This week has been heartbreaking to me and I feel washed up & used up. I don't know what the term "ready to put out to pasture" means since I'm a city kid but that sounds kind of decent. If only there were a free Starbucks and Netflix in the pasture with a big comfy pillow & quilt. Ok. those are my conditions if & when I go out to pasture.
What's been going on? I'm physically tired. I've been working hard this summer and lovin' every creative & memorable moment with my kids. But I've also ignored my doctor when she said to rest and take it easy when I don't feel 100%. In the spring I had pre-cancerous cysts removed from my intestines. This fall I've literally been poopy and have started to bleed rather than have stools which scares me and makes me want to "go out to pasture" & be done.
As a fam we are trying to adjust from the past year or so of me being sick and now here we go again. Yesterday, our health insurance got cancelled. Why? Because we couldn't afford the $1,200 for it. Ted knew it was coming and has been on the phone with BCBS all month giving them our background story. Asking if they could reduce the rate that they doubled this spring. Asking if they have processed our appeal. Asking them to just take half and let him figure out a way we can get the rest. The answer to all these questions came yesterday when he called them and they told him personally that our insurance was cancelled and they wouldn't look into our appeal, etc. unless we paid the premium.
Ahh, now what to do? All I can do is think of Ted who is diabetic and needs insulin. I think of Emily who finally has gotten her groove back. She's in classes at the community college & just got her ability to drive. But she needs her seizure meds to keep her going. And, Ted, Em, and Dale need insurance in case something happens. And, yeah, I need insurance to go to my cancer doc, get tests ran, and help pay for insurance but that isn't what crosses my mind. It's my family & their basic needs.
The one thing I know is that God is with me & my family through this season. He will sustain us, lift us up, and watch over each of us. I don't just write those words I believe them in my heart & soul. That is what caused me to wake up this morning and start making phone calls. I called Cancer Care this morning. They told funding for ovarian cancer through them amounts to a one time gas card to get you to your doctor's appointment. The gal was nice enough, said she would send an application, and let me cry. The next call was to Cancer Action where I left a message for a gal to call be back about resources in my area. Next call was to the American Cancer Society. They sent me to the insurance advocates that looked through our info. They gave me ideas of how to get insurance for Dale. And, we talked about the situation with BCBS and the possibility of Ted, Emily, and I not having insurance until January. Then I called Emily's neurologist, told them what had happened and asked for help to get her meds. Final call for this morning was to Patient Advocate Foundation who took my details and will have an advocate call me within the next few days.
It's not perfect but God created me smart & capable. I feel that I haven't failed God or my family today because I got out there and tried. I may have a runny nose, red eyes, and been a crybaby but no one that I called scorned me for it. They were patient, kind, and sincere. I had one gal tell me that she was a believer too and pray with me while I cried over the phone. It wasn't a perfect morning but I feel God's compassion washing over me. I can spend the rest of the day walking in faith & confidence that I don't have the answers and things didn't get solved. Why? Because Jesus is walking beside me and he does have the answers and knows how to solve it. I don't know how, when, or where but he does & that's enough for the day.
I wrote this to encourage each of you. We all have moments, seasons, and times when we feel like we'd be better off going out to "pasture". The prob is there is no Starbucks in the pasture, Netflix, or a comfy pillow. But if you choose to live with Christ there is the remarkable gift of eternal life that I'm sure I will drink so many chai teas my stomach will ache. I know through Christ that on the worst days He is there wrapping his heavenly quilt around me to get me through. And, I know the same is true for you!
I would appreciate your prayers for our family during this season. I haven't talked openly with my kids about my medical situation only to say that I feel crummy & have some stuff going on. In reality I don't know what my cancer doc wants to do with me so that is what I know....I feel crummy & have some stuff going on.
Peace be with you- Sherry
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