The Canary Sings

“For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.  Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.”  - Mark 11:23

I'm a bit loopy-ier than usual this week.  I started radiation treatments for the cysts that keep coming back in my intestines. I'm stressed over how it is effecting my kids & hubby so instead of saying radiation I say "treatments". Treatment seems to imply that it is a treat, some sort of reward, or that it is just fine.  In reality it is my worldly way of saying " I'm just fine, normal, and my world is pleasant".  

Yesterday, I went to the Gilda Center before my first "treatment".  Know what that meant?  It meant admitting I've got a problem, I'm not fine, not normal, and my world is being rocked. I went there because I was early for my "treatment" and didn't want to cry by myself.  I was headed to the art museum to just hang out, re-group, and get myself in check. I passed by the Gilda Center on my way there and turned in.  I sat in my car, prayed for to release all my fear, anxiety, anger, and hurt to God.  Know what?  I wound up walking into the Gilda Center in tears.  They got a counselor who let me just blab endlessly about what was going on and cry, and cry, and cry.  

She told me it was all right just to let it go.  I've waited almost a year to hear someone say just let it go, cry. Know why? Because I give it all to God each morning, put on a smile, and push through....isn't that what we are all supposed to do?  Well, yesterday, I learned that God placed people in our paths to let us lean on, cry to, and mourn.  He didn't intend for any of us to use the word "fine" when asked how we are.  He created us to articulate our needs and designed us not only to seek him but others he places in our path.

The past year I've learned that God supplies for our needs and to trust him.  It was a hard lesson that included ovarian cancer, loss of medical insurance, medical problems, and stress. I have to confess that it felt like my tightly woven life was unraveling.  It started with a string that got pulled when I had surgery last year, that string started a small ball when the biopsies came back with cancer, and the small ball got a little bigger when they explained the large mass with cancer cells burst inside me when they went to take it out.  And, each time over this year when someone would ask how are you and I said "fine" more strings were coming apart.  This summer when I thought I had diarrhea and found it was only blood I felt completely lost and leaned into God.  When I went back to the cancer doc and couldn't afford a mammogram there was another string unwinding. Our health insurance getting cancelled, and not being able to afford Emily's seizure meds equaled more strings of my tightly woven life coming undone. My tightly knit world was becoming a bunch of loose fibers that were a huge mess ball.  

Ok, I remind you that I said I was a little loopy-ier than normal so forgive me.  But am I the only one with a tightly woven worldly life that they show to the world?  The life where we they have a "praise report" but inside it feels like God is forgetting you?  A life where you have no idea how things are going to work out or if they will.  A life where you want to sob but you suck it up, put on a mask of makeup and go on with your day.  And, if someone asks how you are you answer "fine". 

Ohh, be still my heart after God.  It's not that I don't see that God has a plan & will supply what is needed...I feel it in my soul.  It's not that I don't know that the radiation will take care of any cancer cells that remain in my body and help me. But my heart....the one after God seeks to be told "cry it out & release it all".  I was raised to not cry, get emotional, or show your hurt to the world.  This week I'm learning a lesson from God that he intended for me to cry, get emotional, and who cares who sees it.  He's showing me that it doesn't make me weak or an attention hog.  It makes me the girl of grace, hope, and love that he designed. 

Peace be with you- Sherry 

Needs for the Sniders:

1. Pray for all of us at this season of our lives.  Pray for my kids & Ted this month that God encourages their spirits, hearts, and minds this month.

2. Today after my second radiation I've got some nausea and diarrhea. That is all normal but I feel miserable. Pray for me that I rest well and feel like another round tomorrow.  

3. If you are compelled to help us with grocery getting, small errands, etc. let us know.  I need to hibernate in this month, rest, and take care of myself.  Emily can't drive until this spring because of her last seizure and would love to get out to go help get our groceries or runs errands but will need a ride.  If you can give her a ride that would be great.