Inexplicit

Psalm 40; 1-3 : I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He pulled me out the horrible pit, out of the mud and clay. He set my feet on a rock and made my steps secure. He placed a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see this praise to our God. Many will see this and worship. They will trust the Lord". 

Inexplicit; inherent in nature of something but not directly expressed ; an inexplicit response is the SAFEST

Inexplicit is how I felt as my daughter had uncontrolled violent seizures for the past 7 years. Inexplicit is what kept me going as we ventured to MU for Emily's brain surgeries. The inexplicitly that everything is good and will be well that comes from the Holy Spirit as you seek to anchor yourself as the tide is rising and the waves are crashing in at all sides. 

That is my artsy side explaining what happened to me as a mom as my daughter battled for her life the past 7 years. The reality is that I could have easily lost faith and complained daily. The beauty is that I took each day as a gift to be Emily's mom. 

A gift from our Heavenly Daddy that I was blessed with Emily. I took it in stride until we talked about brain surgery. As I realized that brain surgery was the only hope for Emily to have some sort of normalcy. Then knowing it was brain surgery that would save her life. Brain surgery not just once but twice. Having to rely not on being a mom but being a daughter of the King of Kings. 

A week after Emily's first surgery the hospital closed for all visitors. I wrote about it in the previous blog. The fourth blog is what happened after; 

The night after I was excluded from the hospital I went back to my home away from home and took a hot shower and cried. I prayed and asked God how could he do this to me? I begged for clarity. I begged for him to have mercy on Emily in the hospital. I told him Emily was his miracle. In tears I begged for him to give her a miracle. 

I continued praying into night.  I told him I was a miracle too and began to believe it.  I thanked him for the gift of my daughter.  I praised Him for being at MU. I thanked him for keeping her safe from Covid because there were no more visitors on her floor. I praised him for keeping me safe from Covid because I was no longer able to go to the hospital. I praised him because I had promise and perspective . I praised Him for the promise Emily holds as his daughter.  I praised him with worship music and sang not because I wanted to but because I had to. That night friends rallied with me in prayer via the internet. It made me realize that neither Emily or I were alone.  We were together with others believing our Heavenly Daddy is a miracle worker. 

The next morning I felt like our Heavenly Daddy told me to go for a walk. I got on my sweats, cute sneakers, and pulled my hair back. As I walked he reminded me that he told me that I would have to "run". He reminded me that I said yes to running with the provision of cute sneakers. He reminded me that running wasn't merely the act of running but it was going to difficult places and spaces that he would send me. He reminded me that through him I am never excluded but included.

 I walked each square of the very long driveway of the Mennonite Guest House declaring mercy and peace would not only live but thrive in this space and within me. I prayed a royal order of protection over my home away from home, the beautiful couple acting as caretakers and all who would enter. It was during my third lap that I felt a spark. A spark that said go write Emily a note and drop it off for her. I love to write I can do that! 

As I drove to the hospital I began talking to God and the tears rolled. I told him that I didn't know what to do. Everything was taken from me and I didn't know how to survive the latest blow of not being with Emily. I surrendered anything that I know to do and asked Daddy what should I do? 

In the silence of the drive I began to hear my friend singing "Waymaker". It wasn't on the radio or my phone. It was in my head. I remember thinking what is this all about Daddy? I can't go to South Dakota, where my friend lives, I need to be here in Columbia. I pulled over and listened closer. The lyrics :" waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God that is who you are" kept repeating. It was literally like listening to a broken record. I sensed what God was after. He simply wanted me to praise him, to have faith, and see promise. 

It began simply with those lyrics in a very small voice that was almost bitter for being excluded. My voice got a little louder and I wiped my tears. I got back on the road and by the time I turned the corner for the hospital my voice was bigger and bolder and the bitterness had left. As I parked in the parking garage I came to the lyric "even when I don't see you your working " and I felt His presence and knew he was with Emily too.   

I dropped off the care package I felt like God wanted me to do laps. Ok, but I am only walking on my level of the parking garage was my response. I walked the level and another and another. I prayed for mercy, peace, and grace to prevail. I did a couple of laps before it felt right to get back in my car. 

The following few days I did the same thing; wake up, walk, pray, drive to the hospital singing by myself Waymaker, drop off a note for Emily at the front desk, then walk the level of the parking garage and pray, and sit in my car all alone and pray. 

A week had passed. I was woke up wide awake at 3am and felt our Heavenly Daddy telling me to pray. I went to the windows where the world was still dark except for the stars. I looked out the window and prayed.  I sat in the recliner in my room and began praying over Emily and the neuro ICU team and hospital smothering and covering into God's capable hands. 

At 5 am I felt our Heavenly Daddy tell me to get on my knees. I remember telling him I don't think I can get back up. I am too chubby. I am too old for that. That's when our Heavenly Daddy reminded me that earlier in the year I had my knee replaced. I looked around and saw that if I moved the recliner I could slide onto the floor and then get back up using the sturdy footboard of my bed. With a deep breath I slide onto the floor. The memory of how I loved playground slides as a kid hit me and I was thankful to God for it. 

 I got on my chubby girl hands and knees and prayed, listened, and prayed some more. When I was done it was 8 in the morning and the sun was out.  I took a deep breath and got dressed for my walk. I walked and prayed for mercy and grace and that no disease or virus affect or pernitrate my home away from home nor the caretakers. After my walk I wrote a note for Emily and drove singing "Waymaker" to the hospital. 

I dropped the note off at the front desk and left like I had for the past week. I heard "climb". My response was ; "Are you kidding me, God? You woke me up, you made me get on my hands and knees, go for a walk, and now you want me to climb? I don't even have cute sneakers on! ". I went to walk the level like I had been each day but kept hearing climb. Exasperated, I went to go sit in my car to rest and pout. 

Sitting in my car looking at my leopard lounger shoes I took a deep breath and then another. I don't even have on shoes to climb I whined. I will not climb in my leopard loungers, Daddy, don't even try to make me. As I whined I could feel that our Daddy wasn't asking me to physically climb. He would accept me driving my car and climbing the parking garage. I laughed that I had been whiny and started my car to "climb"  to the top of the parking garage. I got out of my car I felt encouraged. 

I could see the vastness of the blue sky ; is that what you wanted God to remind me how big you are? Then I saw several hawks flying from a distance. Is that why I am here God to see the hawks and know I am protected and so is Emily. Then I saw the sunlight reflected off the glass of the 7th floor of the hospital and tears rolled. 

The 7th floor that I walked days before praying mercy and grace. The 7th floor where Emily's room was. I praised God for knowing the wonders of my heart ; a big blue sky, hawks, and the 7th floor of MU where my daughter laid in a hospital bed. I grabbed my Bible and began to read Psalm 40 and then listen to 40 by U2 and let my emotions flow. I praised him for his goodness and graciousness in my life and asked Him for a miracle for Emily and left. 

I went back and "climbed" again that afternoon. I began to pray outside on top of the roof of the parking garage. The team at MU wanted one more seizure to verify that they had the correct areas of Emily's brain. We had been waiting on the seizure for what felt like forever and praying for it to come. The team had left the grid on Emily's brain an extra week. We were ending that second week and they had talked with Emily that if they didn't have a seizure this week that they would take off the grid and send her home. 

Heavenly Daddy please allow Emily to have another seizure you are the waymaker began my prayers that afternoon. I prayed I submitted Emily back to the hands that made her. I gave my daughter back to the hands that could heal her the miracle worker that is our God.  I asked that God would heal her here or in heavenly realms. I accepted that heavenly realms was a possibility and told God I accepted it. I told him either was acceptable because he is the light in the darkness.  I prayed Psalm 40. I watched the hawks fly over and sun gleaning on the 7th floor of MU where Emily was. I heard "it is done". 

What is done, Daddy? What? I instantly thought it was my car. My car that had a lot of miles and wear and tear. I got it in and it started. Still thinking it was my car I drove it to the smoothie place. As I paid for my smoothie I felt guilty for leaving the top of the parking garage. I drove back and before I could get to the top of the garage my phone was ringing. I kept going but then it rang again and I saw it was Emily. I pulled over. She told me that she was going to have surgery tomorrow. I asked if she  had a seizure. She told me no. She told me Dr. Bandy and his team had looked through her previous brain mappings. They felt confidant that the seizures were coming from the same section of her brain. Confidant enough that they were going to head to surgery with her. I asked her to take out the device for the brain mapping or part of her brain. She didn't know. I told her I would call the nurses station for details once I got to the top of the parking garage but I was praising God. 

I hung up and began to climb the parking garage for the top and I got another call from Emily. I had to pull over again. The neurosurgeons had been in. They confirmed surgery was happening tomorrow and that they would be taking off the grid and taking part of her brain. I told her I was delighted and would call her as soon as I got to the top of the parking garage. I got to the top of the parking garage and got out. I could see the blue sky at dusk, the hawks flying in the distance, and the sun fading in the glass windows of the 7th floor where Emily was. I heard again "it is done". I began to sing quietly Waymaker with tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I praised our Heavenly Daddy from the top of the parking garage that he was a waymaker, miracle worker, and indeed the light in our darkness. I praised him as I read Psalm 40 fully awake to what the scripture meant in my life and the life of my daughter. I played U2's 40 a couple of times and then took a deep breath. I went to call the nurses station to confirm. I found there was a message from Dr. Bandy who was confirming they were going to do surgery on Emily within 24-48 hours depending on when the team could book an operating room. I praise danced at the top of the hospital parking garage and didn't even care who saw it. I was excited that Daddy had said "it is done" and he means it! 

It took 48 hours for the operating room to become available. The day before surgery I called the nurses station and thanked them for being my hands and feet. I explained to them that every time Emily has a seizure we have a celebration of life party that she is still alive and we have her. I told them I wanted to give Emily a celebration of life party but I couldn't be there and asked if they would celebrate with her that she was going to have surgery.  They were delighted to help me. 

I went to Wendys for Emily;s favorite chicken nuggets and bought 5 family packs. I waited patiently for them to be made praising Daddy that "it is done". The manager brought them to my car and apologized for the delay and looked at me. He asked if I was ok. I told him about Emily. He asked if he could pray and did over Emily. Then he looked at me again and began to pray over me. When he was done he told me to call him to let him know how surgery went. 

I delivered the nuggets, pop, and cookies to the hospital for Emily's celebration of life party. I went to the parking garage and "climbed" to the top of the parking garage. I listened to U2's 40, then Waymaker, and then got out of my car to praise our Heavenly Daddy that my daughter not only lives but she was going to live to praise him. I prayed for a while and then went back to my car. I sat breathing it all in. A friend called to check in on me. I told her about the parking garage and "it is done" and told her I believe Emily's surgery would be a miracle. She said " Sherry I love you. I love that you get the little things in life that God gifts. I have to tell you I think you are forgetting something". Geez, what could that be? My friend asked me this;

*How many years has Emily had seizures? ; almost 7 years 

*What floor is Emily on in the hospital? 7th floor

*The number 7 is a symbol for what? I don't know... hold on I do but I can't think of it. Her reply was priceless ; "Sherry, 7 is a symbol of completion, when God says it is done he means it. I think it is not coincidence that it has been 7 hard years and Emily lays in a bed at MU on the 7th floor that is all God's signs for you and Emily this journey will be complete and done ". 

Ohh, friends, that is the beauty of living in the inexplicit. We don't always see, know, or hear exactly what is God is doing we just know he is there. Daddy is working on it even when we don't see it. Daddy never gives up and is beyond our worldly tirelessness and restlessness and whining. He is solid! He wants us to see the beauty of our daily into the mighty of our trials. 

I believe there is a solidness of living inexplicit with our Heavenly Daddy. Psalm 40 declares; "I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He pulled me out of a horrible pit, out of the mud clay. He set my feet on a rock and my my steps secure". Psalm 40 has given me a sense of solace and solidarity with the Lord when I feel out of touch and ill prepared. When the world has came to seek me, destroy, and make me lose heart it is a Heavenly Daddy that sees my despair, your despair, and pulls you out. He seeks to put us not only back on our feet but on a rock of his son Christ Jesus that we would stand free and clear. Clear to see, hear, and know our Daddy is always with us. Clear to see, hear, and love others as He has done for us without judgement or delay. 

I feel a natural beauty in writing this 4th of the series of "Lioness Among Tigers". It is the inherent nature of a Daddy who loves us dearly that comes in our despair. For Emily it took 7 years to gain seizure freedom. Today she is 113 days seizure free. The team at MU tells us that we can celebrate in 2 years. Today we celebrate 113 and counting. Below is a picture of sweet Emily on top of the parking garage at MU praying with her mama. 

May you walk in mercy and peace, 

Sherry

Updates; 

*We traveled through the rain and my migraine and nausea on Sunday and made it safely to Columbia.  Emily had a series of tests and a consult with Dr. Bandy. We would appreciate prayers for safe travels while we are here and for when we go home on Tuesday. 

*Emily's challenge of the week is hearing things correctly as they are spoken. I find her puzzled at times when I say metaphors; she has to ponder those for a while. She asks me to explain the meanings and feels "overwhelmed" at time this week in her recovery. 

*Her neurologist is concerned with Emily's equilibrium. His concern is that the seizures have moved to another spot in her brain and what we are seeing when she stumbles and trips as she walks is a seizure. There were no appointments available for a scan or for a 3 days EEG this week. That means we will have to return or those in the future. Would you pray that the schedulers call soon and we could get an appointment for both. 

*I will be returning to Sough Dakota in late April. Prayers over my ability to be God's light in my travels there. Emily has been cleared today by Dr. Bandy so she can go with me. He told us to make it back by her appointments in June and be safe. 

*Dr. Bandy cleared Emily to ride her bike again! Well, only around the block but that is huge! This is something she hasn't done without us walking or riding with her in years. She has to wear a helmet which she has. He told me to make sure the helmet is tight on her head. I told him I would verify the fit of her unicorn helmet and he laughed and told us that his daughter loves unicorns too.