I woke up this morning, started to do my usual stuff, and then sat on my bed and looked out at the day. I instantly thought I need to just do lay down again. Then, I heard "stop chasing ghosts". Say what? Who was that? Are you a ghost? And if you are who are you?
Well, I didn't get that answer but I was flooded with the overwhelming urge to start to write it all down. I found myself thinking about growing up and in particular my junior high days. I don't talk much about them or high school. Why? Well, that would literally be waking up a ghost that has been dead within me for years.
Why wake it up now? Maybe it was the David Bowie cd I bought last week that I've been listening to like I did back in the day. Or it could be that I've been unsettled for a while from my pastor asking if there was ever anyone that felt invisible at home and Dale's friend raised his hand. That blew me away. All I could do is hug the kid and tell him I see him and love him. I told him that I'm never more than a call away and I'd always be there.
Why did I do that? Why do I feel so essential about connecting to others and reaching for those I feel that are hurting? I've been that person as a teenager, that person as a wife and mom, and that person as I struggle with what to do with my life. Be creative or go back and teach. I've been the lost soul that feels like no one sees them or cares. But I know in my heart and spirit it was all lies and manipulations that the enemy said to me.
I think the enemy started his manipulations when I was in junior high. What happened in seventh grade? My mom worked nights and my dad worked days just like always. They weren't super involved unless you told them about something. My older brother who I loved had become an alcoholic. Most days he was passed out or gone when I got home from school. But some days he was home, awake, drunk, and abusive. He would start with calling me names and yelling at me if I was lucky. If I wasn't he would hit me to break the "pretty" in me. That's what he called it. I told my mom about it but she took my brother's side and told me not be so bitchy to him. She never saw my brother drink and was sure that I was just being "dramatic". The worst came the day that he yelled at me and then grabbed me by my hair and turned on the burner of the gas stove in the kitchen. He told me that I wasn't going to be so pretty or smart once he burned my face off. That scared me , I kicked him, sprayed cleaner into his eyes and ran like hell to my friend's house. He tore off after me yelling at me. I was blessed that day that my friend's mom pulled in the driveway and saw me coming. She knew something was wrong and sent me into her house and said to lock the doors. She told my brother to go home and sleep it off. She refused to let me go with him and told him she was going to call our parents. What she did was call my dad and make a plan that I didn't have to be home until he was home from there on out.
Yeah, in seventh grade, the enemy came to visit me and all those lies that my brother said & it started to become my reality. I wasn't pretty, smart, and he knew a way that I could just get out. I found myself hanging out with friends that could make the enemy shut up and end the pain I felt through "self medication". What's that mean? Well, two friends had access to their old sibling's stash. Another friend was left mostly at his big house alone because of his dad's job. That meant we had a place to hang out, could use his dad's stash freely, and drink all the alcohol we could after a long day at school. This went on for about a week and my mom confronted me. She told me she knew the smell on my clothes and I was never to smell that way again. What she and my dad didn't know is what I wore to school each day. They were both too busy to notice. So, I would wear one outfit and stash a clean one in my backpack. We would take out backpacks out to the sun porch to stay while we went inside to get high. Then we would change our clothes and wash the ones from school. It was a genius plan that lasted over two years for me.
When I went to high school it started off the same as junior high with the same circle of friends. The difference is that my brother got a second DWI that year. My dad sat with me and told me he knew what I was doing after school. He told me how my brother was breaking my mom's heart. He then looked me in the eye and asked me to stop because he knew if I continued I would be a bigger mess than my brother. He said that it would kill my mom and would me the end of him too. My dad just never talked about his emotions but he opened up to me. And, I stopped hanging out after school with my friends. By the end of high school out of the eight of us there were four still alive. I went to go hang out during Christmas break with two of them and they made me leave before their dealer came. They told me I was too smart to hang out to with and that I needed to go back to college. At the time it pissed me off and I went home to sulk. How dare they not think I was cool enough to hang with them or that I was too snotty because I was in college. I watched the news that night and saw a story on a shooting at an apartment complex. I saw on the screen my friends apartment complex and heard that a male and female had been in a drug related fatality. They were my friends not just a male and female, they had names, and ohh, if I knew what I knew now.
Ohh, man, talking about chasing ghosts this morning. All I could think of were that circle of eight and how we lived. How six died so young. Why do I still feel the pain of seeing one of them at school crying in the hall, shaking them, and asking what was wrong. The pain of his refusal to tell, the feel of his sincere hug, and hearing a repeat of his words "it will be all right after this afternoon". And, I at 17 thought it was going to be all right for him. He went home and overdosed because his mom was going to put him in re-hab. I feel the pain in my heart that I could have helped him, stayed with him, or called his mom.
And, that is how the enemy attacks me this morning and many days. He tells me the lies : you're not pretty, you're dumb, you aren't a friend, everyone sees through you and what you are, you are nothing, you have no control over anything, you would be better off dying alone. Yeah, I've heard those taunts since seventh grade. They are enough to make me sob, shut me off from the people I love, and make me want to run away. But this morning I heard from my Heavenly Father who shouted, "There is no time for chasing ghosts, Sherry. Get up, get out there, and connect with people".
Thank you Heavenly Father. I'm up this morning to write about it and share in an effort to connect with people who hear those taunts too. You need to hear the truth of what our Heavenly Father says about you: You are not alone, you are a friend, you are worthy of calling the king of kings, Father and He is in control. And, when you take your last breath He is going to be there with you to take you home with Him.
Know you are loved and cared for each and every day by the king of kings. He has created and developed something unique within each of you. I know that I'm creative, a teacher, and wife, and mom, and friend. Those are the five things I choose to "chase" after today and each day. I'm not quite sure how they all are supposed to work together but God does and for that I'm thankful.
Peace be with you-Sherry
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