brilliantly because you aren't sure how or when. Perhaps the noise from the world is so loud and you feel so very small. Maybe you feel excluded because you believe you are unworthy or deserve nothing but the very least.
As I look back I see that our Heavenly Daddy did not want me to feel excluded but to be "exclusive" with him. That is why he sent me to go buy a book in city that I didn't know and a place I had never been. He placed a complete stranger that knew him and would speak promise into me there. He knew that I would listen, that I love books, and love a good thrift shop find. He knew his precious daughter was hurting, felt broke, and felt excluded. He used a lady at a thrift shop to remind me that when I am broken I am not forgotten or alone.
My go to verse is ; Matthew 10:28-31 "And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are numbered. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value that the sparrows". This verse has served me well to remember that I am ; chosen, worthy, filled with grace, and valuable. It has helped me break free to have faith in hard things. It is why I laugh when I see a bird pooped on my windshield ; I always think of this verse and thank God that I have indoor plumbing and that he loved me far more than the bird that did its business on my windshield. I hope the verse will encourage you too.
I want to encourage you that our Heavenly Daddy is ; steadfast, loving, and exclusive. I feel he wants me to share that you are not alone you are seen. You have been created beautifully and splendidly with promise and perspective, friends. At your birth you were a miracle of life! As you read this you are a miracle! You have the opportunity to be exclusive with your creator! YOU ARE A MIRACLE.
Walk in mercy & peace.
-Sherry
PS ; we are heading back to MU this week for vision testing for Emily. We would love prayers for safe travels there, while we are there, and back home later this week.
Emily is having issues with her equilibrium. It began last week more and more each day. She is stumbling when she walks and tripping. At times her steps are awkward. We have called MU and they told us it is all part of the recovery process. I know she would love prayers that her equilibrium come to full fruition and that she would walk with grace and dignity.
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