Straggler

All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the sins of us all.   - Isaih 53:6 Remember going on fieldtrips when you were little and there were always the kids at the back of the group known as the "stragglers"?  Heck, maybe you were the "straggler" on field trips.  As a kid they drove me nuts because we never could get through a field trip without the "straggler" holding us up. As a teacher I was always willing to be the "back of the line leader" on field trips.  Why?  Because those "stragglers" usually had a whole other sense of time, imagination, and whimsy about them that I loved.  I loved to let them explain the workings of a the firetruck,  how they knew the brushstrokes on a piece of artwork, or that they noticed the giant columns at a museum and wondered how they stood up.  All those questions and information that lots of adults, teachers, and peers found annoying or strange I found fascinating.  It's no doubt when class lists were assigned that I found myself with the dreamers and schemers of the school. The past couple of weeks have been daunting on me as a woman, a mom, and wife.  My doctor's want me to have a colonoscopy.  Emily, my precious daughter, had another seizure.  I'm fighting to get a neurologist here in KC to see her.  As a wife I've been allowing little things to hurt me and say nothing about it.   And, as a woman, I've been praying out to God to show me my path, destiny, and worth because most days I feel like a confused sheep roaming around.  Yes, I've become the "straggler".  In life I've been a take charge kind of gal.  One that people can ask and rely on to get things done.  I've toned down my ways to be less abrasive & more compassionate over the years.  Yet, most days I fight with being abrasive, abrupt, and mean.  Yeah, the sweet little artsy chick that goes with the flow....that is me at the core.  But there is a much more abrasive, brash, and downright mean girl that is there always and just doesn't want to leave or be suppressed. And, these past couple of weeks I've been struggling with an inner dialogue.  The mean girl wants out because her hubby forgot about date night, she can't get a return call for the neurologist office.  I've never not worked since I was 16 in some capacity.  And, this year, I'm home, hanging out, going to my doctor's appointments and being creative.  I see daily the blessing of my hubby going to work daily.  That his college education he went back and got is finally paying off and that is what blesses me with the ability to stay home and do what I want.  I see the blessing of having a hubby who forgets date night rather than no hubby.  And, those phone calls to the neurologist that I've been making, hey the blessing is that I've got a referral from Em's primary doc and I've got time to hound them.  But then the mean girl shows up and all those blessing are a wash.  She's ready to yell, complain, and get her way any way possible.  You hurt her by forgetting date night?  Well, you are gonna pay, hubby. That neurologist that won't call back they are gonna get more than a squeaky wheel call they are gonna get the motherload.  And, as for myself being creative she is gonna blow me away with self doubt and hearing "you'll never make any money in art so forget it". What are we to do when that mean girl shows up?  How do we silence her before her rampage on us, our family, and others happens?  These past couple of weeks I've silenced her by being quiet about it, letting things hurt me, and break my heart.  And, I know who the mean girl is....it's not me.  It's the enemy who knows where this "straggler" has been, whose she's been, and what she's capable of.  The enemy has taken me for a ride the past couple of weeks.  Uggh, I'm heartsick about it.  I want to be the kind, generous, loving artsy chick that God created but that gal is getting suppressed by what the enemy is doing to her daughter, her marriage, and her life.  As I read my Bible last week I came on Isaih 53:6.  I just can't let that verse go.  And, as I read it this morning it occurred to me that God is trying to wake me up through it.  He is telling me that overcame all that mean girl stuff for me and the enemy has no power over me so stop giving him it.  Wowsies, could it be that simple?  Shoot, I know I'm stubborn, smart, and capable of what God has planned for me. Then why am I giving power to the mean girl?  How can I let God's truth shine through me like a beacon and silence the mean girl? This week I'm going to get out my journal.  I'm going to list 3 of my troubles, sorrows, and upsets in it.... I need to limit those, can I get an amen?  And, then I'm gonna thank my Heavenly Father for each of them because they are a blessing to get this smart, capable, loving gal on her path again to see who God has designed her to be.  He wants me to remind Ted of date night, He wants me to make calls to the neurologist and push for Emily, and He wants me to have time to get my health in order and has designed me with a hubby that allows me to be creative.  Wowsies, the mean girl isn't talking anymore....she's silenced. Hope this challenge will be rewarding to each of you this week. What a force we could be if we can silence the enemy and all those mean girl antics.  Imagine what we can do for ourselves and our families when our hearts, souls, and imaginations are with our Heavenly Father.  I'm up for the challenge....all I can say now is "baaaaahh" like a sheep that is back on track. Updates:  *These are short and brief.  I need prayers this week for the following: 1. Pray that I can get an appointment for Emily scheduled with a neurologist this week. 2. Pray that I get my colonoscopy appointment scheduled.  3. Pray that God helps direct my path as I start to write a Kickstarter for the creative art program that I would like to do for kids & adults in my artroom.  I've prayed about it and feel compelled in my heart, mind, and spirit to offer classes.  Peace be with you all- Sherry

The Ultimate Fixer

  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Ephesians 4:2

Have you ever had the blessing of going back in time?  Me neither.  But I keep getting indited with articles via the web & news about writing letters to your younger self.  It had me thinking over the past week about what I would write, say, and even the timeliness of writing.  

Then I thought what age would I choose to write to?  Would it be the shy little kindergarten Sherry?  The one whose kindergarten teacher thought was a mute?  Yeah, I'm far from that as my mom told my teacher.  My mom also shared that I was a clever observer that watched and chose what and who I interacted with.  

Or would it be the seventh grade Sherry that had her world rocked and rolled both literally and figuratively.  She was the straight of the board preppy gal that went to junior and turned into a mouthy, belligerent kid.  How does that happen?  Well, throw in her mama going back to work full time & a dad that got injured at work .  Then sprinkle into the mix a brother she had always counted on who turned into a full blown alcoholic who was verbally abusive and like to throw her against a wall for good measure.  Yeah, that Sherry, needed more than a letter to soothe her spirit and had no idea that God was wanting for her....she knew of him but didn't trust him or anyone else. 

But, hey, what about the Sherry that was a mess by high school.  Yeah, she looked sweet on the outside but inside she was filled with hurt and felt betrayed by her family.  That might be a good one to try to connect to. This Sherry was determined to get done with high school, her family, and go onto college as fast and furious as she could.  She even tried to graduate a year early to get away from her family.  And, when they refused to sign the paperwork she just jipped the good part of her junior year to shop, go for "breakfast clubs", or hang with friends that were as disgruntled as she was or more.   Yeah, that Sherry wasn't about to stop to read a letter from some "old chick" in their 40's .  I can hear in my ears what I wrote in my English class journal when asked what age was too old, "40 would be too old you start to wrinkle need I say more?".  Yeah, high school Sherry was a real gem.  

What about my early college years?  That Sherry might have taken the time to listen or read a letter.  Yeah, and then she would have corrected the spelling, grammar, and wrote comments on it.  That Sherry was an English major whose soul driving force was getting done and getting on with her life.  She had goals, ambitions, and lists.  Yes, there was a list for cities she wanted to live in before she hit that ominous 40 mark.  A list for : what her hubby would have, top 10 things she wanted to have, and the lists go on.  She was a member of "boyfriend of the week" club as her dad called it.  Why?  She didn't have time for the boys in college and sure as heck wasn't gonna marry one of them.  Her world came to grinding halt her junior year when her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Maybe that Sherry would have read the letter but more than likely she would have called her dad about it and talked to him.  

In reality what I discovered is a Sherry from each time period that was head strong, feeling but not in a mushy way, and wouldn't let anyone or thing stop her.  My motto even as a little kid was the same as my dad's motto.  I saw my dad as a leader, strong, confidant, and a friend.  He was able to "fix" things.  He was a mechanic by trade but he was more than that.  People came to my dad and he "fixed" things for them whether it be a car, a loan, or other stuff.  That is what he did.  And he was no different as a dad.  He "fixed" my brother's DWI's, got him jobs, and more.  For me he was always there to ask questions to and share my hurts.  He told me as a little girl when I whined that some kids were mean that for every 10 people in the world there is always one that will hate you. He went on to say that I needed to find the other 9 that would love me.  And, he "fixed" science projects for me....he built them and I just explained them.  He "fixed" when I dyed my hair punk black by making an appointment to have it changed & told me school was not a funeral.  My dad was always there for my brother & I.  We always knew that if we had a problem to go to dad he would"fix" it.

In reality, I would love to write a letter that 6 year old Sherry and 20 something year old Sherry would understand.  It would say this " You want a strong, confident and capable Father that can take care of all of your worries, hurts, and problems.  Look no further than here.  Love, God".  

Well, in reality, my younger self would have looked at the letter and laughed.  God, I didn't need.  I had the "fixer" as a dad here on earth. But my world got rocked when my dad died a week before my wedding.  I detested for the next couple of years when anyone would mention their dad.  When I said the Lord's Prayer in church I cried like a baby because I didn't want that heavenly father I wanted my dad, the earthly one, the "fixer".  Still to this day I find a day in February and one in May to be really hard for me.  Why?  Because they remind me that my earthly "fixer" is gone and that the heavenly father took him from me.  I mourn in my heart, spirit, and tears to have my dad just here to "fix" things and make my world right.  People tell you that time heals your heart and mind .  But I've longed for the "fixer" to be here with me, talk & laugh with me, and "fix" whatever needed fixing.  

My brother & I talked years ago and said that was the hardest thing to except with our dad's death.  That our earthly "fixer" wasn't here and we had no idea how to trust God and if we should.  Isn't it remarkable  that through the years that heavenly Father has stuck it out with me, changed my heart, enlightened my mind, and opened my eyes to the world around me.....he showed me it's not just about me, my wants, or concerns.  It's about me celebrating that I've got a heavenly father, knowing that I can go to him with all my worries, cares, and joys and share them with him.  That I know I can talk with my heavenly father just like my earthly one and that I know in my heart and spirit he cares for me, gave his son for my salvation, and wants to hear from me regularly.....yeah, probably more than a call once a week like with my earthly dad.  And, I absolutely love that!  I can talk with him, share with him, burden his ears with my junk, and thank him for my salvation.  That is really what a "fixer" should be.  

After writing this blog guess what I did?  I cried and then I wrote a letter but it wasn't to my younger self.  It was a letter to Sherry here and now.  Know what it says?  " You want a strong, confident and capable Father that can take care of all of your worries, hurts, and problems.  To share in all your joys? Look no further than here.  Love, God".   And I put in an envelope and placed in my purse.  I thought you know I could really use that letter on even my best days and on the worst.  I've got a father that is better than a "fixer" he is my rock & salvation.

Blessings- Sherry

Updates:  

1.  I go to get my blood work done and check in with my doctor next week (April 8).  Pray that all the levels are somewhat normal and my fears dissipate.  My next appointment with the Cancer Institute and Donna is on April 15.

2. April 15 is the day that Emily can enroll for summer school classes at Longview.  

3. I want to thank each of you for praying for our family last year and this year.  For all of you that have reached out to us, helped us, and encouraged us you a remarkable.  Know that I've started to write thank you notes but I get all weepy with each....but know they are in the works. 

4. If you want to drop off any Reese's eggs with me feel free.  I need to ensure quality control & freshness on them this year....wahahhaha.

5.  This week I finished sanding, priming, and painting my kitchen cabinets....it is by God's grace that I'm tired and achy but not defeated.

6. Many of you have home churches that you'll go to on Easter.  If not feel free to attend at Echo Church (it's where our family calls home) here in Pleasant Hill, Missouri.  And, if that is too far of a drive feel free to use the "livestream" link from the church to watch it at home.  Here's a link:  http://echochurch.tv/watch-live/ .

Three C's : Confidence, Celebration, and Conviction

 Psalm 54 : Save me, O God, by your name;
    vindicate me by your might.
² Hear my prayer, O God;
    listen to the words of my mouth.

³ Arrogant foes are attacking me;
    ruthless people are trying to kill me—
    people without regard for God.^[c]

⁴ Surely God is my help;
    the Lord is the one who sustains me.

⁵ Let evil recoil on those who slander me;
    in your faithfulness destroy them.

⁶ I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
    I will praise your name, Lord, for it is good.
⁷ You have delivered me from all my troubles,
    and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

Over the past month I've been praying about God's path for myself.  What he intends for me to do work wise and creative wise. Mid month I decided that I needed to re-group my mission statement.  What's that?  Well, I had to right one back in the day at NWMSU in one of my education classes.  It's been the same for each school that I've taught and pretty much summed up my life & views.  I took it out and re-read it and thought, geez, Sherry.  I really do believe in that old mission statement but my world has become bigger and my views have too with time.  I'm not the same 20 something ....in reality I'm a forty something that feels like I need to be re-schooled & write a newbie mission statement.  That was something that I thought, sure, that will take a day.  But it's been two months and I still haven't got it wrote.

I've been diving deeper and deeper into my faith over the past month.  I've been blessed to be talking to friends, family, and peers about our faith journeys.  It's been remarkable and a little daunting at times. Through it all I've been gathering what I believe, stand for, and the premise for my path in this world. I can say that as a "forty something" I know that I will never change the world....that's just too idealistic for me and I'm getting old....lol.  

Last week I talked with a gal pal from Des Moines.  She and I were talking about God, church, and how we interplay with both. How our worlds have been rocked by God and her ministry within her church. I shared with her I was trying to write a mission statement.  I asked her "what's your mission statement for Christ?".  She told me she felt that she's been called to music ministry.  She was always gifted as a singer & musician.  She told me that it would be "to glorify God through her voice and music".  I talked with another gal pal and asked the same question.  She told me it would be to work with the homeless.  We talked about how when our kiddos were little we used to have them help make 20-50 brown bag specials with us.  Our kids would make PB sandwiches and homemade cookies.  We would take and bag one sandwich with a cookie in each bag.  Then load the coolers with ice and bottled waters and head into downtown KC. As we drove we asked God to keep us safe and take us to the people he would intend.  And, yup, we went under the viaducts, to the parks, and lots of places with our wheely coolers, brown bag specials and kids.  Finally, I talked with another friend who shared that they felt compelled to go out to the lowest of the low in the world.  I asked them what is "lowest of the low".  They told me it would be the drug addict, alcoholics, and others in need.  

All these mission statements and conversations have been rolling through my mind and spirit.  I've been digging into the scriptures and praying for God's intervention in my own path to help me to what he intends.  It led me to a wacky dream last week that stuck with me.  Ever had one of those?  Well, here's mine.  

I was at a marketplace ....yeah, those of you that know me know I love to shop.  How perfect, right?  Well, I wandered around and felt totally relaxed.  I then remember looking for a way out and it seemed more like a labyrinth than a marketplace.  I felt panic in my heart and nothing was familiar.  Suddenly, I came to a shop that was way too familiar.  It contained lots of stuff that I once had.  How could I not go in and start to browse around, right?  I picked up a purse that I had in high school and someone yelled and grabbed my arm and said, "Redemption?".  I was totally puzzled and scared as I stood there with the purse in my hand and he said again, "Redemption....how will you pay?".  All I could think of was a picture of Christ that I've got in my head from being a kid.  At that my arm was dropped and a door was there which I opened and I woke up.  And, yeah, my heart was racing and I was a little freaked out.  What did I do?  I started to journal.  

I wrote the words "what a crazy dream" and the word "redemption" at the top of the page. Then I went on to write about my dream.  I then wrote about talking with my friends about their mission.  I wrote about how if we stick to one specific mission that we might miss people in our path that God wants us to connect with.  Why?  Because they don't fit our criteria for our mission.  Why?  Because I know what it feels like to be one of the lowest of the low.  I shared this thought with Ted and he completely understood what I was thinking because he lived it with me.  God gave Ted to me to have life experiences that would lead us both to God's "redemption" in our lives.

What if  the cheery, positive newbie school teacher kept a makeup kit in her car & classroom with concealer and foundation to cover the bruises on her face and arms when she goes to work each day.  She never knows what morning she would have a new one.  It is through God's redemption that a fellow newbie teacher sees her go into my classroom one morning looking "rough".  She knocks on the door and finds her in tears behind the cubbies near a mirror trying to make herself look "bright and cheery" for the world.  She could see that she may look "bright and cheery" each day but her heart and spirit were broke.  She prays with her, doesn't judge her, and goes each morning to her room to do the same.  Would that young teacher count as "lowest of the low"?

What about the abusive hubby that finds himself without a home?  Because after a few years of abuse his wife stood up for herself and got a restraining order?  Would they take him into their home for dinner or approve of letting him sleep on the floor in a church basement?  Would they believe it when he told them that he saw the Bible in the moonlight, picked it up, read from it and gave his life to Christ?  Or, because he looks like the fun, preppy, young dad and hubby would they walk away from him and look for another soul to save?  Would they never realize it was him that was there in front of them that needed God's redemption?

My examples could be endless but these two are my own.  If it were not for God's intervention in my and Ted's marriage our lives twenty years ago we would have continued to be lost, broken, and walking shells of what God had planned for us.  But God gifted us with people that loved the Lord. His loved gleaned through them and their actions. And, yes, it took me a while to give up that God doesn't count my failures and that he has never wrote me off but I got it. I realize that God's "redemption" was there all along for me. 

I realized that my challenge is to treat each person I come into contact with God's love.  If that means a small note in the mail, a dinner for a family, or when I have them on my heart and mind praying for them.  I realized that my newbie mission statement needs to include my ability to serve God in a way that "redemption" won't only be mine but to those around me.  I'm still writing that mission statement as I pray about the future and what I'm going to do.  I'm excited about the idea of working creatively, teaching adults and kids.  In my "perfect" world I'd be able to fund supplies myself and each child could come to my artroom free of cost.  Well, I do have a ton of stuff but that's not realistic.  I've been praying on how to make the workshops I want to provide affordable to anyone that would want to attend them.  Feel free to pray about that for me.  And, if you know someone that knows how to help fund "special projects" send them my way.

All, that said, what is your "mission statement" for life?  Does it differ from the mission statement of what you can do for Christ?  Is there a way to mesh both of them for God's glory and to fulfill what he intends for you life? I think in my heart and spirit there is.  I'm still working on that but would love to hear your perspective.  I'd love to hear what you do daily, weekly, yearly for God and how it all works for you.  Feel free to comment, send my an email, etc.  

Blessings -Sherry

Update:

  

I got the pink sink & toilet for the artroom....and I'm tickled pink about them.

Last Friday, our dryer went out.  Ted went to replace the belt on it, started it up and there was a power surge in our house and sparks flew. We are blessed to have our washer still working, quarters for the laundromat in the kitchen piggy bank, and a local laundromat to dry our stuff.  We are saving for a used dryer.  

Ted & I have been having some real, open conversations about our faith.  I love what the "bread of life" cards have done for our world.  It truly has opened us up to talking to one another again about everything.  He shared with me that he was so thankful that we went to the Crossroads and he got to see me in my "element".  He said he got a peek at who I once was before he knew me & what is important to my spirit.  Love that he shared that....way to go, Tedster!

My Betsy Bravada is overheating....that would be my car.  I had to cancel my Cancer Institute doctor's appointment for the month because of it.  I was worried about going down there and not getting back safely.  We've contacted a friend about looking at it when he has a chance.  And, I was able to giggle today as I had a hot flash.  My Betsy Bravada must be having some sympathy pains for me and having "hot flashes" too.

Emily will enroll in classes for the summer on April 15th.  Pray for her.  

I've got two craft shows in April.  Pray that I'm able to do each for God's glory.  I've got some ideas of what I want to make but nothing is a for sure.  I'm hoping that God guide my path creatively as to what I should make or do to take to them.  That is on my "to do" list for the week. 

 Dale's birthday is on the 28th.  I'm blessed to have him for 15 years and thankful that God gave me a kindred spirit in the world that loves brownies, art, dogs, and learning.  If you see Dale this week or this weekend wish him a happy birthday.  We are planning on going to Nelson Atkins on Sunday to celebrate.  Last year, Dale, wanted to go there for an exhibit but I felt so rotten that we couldn't but this year we are going! 

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

"These things write I unto you, that ye sin not.  And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus the righteous" 1 John 2:1

This week has been challenging to say the least.  My blood work has came back not good for the second month in a row.  I've got cramping and nausea most days.   I'm facing on my worst fears next week at my doctor's appointment down at St. Luke's.  I honestly can say I thought that I had it together and was just going to go through the motions, find the "wins" daily, and make it through the year just fine being accountable to myself, my family, and friends with my health.  Well, all those old fears are back just like old friends & they come nagging at me.

Isn't it crazy how some blood work can make you want to run for the hills?  What about that conversation that I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend that totally hurt my spirit.  I went to talk with them to share about blogging and my experiences and questions that I get from people.  I just was hoping for some straight answers & direction.  I wound up feeling more confused than ever. 

I went and tried talking to my hubby which didn't help.  It wasn't that he was unkind, unhelpful, or discouraging he was just blunt, to the point, and was gonna solve my "problems" before I could even tell him what they were.  I love the hubby for wanting to be my knight in shining armor but please let me tell you what to save me from.  Can I get an amen to that? 

The worst of past week was when I had a friend tell me that I wouldn't feel so "jumpy" about stuff if I would simply tell everyone my sins and who I really am.  Ohh, that has troubled my heart the most.  I feel like I'm a pretty open book.  If anyone asked me about my past I would tell them or if I knew I could help someone by what I've experienced I would be there for them.  But to "confess" to the world every last detail of my life, well, to be honest, all I could think of was the "ain't nobody got time for that" gal. 

My remarkable blessing is that made me laugh.  To think of writing this week and telling you absolutely everything and more about me, my life, and journey.  And, it had me sit down and thank God that I've got him.  He's the one that does have time "for all of that".  He is the one that I should be confiding those fears in.  The one that I need to ask to mentor and guide my path.  I need to talk to him and ask him to help me acknowledge people that he is placing in my world that are willing to mentor, listen, and help me with all questions I've got.  And know what the best part is?  He knows me, has since before I was born, and has loved me through all of it.  I ran across the verse from 1 John 2:1 and as I've read and meditated on it this week I think I'm on to something....God is our best "advocate" and all that we need. 

 My grandparents had a little box with "bread of life" cards in them. My Grandpa Hout was a farmer.  He and my grandma used their "bread of life" cards every morning.  They would draw one out, read the thought, and then read the scripture.  He and my grandma would talk about it as they had coffee and then pray together for their own and family's needs.  That is something that has stuck with me as a kid.  It was just a time between the two of them.  They were so connected, sincere, and I could tell those conversations were important to them.  I've had my own set of "bread of life" cards like my grandparents for years.  Maybe instead of hoarding them to myself I need to open up about them and ask my hubby into my world.  I think maybe this is a way God is "advocating" for my spirit right now....by using something smallish that I have and is dear to my soul.  Using this to create a way for his glory to be had not only in my life but my family's lives.

Last night I told Ted about my mug filled with "bread of life" cards.  I explained to him about my grandparents and asked if he would be willing to do what they did with me.  Know what?  He did it.  It didn't take a lot of time but gave us each time to talk about what we read and about ourselves and family. 

Update For the Week:

1. Emily talked with the gal for financial aid at Longview. She thinks that Emily's A+ scholarship can be re-activated possibly by this fall semester or next January at the latest.  God is good!

2. Emily met with Voc-Rehab again this week.  There have been some changes to the program but I've got faith that Emily can still get a scholarship with them.  We may have to pay for her books but her summer tuition should be covered.  God is good!

3. My art room is coming right along.  We went to Habitat for Humanity Re-Store last weekend.  I found the best thing ever for the artroom.  A pink toilet and pink sink!  I'm hoping by April we can get it put into the artroom and I can start to plan on doing workshops from home.  God is good!

4. I'm blessed to have a gal pal that works downtown and is going to meet me following my doctor's appointment and we are going to do lunch.  It's always better to face your fears if you get bribed with lunch with a gal pal, right?  God is good!

5. We worked really hard as a family this past week doing yardwork.  Our leaves are raked up from the winter.  We cleaned out all my front yard flower beds.  We cleaned up our stairs and porch at the front door.  And, best of all I painted the front door. The paint was looking sad to say the least .  I told Em that it really made me sad and so we picked out a pale blue for the door and painted it.  It may not be perfect but it's cheery and lets me feel like my home is a small sanctuary from the world. Funny, how a coat of paint can do that.

Don't Get Around Much Anymore

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)



This past week has been ahh-mazing and eye opening for me.  After doing my blood work it wasn't the best.  But they assured me it could be as simple as I'm getting a cold.  They do my blood work again this afternoon.  I'm hoping the results are better but I didn't really rest and stay home either since my last visit.  I've also got pain on my side that gets pretty intense at times which could mean a ton of things if I let my mind wander.  I've been dealing with it through prayer and letting God take over until my appointment today.  

As I was getting ready this morning I heard the song, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" and just had to laugh.  That could be my theme song for the last year and half.  And, now I really do feel better and want to do so much...gotta make up for lost time.  Ted & I went on our first real date night in a long time last Friday.  We went down to the Crossroads district in KC for first Fridays. 

 I was blessed a couple of weeks ago with an artist down there that contacted me.  They offered up part of their workshop/ studio to me while I get mine in order which floored me.  And, they didn't want to charge me they just wanted to help me.  When I asked them why they said they had seen the Valentine boxes that I made and loved them.  That just makes me giggle and so I wanted to go and check out their space.   What happened while I was down there was something more than just a date night or checking out the scene.  I was taken back in time to who I was in high school.  The citygirl that loved the art scene, dabbled in it, and supported her friends at events at studios.  And, the citygirl whose mom told her to pick a career that she would never make any money as an artist.  

Yeah, if I were honest an old wound was opened up for me thinking about my mom.  Her lack of enthusiasm for the arts, buying me materials to use, or even taking me to the art lessons that I won as a kid hurt.   I know that she & I reconciled that years ago when I had my kids.  She was sharing that your kids will love what you love and expose them to most times.  She shared with me how as a preschooler that I would beg her to take me to the art center in Des Moines and would stand in front of a painting for hours if she let me.  Art was something that my mom appreciated but not something that she wanted to spend time looking or doing.   My mom thought there was better ways to spend time to be really honest.  She loved nature and the outdoors.   I was blessed to have my neighbor, Ginny Brown, that would take me not only to the art center but galleries.  She exposed to me theater, music, and fun foods which I loved as a little girl.  My mom told me that she was jealous of my relationship with my neighbor lady and that is why she took me to the art center that one time.   And, she saw that I wasn't like her while we were there.  That I loved it art and she felt blessed that Ginny Brown was there for me.

As all those memories of who I was came flooding back last Friday it made me stop and think. It's took me 45 years to define who I am, what I stand for, my integrity, and deal breakers.  It also made me think about this blog.  I've had some great talks with friends about it. And, I've had to define in emails about my faith and who I am.  This made me think of why I chose to believe in God.  Why I've chosen to serve in the life of the churches that I've attended and for what purpose.  With that I made a timeline of sorts about why I've served in church & my purpose.  Here's the motto that I came up with.   I served because I wanted others to know about Christ through my words and actions. That statement makes sad inside. Know why?  Because through "my" words and actions.  Why do I think that I need credit or can in any way wiggle in on God?  I'm a list gal and so I wrote down when and why I served and I was even sadder.

• When I was in high school they needed Sunday School teachers.  I offered to teach. After talking with my pastor I was allowed.  He had faith that I would do a good job and so did I.  I really wanted to pay it back to my mom for taking me and letting me learn about God.  What happened is that the kids in my class loved me and vice versa.  But some of the adults at my congregation didn't think it was right to have a high school kid teaching. My pastor came to me at Christmas and told me that it was nothing that I had done but my age and they would find someone for my class.  That was crushing to my spirit and made me never want to serve in the life of a church again.
• The next time that I went to church regularly was when I was pregnant with Emily.  Shortly, after she was born they needed a Preschool Sunday School teacher and I volunteered for a small group of 5 boys. These boys had even the most seasoned Sunday School teachers quitting.  I told the pastor if he would let me do it I would be fine.  I taught a group of 25 students everyday and those 5 boys had nothing on me.  And he allowed me to take Emily with me to teach.  It was a total win win for years.  And, as I taught Sunday School I thought about my Grandpa Hout.  He taught Sunday School for years.  He had kids coming and was loved by each of them because he cared.  Yeah, I was sure that teaching Sunday School was a pay it forward for my Grandpa Hout and all the kids that he taught. 
• While teaching Sunday School I became involved with the board of education, the missions board and LWML.  Missions and LWML were important parts of my Grandma Hout's world and so I was paying it forward to her.  And, if I'm really honest I used the church as a safe sanctuary for Emily & I.  My marriage was less than ideal and rather than be at home it was better to be at the church working on something after work than going home.
• I was so thankful that I had a great pastor who found my hubby a great christian counselor that changed his life.  My hubby accepted Christ and found his way.  How could I not serve to pay it forward for what that pastor and counselor had done.  And, maybe through what I was doing at church someone else would have a relationship with God and wouldn't that be awesome?  Yeah, so I've served for that reason too.
• Ohh, and then there's my kids.  I want to make sure that they get to go to church like I did as a kid and know about God just like me.  And, so, yes, I serve so that my kids have a relationship with God.
• And, yup, when my family had been hurt, disheartened, and my hubby turned away from God by people at church my heart broke.  After a few years I took the kids to a new church.  And, my hubby went the next week.  Well, you guessed it!  I served for the pastor and staff that got my hubby back to his faith.  They allowed my kids to serve and feel a part of the church.  And provided programs that helped my kids grow in their confidence and faith.  I served to pay it forward to the pastor and staff for what they did in my family's life.  

Did you notice something within my motto & those statements?  I did.  I served because of myself and other people.  I didn't place the primary focus on serving because God has served me through his son, Jesus.  I didn't serve because I wanted others to know Christ.  I served so others would know Christ through "my" words and actions.  For goodness sake I need to take "me" & "my" out of the picture.  If I serve I need to do it for God and God alone.  And, yes, there are certain ministries that I love in my core and being.  But I love them because God has allowed me to and instilled it within me. It is a privilege to do that....not a right, not a pay it forward, or the right thing for the moment.  It is a privilege to serve my Heavenly Father. 

Part of my journey is in developing who I am & what I stand for. I believe that God brings us through seasons to help mentor us in the way he wants.  I may seem to ask an endless list of tireless questions to people right now.   That is because I want to know those smallish answers so I can help form who I am through Christ.  And, most importantly, I can prayerfully serve my Heavenly Father in the capacity he wants.  Not serve God in honor of someone or use church as a sanctuary.  Not that those aren't valid reasons. I feel personally I need to daily wake up and sincerely ask God to guide my words and actions for his glory.  And, yes, that statement ends with a period.

I'm praying that there are some of you that see what I'm saying this week.  And, take note in your heart and soul about how God is using you in service.  I know personally I will be asking him daily that my words and actions be for his good.  I know that is my personal challenge not for this week but for my lifetime to do.  Hope you are up to the challenge!  

Blessings-Sherry 

Personal Update: 

• This week I go to get my bloodwork drawn and to check in with my doctor.  I've been praying about this process since last month when I started to have doubts when my bloodwork came back less than fab.  It all goes back to that fear factor.  I'm praying with my appointment today that I can be "bold", have "courage" and realize my self worth rather than let doubts flood in.
• My joy this week is working on a donation for Sharing of the Green here in town.  It is a benefit silent auction & dinner for the Lay Clergy in my community. My joy has been in working with Emily on a child's armoire made from a dresser drawer.  We are doing the theme of "Frozen" from the movie and have made little girl clothing, a crown, and more for it.  Yesterday, Em took me aside for a break and played the theme song from Frozen.  She shared with me that it reminds her of her mom since the first time she heard it. What she meant is that her mama was raised to not "share" her feelings or emotions and "freezes" up when she has to.  She said that she is thankful that I'm "thawing" out....lol.
• This week Emily went to Longview and got admitted as a student. They have a four year RN program which is awesome.  She has to take two tests to be admitted to that program which scare & stress her out.  She called the resource center and left a message to see what types of materials, tutors, etc. they have or know of that would help her prep for those tests.  The glory in all this is that she told me she is glad to be home where she can relax and has us to talk to about it all.
• This week I started to volunteer at my church.  Not because I was trying to pay it forward or needed a sanctuary.  It was because I know that it is a priviledge in my life.  My new motto:  "Share the love of Christ for God's glory". 
• Ted and I had a great talk about our marriage, finances, and life together.  He even asked me to pray with him and help him.  His voice was strong, sincere, and loving....wowsies, God is good!  He shared with me for the first time in our lives he actually makes enough that we can pay our bills and that he wants me to take time to feel better and evaluate what I want to do.  He sees that my wheels spinning and doesn't want to see me have to be the "little red hen" because I have to, feel guilty, or need to.  He wants to gift me with taking care of me over the course of this year, letting me find my path, and has faith that God will guide me.  I can say at that moment I feel in love with Ted all over again.  I know it's not perfect right now but he gets me.....maybe that visit to the Crossroads district did both of us a world of good. 

Compromising Positions

 "To him give all the prophets to witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins" Acts 10:43

I'll admit it.  I'm not good at compromise... just ask poor Tedster or my kids.  I've always liked the idea of being the leader at any cost and tried to not look back. I was driving down the highway this week and heard the song, The Freshman, by Pearl Jam.  I almost turned the station but got distracted and then heard the lyric "what made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise".  And that hit home and it stung.  My life has been filled with those petty little arguments that I could have stopped just by compromising or saying I was sorry.  That is why I've gotten myself into so many predicaments & arguments over the years. 

Being a wife & mama sure did help to settle down my inability to compromise.  There is no way that you can be married or have kids that you love and not learn to compromise.  Ted and the kids were the game changers for me.  They made me realize that I wasn't out in the world just to get what I wanted and go on.  I was out in the world for a purpose and to make a difference to those I loved and others around me. 

 I remind myself that I made a pact with Ted, God, and myself when we got married.  Within that pact is compromise.  Uggh, that is sooo hard to do with someone you love but you see how they are doing it all wrong, right?  Yeah, I'm not alone then right?  The one great thing my mom told me early on in my marriage was to learn to Ted when he objected to something.  She shared with me that many times when my dad disagreed with her or what she was going to do she went ahead and did it.  And, that he was right because she made mistakes, hurt others, and got into situations that she wouldn't have dreamed of in her worst nightmare.  Well, I really took that to heart but still held true to my "there are many ways to do things but then there is the right way....that's my way".

But slowly and surely I started to listen to Ted and learned what my mom said was right.  There were situations that I placed myself in that I had no biz being there.  There were things that I would say that I would have been better off being silent and most of all I needed to be reminded that one of the reasons I love Ted is that he's smart.  So, yeah, I've learned to compromise over the years and God bless Ted for his patience with this head strong gal.

Then we had kids!  Oh, who wants to be the embarrassing mom?  The one that starts a conflict, is mouthy, or does embarrassing stuff?  I actually had a big old garage sale before Emily was born and sold off anything I deemed "un-motherly".  What time has taught me is that being "motherly" isn't your material possessions. Say, what?  I could have kept all my new wave and punk records?  What about my Drastic Plastic t-shirt ? Yeah, I could have.  What I didn't realize then was that God has blessed each of us with common traits : kindness, courage, love, faith, and compromise.  Shoot, think of all the times that God has remained steadfast as you compromised who you are through your words & actions.  I think in my heart and spirit I always knew God was there and waiting patiently on me but I refused to compromise what I was doing or who I thought I was for him.

Ouch, that statement hurt.  Knowing that God was there waiting but refusing to acknowledge him or his forgiveness for the mess that we call our lives.  I knew what a rebel I was as I took my shoes off in church when I visited my grandparents...that was a huge no no.  What about when I chose to ditch Sunday School as a teen and instead hide out, smoke, and gossip while at church?  Or be so mouthy with what I knew that I got told not to come back to the youth group?  Yeah, those are all a part of who I was and God watched, stood steadfast, and waited for me to come home to him.  And, then in my twenties when I knew in my every fiber of being God had forsaken me because I did him....he was standing right beside me and waiting for me to accept him and his path for my life.

Well, all I've got to say is that I was ready to "compromise" meaning forget all the things that I knew about God last fall and say yes to his forgiveness.  When I did that totally stopped all the sadness, guilt, and hurt that I felt over the years.  That brings me around to the lyric" what makes us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise".  The ability to compromise can set you free.  That doesn't mean you have to compromise with everything or lose you.  What it does mean is opening your mind, heart, and spirit to who God designed you to be.

This past months my world has been shaken, rocked, and rolled.  But my faith has brought the "light" into my world and allowed me to keep going, re-group, and be a light for God.  The thought of that thrills me.  As we are donating, organizing, and re-grouping as a family we are finding the joy in the smalls of life.  I'm personally been set free to dream again....yeah, dream!  There are so many paths for my life to take on.  Go back & sub, go & tutor, go & work creatively from home, go & do workshops.  Did you notice how all those statements started?  With "go".  I feel so motivated by God that I know it is a time to listen to him, dig into his word, and then "go" in the direction he would have me go. 

Personal Updates:

• In February I learned the important lesson of compromise, integrity, and knowing exactly who God designed me to be through my words and actions.  For each situation I kept these words true to my heart from my Bread of Life cards : "Whenever this sweet message in God's word I see whosoever will may come: I know tis meant for me".  In other words "Girl, you know who you are through Christ and don't ever let it be questioned".
• We are down to the smalls in the artroom.  That would be unpacking my "keep" stuff, making curtains, and creating a creative island work station.  I'm super excited by the transformation.  It's still my basement aka "artroom" but it looks like a creative space that will help me be purposeful in what I do.  
• I'm working on getting some natural estrogen replacements that are soy based.  Anyone with any great suggestions let me know.  
• My family & I have been finding joys in everyday life. I can bend and do the dishes, laundry, etc....those are huge "wins".  I've been bragging a bit about "winning" but that is how I feel most days as I cook, clean, and do those small things for my family. 
• I've been asked if I would be willing to do some scarves for a huge concert in Detroit this summer.  I'm thrilled with the idea.  Imagine some of the great bands that are going be there getting my stuff in swag bags.  
• Finally, Tedster & I are keepin' on in our marriage. Even at the worst of times our core value is our faith & love for one another. I'm praying that we are able to find our way back this year to communicating, compromising, and throughout it all loving one another.

Whose the Favorite?

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  Psalm 40:2

Did you ever have that classic battle with your sibling on who is the "favorite"?  For me that was a constant one and still is with my brother.  When I went to college and would come home he would say "Ya know what?  The sun sits and rises on you with mom and dad"....and then he would say a few more choice things about me.  When the show, "Everbody Loves Raymond" came out my brother was sure it was a show about our family.  And, yes, I would be "Ray". 

My brother and I have been battling whose the "favorite" since we were little.  If one got to go somewhere without the other obviously they were the favorite.  What about if you got something that the other didn't....even if that would be a roll of cherry lifesavers when you were sick?   Well, that means you are the "favorite".  In our teen years and even adulthood both of us have had times of jealousy over favoritism.  My brother got a spankin' brand new car when he turned 16 and I got a 78 Opal sports wagon.  My brother complains still to this day about how once I was born that I took his parents away....ugh, that just always breaks my heart that at 55 he still believes that.

When we were kids my mom used to sit us down at the kitchen table to talk to us.  She would tell us that we were all we had for family so we needed to get along.  She would honestly try to break through to us that there was no favorite and neither was loved more than the other.  My dad used to just yell at us and tell us that he didn't like either of us...crushing as a kid but understandable as a parent who has to hear those petty fights with her kids.

My mom also would bring scripture into our talks and used the example of Joesph and his coat.  She would tell us that no material gift, attention, or help that she or my dad would give either of us should break us apart like Joesph and his brothers. She would beg us to realize that we loved one another and were the only siblings we would ever have.  And, in the end either my brother or I would make a smarty pants comment and send my mom to her room in tears and praying for her kids. Yeah, we both were a hot mess and as an adult I'm thankful for all of my mom's prayers in her room throughout the years.

As an adult this past week I heard the story of Joesph again and was reminded of my mom and her talks.  I thought about "favoritism" as a mom myself.  And the type of integrity and character that I show to my kids.  Geez, that set me back a moment to think where am I with God?  Would God want to give me his "favor"  for my actions and words over the past week?  Or would he go to his room like my mom and cry?  Would people see me, read my blog, and think "Ohh, Sherry, again, bragging about her world"....would that lead to jealousy, resentment, and hard feelings....just like it does with my brother? 

I'd like to think that I go with God's favor each day of my life but I can see there are moments that God has cried over me.  Why?  Because I was too naive, unappreciative.  He loves me far more than my parents  and gave me something they couldn't....eternal life.  Does that make me the "favorite"?  No, but it does make me appreciate the gift of eternal life and his "favor" gives me peace of mind to make it through all my crazy stuff. It allows me to realize that like all the things that I've learned that can't be taken from me neither can my "favor" with God.  It follows me, strengthens me, and allows me to have integrity in my world.

That being said February has been a crazy month for me physically and mentally.  I would have said before my surgery that February was going to be my month.  Now February is almost gone and I'm heartsick.  Why?  Because there are some major life changes going on for me.  Here's brief list.

• The shop in Greenwood is closing at the end of the month.  That shop has been a huge blessing in my life and given me direction and courage in my creativity.  With it closing I feel lost.  And to boot I need to regroup, organize, and assess  my life and what I'm doing.  Should I continue to be creative, host workshops, substitue teach, or tutor ? 
• Emily has been helping me to clean, sort, and purge from the artroom and garage.  She literally sets a timer for 1-2 hours at a time for me to work a day.  I feel overwhelmed with the time frame I've got, have cried, and ran a fever and been told to rest by my doctor this month.  
•  I've went to my first doctor's visit this month to do my bloodwork and report in.  I actually wanted to cry as I got ready because it meant being an adult, facing what I've been told to do and following through & being accountable with my health.
• Ted and I are in a season of change in our marriage.  We've been through a lot in the past couple of years and we are trying to find our way back individually and as a couple.  It has been a labor of love at times to just stick together.
• Fitting into the groove of daily life as a Christian, wife, mom, creative gal, and more.  Uggh, I thought that would be the one peace of mind that I had once my surgery was complete but it's not. Finding my way back to the intense, spiritual, lover, friend, and mama gal is really hard.  The expectations are there from my hubby and some of my friends but wowsies I don't know if I can make them right now.

Now let me tell you how God has been showing me that I've got it together & have his "favor".  Last Sunday I was blessed with a gal pal and two great guys from church that came and helped me move my stuff from the shop.  I literally got there and was at a complete loss for what to do....I'm usually large & in charge.  Well, God sent my gal pal with her truck to be large & in charge, to make decisive decisions, and love on me.  God gave me favor with two extra guys with a truck that carried, loaded, unloaded, and prayed with Ted & I once it was all said and done.  And, God's favor continues this week as I was offered creative space with two artists in KC.  They sent me inboxes to let me know that they knew how crazy moving your space can be and offered me space in their workshop studios if I felt the need to create and get away from my mess of an artroom.

 I honestly took a nap before my doctor's visit this week after crying about it.  I napped and still wanted to cancel it but I didn't because I had Emily & Dale home and knew that even if I didn't want to go those kids of mine loved their mama and wanted her to.   Tedster & I are trying, honestly, in our marriage.  I think we both feel broken and bankrupt emotionally after the last couple of years.  We did go out for our anniversary to dinner and in my heart he is still the crazy boy that I feel in love with & it breaks my heart to think of life without him.  Ok, as for finding my groove back....ugggh, that one is hard.  I see glimpses each day of the who I once was :  the teendreamer, the twentysomething that was so focused & directed she didn't dare blink, the thirtysomething that had God bring her to her knees so that she relented all control and her life to him, and the fortysomething that looks back  & can admit fear, asks for help, and is boldly taking it one day at a time.

How all those things are going to come together I don't know.  That is the blessing on each season of our lives we don't know what is going to happen but we can walk into each moment with God's favor.  That is something far greater than bragging rights about a parent's "favorite" it means that you can find peace, direction, and focus when times are rough but also find the small joys.

May each of you find God's favor throughout the week.  Know that God is going to steady your load, walk you through each step, and can take any hardship and help you find  joy.  Personally, I what gets me through is knowing the the sun does not rise and set on me like my brother says.  I know that the sun sits and rises on my faith in God and through his favor I can get through the day.

Peace be with you- Sherry