Wowsies, the last couple of weeks have flown by. I've taken time to pray, reflect, and find the joy in life's messes. I started thinking about learning to drive since Dale, my son, is getting ready to get his driver's permit over the summer. Do you remember learning to drive? Who taught you?
I remember learning to drive and it was my dad that taught me. By that time in his life he was semi- retired and had the time. My mom remembers laughing at the two of us and said it was never a dull moment. Most of the lessons ended up with my dad yelling at me and telling me "Pull over and let someone who knows how to drive drive!". And, he would drive us home and neither of us would talk to one another for a while. When we did he would try to correct what I did wrong and tell me how to do it right. Then he would question me over how to do it right. When I went to driver's ed in high school I didn't really know what to do because my dad had told me "to pull over" so many times. I remember being frustrated and ditching class. Yeah, driver's ed is the one class that I got a big fat F in.
I started thinking about the driving because of Dale but then thought of it metaphorically. We are in the driver's seat as soon as we are born. We make decisions all the time, right? Or have we lived in the comfort of letting others make those big decisions? I know as a kid my parents encouraged me to make decisions for myself. But just like the driving lessons with my dad they would tell me to "pull over and let someone that knows how to drive drive".
If I'm honest I ran from that life when I started college in Missouri. One of my friends said to me, "You know that your parents are 4 hours from here and by the time they would know anything it would be done". Yeah, that was a beautiful start to my party princess, boyfriend of the week days. But did I make the choices or just follow the pack? Now, that I'm older I thought I was leading the pack but maybe I wasn't.
What about getting married & having kiddos? Was I in the driver's seat? If I was in the driver's seat wouldn't I have been a financial planner, had kids when I chose to, and led a life of the gypsy traveler that I knew I was destined for ? But nope, those dreams were left unfulfilled, promises that I made were left undone, and I never had the courage to do any of it. My whole life I always thought I was the driver but I wasn't. The next thought, "your old and it's too late" came to mind.
Yeah, some would say, "it's never too late" or "you don't have to settle". Uggh, really? Shoot, I went for a colonscopy last week and had a bag of prescriptions that I picked up from the pharmacy yesterday. My own daughter joked with me about having so many they put them in a big bag. I told her that my essay I wrote as a senior about when to die was about right. I showed her the wrinkles that I see on my hands and know that is "too old". Then I go to get my prescriptions and see the big bag and just have to roll my eyes. Ohh, in case you are wondering in my essay in high school 40 was the age limit and I'm 45....uggh. Ever had one of those moments?
Last night I prayed about the uncomfortableness that I've been feeling in my spirit and soul. It's an ache and pain to be 19 again and have a do over. The kind of do over where you are in the driver's seat and unstoppable. I wouldn't be entangled by a marriage, kids, or a home. I would be free to move every 5-10 years to a new place on my list of where to live. And, if I lived to be 40 I would take time to settle down from being a financial planner and go back to college to get my degree to teach.
Wow, what a gypsy I wanted to be. I'm still that gypsy wanna be in my heart....shoot, look how the first thing I do when I get hurt or scared is. I run from it. I have the grace this morning to realize that I may not have been in the driver's seat but I know who was : God. He saved me from myself. He made me look twice each day that I passed the lab school in college and would see the kids in the playground. He opened my heart for teaching as a 20 something who knew that I wouldn't make the bank like I would with being a financial planner. But I knew that I loved each moment in the classroom more than the money in the bank.
He graced me with meeting my party peep match in Ted. We were souls that wandered from one good time to the next. We didn't want to allow someone to get too close because that would slow us down. God knew that we were two lost souls that needed one another and so we met, dated, broke up, dated, and broke up a zillion times. I could honestly say that Ted was my best friend and the man that God wanted me to marry. Shoot, who else would have known how I loved to shop and ask me to marry him at the mall? God saw to it that I turned rather than taking the path I was on when I married Ted.
I was graced by my kids. They caused my brakes to kick in. I learned to be selfless in my actions and love unconditionally. I learned that having feeling doesn't make you weak it allows you to grow inner strength. I threw out the map of my life by having them. I allowed them to become the mapmakers that showed me the way. I don't regret any journey that my "mapmakers" have taken me on.
Whose ultimately in the driver's seat in you life? It's something that we've all got to figure out. Something that is precious to our core & priceless to our well being. I solemnly believe that if God is the driver we don't need to have to "pull over and let someone who knows how to drive drive". He already has it handled. He allows for the curves, the changes in direction, and knows the map like no one else. I know that I need to settle my spirit and soul and focus in on Him. If and when we do He never steers us wrong.
My challenge this week is going to keep a journal of joys. These past couple of weeks I've felt physical pain from my body. I feel better most days but I've been achy, whiny, and frustrated. My blood work last month wasn't good so I got the colonoscopy last week. One of my former students was my nurse....yeah, God has a great sense of humor. She asked if I was still teaching and I told her about being creative and she said how brave I was. Shoot, that should be the first thing that I write in my journal of joys. What are you going to write in yours?
Peace Be With You- Sherry
Updates:
- Emily got a call from the business office at Longview this week. We owe $60 for her tuition. God is good.
- My colonoscopy showed some polyps which are being biopsied. The doctor gave me a prescription, yeah, another for my big bag.
- I'm working creatively this week after resting up for about a week. I'm not sure why I'm so tired and achy but know that God's got it. I'm thankful for a borrowed saw, some freebie branches and creativity that comes from God.
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