How many times a day do you find yourself critiquing your value or worth? Or is it something that comes so naturally that you would have to really think about it. For years I've played off my worth, value, and compliments like they weren't real. Part of that is in my humble nature & part of that is in how I was raised. Worth and value came to my family came in the how much you earned or what you could do better than others. Have you ever heard the song "Anything you can do I can do better?".....you've just got a glimpse into my family dynamic as a kid.
As a teenager I had extra questions about my worth & value not just because all kids do but because I had an older brother that was an alcoholic and took things out on me when he was drunk. On the best days when I got home from school he was passed out. On the worst days I got ridiculed for believing I was smart, capable, and had any worth or value in the world. He was determined to make me feel worthless like he probably felt at the time.
All those things from my past make up my dynamic. Those are the things that make me question myself. And, if someone throws a compliment my way for years I've downplayed it. Just this last year I started to say thank you to the compliments and really absorb them. Know what happened? I felt a sense of calm wash over me with each of them. Each compliment was a small reminder from God that I had worth, value, and was "fearfully & wonderfully made". It reminded me of all the times I would be in tears as a kid & adult having my mother pray Psalm 139:14. I think she was praying it would finally absorb into my brain and I would be the girl of grace, light, and beauty that God created. And, more importantly, I would believe it.
This past weekend I went with some gal pals to the DFL women's conference. Their theme" grace, light, and beauty". I was thrilled to go because : last year I stopped believing while at DFL I was destined for damnation based on my younger self. I wanted a chance to reconnect with the counselor from James River that has called and emailed each month through the past year to check on me, pray with me, and let me know God's got this when I feel like I'm failing. And, the chance to worship God & seek his peace in this stormy season of my life. The best part was one of the gal's knew my heart and spirit was hurting and helped pay for me to go....thank you dear anonymous angel.
All of those things happened but I was able to re-think my definitions on the words "grace, beauty, and light". I never would call myself graceful....shoot, my mom called me the bull in the china
cabinet most days as a kid because I was klutzy, active, and accident prone. I've always thought of grace in terms of what God grants me to deal with my day, situations, and life in my adult life. Beauty isn't a word that I would use to define myself. It makes me think of Miss America and I'm far from pageant ready most days. And the word "light" could either mean not a lot going on with work, a salad for lunch, and for sure not my weight.
Today I see that I have all three of those characteristics within me. Grace through when times are touch or good in my ability to thank and praise God. I've got grace enough to realize when I'm in over my head and give it over to my Heavenly Father to help me through. Beauty is only skin deep, peeps, for reals. Beauty is in the twinkle of my eye when I joke with my friends, my piggy snort laugh, and my ability to hunker down in this season of life to pray, praise, and give thanks daily. I left light for last because it is my fav. It is something that I prayed for each morning when I taught but didn't realize light was the term for it. Light is me asking God to allow me to be the vessel through my words and actions so that his "light" shines through me.
My highlight this week was being able to do the Mama Mia workshop using the Lay Clergy's building to reach my community for Christ with creativity. Both Emily & Dale came and helped out and I was blessed with mamas & kids that came. I had an older come by who later sent me a message to let me know she loved what she saw. She said she would be praying for me because she saw God's love shine through me.....what did I say about "light"? Her message sent a wave of courage through me this week.
Peace be with you- Sherry
**This week with those three words in my arsenal I took to the phones. I've got a cancer advocate as of this week. They made some inquires to my insurance company for our family about the rate changes, dropping different meds from our policy, and dropping our insurance. The advocate got back with me today to let me know they are willing to reinstate our policy for $2200. He suggested that we hold tight and let him keep working them.
**We also found out that the pharmacy cards we got don't work for all of our prescriptions.....only certain ones from certain drug companies. We are trying to file paperwork with the drug companies so Ted can get his diabetic meds & Emily can stay on her seizure med.
**The topper of this week is that I've had nausea, bloody stools, and vomiting. I've got to walk in faith and confidence that God is going to see me through. My gal pals have suggested I set up a Go Fund Me account and explain what is going on. Just the thought of it feels my heart with dread and I feel hopeless. I feel inside that I should be able to take care of my family, myself, etc. and not to ask others to do it....it leaves me broken hearted to say the least. So, pray for God to bring me discernment on the Go Fund me thing.
**I'm reaching out and asking for help with this one: I made a little library for my yard. I need help digging in the front yard & getting it mounted. If you or someone you know would like to help me I would love it!
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