Matthew 17:14-21:
14 And when they came to the crowd, a man came up to him and, kneeling before him, 15 said, “Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is an epileptic and he suffers terribly. For often he falls into the fire, and often into the water. 16 And I brought him to your disciples, and they could not heal him.” 17 And Jesus answered, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me.” 18 And Jesus rebuked the demon,[b] and it came out of him, and the boy was healed instantly. 19 Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” 20 He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” [21 However, this kind does not come out except by prayer and fasting.]”
I love seeing and hearing about all the vacation plans that people have. I honestly do and am content with staying here if it means that that Emily can start her classes next week, I can deal with my health junk, and that we can be content. But what has crept up in my world to be the ultimate summer vacation ...."Guilt Trip".
Can I just whine for a moment? This past month has been a whirlwind for me. Why? I'm working on opening up my artroom to monthly workshops for kiddos & adults. And, it's been stressful to say the least. Throw in my colonoscopy and another doctor's visit and that adds up with money being spent. They found pre-cancerous polyps in my biopsy....there comes some heartache. I've had a migraine headache since last week . Next week, Emily starts out at Longview. She can't drive right now because of her seizures and I need to find her a ride back home a couple of times a week. And, I feel a little heartbroken with it all if I'm being honest.
I've been fighting the good fight to be accountable to my family & friends with my health. And, I've got some more hurdles that have been propped up before me and I'm tired. My body literally hurts and I long for a nap most days than not. I'm stressed to the gills over the expense of my doctor's visits each month and feel guilty to my kids and hubby for having them. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety on opening up my artroom. What if people don't come to the workshops? What if I'm doing the wrong thing and it is only gonna end up in ridicule and heartbreak? And, then, my head starts to pound and tears flow.
What is it about myself that I feel guilty about just basic things? Have you ever been there or still are there? I sure do hope there are some more of us "guilty" folk out there. And, why are we feeling guilty or heartbroken? Have we done something incredibly wrong or hurt many? Nope, I'm just challenged in my life, my walk with God, and my actions daily. That is enough to throw me on the "Guilt Express".
I think my first trip on the "Guilt Express" started when I was a kid. My mom would "mom guilt" me into wearing the frilly dresses that literally sent me running for the bathroom to throw up. But I knew my mom loved to buy me those dressy and loved to see me in them so I said nothing. I just wore them . At Sunday School they called my mom because I was getting sick. When she got there she talked with me and I told her I was fine that the dress was making me crazy and I got sick from it. From then on she let me pick my own outfits, clothes, etc. because she didn't realize how those little things effected me. When we shopped when I was older she would hold up something frilly and ask if it was a puker.....yeah, we were able to laugh about it. Are you as sensitive of a soul as me? Worried that you will look bad, stupid, or foolish in your Sunday best dress in your life?
Yesterday, I had a truly un-fab day. I had to call a couple of gal pals to fix a problem....yes, the KCPL guy showed up because we didn't pay the bill. I found the unopened bill on top of my frig that morning after he knocked on the door. I asked the guy if he could give me a little bit of time to make some phone calls because I didn't have a check to give him and if I did it wouldn't be good until Friday when Ted gets paid. God blessed me with two gal pals that showed up within 15 minutes to get the bill paid, let me rant, cry, and just love on me. How precious is that? But after they left I cried some more and felt guilty about having to call them in the first place. I felt guilty about not taking care of the bills and having Ted do it. I felt guilty that I showed him how to budget stuff but never double checked everything he was doing . As, I write this I think good grief, Sherry, you can't be all places at all times, give yourself a break.
Insert deep breath. I need to thank my Heavenly Father today that he is at all places and times. He gives us a break. He'll guide us if we just let him. And, isn't it remarkable that he gave me two friends that I didn't feel ashamed to call & ask for help? Ok, I'm feeling a little better now.
But what about the workshops I want to do. I'm a teacher at my core and love it. I've got health issues that I need the ability to work around. I'm blessed with an artroom in my house, the ability to teach, and the courage to offer the workshops. But I feel the "Guilt Train" rolling in and bringing fear to my soul, frantic & worry to my spirit, and my mind is filled with "don't bother you can't do that". Then I hear within my spirit you have to try, Sherry, I've given you the perfect opportunity to do all the things that you need.
I want to look around in a frenzy, yell, kick, and scream because my world is less than perfect. I'm riding the "Guilt Train" daily right now and have become comfortable with it. I spend money on doctor's visits, tests, and meds which take away from my family. Ted works hard each day. Instead of being grateful I want him to take on the job of paying the bills and being diligent about it when he's never liked doing it. I've worked with the kids to get our house in order, try to make simple repairs, and be their mom but I feel heartsick, discontent, and tired. With that I hear the train rolling over the tracks.
As, I wrote that last paragraph it started to rain. And, I have to laugh a little....really, God, I'm moping around, feeling guilty for not being the of all to all, and you send in the rain? Being the gal that I am I see it as a metaphor for my life right now....all that is washed away, Sherry. Now, go fight the good fight with what you do have, can do, and who you are designed to be.
I can't say the "Guilt Train" is chugging away from me at this point. But I hear it in the distance tooting it's horn which is better than riding in it. I think that each day I've gotta take it as it comes and feel blessed to be with my kids, my hubby, and live. If I worry about all the things that I could do or should do for them I will waste the time that I could be just living. If I guilt myself into what I spend on doctor's visits each month I'll never go and that doesn't help. Feeling guilty that I'm not worthy enough to open up my artroom I kid myself and everyone around me. I know in my core that God designed me to be a teacher. I know that he's given me a great opportunity to reach others through creativity. Why should that bring me guilt? It doesn't when I hear those words. It reminds me of the faith that I've got with my Heavenly Father.
My statement for the week is : God has given me the great opportunity to reach others with creativity. That might be what each of us needs to get off the "Guilt Train". Write a simple mission statement for yourself. It will be different for each of us but something that you feel in your core being. Now go, fight the good fight, and be who God designed you to be.
Keeping the Faith- Sherry
Updates:
1. Emily starts Longview next Monday. She can't since her last seizure. Ted is going to take her in the mornings. She gets out around noon each day. If anyone is able to help give her a ride home one day a week let us know.
2. I've got to go to the Cancer Center next week to plan my next trip to the urologist and to discuss my colonoscopy. I think I'll have a better grip on things once I talk with my cancer counselor and get all the guilt that I feel out.
3. Pray that I can get some relief from the migraine headaches that I've been having. I've had vertigo with them and spent last weekend sleeping.
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