I'll admit it. I'm not good at compromise... just ask poor Tedster or my kids. I've always liked the idea of being the leader at any cost and tried to not look back. I was driving down the highway this week and heard the song, The Freshman, by Pearl Jam. I almost turned the station but got distracted and then heard the lyric "what made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise". And that hit home and it stung. My life has been filled with those petty little arguments that I could have stopped just by compromising or saying I was sorry. That is why I've gotten myself into so many predicaments & arguments over the years.
Being a wife & mama sure did help to settle down my inability to compromise. There is no way that you can be married or have kids that you love and not learn to compromise. Ted and the kids were the game changers for me. They made me realize that I wasn't out in the world just to get what I wanted and go on. I was out in the world for a purpose and to make a difference to those I loved and others around me.
I remind myself that I made a pact with Ted, God, and myself when we got married. Within that pact is compromise. Uggh, that is sooo hard to do with someone you love but you see how they are doing it all wrong, right? Yeah, I'm not alone then right? The one great thing my mom told me early on in my marriage was to learn to Ted when he objected to something. She shared with me that many times when my dad disagreed with her or what she was going to do she went ahead and did it. And, that he was right because she made mistakes, hurt others, and got into situations that she wouldn't have dreamed of in her worst nightmare. Well, I really took that to heart but still held true to my "there are many ways to do things but then there is the right way....that's my way".
But slowly and surely I started to listen to Ted and learned what my mom said was right. There were situations that I placed myself in that I had no biz being there. There were things that I would say that I would have been better off being silent and most of all I needed to be reminded that one of the reasons I love Ted is that he's smart. So, yeah, I've learned to compromise over the years and God bless Ted for his patience with this head strong gal.
Then we had kids! Oh, who wants to be the embarrassing mom? The one that starts a conflict, is mouthy, or does embarrassing stuff? I actually had a big old garage sale before Emily was born and sold off anything I deemed "un-motherly". What time has taught me is that being "motherly" isn't your material possessions. Say, what? I could have kept all my new wave and punk records? What about my Drastic Plastic t-shirt ? Yeah, I could have. What I didn't realize then was that God has blessed each of us with common traits : kindness, courage, love, faith, and compromise. Shoot, think of all the times that God has remained steadfast as you compromised who you are through your words & actions. I think in my heart and spirit I always knew God was there and waiting patiently on me but I refused to compromise what I was doing or who I thought I was for him.
Ouch, that statement hurt. Knowing that God was there waiting but refusing to acknowledge him or his forgiveness for the mess that we call our lives. I knew what a rebel I was as I took my shoes off in church when I visited my grandparents...that was a huge no no. What about when I chose to ditch Sunday School as a teen and instead hide out, smoke, and gossip while at church? Or be so mouthy with what I knew that I got told not to come back to the youth group? Yeah, those are all a part of who I was and God watched, stood steadfast, and waited for me to come home to him. And, then in my twenties when I knew in my every fiber of being God had forsaken me because I did him....he was standing right beside me and waiting for me to accept him and his path for my life.
Well, all I've got to say is that I was ready to "compromise" meaning forget all the things that I knew about God last fall and say yes to his forgiveness. When I did that totally stopped all the sadness, guilt, and hurt that I felt over the years. That brings me around to the lyric" what makes us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise". The ability to compromise can set you free. That doesn't mean you have to compromise with everything or lose you. What it does mean is opening your mind, heart, and spirit to who God designed you to be.
This past months my world has been shaken, rocked, and rolled. But my faith has brought the "light" into my world and allowed me to keep going, re-group, and be a light for God. The thought of that thrills me. As we are donating, organizing, and re-grouping as a family we are finding the joy in the smalls of life. I'm personally been set free to dream again....yeah, dream! There are so many paths for my life to take on. Go back & sub, go & tutor, go & work creatively from home, go & do workshops. Did you notice how all those statements started? With "go". I feel so motivated by God that I know it is a time to listen to him, dig into his word, and then "go" in the direction he would have me go.
Personal Updates:
- In February I learned the important lesson of compromise, integrity, and knowing exactly who God designed me to be through my words and actions. For each situation I kept these words true to my heart from my Bread of Life cards : "Whenever this sweet message in God's word I see whosoever will may come: I know tis meant for me". In other words "Girl, you know who you are through Christ and don't ever let it be questioned".
- We are down to the smalls in the artroom. That would be unpacking my "keep" stuff, making curtains, and creating a creative island work station. I'm super excited by the transformation. It's still my basement aka "artroom" but it looks like a creative space that will help me be purposeful in what I do.
- I'm working on getting some natural estrogen replacements that are soy based. Anyone with any great suggestions let me know.
- My family & I have been finding joys in everyday life. I can bend and do the dishes, laundry, etc....those are huge "wins". I've been bragging a bit about "winning" but that is how I feel most days as I cook, clean, and do those small things for my family.
- I've been asked if I would be willing to do some scarves for a huge concert in Detroit this summer. I'm thrilled with the idea. Imagine some of the great bands that are going be there getting my stuff in swag bags.
- Finally, Tedster & I are keepin' on in our marriage. Even at the worst of times our core value is our faith & love for one another. I'm praying that we are able to find our way back this year to communicating, compromising, and throughout it all loving one another.
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