Yes, this is the fifth blog in the series! Why is that so exciting? Well, I have done things creatively since I was a kid is 5's; 6 is too many and 4 too few but 5 is just right. As a grownup I learned that 5 is the symbol for God's grace. I like to think that God's grace has been flowing through me since I was a kid and now that I turned 51 it is getting a chance to flourish.
When I write blogs I do them in a "series" and this is the last of the series of the Lioness Among Tigers. I've been exploring my journey as Emily's mom over the past 7 years as my daughter has struggled with uncontrolled violent seizures. The onset of the seizures came when she was 19 and in college. There has been no reason for them to have began they just did. Last year Emily had to brain surgeries; one to place a grid directly on her brain. The second took off the grid and took part of her brain.
I wanted to document her journey. After praying about it I felt like Emily is the one that will do that. What God needed is me to come out from the darkness into the light as a mom. That perhaps I would strengthen other mamas and papas through my words. That being said let's get started.
During my journey with cancer I felt like our Heavenly Daddy declared this over me "You are mine. Now listen to what they tell you to do and rest. You have no idea how I can use you now that you know you are mine". It felt good to have a Daddy again in all honesty. My earthly dad had passed away in my 20's and so knowing God called me his was welcoming.
Within two weeks of that declaration I felt like I was breaking apart; physically, mentally, and my soul was becoming lost in radiation and chemo. It was then that I remembered this pondering "we don't retreat we roar" that I had years earlier. I was broken to say the least and went to pray over why when I felt so broke I kept hearing "we don't retreat we roar". In my crazy chemo mind I saw the MGM lion from the movies who always roars. It hit me that when we are lost and broken it really irks our Heavenly Daddy and he like the MGM lion roars over us to break the darkness and bring us into the light.
I actually have cried over the past 7 years over my daughter and screamed at God to "ROAR" over her and heal her. I have prayed over Emily with every seizure; Bring her into a dreamlike state with you Daddy that she feels no pain and gift her beauty. The seizures are so violent and grotesque that all I can do is pray beauty over her. Each seizure is over an hour. 5 to 10 minutes in I find myself screaming "ROAR" in my head and spirit over her because there is nothing we can do but I know the one that can, God.
Emily and I were driving to Columbia to go to MU to meet her neurosurgeon last fall. She had her earbuds in. I was praying over Emily as I drove. As we got near Columbia I felt a change in the car. It was the temperature and there wasn't anything wrong with the car. It was a change in the atmosphere. I glanced over at Emily and saw her with her earbuds and in a blink of an eye saw the face of a lion. I looked back at the road shaking my head.
I hadn't slept well the night before and thought I might be delusional and laughed. I looked back at Emily and what I saw freaked me out; the body was Emily's but in place of her head was a beautiful lion with long eyelashes and a delighted smile. Again, I looked back at the road and took a deep breath. I actually said "you are not losing it because God's got you and he has Emily too". I looked back at Emily and this time the lion smiled and winked and there was my beautiful Emily's face.
It struck me that it wasn't random and it was divinely our Heavenly Daddy gifting me reassurance that he was with her. That Daddy was roaring over Emily and protecting her brain. When we went as a family to MU for Emily's first brain surgery I felt the lion was there when she went back and we sat in the waiting room.
The lion was there in the waiting room as security came and told my husband and son that they had to leave. The lion was there when the security guard began yelling at me and telling me. The lion was there when all I could do was sob as security took my husband and son out of the waiting room and kicked them out of the hospital. The lion was there when security came back and told me I needed to stop crying and making a scene or I would have to leave. And, the lion was there when security asked me if they could help me. I told them I needed kleenex and they told me I would have to get them myself.
The lion was roaring at the first surgery. About 30 minutes after the incident a nurse came out calling for Emily's mom. She asked if I would like to go back and be with Emily; absolutely I did. As we walked back she told me that because of Covid they didn't let anyone back but there was an emergency that came in and the team was needed there. She assured me that Emily would have surgery that day but it would be later than we thought. I spent almost two extra hours with Emily before the team began coming through to get her ready. I overheard the front desk clerk that had called security call me an "uppity bitch" and brag about how she got my husband and son kicked out. She told the nurses and techs that I was carrying on so much and crying that she had me kicked out too.
As much as I wanted to confront her I knew that the "lion" was there and had roared so that I could be with Emily and that neither of us would be alone. I praised God that I was with Emily and not in the waiting room and hugged my daughter. I was there when the team made it back and began the pre-op procedures. I was there to hug my daughter and walk by her cart as they wheeled her back to the operating room. A nurse helped me find my way back to the waiting room. The only seat left was near the front desk clerk that had been bragging about our family and who called me "an uppity bitch". Instead of confronting her or leaving I sat down and looked at her. I began to pray over her because I didn't know what her circumstances were; who she was or what was going on in her life. I felt a wave of compassion over her which was from the "lion" that the waiting room was possibly the only place where she felt in control. I prayed over her for the next couple of hours that she would feel God's mercy and peace. That she would walk in God's mercy and peace as she worked and when she went home. I prayed that her broken spirit on that day would be mended.
While I prayed over this woman my husband made calls to the hospital. He had arranged for me to go talk with someone. She told me that our family was not authorized to be at the hospital and they made an exception for me. That I was the only one that could be there and that my husband and son would not be allowed back. I shared with her that we got permission from the neuro team. I found out that you also had to have permission from the patient expertise office. I told her that I was taking some new chemo meds that were hard on me. I asked if it would be possible for my husband to go to the waiting room and stay so that I could go back and rest. She told me no that there were no exceptions. I took a deep breath and began to cry silently. She told me that the patient expertise office had reviewed Emily's file and that her surgery was elective. I shared with her that Emily suffers from uncontrolled violent seizures that last over an hour several times a month for the past 7 years. I told her that this surgery was to save Emily's life. She told me again that the team had reviewed Emily's file and considered it elective surgery. Then she told me to wait there and she would be right back.
I prayed over her that she would walk in mercy and peace. I saw it for what it was. She was young and probably just out of college. The "team" had sent a kid in to do their dirty work. I prayed for her and asked the "lion" to roar. She came back and it was agreed my husband could sit in the waiting room. She told me once Emily was out of surgery it would have to be me there to see her and if it were my husband there then he would be the only one allowed in the hospital to see Emily. My husband came in and we agreed to the hospital's terms. The lion roared so that I could go rest.
I woke up and it was dark out. I tried calling my husband thinking something had went wrong. I went and threw up and then laid back down. My son came in my room and woke me up saying "Dad is freaking out. Talk to him". Emily was out of surgery. The neuro team came to talk to my husband and took him to see Emily. He had walked up to the neuro ICU with Emily. They told him that would be back once they got her in her room and to wait in their waiting room. That is when it hit him that I should have been the one that was there. We both were freaking out. We prayed together that I could talk my way in or that he could simply just leave and I go in. I called my a couple of friends and begged them to pray and left for the hospital.
I got to the hospital and called my husband. He came out and I went in. He sat and prayed for mercy. I went in and asked for mercy. I told the night clerk that the day had been a mess and I was sorry for any confusion. I told her that my daughter had brain surgery and was in the neuro ICU. She asked my name and said I heard what happened. She called the neuro ICU and they told her to tell me come see my daughter. I began to cry tears of release as I walked to the elevator. The "lion" had made a way.
When I got to Emily's room I was met with her nurse at the door. She told me that the team had heard what had happened. She told me she knew my husband had been there and asked where he was. I told her I was so sorry thinking security was going to be called again. That is when she looked at me and took me to go see Emily. The room was filled with techs and neuro ICU team and precious Emily. I talked with her and went to hug her but couldn't because of all the wires. I kissed her cheek and it hurt her. I stepped back and told her that I was here and that she was a miracle. Emily reached out to hold my hand. Her nurse came over and asked me again "where is her dad?". I told her I was sorry about earlier today and she stopped me. She told me the team had heard what had happened. She told me that they couldn't do anything about that but they could do something now. She told me since my husband had been there the team wondered where he was and would he like to come see his daughter. I told her he was in the parking garage and we didn't want to cause anymore problems. She shared that we were not the problem. That the team would make an exception to the rules for tonight so he could see his daughter too. I called him and he refused to come in because he didn't want to jeopardize my ability to be Emily's one visitor. Finally, the nurse got on the phone and told him to get out of the car and come see his daughter which he did. The "lion" once again roared and made a way.
The next day I went to visit Emily and felt like she was surrounded by beautiful light. It wasn't the sunshine or the lights in her room because her curtains were closed and lights off because her head hurt. It was a celestial light from Heaven I believe because I have never seen such vibrancy of colors. I prayed with Emily before I left and told her she was a miracle. I looked back at her before I closed the door and saw her body laying in the bed but in place of her head there was the lion's head. The same lion from the car ride with the beautiful long lashes surrounding my daughter in brilliant light. I praised God in the doorway for his mercy over me and over Emily. I looked back again and the lion was now wrapped around Emily in her bed. It gave me an overwhelming peace that the lion would be there to guard her and roar over her.
The second day as I came in Emily's room I saw the lion still curled up with her as she slept. Watching over her and who was coming and going from her room. I sat in silence praying over her as she slept. Holding her hand while she was awake and speaking life into her and myself. When I looked back the lion was gone. When I went to leave I told Emily she was a miracle. I told her that I had seen this beautiful lion curled up with her when I came in. I told her the lion had the most gorgeous eyelashes. And, I shared that there was a beautiful light shimmering and shining all around her. I prayed for Jesus to be there to hold her hand and that the lion would stand watch over her before I left.
Each day that I was able to visit Emily in her room I felt the lion was there by her side. When the hospital closed because of Covid I had to learn to trust that the lion was with her curled up and winking in delight over the miracle known as Emily. I learned to trust in those days far greater than I have. I began to walk in mercy and peace like it wasn't just an after thought but that it was the only way to walk.
Friends, I do not tell you to walk in mercy and peace when all is falling apart to be saying something. I am telling you to walk in mercy and peace because it is the only way to navigate life without bitterness, pain, and hurt. I had the joy of getting to know the patient expertise gal and praying with her. I got to bump into the security guard that had been so cruel while he was haggling an older woman in a wheelchair. I began praying mercy and peace over the situation as I walked closer. I sat in a chair near them hoping to ask him if I could pray for him. Instead he saw me and yelled at me. He told me that he remembered me and that I needed to leave or he would escort me out. I looked at him and told him I would walk in mercy and peace to my car. He responded in words I won't write. The beauty was that I meant I would walk in mercy and peace and did.
The first morning after Emily's surgery my son and husband left and went home. I was there at my home away from home alone. It hit me that I wasn't because the lion roars over me. I began to praise God for the day before and how so many of the hurts became miracles in themselves. As I praised God I had a pondering strike my heart. Do lions and tigers get along? That was a Google search. I found out that in the wild they do not get along. That they would fight one another to the death in the wild. I found out though that lions and tigers do get along in zoos if their habitats are near one another. I even found an article about lion and tiger cubs that were raised together in a zoo and still get along as adults in the same habitat.
Here's the thing that God was after with do lions and tigers get along; Emily had surgery at the University of Missouri or MU. Mu's mascot is a tiger. I know God is the lion and because we are his kids and that makes us lions too. Emily and I were lioness' among tigers. Remember the part where lions and tigers get along at zoos not all the time but if the conditions are right they do. MU is sometimes referred to as Mizzou or the zoo. The day that Emily had surgery we just had not found the right tigers at the zoo to interact with. Once Emily was in the neuro ICU we found our tigers. They were the ones that took care of Emily, helped her navigate for 2 months, and had both the expertise and wisdom to navigate her case and help her. The lion, our Heavenly Daddy, had opened a zoo of sorts where his lions could roam with tigers together united in mercy and peace.
Mercy and peace is powerful. Mercy allows God to happen rather than our words and actions during confrontations. Peace lets that mercy flow like nobody's business....that would be in a way that the world does not comprehend. It is as wild as seeing a lion with beautiful long eyelashes wink at you. It is as warm as light from heavenly realms. I hope you experience both.
Walk in Mercy and Peace - Sherry
Updates;
*We head back to MU on March 26th for a 3 day EEG. The tech team made an exception to their rules and are hooking Emily up on a Friday and allowing her to go home with all the wires and pack aka fancy purse. It was vital that she have the EEG to verify that she is not having seizures occur in other parts of her brain. We would appreciate prayers for safe travels, for the wires to stay on because we are going to go home rather than stay, and for safe travels on Monday when we go back to have the wires taken off.
*My son, Dale, has his 21st birthday this Sunday. He got sick a couple of weeks ago and is still working on getting his labs and coursework caught up. I would love for you to pray over him as he tries to complete assignments so that he can come home for Easter rather than stay in Maryville to finish his work. And, if you know Dale, shoot him a Happy Birthday text...let me know if you need his number.
No comments:
Post a Comment