Slam Dunk

Whose ever said "I'm getting drowned by ; finances, work, family commitments, the holidays...etc"? I feel like we need to change the word drowned to dunking. Dunking is annoying, gets your attention, sometimes takes your breath away but you recover.

I got this idea after having the same dream two nights in a row. Below you will find my ponderings, what I feel like our responses from God, and my responses back. I'm hoping that I'm not alone and that by sharing this helps some one else. Here goes friends.


grapple grasp fall

I was surrounded by cold water too deep to gain my footing. The skies were overcast. I'm trying to keep my ahead above the water.  I feel tired beat by the waves and like at anytime I could just go under.

Then I see a hand with a strong arm.  I grapple to grasp for the hand. Instead of pulling me out of the water the hand plunges me into the water and dunks me.  The continued dunking keeps coming all night.

I wake up this morning after the second night of being dunked. I literally feel the dunking in my nose, my lungs, and body this morning. and then I start to pray.

It occurs to me that it was a dunking. a repetitive dunking. It was not a drowning. The hand didn't try to kill me but chose to dunk me. It reminds me of being a kid at the pool or lake with my big brother. What big brother in his teens wants his kid sister to come to the pool with him? Mine would dunk me repetitively.  He would dunk me and tell me that I was going to be a stronger person for it. He would dunk me so many times that I would finally give up.  He would jump out of the pool and help me dry off, make sure I had my flip flops on and watch as I marched to the library nearby. 

There is no pool at the library only books.  It hits me this morning how much I hate getting my face wet and swimming. I really don't like the water. My mom, dad, and brother loved the water. not this chick, Lord, so why dunk me?

"i didn't drown you, Sherry" is the reply.

What's up with the dunking? In my mind I'm taken back to the southside pool and my brother. Dunking is annoying and a sure fire way to wake up. Dunking makes you stronger according to my big brother. Dunking takes you away from the moment. Then this response from the Lord;

"Dunking is a reminder that I'm with you even when you didn't ask, Sherry. Dunking is a reminder that you have my promise and perspective in the world. Dunking is a reminder that you can do hard things. Dunking is a reminder that I am with you in the hard things that are coming and will be. I am there dunking you and getting dunked with you, kid. When you choose to shake off the dunking and are ready to walk then and only then you'll take my hand once again.

For now enjoy the dunk.  Know you are loved and i call you mine to whomever would question".

Thank you for the reminder that I can walk with you and don't have to settle for anything less. Tonight I would appreciate less dunking and more walking, Lord. Love, Sherry


Hoping this excerpt from my journal helps maybe one or two of you reading it. I want you to remember when you think you are drowning you are simply being dunked. With each dunking you need to remember that God is there with you and he is ready when you are to walk again. God loves me and he loves you. He calls us his kids.  I'm really thankful that the dunking has stopped in my dreams.  In honesty I still feel like I'm being dunked but I will not drown because God has me, is with me, and will not falter.

May you see the dunking as a way to be stronger....just like my big brother told me.  I do.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates;

• It's been two weeks since my mom passed away. I still feel splintered bot broken but splintered. I have hope that now that God is going to take those splinters and make a beautiful mosaic from them that will be the next season of my life.  
• Emily, my daughter, has spent the week at MU hooked to monitors.  She has had uncontrolled seizures for six years. We are finally finding out exactly where in her brain the seizures start and spread. Continued prayers for her are appreciated. 
• I opened The Artroom this week for classes. I know it's been two weeks but it feels like God is saying that I not only need to but I have to. Being a teacher and artist is dear to my heart and part of my spirit. I'm so thankful for the families that came and will come. 
• Thank you for the kind words, prayers, and messages sent my way.  It is an incredibly hard season that I'm in. I realized before heading to South Dakota this summer God was telling me it would be the hardest time in my life. He prepared me in South Dakota for things that have happened. Even the words "splinter" and "dunking" were part of my journaling while I was there. God is just that awesome. 
• Continued prayers for the Sandymobile as we will be traveling back and forth to MU this coming week. Then later in December back to Des Moines.  

Rocketgirl Five

Family is defined a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit.  The second is ; all the descendants of a common ancestor. As I type that I start to ponder the lyrics to Rocketman by Elton John once again.  Why, God, am I hearing that song still? Shoot, I went back to Des Moines and saw my brother and even went to see my mom. Then it occurs to me that there are other people & places that I have been orbiting for a while.

My daughter, Emily, was 19 and a college freshman in St Louis. She was in college algebra when it struck and her life and world would never look the same since. In class she had a seizure, stopped breathing, and was unresponsive for 45 minutes. She was transported to the hospital nearby and after 57 minutes was responsive. We got the call from her college three hours later about what had happened and where she was.

We got her home, had tests ran, and everything looked fine. To quote a neurologist "she has a beautiful brain".  She went back to college in St Louis for another semester. She would wake with her mouth bitten and battered and bruised. The only conclusion we had was that she had a seizure in her sleep.  When I was diagnosed with cancer she came home from college.  With her home we realized how severe her seizures were and how many occur.

Emily has seizures in her sleep. She has seizures when she is awake. She has had multiple seizures on the same day. Each seizure leaves her battered and bruised. Because she's home we are usually with her and have learned how to maneuver her so she doesn't stop breathing. The seizures not only have battered her body but her memory as well.

From the start at 19 we looked for a reason.  We were told by a leading neurologist in KC that sometimes there are no reasons and we had to accept that.  We have been told that she could be a candidate for a stimulator that is a button placed in the brain that stops a seizure when it senses it. Then we found out that her seizures begin at the frontal lobe and then spread quickly through her brain ; stimulators aren't designed for the frontal lobe.

We have met with 8 neurologist total. Each looks through her scans and tests and sees that Emily has a "beautiful brain". We have went through medications and nothing ever sticks; her body responds at first and then within a month or so the seizures continue. Her current neurologist in KC suggested surgery when we first met. Emily was all for it.

As her mom I should have been all for it too, right? I haven't. I wanted there to be a magic pill that would keep my darling dot seizure free. I hoped that she would outgrow the seizures since the brain is still growing from age 18-25...yeah, thank my educational background for that. I prayed that God lift and restore Emily. I felt like I heard at 25 she would be. She turned 25 on August 5 this year and had a seizure as she sat across from me eating breakfast.

It was that seizure that became the catalyst for me rallying my daughter and her wishes to pursue surgery. At her September appointment to her KC neurologist she began to wobble when she walked and garble her speech. This happens at least twice a week but her neurologist has never seen it. I had to advocate for Emily because she could not. Her neurologist got her accepted by the University of Missouri neurology program.

After we made that appointment with MU Emily talked to me. She shared that she would have pushed for the surgery years ago but I was battling cancer. She told me "you were so sure that God was going to heal me that I didn't want to tell you no". Emily and her brother have prayed together over her for the past year that it would be; the right time, place, and moment to say we are going to pursue surgery and that I would accept it.

It makes me ponder and cry that my kids were afraid to tell me. It makes me marvel at God that he heard their prayers and began to soften my heart as Emily approached 25. It makes me ponder if I have been orbiting around like the Rocketman too distracted by my own feelings on Emily to ponder hers.

There is a current of light from God that calls us back from self doubts and idleness the world floods us with.  All the insecurities as a mom with a daughter with uncontrolled seizure disorder. How many times have I begged God not to take my daughter who was beautifully and splendidly made whom I love. It hits my like the cold snap this morning my daughter; in my mind I know that Emily has always been God's beloved daughter. I've prayed and released her each day in his care since she started kindergarten & through college. Somewhere between college & after her first seizure I began declaring her my daughter. It is a haze that has been clouding my judgment, reason, and heart for a while.

 It is a haze of selfishness that I've been walking because I didn't want to release my daughter into the arms of her Heavenly Father like I did on her first day of kindergarten. A haze that I've walked in and didn't even notice. The haze that the enemy has placed in my path that leads me to mumble and grumble and make excuses. The haze that takes me away from the current that is our Heavenly Father. 

The difference is I'm starting to spot the haze as it lingers around us. It seeks to challenge me; give easy alternatives, name call, and divide not only me but our family. This past week we were united as a family when we drove to Columbia, Missouri for a consult with Dr. Bendy. He was honest and said from her previous scans and tests there is no reason for the seizures. He told us he took her case after talking with Dr. Seeley about Emily. He knows that MU has resources for Emily that she hasn't had in the machines that do the imaging. He said that he could not say if she is a candidate for surgery or not based on her scans but if we did the scans, tests, etc.available at MU he might be able to find out.

The haze began to dissipate with the drive there on then as we consulted  with Dr. Bandy. When we left and got in the car I could feel the weightiness of the haze returning; it wanted me to cry, call out God for not healing Emily, and to be angry...really, really angry.  My daughter took my hand and squeezed it and the haze dissipated. I saw the beloved daughter of the King of Kings before me. I was humbled that the King had chosen me as her earthly mom. 

There is a haze around each of us seeking to pull us into anger, resentment, and abandonment of our beloved creator, God.  I've never felt like this in my life but it is a poignant time for me; I'm no longer an abandoned child at the side of the road that has lost her dad and possibly her mom soon. I'm no longer intertwined with the worldly stuff but have began preparing myself for kingdom things. As I've begun freedom the haze started to enter that left me polarized, orbiting outside of; people, places, and situations.  I allowed that haze to stick rather than beat it with a stick. 

On the ride home from Columbia I shared this with my husband while Emily slept in the backseat. I shared about the haze that seeks to encompass my emotions, play on my fears, and stop me from praising the Lord for his children that I call my daughter and son. Ted reminded me that the greatness is that I recognize it and know Jesus is the solution. Jesus is the haze breaker. United we refute the haze that we may stand brave, strong, and true in the splendid light of Christ Jesus. United we refute separation from our creator as his creations. With eyes wide open we call ourselves and each that we meet beloved children of the King.

Here's a prayer that has helped me and I hope it will help you as well. "United we refute the haze. United we refute; list out whatever it is, friends. United with Christ Jesus we are brave, strong and true in all situations. United with our Heavenly Father we can do all things in our path with grace, dignity, and mercy.  There is no haze that can keep us from our creator...thank you Heavenly Father this is true. We call on your mercy for our day. We declare victory and sweet insights of your eyes in our situations. That we know we are far from alone or abandoned we are yours. Amen".

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates

• We are home from South Dakota. I spent most of the trip driving from Wagner to Marty to do art with the kiddos there. Two out of the five days Emily was sick with food poisoning. I had to decide to just stay in Wagner with her or go out on my own. I choose to go out on my own proving that this old artsy chick still has some nerve. With your help we brought ; 110 bags of Takis chips to the Marty kids and gave them away. We were able to have 30 more bags of chips that we gave away to the Wagner kids...yes, God is all that and a bag of chips. 
• This week MU will call to schedule appointments for specialized MRI's and scans and for a week long stay at the hospital where Emily will be hooked up to try to make a seizure happen. I'm asking for continued prayers in the process, for bubble wrap of protection over the Sandymobile to get us there and back, and for bubble wrap of protection over our family. If you would like to help us with expenses; gas, travel, and stays in Columbia please let me know. 
• I'm planning on doing a set of 4 artsy classes called ; Home for the Holidays in my art studio. Each class will be a make & take style where you get to create gifts.  Look for more info on my FB; Mamasunbear2 events. 

Rocketgirl Four

When you have lost hope and think there is no way to make it through the Lord releases his goodness upon you. He moves mountains and literally breathes life into our lungs. God reignites the flame of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. He brings his lost children home with hope, confidence, and grace.  

In Rocketgirl One I shared about my broken relationship with my mom. How my brother and I are trying to navigate care for the end of her life. It has brought me to tears for the past few weeks. It has reminded me that our parents raised us to be ; smart, capable, brave, and compassionate.  My brother, David, was born with a compassionate, empathetic heart beyond my own. We share the same sense of humor and believe sarcasm is a lost art. 

I've been reminded daily of how I ran away from Des Moines. It wasn't entirely because of my relationship with my mom. I ran away to Kansas City after college. I decided to stay in KC once my dad passed away. To be like the "rocketman" that Elton John sings about floating close but far enough away to run from my own hurt and pain. 

My dad died one week before I was married in 1993.  It was horrible and has taken me years to process. After my dad's visitation my mom insisted that we stay and say good bye to our dad.  Neither my brother or I wanted to do it. My brother looked at me and I looked at him and we watched our mom and didn't move.  I finally went to his casket and felt totally broken. My brother came beside me and promised my dad he would take care of mom and not fail her. I was standing next to him and took his hand and said we both will we are in it together.

I'm brought back to that promise we made to our dad to take care of mom. There is guilt that she isn't able to live in her home. Pain that soon I'll have no parents here on this earth. At moments I'm without words. The precious blessing is my brother is reeling from the same emotions. I have my brother and he has me. 

Last Saturday on our way home from South Dakota I took a detour to Des Moines. I took the turn for Des Moines near Omaha and instantly it felt weird.  I kept seeing the signs on the interstate to turn to go south to Kansas City. I began to pray that I wouldn't turn off and just home.  God, if you intend for me to get to Des Moines you are going to have to help me stay focused and protect me; my mind, heart, and spirit beyond just bubble wrapping me in my travels. I looked out into the sky and saw it was filled with clouds like a trail heading east.  I said Holy Spirit it is going to take more than clouds to distract my brokeness and I felt like there was a beautiful gold light that was winding around my hands, arms, and body and weaving over to Emily and throughout my Sandymobile. Good distraction Holy Spirit, I'll take Wonderwoman's lasso of truth to get me to Des Moines and back to Missouri too.

Emily and I had lunch with my brother.  It was time to talk about small stuff and the larger things too. Half way through my brother said "So, do you want to go see mom today?". Inside I wanted to scream NO and grab Emily and run for it.  Instead I told him maybe we could wait a couple of weeks. David looked at me and said "Sherry, I don't know if she has a couple of weeks and I think you need to go now". Emily nodded in agreement and so did I.

David said not to let my mom offend me because she is out of it most of the time. He prepped me that she looks different from the mom that I knew from age and because she doesn't eat right because of the dementia. We got to the care center and I started to cry in the Sandymobile. God this is bigger than me and not what I had planned. I accepted that you told me in Heavenly realms my relationship with my mom would be restored. Now, I'm here ...help me.

Brilliantly the words brave, strong, and true that have been a part of my prayers came to mind. I knew it was a sign that I needed to stand brave, be strong, and stay true in my faith and not waver.  We got to my mom's room and David brilliantly became the big brother I remember as a little sister. He said "Mom, there's two people here to see you. Do you know them?". She looked and rolled her wheel chair over and looked at us and said "No, I don't know these women, do you David?".  He asked if she remembered who Sherry was and she said yes. He told her that it was Sherry and Emily and we had drove from South Dakota to see her. She asked for me to come closer. I did and she hugged me and said, "Ohh, Sherry, you came so far to see me".

She had no idea that "far" wasn't the miles it took. Far means that the little girl that she raised was a woman who loved the Lord with all her heart and trusted Him. Sherry was standing brave, strong, and true in grace gifted from God. She was standing; not cowering, not running away, standing.

We talked for a while and it was clear that although she was my mom she wasn't my mom. My mom was always OCD about things and with dementia it shows up huge; she washed her hands constantly, went to the bathroom several times, and had to fix her sink area and get towels to scrub the sink numerous times. She asked me "how is your boy doing?" and I told her about Dale. Then I realized that she probably didn't understand what I was talking about. We decided to stay while she had dinner. She brushed her hair several times and Emily looked at me. I brush my hair a lot too and have a hair brush in my car. I looked at Emily and said "apple doesn't fall far from the tree".

My mom sent David and I out into the hall and shut the door on us. It was just her and Emily in her room which freaked me out a little. The precious thing was that she wanted Emily to check her hair to make sure it was ok because "my kids will lie to me".  She and Emily got a chance to talk and Emily felt like the grandma that she loved as a little girl was there with her.

Finally, it was time to leave. I went to hug my mom goodbye and as she hugged me she said "I know your my family but will you be my friend? I really need a friend".  Then she didn't remember who I was or Emily.  As my brother hugged her she told him "thank you for bringing your friends with you".
So, yeah, Rocketgirl Four, has this Rocketgirl returning to Des Moines.  It was a heavy load but no longer a burden or pain for me. It was exactly what I needed to know; my mom loves me, my brother loves me, and although Des Moines holds some heart break for me it is still my hometown.  We stopped by a local grocery store for me to buy sauce that my friend makes and sells there. I was waiting for the butcher to slice some cheese...ok, you gotta have great cheese with the sauce. I started to cry silently. Emily was beside me and hugged me. She said "Mom you are so strong. You have been strong my whole life. Dale and I have seen you remain strong with things that would break most people but not you. Go ahead and cry and know that I will stand strong for you. It is my honor to stand strong for you now".  I absolutely love when God confirms what he says through your children; he told me to stand brave, strong, and true and now I get the joy of seeing my daughter do that for her mom.

The time with my mom broke my heart into a million pieces. There were so many very good moments and then she didn't even really know I was there. Perhaps, the time spent with her was more about me than here. More about me learning what it means to stand brave, strong, and true in the face of adversity, pain, and hurt that has no words.  Our Heavenly Father reflected beautifully how compassionate he is in the time that I could glean with my mom. He gave me a glimpse of the heavenly realms that he promised me in my prayers. For that I am thankful.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates;

• We leave tomorrow to head to Columbia, Missouri to The University of Missouri for a consult with their neurological team. They have Emily's records and have reviewed them. We are hoping they will take on her case and can find where in her brain her seizures are happening and are able to do surgery to stop the seizures. Any prayers would be appreciated. 

Rocketgirl Three

Ephesians 2:10~ “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Whose ever had their identity robbed...like a bank account or credit card?  It feels rotten and takes time and patience to sort out.  What about the premise and purpose that you came into this world with that our Heavenly Father sent you with? Have you ever felt robbed of it?

After cancer I will never be able to teach in a classroom full time again. Because of Chron's Disease and arthritis there are days this chick moves slow...like in slow motion slow.  It caused me a lot of tears and heartache when I realized I could never be a teacher in the way I once was.   I talked with my oncologist about going back to substitute teach and he axed that idea. The meds that I'm on have compromised my immunity for the rest of my life. 

Yeah, so what is a girl to do. I've known since I was five that I wanted to be a teacher. How do I answer about not earning what I once did.  How can I overcome feeling like a worthless slacker each day of my life? How do I stop my identity from being robbed?

 Every morning I wake up and declare victory on my day and ask God what should I do. I have to take some deep breaths afterwards. God has blessed me with a home where I have my art studio. He has blessed me with a spirit of courage to open my garage door and do a few art classes each month in my studio. He's challenged me and the limits of what I'll say yes to each time I go to South Dakota.

I think it's important in what we choose each day. Will I see the world through God's eyes? Or will I choose to be robbed? Do I look in the mirror to see the girl God calls his beloved daughter? Or do I see what the world roars as my identity? 

Since I came back from South Dakota it has been brutal to find my identity. Every day when I ask God what I should do I hear one word "write". Most days I crumble at the word. I know I can write but why that Lord? I'm a teacher did you forget? And, the response comes back as one word "write".

It hit me that I have been bogged down trying to interpret what "write" means. I stopped writing daily.  I've stopped writing in my journal in September.  I have been robbing myself of my identity as a writer. As I sit at the keyboard I say ; "I refute the feeling of oppression. I refute the ominous feeling I've had in my spirit since leaving South Dakota. I refute it all God and solely seek you".

Refute means to prove a statement or theory wrong or false. I found the word refute when my daughter, Emily, was diagnosed with epilepsy. She began having uncontrolled seizures at age 19. I use the word refute; "I refute Emily's seizures , I refute the diagnosis of epilepsy in Christ Jesus name and ask in Jesus name for Emily to be restored and healed". That has been my battle cry as a mom for six years.

I've never thought of the word refute for myself. There are bigger battles that people bear. Bigger challenges in the world that need the word refute. That is me being an identity thief. I've been thinking a girl that God sees as his beloved daughter isn't worthy of using the word refute for herself. We can be so darn busy fighting others battles that we forget our own. We forget who we are and our creator.

We each need to remember to take the sword that bears the name "refute" and slash what robs us of our joy, our praise, our own promise and purpose. We need to refute whatever lies we tell ourselves. God will prove them false.  Our statement is " I refute ____ in the name of Christ Jesus that calls me his beloved.  I am the daughter /son of the King of Kings and will not be judged by this world or taken out by it".

May each of us stop robbing ourselves. May our pace be slowed that we would be steady and methodical. That we would not be silenced with; fear, oppression, or distractions. That we would be the beloved children of the King.

Peace be with you- Sherry

UPDATES

• Emily will be seeing the neurological team in Columbia, Missouri at MU on November 8. They have evaluated her records and scans.  We are hopeful that they will be able to do surgery on Emily to stop her seizures.  Your prayers are appreciated.
• We will be going back to South Dakota the last week of this month.  We will be spending time at the Marty Boys and Girls Club doing art and checking in on our Wagner crew too.  We are taking donations of ; new socks & money to buy Takis chips for the Marty club. If you would like to donate to either please let me know. You can send cash donations for the chips on Venmo; Sherry-Snider-2. 

Rocketgirl Two

I'm sitting with my garage door open and praying on my neighborhood this morning and surrendering my own inadequacies to God.  As I sit here pondering I here the start of "Riders Of The Storm" by the Doors. I feel like I'm having a vision quest like Jim Morrison. I am ready for a Native American to walk on by. I laugh to myself because that could have happened last month in South Dakota but I'm back in Missouri.

I realize that I may be aging myself with these references but still the music persists in my head and keeps replaying.  I continue to try to pray over my neighbors, my ability to be light to them and the music becomes louder. I persist to keep praying and finally the music blocks me from my prayer and I start to write.

What's a vision quest? A vision quest is a supernatural experience where a person interacts with a guardian spirit that could take the form of an animal to get advice or protection. Geez, Sherry, I think you were on that reservation in South Dakota too long.  Let me explain or try to explain.  I felt like there are times when I hear or see things that God is laying out for me. I've done it since I was a kid. I actually write notes to myself with words, songs, or mental pictures.

I hear the crash of thunder from the beginning of the song and the rain that sounds thunderous in response. I feel the weight of what the world is pushing and pursuing on me, on the hubs, Emily, and Dale. It is enough to make me shriek in fear and run. Instead, I know I have to lift my arms up in total, absolute surrender not to the world but to our Heavenly Father. He has it all, he has me, he's got the hubs and our children. He will not allow his beloved children to flounder in a storm when they are meant to ride.

Yeah, like riders in a storm...good, one, Lord.  You knew it would take me until this afternoon to clarify the hippy dippy trippy images in my head. The fears that the world demands will devour each of us and we will be cast out alone.  Or is that just me? Is that just my fear of abandonment reeling it's ugly head like a rattle snake rattling and waiting to strike?

Before I can declare "victory" in Christ Jesus as I open my eyes in the morning I hear that dark refrain.  The refrain is ominous and rides into my thoughts, punches me in the gut, and kicks me. It is the wrestling of the giant that is the enemy.  As I type those words I am realizing part of why September is going to be so hard. I have to ride in the storm. Jesus, I'm a city kid with no horsemanship skills. I can barely get on a horse yet alone ride it, God. And, I hear that wonderful big booming laughter in my brain that tells me that I make the Lord roll in laughter. Then riders of the storm starts again....what is it with you, Lord, and that song today?

Lord, September has been a long trip and it isn't over yet.  I've resigned from places and experiences that I loved to pursue you, Lord. I've said "yes" when I could have said "no" to what I felt you wanted. September brings a storm of hurt, fears, and name calling. Those things that I hear in my head that the enemy presents on his silver platter "You are; stupid, worthless, no one wants you, no one needs you, be done with it already". I hand them back with "I am smart, capable, and I stand brave strong and true on the rock of Christ Jesus my Savior".

I took time to read about Riders of The Storm...thank you, google.  Lots of people have opinions. It was the last song that The Doors recorded before Jim Morrison died. Did I tell you that I've had this thing with Jim Morrison since I heard my first Doors song?  I loved the imagery, the metaphors, and the poetry of the songs. I read about Morrison and have books on his poetry which is as sketchy as my writing. Truth be told I feel a kinship somehow to Morrison because of his love of words and metaphors. The images I see help me opened my mind and connect with our Heavenly Father. The metaphors and words let me know that I'm not alone.

I think "Riders of the Storm" is in my head today because God needs me to know I'm not alone. That I am quirky which makes me different. My kids are quirky too. Did I mention that I found out that the hubs loves The Doors about 30 years ago? I think he must be a little quirky too.  I think the Lord is rallying my spirit today that I don't sit in the puddles of the storm. I don't hide in fear. I ride in the storm. I was designed with a different path.  That's why I see the world differently, talk in metaphors, draw, and write.

It occurs to my the song isn't Rider of the Storm but Riders. My heart melts thinking of the hubs, Emily, and Dale. We are riders and I sense that we aren't the only riders in this storm for this month at this particular time. There are others and I hear the word "limited supply"...what, Lord, like Aldis with their seasonal items?  The laughter rolls again with the words "few and far between, exquisite light, truth, and bravery". Ohh, God, you had me at exquisite.

Hoping this helps another....it has helped me.  Know whatever storm you are going through our Heavenly Father has your back, walks beside you, and lights your path.

Peace be with you- Sherry

UPDATES

• I started weekly infusions rather than do daily meds for the cancer nodules in my stomach. It was something I did before losing my health insurance and something that I've got to start back up.  
• Dale has two jobs working with two teams on research studies at Northwest. One will pay him. Not a lot but it will help him to be independent. 
• Emily went to her neurologist appointment. She started to have vertigo, have trouble walking and wasn't coherent when she was talking.  The good news is that it happened about 45 minutes before we got to Dr Seeley's office and continued during the appointment. 
• I was the sole advocate for Emily and we talked about surgery for her.  He is going to send her records and scans to KU for their evaluation to see if they can find what is happening in her frontal lobe. The good news is they do frontal lobe surgery at KU.  The scary news is that surgery is Emily's only hope of being seizure free. 
• After Emily's appointment the Sandymobile would not start.  It couldn't be jump started. There was a guy that was trying to help me when Ted got to the hospital. We had to get a new battery and are praying that was the cause of the problem. 
• We are behind in our house payments by a month and got a letter demanding $1,300 today by October 13. We will check with the bank to see if we can get a loan for the money to try to save our home. 
• Ted still have the lump in his prostrate. There is a co-pay for him to get an ultrasound so he's putting it off. 
• I'm going to call my brother for an update on my mom tomorrow. Continued prayers as we navigate to help her.  

Rocketgirl One

I'll admit it this morning I have Rocketman by Elton John in my head.  The beginning where the lyrics talk about packing up, kissing your loved ones, and heading out to space.  Last night I got I phone call from my brother about my mom. She is in the hospital and her health has vastly depleted over the course of the year. He found my mom on the couch, unresponsive, and called for help.  He shared that he thinks she needs more care than he knows how. I could hear what was unsaid in his voice.

I asked if I it was good for me to go to Des Moines and he told me no.  The lyric "it's gonna be a long, long time....long, long time because I'm a rocketman" is playing in the background as I write this and I'm completely in tears. 

I said to my brother "thank you for caring for her, David, thank you" and told him to call me anytime night or day to talk or discuss what to do or where to go next.  We talked about what he is doing and what I'm doing.  I told him about South Dakota this summer and he just laughed.  He knew the kid sister that was a city girl that went to the prairies of South Dakota as a kid.  I told him the vastness that I feel when I'm there.  Like I was meant to be there and he told me that he felt the same way. 

I talked about my kids and he said "Dale is the smart one that is going to be the brains of our family". As I type that I cry a little more. My dad once said "Sherry you are the smart one that will go places" and I never went further than Missouri.

I guess at this point I should give you some background about the family I grew up with.  There were four of us; my dad, my mom, my brother, and me.  I was close to both my parents. My dad died one week before my wedding and I still miss my confident that walked on this Earth. My mom and I were super close until a few years ago.  She exploded with anger and rage and accused me of things that weren't mine ....they were my dad's. Things that he had done. That happened each time I saw her. I thought she was angry and I was ok with being her punching bag.  If it helped my mom heal then so be it.  That wasn't the case.

Years ago after a blow up with my mom she called and wanted me to come and talk with her. I drove to Des Moines with my kids. I met my mom for lunch in Des Moines at her house. As they played outside she told me about her relationship with my dad.  She told me that she was going to divorce my dad but found out she was pregnant with me. What she told me left me feeling like a little girl that was scared and alone.

She told me that she never wanted me and that I ruined her and my brother's life.  That I should just stay away and they would and could be happy.  I completely fell apart inside. Through tears I loaded my kids in the car and drove back to Missouri.  Within two weeks I had a letter from my mom's lawyer telling to me cease speaking to her or coming within 10 feet of where she would be.

 A year after that meeting my daughter got a card for Valentines Day from my mom. My daughter had always been close to my mom so I let her open it. She found a note that said to tell her mom that grandma was having brain surgery and had cancerous masses in her brain. The rocketgirl was ready to zoom back to Des Moines to be there for her brother and mom.  I zoomed to the phone and my brother told me it would be best if I stayed in Missouri.  He would call me once the surgery was done.

That left me time to ponder. It made sense why my mom went off the deep edge. She had something in her brain causing her to lose her memories, right? Once the surgery was done she would be back to being my mom, right? Not really.  I've had letters I wrote returned, phone calls never returned and been told by my mom on the phone that she doesn't have a daughter. 

I am blessed that when I was diagnosed with cancer I wanted to talk to my mom.  The mom that raised me, helped me know Jesus, loved to read, and loved me.  I prayed for a week before I made that call.  Please God let me get the mom who loved me. I did get that mom who told me to fight, to do what the doctors say, and to not be her. 

The last time we met my mom and brother for pizza in Des Moines she whispered in my ear "I love you but don't come back". I haven't. There have been times I wanted to go see friends in Des Moines but don't. In my mind I hear "one side of town your dad is buried and the other side your mom doesn't want you".

With my mom it could be her health conditions, pent up anger, or old age that has caused a rif in our relationship or the things she told me at that lunch years ago were the truth.  It is the truth that I fear.  It has been something in my life that has been heartbreaking for me.

This summer in South Dakota I could feel September was going to be a hard month. Hard for our family and it is. I don't know what it is about South Dakota but my thoughts are free to connect with God. He prepped his beloved daughter and yet this morning I'm crying and surrendering it all to my creator, the one that calls me daughter, and whispers come back.

It's spurred me to write a few blogs on being a "rocketgirl" in hopes it will free my spirit and yours.  I mean who doesn't have a great relationship with their mom? I want to answer me but I feel God saying there are lots of them out there, child, you are not alone.

Peace be with you- Sherry

Updates:

• It's been a hard September and we are only two weeks in.  Here are some prayer requests for our family and some of the heartache beyond just my mom.  
• Dale returned to NWMSU and Emily stayed behind to live with us for a while longer.  We need to straighten out her loan situation and press forward with finding a solution to her uncontrolled seizures. 
• The hubs has numerous health concerns with diabetes.  He also found a lump two days ago and we are going to the doctor today. 
• I've put off weekly infusions this summer and have a consult with my oncologist next Wednesday.  
• Prayers for my ability to write a series of my experiences in South Dakota that could be published with proceeds going to my church family in South Dakota.  
• Prayers for my mom that she would have a day or more of absolute clarity where she is the mom that my brother & I grew up with. My brother needs to find paperwork about her insurance and other matters. If she had a good day she could show my brother where all the paperwork is and answer questions for him.  
• I start art classes in my art studio next week.  I'm hoping that I can be a consistent wave of hope, light, and grace in our community through art.  
• I will be starting an artsy bible study on Monday nights 7-8:30. We will watch a short video, talk, write notes of praise and prayer requests, and then work on artsy junk journals. Please come, invite others and spread the word...its a freebie night of creativity and faith. 

  

...praying

....praying


Yes, that is what I wrote to my missionary friend in Japan.  He'd posted to pray over the kiddos as they head back to school. In my head I thought, really, that's it, Sherry ?  My mind was busily thinking about writing a blog over the words "you really like me".

Hmm, maybe it was a reminder of whom I've been.  I've been that kid that felt like nothing is working and I'm checking out.  I was in eighth grade.  My family life was a mess and I felt like my only way out was to die. It hit me as I typed praying that is the kid in Japan that I'm praying over.  The kid that has no voice and no words for the sadness that reaps their joy.  The kid that believes the darkness of death would be better than walking in the light.

It hits me as I write that's not only in Japan. That is here in Pleasant Hill where I live.  I'm sitting north so that's for the kids that are in Blue Springs, Lee's Summit, and KC.  Then my mind goes further north to the kids in South Dakota that I know and those that are unknown.

The vastness of it...ohh, Lord, just bubble wrap each child, each student, allow your light and goodness to sink in where there feels there is only darkness. ROAR like a lion over them, break the spell that has been cast over them that it would shatter, crumble, and be blown away never to take root in another child or adult that walks the Earth.

Today is not a day to write about being liked by God but about what it looks like to feel unliked and unloved by Him. Today is a day to break the cycle and to pray over people; child & adult in a resound battle cry to our Heavenly Father; "ROAR".

ROAR is the cry I use for myself that encourages, surrounds, and surpasses my understanding. It instantaneously rallies peace in my heart, mind, and spirit.  It allows me to see a speck of light in the vastness of darkness until daybreak. ROAR, DADDY, ROAR.

Amen...peace be with you

Sherry

PS

The pic is the cubbies that line the hall leading to the Boys And Girls Club in Marty South Dakota.  The kids had helped carry in what they said was "The Marty Mall" with bins of shoes & clothing & socks we brought with us.  I snapped this pic before we left Marty that afternoon to remind me that God always sees the way before me all I have to do is say "yes".  I may not have met all the Marty kids this trip but I'm hoping to meet more in October.

In October I would like to take Takis ; its chip the kids love in Marty.  If you would like to order some Takis via Walmart or Amazon and have them delivered to South Dakota let me know. I'll give you an address.